Thoughts on taking a two and a half year old to a funeral

[Gogwuh]

What are people’s views on this? It will be really difficult to manage her there but is it right for my daughter to attend her great grandmothers funeral or better to stay at home with her and DH to attend.

Do not take her to a funeral.

Definitely do NOT take a toddler to a funeral!

Too young, definitely.

Don't do it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

See, I would have no problem taking a toddler to a funeral. But I would have someone primed to take them out of the church if required.

I wouldn't.

My toddlers were at plenty of funerals, but if I suspected they'd be difficult to manage I definitely wouldn't take them

If depends entirely on your family. Children (from babies up) in our family are welcome & wanted at our family funerals.

its about family for us.

ask the nearest relative to the deceased how they feel.

im sorry for the loss xx

I did (at least she was three), but it was at a crematorium with a lobby area where the service audio was piped in and there was a big window so.I could watch. I really wanted to be there, and couldn't leave her anywhere. She came to the wake for a bit, then I took her to a playground for a run around.

I wouldn't take her into the actual service.

Dd was 9 months old at dh’s grandfather’s funeral. We asked. We don’t live locally so the only “childcare” in that area would have been dh’s family, who were all at the funeral. I planned to take dd out if needed but she was a chilled baby so all good. Other funerals, dh or I didn’t go to the service and cared for dc outside but did go to the wake after with dc. It very much depends on the immediate bereaved family’s wishes. We had a few deaths when DDs were little but never took all three under 3s to a funeral service, just the wake. Dd1 started crawling at one and walked at another. It’s like the attention wasn’t on her so she tried a new thing.

dc are very important in my wider family so usually welcome anywhere.

Why definitely? You don’t know other people’s family dynamics and wishes. By all means say you personally wouldn’t but don’t criticise the many of us who have and would just because we’re from different upbringings. We’re fine to hold different views while respecting others.

Totally depends on your family. I took my just turned two year old to my grandmother’s funeral. There were 4 children aged 5 and below there (all great grandchildren). My dad, and the wider family, would have been disappointed not to see them.

My DD and the other toddler were both taken out during the “service” bit - but this was at my grandma’s house, not a church or crematorium, and was very relaxed rather than formal.

Other families with more formal funerals, maybe not.

Personally I would. My then toddler niece was at my granddad's funeral, and it was the only thing that got my grandma through the day. I, as a toddler, attended my great grandparents' funerals. What you probably need to think about is how the people closest to the deceased would feel, and how you could manage her behaviour.

I’m so sorry for your loss. For me it would depend on how close they were and whether you think it would help her process what’s happened. My mum died when I was 2 - I didn’t go to the funeral. Now I’m older I feel sad about this, that I wasn’t there - for years I drew pictures of her asleep on clouds as I was never given the time, space or tools to process it. When my DS was about 4, his great Nana and Bampa died, we asked him and he said yes. He was very close to them. I knew others had there own feelings about it, but for me, no one has the right to tell someone they can’t go to a funeral.

You know when toddlers inevitably make a big noise at a wedding… imagine that at a funeral! Unless everyone else is ok with it I’d personally avoid.

Toddler at the wake though can help lift the atmosphere a little and can be a happy distraction.

I don't know why people are so black and white about this. My toddler came to my dad's funeral. He was well behaved but his dad could have taken him out the service if required.

Not to the service if she will be difficult to manage and if there's any risk of her distracting other people. It's more important that mourners get to mourn. I once had someone babysit my toddler outside the crematorium. They came to the wake though, which was fine.

My DD went to her Great Grandmother’s funeral aged almost 2; I find people generally really like seeing very small children at funerals of very old ones. The circle of life .. She behaved pretty well, didn’t need to be taken out and I am glad she was there. I’ve always taken my dds to funerals, it’s a cultural norm for me and the same in my mind as taking them to any other important family event .

I wouldn't take her to the service if I could avoid it.
But there again if Grand Granny was a fair age then it really could be a celebration of life rather than a heartbreaking affair

How would the closest family ie your Grandfather or her children react if the LO was to shout "Whats That" in the middle of the service?

Definitely take her to the tea after it. Little people are a reminder that life goes on.

Er no, this is an insane idea.

My children were quite young when my parents died and they didn't come to the funeral, to be honest mainly because I didn't want to be worrying about how they were reacting or behaving when I had a lot of other stuff on my mind. I wanted to be daughter not Mum that day, if that makes sense.
They did come to the wake though and definitely lifted the mood somewhat.
But I think it is a personal choice and not a black and white thing. I would get the opinion of the closest family members as some bereaved family members may be upset by the idea, others may positively welcome a small child.

Depends on your family imo. My daughter went to her great grandmother's funeral aged 14 months. She didn't cry or otherwise disturb the proceedings and neither did her 4 year old brother who was also present.

Dc1 attended my father's funeral just before he turned 3. He behaved absolutely fine and his presence helped distract my mum when she needed it the most.

I'd avoid if you can, funerals have a sad vibe that a toddler will pick up on and they're too young to understand what is happening or to say goodbye. If you do, take someone who can take your DC out of the room if they become restless

In my circle, a toddler at a funeral would be quite inappropriate. Maybe at the wake which is a bit more cheery but not at a church service or burial. OP only you know your family, I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” answer. I’m sorry for your loss, I hope the funeral goes as well as it can.

Close family member yes, if it was a distant relative or friend no.