Thoughts on taking a two and a half year old to a funeral

[Gogwuh]

What are people’s views on this? It will be really difficult to manage her there but is it right for my daughter to attend her great grandmothers funeral or better to stay at home with her and DH to attend.

Due to circumstances I had to take my DGD(3) with me to the funeral of the husband of my best friend.

The service was in a crematorium and it was just like attending a church service with a few songs, eulogies, a vicar etc. She was very good and didn't need to be taken outside. It was a bitterly cold day and by the end of it all she was tired so I took her back to my home instead of going to the funeral tea.

I missed a good 'do' as the deceased was always a convivial and generous host and his widow saw him off in style - a full bar and big eats in the local gastropub!

If you have someone you can leave her with, do not take her.

What do other family members think? That's really what matters. You will get all kinds of answers here depending on culture and family norms of others, but it's your family that counts - particularly the 'chief mourners' who I assume would be your DD's great-grandmother's children - I would sound them out and respect their wishes.

In my family it would be normal. I would discuss it with your parents to see if anyone would be likely to be bothered.

@MyOliveHelper Yes. I know dc didn’t go to funerals of close relatives and look at the Diana/Harry furore. However this is a toddler who doesn’t have views. It’s not fair on others if they disrupt the service. At the wake, of course go.

I took my DC to all family funerals, including for great grandparents when they were toddlers. I always sat at the back so that I could make a hasty exit if they got noisy. The funeral for an elderly person who has lived a long life isn't usually a distressing experience and the toddler will be oblivious, so the only thing to worry about is them being a bit disruptive, hence sitting somewhere you can both easily escape.

However, all that said, if everyone else in the family is very uptight about children or toddlers at funerals, then it might not be worth them all getting their knickers in a twist about it.

Disrespectful to take a toddler to a funeral, given the potential for noise and disruption which could affect other mourners being able to focus on saying their goodbyes to the deceased. At 2.5 she will not remember the day and will have no idea what's going on. I can't imagine why you would even consider this if you have someone to look after her.

I wouldn’t, no - not until they had the emotional maturity to really understand what this was and why.

We have only had 1 funeral since having DC and my son was 20 months, I would have been saying no he’s not going even if other family members are begging for them to come!

Depends on how they'll behave and whether there's anyone to take them out.

My 6 and 4 year olds come to family funerals. They will draw pictures during the sermon rather than listen, but are generally beautifully behaved when out.

My just-two year old doesn't come. She loves church services but shouts when happy and shouts when cross, so even if we took a friend to take her out of the service she'd already have caused a disturbance.

The older siblings would have been fine aged two, as long as we'd had someone ready to take them out if they'd needed the loo etc.

If course she shouldn't go. There's a time and a place for everything. Surely there's someone who could care for her for an hour or two.

Totally depends on your daughter’s disposition and behaviour, and how tolerant the family are. In some circumstances it would be totally fine and in others a complete disaster

Fine in my world. In the midst of death there is life. But we’re neither po-faced nor overly sentimental about death.

No

You should take her. They’re family events and your child is part of your family. It’s strange to exclude them from something that everyone will experience in their lives. Death is a normal part of life, and children so are children.

When my Grandad passed away last year, my Nanna was horrified at the thought that my children might not attend (2 and 3 at the time). My Grandad adored them and would absolutely have wanted them there with the rest of the family. My cousins all brought their small kids too.

We just had a plan that if they got too rowdy my other set of grandparents (so not directly linked the main family), would take them outside to play.

It was lovely. Sad, but we all experienced it together as a family.

You’ve singled me out? Why not go through and send the same response to the MANY others with the same view as me? 🤔

The reason I said this is literally due to OP words - It will be really difficult to manage her there - why on earth would you think it’s acceptable to bring an unruly toddler to ruin what is already a terrible time for grieving family and friends? 😵‍💫

Definitely not.

She won’t understand it anyway, and the risk of her being a distraction or disruptive for others is high.

I did single you out due to your tone. It’s totally fair that others say they wouldn’t but many of us have families who welcome young children at these occasions. Sometimes people would rather you were there than not just because of childcare, and other times it is fine for toddlers to be there. Massively depends on who the family is. I’ve know crematoriums to have a room with sound feeding through so people can take children in there but still hear the service.

So you’ve singled me out deliberately, yet ignored everyone else who says the same thing and in the same tone 🤔 bit weird.
And your logic is still ridiculous given the information we have. The toddler can’t be managed and the only other option is for her and OP not to go. It’s clearly OP’s partners grandmother, so yes, if this toddler can’t be kept under control then they should not be there.
Take a look through and respond to others who share my view - you’ll be here a long time.

Take her or don't take her but not because you think it's "right". There's no right or wrong as to who should attend a funeral.

It’s fine to take her but you need to be on the end of a row to immediately whip her out if she starts to fuss. Know your own child too, mine were fine at sitting still with a book because they were used to church. Obviously ask whoever is organising first, many people do appreciate the younger ones there, it definitely lightens the mood, the whole circle of life thing! I organise funerals so see a lot!

I don’t know why on earth you would even consider it unless there was literally no other option

These threads always go the same way - about 1/2 and 1/2 split of "yes of course" and "no of course not". Neither is right, so it's strange for some people to feel so incredulous about it.

OP, only you can know what sort of funeral it is and whether it's appropriate for a toddler, whether you want to take her and whether you'll be OK managing her.

All the grandchildren went to both my parents' funerals. It's how our family is.

Personally I think exposing children to this very natural part of life enables them to cope better when they are faced with grief later in life.
I have childhood memories of going to my Grandma's funeral. I believe that those rather jumbled memories made the grief of losing my parents a little easier. It also helped me consider how my own children felt at that time, as I'd been the little kid wondering how the strange day would pan out.
I'm not saying that funerals should be used as a learning experience, but that experiencing them as children may help them as adults.

@rosemarble This is a toddler! They won’t remember anything! No. It doesn’t help as an adult! Each death is individual and has different levels of grief. What you did as a child has little bearing on feelings as an adult which I have found, vary quite a lot.

Wouldn't cross my mind not to. We were never kept away from funerals as children and nor were my younger cousins. I took DS to a funeral at about 18 months and he wasn't the only one that age.

It's a far more polarising thing than I ever realised till I was on here.