Do you ever get over losing your mum?

[ClottedcreamClara]

I do need to start by saying that I appreciate not every one is fortunate to have had a good relationship with their mother and there are far worse types of grief than getting into your 50's and losing a parent in their 80's but.....

...I am struggling with the knowledge that I will (most probably) lose my mum in the near future. Until 2018 she was in ok health then developed Alzheimer's, it is now is quite an advanced state, she has probably had it for around 10 years so I can not see she can carry on for much longer and tbh, we don't want her suffering anymore.

She already has some heart issues, is bent over with osteoporosis, last year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with drugs) and this summer sustained a nasty neck fracture following a fall and has just recovered from a nasty chest infection but she still hangs on.

I have always been very close to my mum (as I am with my own dd), even though she is quite an advanced state of dementia she always knows my name and she smiles every time I visit (I am there several times a week). It has broken my heart into many pieces knowing she has a disease which has chipped away her very being bit by bit, year after year.

Realistically, we lost her a year or two ago, as is normal with this awful disease so I am in this weird half state of stop/start anticipatory grief but I am not sure that I will ever truly get over losing her once she is gone for good. I know most people never truly get over the grief of someone they loved very much, I suppose it's a bit like an injury which never fully heals, you push on and learn to live with it but it is always there in the background and the more you think about it the more you feel it's pain?

Mum was very close to her mother and even though my Nan died in 1991 when mum was 48 she has always shed a tear on a regular basis for her. Even yesterday she was very teary and when I hugged her she said to me 'She was lovely, wasn't she?'. Mum very rarely strings more than a couple of words together these days but I know she was referring to Nan.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

I was lucky enough to have my mum until I was 60 (last year) as she lived to be 98. I still miss her every day and think about her all the time, but somehow its not as painful as it was a year ago.

Big hugs, I wasn’t ready to lose my mum at 65, in 2012, my dad died 2 years before and he was also 65 🥺 .. it was a very sad few years, first birthday, death day, Christmas etc all very sad, tearful. However now often dream of my parents, but wake up feeling good about it, I feel I’ve had some interaction, albeit a bit bizarre in dreams, but my parents were both very ill and seemed almost like they were 20 years older in themselves, bizarre but not a normal 65, a very strange phase, unlike their healthy selves, so in a way it was almost a relief when they died, they couldn’t have been having a good life. Very sorry about your mum, but I’d say get what you can whilst she’s alive and keep her alive in your heart and dreams x

I lost my mum last year. My dad died over 25 years ago. Some days are hard. I had my dining room chairs covered in a William morris print and know my mum would have loved them and nobody else cares- silly to be upset over chairs, but it’s often the little things that being back memories.

My Mum was 87.
You never get over it, you just realise she isn't coming back and eventually you learn to live without her.
It's never easy no matter how old they were.

Same with me! My dc are busy with their lives but both dm and df look out for me. I'm 60 and can't imagine losing my parents.

I don't think you get over it. I work with older adults, and many of my patients with dementia will talk about visiting their parents when they regress in time, and many cry for their mum and that kind of thing.

It's one of the most important relationships you will ever have, and if you had a good relationship, you will feel it keenly.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 20 (I am now 44). I have such painful memories of her last few months… Silly me, I thought the pain would go away after a couple of years. I was so naive. It took 20 years to not feel upset anymore. A few years ago I thought I was OK, but I then watched the film ‘A monster calls’ and cried non-stop throughout the night, I just couldn’t believe the immense grief. Anyway, over the past 5 years or so I did notice that I’ve been ‘fine’, although even today, on my way home from the supermarket, I thought of her and imagined going back in time and buying her and my family Xmas presents.

At the same time, I am absolutely fine about the death of my father and all my grandparents. Perhaps my mother’s death was such a shock to my system that I developed some sort of immunity so I no longer feel much when people die.

This is the very thing I'm struggling with. Mum and I are (were) very alike and there are things about my likes/dislikes which only she would have understood and appreciated, there's no one else, no one who would totally understand like my mum would have and once she's gone for good that will be it.

Mum cries regularly for her mum, even though she has forgotten many people she has never lost the memory of her mum and I'm not sure she ever will.

firstly I’m so sorry to read this ❤️
my mum got diagnosed with cancer when I was 40 she died 20 weeks later and it was horrendous
we were so close and it shattered my world but for my own kids I’ve had to keep going however I do cry most days and I find Christmas and birthdays quite difficult really and I find things like going to card shops and seeing daughter/mum/nan/grand-daughter cards upsetting so I buy them all online so I don’t have to go into a shop for them.
This was 3 years ago and people say it gets easier so I’m hoping in time it will.

for everyone grieving or in a sad place - sending best wishes and positivity to you all x

I lost my mum in February this year. She was only 69 and had been suffering with pulmonary fibrosis for about 7 years but her death came following a pretty quick decline over the preceding few months where her quality of life was very poor, she could barely walk the length of herself and her medication made a mess of her stomach. I have complicated feelings about her death. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought I would and I can’t figure out if I’m still quite detached from it all or if I’ve just come to terms with it. Sometimes I think the anticipatory grief and seeing my beautiful independent funny mother so limited and losing so much dignity was worse than her actual death which in some ways was a blessing. She was ready to go. She had been in and out of hospital for several months and was terrified of dying at home and my dad getting up and finding her. When she was told it was time for end of life care and she was moved to a private room it was as if the fear left her and she was happy and chatty. She lived for just under 24 hours more. Still, the guilt I feel at not feeling sadder is crippling.
Im trying to make peace with it and give myself some grace.
Make sure you lean on whatever support is
around you and give yourself permission to sit with whatever feelings come your way.

I lost my mum more than a decade ago, and life is much less nice without her in it. This time of year is really hard. You learn to live with it, and you go on and you still enjoy your life, but I don't think you ever get over it. How can you, when your life is worse without her in it?

This is a hard one for me. My mum died when I was a young child but she took her own life so I don’t know what sort of relationship we would’ve had if she had lived. She had been depressed for a long time on and off according to my dad.

When I was a teen I started reading about suicide especially mothers who took their own life, like Sylvia Plath, Assia Weville and Hannah Gavron as they had all left very young children.

When I gave birth to my first child I thought about her quite a lot.

My bil says the same, his mother died by suicide when he was 3. He often says he wonders what kind of relationship they would have had if she had lived, she had struggled with her mental health for decades. He thought of his mum a lot when his own dc were young.

Having children did make think about her a lot more and also it made me wonder if I could ever get to a place where I would contemplate doing it.

(I’ve just realised that Assia Weville took her child’s life too! )

My mum died suddenly when I was in my late 20s, thirty years ago. I have got over it, I think of her fondly but not every day. But it took years. What makes me sad now is that I have friends of the same age, late 50s, who still have their mum and I find myself thinking of all the years I didn’t have with my mum and all the things we missed out on experiencing together.

@Holidaywoes12 felt every word of that , it’s just so so sad

I lost my mum 15 years ago when I was a young mum. You learn to live with it because you have to. What is the alternative? It was very raw for many years and I do shed the occasional tear. I wish so much she could have seen her grandchildren grow up. For me, that is the hardest thing. It’s something that just can’t be replicated.

i’m quietly jealous of friends who have their mums still. But at least mine never had to develop dementia or have a slow decline, so there’s that at least.

Wow sat here having a big cry at this thread.
sorry op your lovely Mum has suffered so much, life is so cruel.

I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago, I was 27 years old and 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby, she was absolutely fine that lunch time texting me about nonsense ( Covid first lockdown so couldn’t see each other )
then had a huge bleed on her brain later that day was told overnight was critical and she died at 6.30am the next morning , couldn’t be with her due to Covid. Couldn’t have a normal funeral only 5 people when the reality she could of filled a football stadium,
she was the most selfless , hilarious, strong powerhouse of a woman. I’ll never not be in awe that she was mine but how I wish I’d had her for 28 years even.
im 33 now and have had 3 children the worst part without doubt is being a motherless daughter . I cannot actually fathom she’ll never know them and they’ll never know what they are missing out on.
i would say I’m still grieving very deeply still cry several times a week and the tears are always only just under the surface the slightest thing can set me off.
i don’t think ill ever not be heart broken from the sheer loss.
i grieve for all the things she didn’t get to do at 63 didn’t reach retirement and had worked hard and selflessly her whole life.
she was my soulmate i truly believe, so much more than a mum.

This thread has made me feel deeply sad for myself and everyone else who has lost their mum or in the process of losing her. My thoughts are with you all, especially this time of year when it's usually much more raw. It hurts it really does.

What a beautiful post; it really resonated with me. So sorry about your Mum. 💐 Lost a parent 2 years ago, and nothing prepares you for that, especially with young dcs. Christmas is always difficult when the ones we loved are no longer with us.

How truly heartbreaking. No words. I'm so sorry that you lost your lovely mum so suddenly at an already emotional time. Such a massive loss at that time of your life.

Thank you @Idontknowhatnametochoose for your kind words x

I lost my mum this year. I feel like I am masking quite alot of the time, pretending to be ok. I lost my dad 20 years ago and I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of loss when I think of him, I probably felt ok after a few years, so I’m hoping that one day I’ll feel better than I do right now. I’m dreading Xmas, Mother’s Day and her bday.

I lost my mum last summer in a terrible and sudden way. My sister and I aren't doing well and this year seems harder than last. She is my first thought in the morning and my last at night. It seems unimaginable that I will ever get over the loss of her. No-one will ever love you like your mum (if you are lucky enough to have such a relationship). Not feeling at all festive and just going through the motions really. Sending love and peace to all those missing their beloved mum x