Thoughts on taking a two and a half year old to a funeral

[Gogwuh]

What are people’s views on this? It will be really difficult to manage her there but is it right for my daughter to attend her great grandmothers funeral or better to stay at home with her and DH to attend.

I don't see any problem with this at all.

It depends. Obviously not a flat no - anyone who says it is, is being ridiculous - but it depends on circumstances and the toddler.

My DGS came to my DM’s funeral. DDIL sat at the back with him in case he needed to go out, but he didn’t. He liked the music and seeing Daddy speaking about his DGM, and danced during the last song which was quite jolly.

DM would have loved it, and DGS’s presence provided the lightness everyone needed.

Families are all different aren’t they? I’ve never seen a child at a funeral below 5 and mainly because parents want grown up time at the service and out of respect for other mourners if dc won’t settle.

If you have an option not to take her then leave her at home. She will have no clue what she’s attending and it will mean nothing to her.

If you take her you should be prepared to leave when she starts making noise and you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to miss your own Grandmothers funeral just for the sake of having your child there.

It totally depends on the family. I’m from a large Catholic family, where children are taken to every wedding and funeral. It wouldn’t occur to us to do it any other way.

I took my just-turned 3yo and my almost 5yo to my grandmother's funeral. I needed DH's support, the family wanted to see the kids. It was absolutely lovely. We brought a mountain of snacks to keep them occupied through the service, all was well. I'm so glad I took them.

There was no religious aspect to the funeral, it was very much a celebratory memorial of her life.

DH and I took my toddler to my aunts funeral, she was in her pushchair, we said hello to everyone and DH took her for a stroll during the actual funeral part. She and DH rejoined for the gathering.

@Gogwuh ,
This exactly, we’ve always had children of varying ages at our family funerals.

Everyone will have a personal opinion OP.
context is everything here
child temperament and ability to sit quietly
child relationship with deceased
wishes of the immediate family of deceased
any pressing customs/ ‘rules’ at church or wherever it’s being held
availability of somewhere to step outside to
availability of someone to take her outside
how you are likely to be feeling on the day

only you can work this out OP

By the fact I quoted you, yes, I singled you out because your tone was unpleasantly dominant and I commented. It’s how chats work. You clearly think you’re right so I’m not sure why you want to engage in a debate with me.

This is another thing. Funerals and weddings are kind of family reunions for us.

We just did with our nearly 2 year old as we couldn’t leave her with anyone my husband just took her out when she started to get unsettled! And we sat at the back so we could make a swift exit if needed!

She was also at my Dads funeral but was only 2 months then so was far easier to manage!

DEFINITELY don’t take her. She’s far too young and could potentially be disruptive at a poignant occasion.

Depends on the family, the kind of funeral, etc. If it's a relaxed family affair and DC coming to funerals is the norm in your family/friend group, then probably okay, as long as kids are taken out if they're disruptive. If it's a more formal funeral and it's not the norm for your family, perhaps not.

I would always ask the immediate family members of the deceased person about their wishes and then respect that, it's a bit like weddings in that way I guess. Some people may like children to be around, it may even be comforting or helpful. But for others, they could be too loud or too random to cope with on an occasion they see as solemn.

Many others have used the exact same tone and words as me .. yet you’ve not pursued them 🤔

You sound like my 13yo “but EVERYONE else does it”… doesn’t make it right. Using you as an example as you’re the one I saw. I’m really not that committed to a thread on mn 😂

"It will be really difficult to manage her"
If this is the case OP then no. You would be stressed, others might be stressed in case she cries etc.
The event is not about the child.

I attended a funeral where a thirty year old colleague of mine had died. It was incredibly sad. She had two little daughters who sobbed quietly all the way through. Her brother and his wife brought their young child, probably aged around two. Said child screamed throughout the entire service and the parents sat tight in the pew and just let the disruption dominate everything. The poor priest had to almost shout to be heard. In the circumstances it was pretty unbearable and I thought they were monumentally selfish. Children of that age have no place at a funeral.

If she’s your Great Grandmother then why can’t your DH stay home with your toddler?

I had to take my eldest to 2 funerals of close relatives when he was around a year old. There was no one who could watch him also not in attendance.

He was fine. One funeral I took him outside and the other my husband took him outside for a bit.

Distant relatives one of us would probably have stayed home with him. But as this was for a close relative to be blunt our family was
more important than other more distant mourners so 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’d definitely leave her at home at 2.5yrs old. Won’t be appropriate her running around / shouting out like toddlers do. I wouldn’t take a child unless age 8-10 minimum.

Yup. People saying "leave them at home to respect the close family" - sometimes the kids ARE the close family. When I took mine, my kids were two of the six remaining blood relatives of my late grandmother. No way was I leaving them behind.

My Dad died in February and our son was just about to turn 2. We planned for a friend to sit in the opposite pew with a bag full of snacks and toys. It was a Catholic fuebral so quite lengthy and he managed well except he got upset when I went up to do the Eulogy. We expected this and my husband took him out to the back. At the graveside my little boy didn't want to stay still which was distracting to other people so I said a quick good and prayer and then we went to look at the digger which was discreetly waiting to fill in the earth once Dad's coffin was in the ground. Because I was busy looking sfter him it did mean I didn't get upset which was a bonus. But I think if the funeral hadn't been such a close relative we would have arranged childcare. Hope it goes well for you x

It’s absolutely fine imo.

Sorry for your loss. We took DC1 to a funeral at that age - it was my last grandparent, who had lived happily to a ripe old age (not far off 100) and was very much a celebration of life rather than a funeral of one gone too soon. We took DC1 as we had nobody to look after them - the location meant we couldn’t do it in a day around normal childcare and everyone who would have looked after him from the family was at the funeral. DH was primed to whizz him out if necessary (but didn’t have to).

I think it depends on the child and on the mourners - if lots of adults are likely to be very visibly upset, I might think twice.
We didn’t take DC1 to the next family funeral, when he was 4, as he would have been very aware, and my focus needed to be on supporting the chief mourner.