How on earth do people not fall apart?

[TheMrsY]

2 weeks ago, DH was rushed into hospital unwell, sepsis... After a battery of tests they have told me he has secondary liver cancer.
I want to get him home but his infection markers are still way up. I have to wait until the MDT meeting on Wednesday but they've been fairly open that it is unlikely to be treatable as his liver is in such a bad way.
This is such a shock and I am really struggling to process it.
How do people get through this? My heart physically hurts.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You get through it one minute, then one hour, then one afternoon, then one day, at a time.

Do you have people around you for support OP? You’ll find lots of love and support on here. Unmumsnetty hugs - couldn’t read and run but I know people with similar experiences will be along soon. You’re not alone x

So sorry, no experience but hopefully others will be along soon to support you. X

You get through it because simply there is no other option. I know that sounds dreadful but it’s true, people have had terrible tragedies and losses since the dawn of time and for me there was some sort of peace in knowing that, I would cope because generations before me had.

Sending you love OP.
No easy way of getting through this terrible time for you, but you will get through it.

You do find an inner strength whilst being desperately sad. It’s really hard and my heart goes out to you, but in years to come you will realise that you are amazing, you coped with everything life threw at you even though currently you just take each step at a time, firstly the meeting. Take help offered from others and lean on this virtual community too, at 3am someone always replies

So sorry for you and your husband.
Having tragically lost a husband, I got through it by taking it one day at a time, which then became a week and so on. I went for long, solitary walks as we had so many visitors in the early days and I needed time alone to think.
I thought about my situation and decided I could either sink or swim, I decided to swim because I knew that would have been what he would have wanted for me.
I now have a different life but I still have my days when I think what could have been and wish I could turn back the clock to happier times.
If you love someone, all that love has to go somewhere and that's grief.
Be kind to yourself and remember to eat, you will get through this. xx

I'm so sorry for your news. Sometimes it's worse when you're waiting for updates, and going between hope and despair.
@TheMrsY do you have children? Do you work? X

Heart goes out to you, it must be so hard to process.

When we lost our DIL who was only in her late twenties, I just kept saying to my son you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They had an under one baby too, so in some ways there was no choice. It's so dam hard though.

You definitely get physical pain, from the shock and the overwhelming sadness of both a devastating diagnosis and the loss.

Hopefully the MDT team can come up with a plan to get your husband stable and home with you.

I'm really sorry OP, that sounds so hard. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you there.
I have found the film Truly Madly Deeply helpful for this, just because the film understands on such a deep level.

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you, and your husband.

You will get through this, even if you think you can't, you will find a strength from somewhere that you didn't know you had. And you will do it because of the love that you have for your husband.

I lost a son and I thought my heart would physically break because the pain was indescribable. I was at my lowest and thought that I would never come back from it but slowly and surely I learned to live again. So please take comfort in that. You will make it out of the other side of all this. You will not be the same person you were before, but you will do it. Unfortunately you have to go through a whole world of pain first.

Do you have any support? Children? Parents? Family? If you do then you are going to need them to help you through. You can always reach out on here or other support groups. There will always be someone to answer you.

And take one hour, one day, one week at a time and try not to look too far ahead.

Sending you love ❤

You just get through it because like others have said, there’s no other option.
one foot in front of the other. Don’t think about tomorrow, think about today, this hour, this minute. I found writing to do lists every morning helped, I would then use it to refocus during the day. Go for walks, if you can. Only speak to who you want to speak to. You’ll find out quickly which ones of your friends are good at this stuff and which ones aren’t. Lean on the ones who are good. Take them up on offers of coffee/cooking/laundry. Don’t feel bad about ignoring the calls of the ones that bring you down. Get rest, find a technique that will send you off to sleep and quieten the noise in your head. Hypnosis tapes worked for me and four count breath in, five count breath out.
you’ll get through it. You’ll look back and say ‘I don’t know how I managed it’ but you did.

Thank you so much everyone. I needed that little nudge in the right direction.

@Isometimeswonder i have 2 children, 12 and 15. Work from home.

@TwelveBlueSocks Truly Madly Deeply - Alan Rickman?

@andweallloveclover Thank you. Oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear about your son. I can't imagine the pain. This is horrendous enough.

@aquestionforya great advice about being selective, I have been ignoring some. I have definitely seen who the real support network are.
Falling asleep isn't too bad. It's the staying asleep that is the problem. I wake sweating and heart racing.

@Hopealong Your son is incredible. What a shock. It makes me realise how lucky I have been to have DH for all these years.

@Colinthedaxi very good point about the generations before.

@Scenicgirl I definitely have to swim. My kids need me to.

@minnienono what is it with 3am!!!!!!

@allnewname thank you

@MonkeyTennis34 thank you

Having been through similar recently you find a strength you didn’t know you had. Like so many others are saying you just keep getting up every morning, spending time with your husband, look yourself too; make sure you eat whatever you can. Get support where you can, ask for the palliative care team to be involved if you are not offered this, they were a godsend for me. Also find out if there is other support locally offered for families of people with cancer for you and your children.
I couldn’t believe we were in that situation and that I was going to lose my husband and it’s still hard to believe it happened but I have to keep living! I have children to live for and things to do, places to go. I definitely realise life can be too short. There are some conversations I wished I’d had with my husband but the end came quicker than we expected.

People get through it because they have to. "Falling apart" is just not an option
You will surprise yourself, OP - humans are tough.

Ds died 7 months ago aged 25. I have dreadful moments but they are fewer and less intense...we still haven't had the inquest and it won't be for another 6 months.
I talk about him to complete strangers and that keeps him alive.
People say I'm brave, resilient, inspirational...I'm just getting on with it. The alternative is awful. I don't want to be known as the mother whose son took his own life.

@lennonj I am so sorry. Thank you for the wisdom. It has come as a huge shock. I keep reminding myself one step at a time. I just can't seem to control the tears coming out of nowhere.

@Cynic17 DH is the strong one, I'm the wobbler. But you're right, I do have to get through this. No option.

@Mikart I am so sorry. That's unforgivable to have to wait so long for the inquest. You are brave and inspirational - just getting on with it makes you those things.

Best of luck with the MDT meeting today. Keep us posted if you wish. We are all here to help you through this if you need it. Thinking of you xx

Also, while it might seem hard, get as much admin done now as you can - passwords, bank accounts, pension beneficiaries, life insurance details if you have it, etc. Do you have a will?

So, our worst fears were realised on Wednesday - DH's cancer is not treatable. It is bowel cancer that has spread to his liver. His liver is not functioning very well and so chemotherapy is not an option. They apparently discussed other options but felt that they could do more harm than good. So palliative care is our only option. They said he had "weeks" left.

I can't wrap my head around the speed of it.

I am trying to get him home. I managed to get him off the hospital ward (which was traumatic for our kids) and into the hospice - they want to manage his pain before he comes home and now the bank holiday means that won't happen for a few days.

I'm broken.

I’m so very sorry.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. How utterly devastating. I'm afraid I don't have any advice just wanted to let you know you are in our thoughts x

My DH died just before Christmas. He died in intensive care exactly one week after he was admitted. He had tests for pancreatic cancer. The tests triggered acute pancreatitis.

I’m not going to tell you it’s easy, it’s not. Having said that, I do think we find some strength we didn’t know we had. My family have been amazing and have looked after me. I have a little dog as well and she needs her walks and cuddles.

I’m so sorry for what happening to you and your DH, sending a handhold.

I am so very sorry that your worst fears have been realised. This is just awful.

I really hope you have a good support system around you as you are going to need it in the coming weeks.

Your poor DH too. How the hell do you get your head round this.

Sending you love and strength to navigate what lies ahead for your family.

I'm so sorry OP

Oh OP. One of life’s worst nightmares has happened, I’m so sorry. You will find the strength, but I’m so sorry you’re going to have to. Life is so unfair, it’s just awful.