Do you ever get over losing your mum?

[ClottedcreamClara]

I do need to start by saying that I appreciate not every one is fortunate to have had a good relationship with their mother and there are far worse types of grief than getting into your 50's and losing a parent in their 80's but.....

...I am struggling with the knowledge that I will (most probably) lose my mum in the near future. Until 2018 she was in ok health then developed Alzheimer's, it is now is quite an advanced state, she has probably had it for around 10 years so I can not see she can carry on for much longer and tbh, we don't want her suffering anymore.

She already has some heart issues, is bent over with osteoporosis, last year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with drugs) and this summer sustained a nasty neck fracture following a fall and has just recovered from a nasty chest infection but she still hangs on.

I have always been very close to my mum (as I am with my own dd), even though she is quite an advanced state of dementia she always knows my name and she smiles every time I visit (I am there several times a week). It has broken my heart into many pieces knowing she has a disease which has chipped away her very being bit by bit, year after year.

Realistically, we lost her a year or two ago, as is normal with this awful disease so I am in this weird half state of stop/start anticipatory grief but I am not sure that I will ever truly get over losing her once she is gone for good. I know most people never truly get over the grief of someone they loved very much, I suppose it's a bit like an injury which never fully heals, you push on and learn to live with it but it is always there in the background and the more you think about it the more you feel it's pain?

Mum was very close to her mother and even though my Nan died in 1991 when mum was 48 she has always shed a tear on a regular basis for her. Even yesterday she was very teary and when I hugged her she said to me 'She was lovely, wasn't she?'. Mum very rarely strings more than a couple of words together these days but I know she was referring to Nan.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

So sorry to read of everyone's struggles, some so young as well to lose your Mum's. This is my second Christmas without my Mum and this time of year it definitely feels harder, I almost shed a tear in Sainsbury's today just thinking of all the things she would have been buying for Christmas!

Like others I had a great relationship with my Mum and she gave me the strength and the tools I need to be able to carry on without her.

My Mum lost her own Mum at a very young age ( her mum was 50 and my Mum 16) she was calling out for her in the days before her death so I guess you never stop wanting to see them again.

Sending love and hugs to all x

This thread is heartbreaking, but also strangely comforting. I don’t think this is talked about enough. It’s a terrible club to be part of, but reading all of your stories has made me feel very human tonight.

OP, I really hope you have a supportive network around you. It’s so important to give yourself permission to feel the sadness and to keep talking about your mum. I’m sending you the biggest hugs — watching someone you love struggle is unimaginably hard.

At the same time, I am absolutely fine about the death of my father and all my grandparents. Perhaps my mother’s death was such a shock to my system that I developed some sort of immunity so I no longer feel much when people die.

@Gabitule I think that might be true, I’ve been similar since my Mum died in my 20’s. It’s a coping mechanism that was probably prevalent in previous generations (pre-antibiotics and modern vaccines) when losing loved ones was sadly far more common.

I lost my mum three years ago. She died suddenly and unexpectedly in her 70s. I thought the pain would lessen but it’s the other way around. I miss her more and more. I think anger at her doctors (who completely missed that she was having a major cardio vascular issue) carried me for the last three years and I’m now confronted with the emptiness that she’s left behind. I miss our chats. I’m crying tonight, came here to start a thread and saw yours… 😢

Stay strong.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

im not sure i have…im still fucking furious, she missed pretty much everything

its not fair, i feel robbed

but like everything , things change and life moves on. My mum was terrified of dementia though, so i suppose thats a small mercy

i am sorry OP, it must be incredibly difficult for you 💐

Mum died at 62, I was 40. 23 years have gone by and I still miss her every day. I do count my blessings that we got on so well and all the happy times we had. I was very blessed.

Loosing my mum broke me, I expected her to live until well into her 80's, me taking her shopping and doing everything i could for her. She passed in her 60's and I still get upset but I have learned to live without her. I hate it though. If I didn't have my children I think it would be a different story and im not sure where I would be now. It broke me to be honest.
I went to greif counselling. The first session turned out to be the day my dad passed, that was to dementia but honestly I lost the real him before this and i accepted it. For him atleast I knew he was at peace and not trapped in a life with no quality with such an awful disease, becoming a man he would not of accepted.
I think for you, loosing your mum after seeing her loose so much to such an awful disease will help you feel that she is at peace which will help you also feel this.
It will never be easy no matter the illness. You will get passed it though and remember the good times. Im sorry your mum has such an awful disease.
Take comfort in the fact you've had her for so long. Im in my 30s and this was recent. I just think of people who are still children or who are in their teens. No matter what age you are its hard but how lucky am I to have my mum for 30+ years. More would of been amazing but atleast I had that.

I lost my mum shockingly and suddenly in 2007 and I still cry now, she was 67 and it was such a shock. We were so close, my mum and dad having divorced when I was 10 and me living with her. This time of year doesn't help at all. I see loads of things that I'd have bought her and that she'd have absolutely loved. I lost my dad in 2022 and it sounds awful, but it's not the same as losing a mum, even though I loved him more than he loved me.
Bereavement counselling helped me a lot with the loss of my mum. I'd recommend it to anyone. 💐

My Mum died 13 years ago. I was mid 30s, my DSis was only mid 20s.

You learn to live with it. The acute sadness gets better. There are still times you want the advice, support or security of knowing "bank of M&D" is there. Things still happen that you want to share with them and you can't.

I was angry for a long time at how shite some of my friends were when I was grieving. I still only have a handful of friends who have lost their Mum, and I've now also lost my Dad which doubly compounds my feelings of injustice.

I do count myself lucky in that my siblings and I are close - we speak most days - and provide each other with a lot of support.

I lost my DM when I was 30. You learn to live without them, but what hits hardest is the life events they miss. My DM never got to see any of us get married, she never met her grandchildren. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sad for myself but mostly for my DM and my DS and Ns who missed out on experiencing a wonderful grandmother.
I do think that losing parents early when your life is in full swing is perhaps easier. You haven’t watched them slowly decline or lost them to dentist. You don’t really have the time to sit and dwell on bereavement. Maybe losing parents when you are post 50 when children have left home and you are closer to retirement or maybe after being their carer for some time perhaps is harder because there is no distraction or bead to carry on.
The one and only advantage to losing parents when they are middle aged that you never have to see the decline so you remember them in their prime. The downside of that is that you have no reference to how you are going to age.

I think that losing my DSis last year (aged 56) had a more profound effect on me. She was my younger sister and was the fit, sporty, healthy living DSis. I expected her to be the last to go, it was very much out of the blue, she was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and died within 2 months. Fortunately since I retired early I was able to spend some time with her but definitely had too much thinking time over the last 12 months and the bereavement process has been much harder. Maybe it’s because you start to focus on your own mortality.

From my experience with bereavement it is good to prepare yourself but whether death is expected or unexpected the process of bereavement is the same. I’ve always tried to focus on the fact that none of the people I’ve lost over the years would want me to put my life on hold indefinitely, in the same way I would not want my own DS to put his life on hold.

After being diagnosed with breast cancer, I was lucky to be given the all clear but it does feel like the time is now counting down, I have started to create a death book. In it are all the practical details but I’ve also included memories and favourite poems and books.

One of the benefits of living de now is social media and we still have access to my DSis social media and text messages. Although I couldn’t face reading them until recently, it was surprisingly good to read back through our conversations over the last few years. She not just a bunch of photos and memories and I can still hear her voice as I read her texts and FB posts. I have a few letters from my DM and some from my DF so the connection to them feels a bit lost. The texts from my DSis are from before she was diagnosed so they are just chat, funny exchanges between sisters that make me smile and not cry. I’ve only reviewed them once but intend to keep them to remember and me that she was incredibly funny and caring. She had breast cancer at 34 so when I was diagnosed she supported me in the only way someone who has gone through the process can.

Enjoy the time you have with your mum. One thing I would say is that now is the time to ask her all those questions you have always wanted to. So many times I have wanted to ask silly questions of my mum but it’s too late.

Yes, I lost my mum when I was 21, she was only 43 and had cancer. 13 years ago next month and I’ve come to terms with it. Having my babies always made me feel sad and I feel sad for them still but it definitely gets easier as the years go by.

@Justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushould This is very helpful to me .
my mum has been lost to me for 5 years .
I visit most days and she’s non verbal and doesn’t recognise me .Dementia really is the long good bye .
I’m worried about how I will cope when she’s gone but then think I just sit and look at her now.
No interaction …
Maybe she knows that I’m family? 🤷‍♀️
Maybe she gets comfort from seeing me ?

Thank you for sharing and take care x

I’m 29 and lost my mum last year suddenly, she was 57 and very sudden and unexpected due to a brain haemorrhage. A year on I believe you don’t get over it but you learn to cope with living without them. There’s so many reminders in every day and so much I now do with my mum in mind. I am an elderly nurse though and see how hard it is for families when parents are old too. But I now don’t take anything for granted and live my life in the way I think she’d want. As well as having my son I had to take on caring for my sister who has a learning disability who lives with me now, but everything I do is influenced by my mum. From the way she raised me, her traditions and thinking wow mum would love this but I truly believe grief is a measure of love and is a reminder of that bond and love. It doesn’t mean I don’t have days where it doesn’t hurt like hell but I know whilst not physically, she’s here with me from the lessons she taught me, and no one can take that away from me 💖

@BruFord I think you're right. Df lost his df when he was 4 months old and his dm when he was 15 and since then has experienced many people dying including his wonderful db and my db (his ds). He tends to be quite fatalistic about it whereas dm goes to pieces- she was 70 when her dm died. Atm my aunt (dm's dsis) is terminally ill and dm is taking it worse than her.

@chocolateforthewin it’s nice to feel not alone isn’t it, I don’t know anyone in RL who has lost their mum so I feel very lonely in my grief. I lost a lot of friends when she died , life long friends that just didn’t have a clue how to handle or support this. I see their mums now at the same playgroups I go to looking after three kids and honestly I want to scream.

My Mum died in December 26 years ago. I think about her pretty much every day and definitely around this time of year as she loved Christmas.

The grief lessens in intensity, but for me anyway, never goes away completely. I've stopped crying in the car every time I'm alone - but did that a lot in the first couple of years. I had to stay strong the rest of the time as I was working full time and had 3 kids under 5.

Yesterday, we were told that the hospital were withdrawing treatment for my Mam and she was on end of life pathway with probably only 3-5 days to go. It’s such an awful and difficult time. I know she’s ready to go…she’s had a very similar journey to @ClottedcreamClaras Mum. My Dad died 6 years ago and she missed him so much - we all still do.
Shes mainly sleeping at the minute…😢

I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago and I still think about her every single day. She was 64 and didn’t deserve to die.
We were very close, she was the person I told my problems to, she gave me advice and she was very close to her grandchildren.
She met all her grandchildren but it hurts that she’s not here anymore to see how their lives are turning out. This time of year is hard because she should be here getting ready for Christmas with us.
My grief doesn’t consume me like it used to, we talk about her often and laugh at things she’d said or done in the past.
So for me I’ll never get over losing her but my life has adapted around it

My mum has been gone 30 years and I still miss her. I’m so sad that she didn’t live long enough to become a granny, and I think that’s the most upsetting thing for me. The fact that my kids never got love from my mum. I talk about her but they aren’t interested as they never knew her, yet she was my world for many years. Dad left so it was just us two.

@babbi , yes, I believe she knows you're family. As soon she saw me, my mum knew I was important to her, even though she didn't know exactly who I was. Her last week, she was in bed, seemingly unconscious. I was a singer when I was young so I spent those last days singing to her. Well, there wasn't much conversation, so YouTube karaoke it was! She could hear me and would get agitated if she didn't like my song choice! It was actually a lovely way to spend those last few days with her.