Thoughts on taking a two and a half year old to a funeral

[Gogwuh]

What are people’s views on this? It will be really difficult to manage her there but is it right for my daughter to attend her great grandmothers funeral or better to stay at home with her and DH to attend.

We took ours (3 and 1) to their grandmother's funeral. People were happy to see them and we sat near the door in case they got restless and needed a little walk around.

I was 3 at my sibling's funeral and glad I attended.

DD did not attend her great grandfather's funeral but attended the wake when she was 2, that felt like the right decision. She did attend her great grandmother's funeral at 5 and that also felt like the right decision.

There's no blanket right or wrong - it's down to family dynamics, childcare arrangements, all sorts of personal feelings.

There were quite a few children at my dad's funeral. His 5 grandchildren, 1 of his great nieces and a few children of our friends. About 10-15 in total I think. My older 2 were 7 and 5 and the rest were babies and toddlers.

I know quite a few vicars and funeral directors. They all say it's very common to have children of all ages at funerals (particularly if they're family of the deceased). Top tips are: sit near the back so you can take her out if needed, take a drink and (quiet) snacks and toys. Have a video primed on your phone if needed (sound off). But don't worry if your child makes a little bit of noise. Sometimes, it helps for people who are grieving to remember that life is still going on around then, and children are still being children.

I took my 3 year old to my grandfather (died aged 98) funeral. Like others have said, it was more a celebration of life in this context. I have been to others were I would not dream of it (younger people). She still remembers it and I'm glad as she has minimal memories of my beloved grandfather.

She behaved absolutely fine, that said, other people's suggestions of just going to wake is a good one if you are unsure/ need to focus on your own grief.

I am sorry for your loss.

It doesn’t matter what our views are, but the ones of the other mourners.

My family is Scottish Presbyterian and the view is very much no children, DH's family is Catholic and their view is children should absolutely be at a funeral, however young they are. Having been at both kinds of funeral I agree with DH's family.

When DDad died my toddlers were at the wake but not at the service or graveyard. When FIL died my DC (youngest was 5 by this time) were at the service, graveyard, and wake. In both cases their grandmothers found them a great comfort, at FILs funeral MIL had our eldest sit next to her and hold her hand through the service.

In your case it's the funeral of an old person who has lived a full life and I think it's a positive thing to have children there but check with the chief mourners what their feelings are (TBH your DH should have a good idea since it's his family).

I would not wish to see any dc having screen time at a funeral. Or making noises during the service and readings. It takes away from the ambience of the funeral for others which won’t be appreciated . When it’s an older person, with older friends, many people going won’t expect to see a child. I’d avoid the service and see relatives at the wake. The 2 year old won’t remember anything but you will not be concentrating on the service with a toddler in tow. That is inevitable and seems wrong to me.

I have been to quite a few funerals and never seen a toddler at one. Some school age under 10, but universally well behaved more mature ones.

I think that it does depend on your family. In mine children would be welcomed but we are quite a loud family in general. I think it also depends on how upset you think that you might be - you might just want to be able to focus on your own feelings.

When my Gran died I was planning to take my then 2 year old and my 8 year old with additional needs to the funeral. But we were all very close to my Gran who lived with my Mum for the last 10 years of her life. As it was I tested positive for covid that week so we couldn't go.

All three of you could go so that the parent who is not the grandchild of the deceased person can take toddler out of the service if she gets wriggly or noisy.

Probably wouldn’t take to the service but I would take them to the wake if it was a family funeral.

I think it's fine...if you think it will be too difficult to keep them quiet and occupied during the service, them just take them to the wake afterwards.

My friend looked after my toddler when I needed to attended DH grandparent funeral and then brought our child to the 'wake' after which was more like a family remembering good times. It was a nice compromise and everyone said they where glad they got to see DC as we are wide spread apart family

I our family life and dead go together. Never been an issue to bring toddlers to a funeral. Always been ready to leave early if needed but never done.

I took my 3yo to his great grandmothers funeral. It wasn’t the plan originally but I had no childcare and I was really glad I did in the end. Totally depends on the child though.
He was fine during the service, I had some sweets just in case I needed to distract him but he sat through the whole thing then enjoyed lots of attention at the wake.
I think it helped him process the loss, it’s a difficult one to understand so having that definitive goodbye made it ‘real’. She adored her great grandkids and I like to think she’d have appreciated him (and his older sister) being there.

I'm going to go against the general consensus here, as I have experience of this.

DH's grandma died when DS was 2.5. At the time, she had 6 great grandchildren 3 and under. All attended her funeral. All "lasted" longer than you'd have expected. All were gradually taken out discreetly by their non-grandchild parent.

FiL (son of the deceased) says that coming out of the chapel and seeing all his "great and grand" children playing was a joy on a very sad and emotional day.

Decades ago, my 2 year old nephew was the only child at my dad's funeral. Again, he bought some light relief and joy to dark place. I'd always want and expect children at a funeral, with a well primed parent to whisk them away as necessary.

My children came to my father’s funeral at age 3 and 5. They were well behaved though. If you know your child will be difficult then no, arrange a sitter for her.

In my culture, kids come to funerals.

We had a couple of 2 year olds at my husband’s funeral - his nephew and his best friend’s daughter - no problems at all, they were absolutely fine. Death should not be hidden from children

Thats because Western culture tries to shield children from death. It wasn't uncommon to be banned from your own parent's funeral until not too long ago.

In my family it would be very odd to not bring a close family member of the deceased just in case they made noise - possibly because we are religious, maybe. It’s interesting how varied the accepted norms are within one single country.

When our gran died, me and my sister and cousin were marvelling at how many of our indigenous British friends offered to take our kids for the funeral. They assumed they wouldn't be going to their GGM'S funeral.

Absolutely no

In our family, the GGC stayed at home with their GPs on the other side of the family for the service, then their GPs brought them to join the family about half way through the wake. It worked well, they didn't see any tears or listen to the service or see the goodbyes but were a welcome distraction when everyone was starting to relax a little.

I think it depends on what's normal in your culture. I've been to funerals with toddlers (great grandchildren of the deceased) and it was fine. I'd maybe think differently if there was a lot of family drama and a nasty vibe but these were straightforward ones to celebrate the lives of elderly people that had died of natural causes.