How on earth do people not fall apart?

[TheMrsY]

2 weeks ago, DH was rushed into hospital unwell, sepsis... After a battery of tests they have told me he has secondary liver cancer.
I want to get him home but his infection markers are still way up. I have to wait until the MDT meeting on Wednesday but they've been fairly open that it is unlikely to be treatable as his liver is in such a bad way.
This is such a shock and I am really struggling to process it.
How do people get through this? My heart physically hurts.

Oh my god I am so so sorry that this has happened so quickly. It must feel completely unreal right now.

Please don't beat yourself up about not getting him home, that was completely out of your control and there is nothing you could have done but I am glad that the hospice and staff were so amazing and that his passing was a peaceful one.

There is no doubt that this is going to take some time for you to process and to come to terms with and I hope that you have some really good support round you.

Sending you hugs 🌹

I was really hoping this wouldn’t be your update.

Hospice car is excellent, they are experts and I’m glad they were able to help you.

How I wish things were different for you. Please lean on us, we are here for you today and always xx

I’m so sorry to hear this, sending you and your family so much love.

Unfortunately with some cancers it does happen that quickly because they are discovered so late. Ironically my dad said that way was better because, in his words only, he wasn’t hanging around for months being a burden and feeling terrible. Of course he was never a burden to us.

Take care of yourself. Again… remember to eat!

@TheMrsY I’m so sorry to read your update. Hugs to you and your family. It is so hard when everything happens so far, hard to process. Don’t go mad thinking you have to sort all the paperwork etc all at once.
We were in a very similar situation with illness to death happening in a very short time and I really struggle with that but am having counselling. I found it hard at first to remember my husband before he was ill (and it had only been a short illness) but after a few months the good memories came back. It’s hard, I can’t pretend otherwise so get support where you can. Join WAY or Way up depending on your age to get support from others who’ve been there.

@TheMrsY I’m so sincerely sorry to read this, and I am really feeling for you. I have only just seen your thread, but it was just as I’d been reflecting on the date. My mum was diagnosed with secondary cancer in the liver 10 years ago on 29th April, she passed away on 6th May. It was a total and horrendous shock. We think there was a primary in her bowel but we never found out.

It was my mum and not my husband, so very different but the speed of it was so difficult to come to terms with.

I am hoping he was as comfortable as he could possibly have been, and it sounds like he was in a very caring environment.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and hope the kindness from posters can help just a little.

I just wanted to send you so much love to you and your children.

@TheMrsY I am so very sorry to read this, you must be in shock. It sounds as though the hospice did everything they could and in time I hope this will help you. I hope you have support, I found I needed to talk it through, sometimes over and over, just to process it all. There will be times when you fall apart and that's ok. You will get through this. Sending love xxx

@TheMrsY I'm so sorry to hear this and sending hugs to you and your children. The shock must be dreadful but as everyone is saying - one step at a time! X

I am so sorry. I am glad you were with him and he was so well cared for.

It used to do my head in when people told me "it takes time", but it's true. You've barely had time to catch your breath let alone process any of this. My mum went from seeming very healthy to being gone at a young age in 2 months. It felt a bit like stepping off a fast merry-go-round with everything still spinning and it took time to even catch up with what had happened.

The hospice should be able to provide support to you as well, whether now or in the future. They often can provide counselling to bereaved families of people the hospice cared for.

Take things one step at a time, one minute at a time if you need to. Don't worry about big things like the future for now, just get through the present.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. When I had to deal with something similar, I focused just by remembering I had to keep going for my children. In time you find other ways to cope and that help, but what kept me here and going was knowing I had to for my children. Grief is so tiring, I allowed myself to take the easy road sometimes - not cooking but ordering in sometimes. Do whatever you need to do to get by in these early days.

@TheMrsY I am so sorry for your loss - I know dh wanted to get home - but it’s very diff for the one living at home to know their loved one died there - to get rid of the bed / to look in the corner of the room and think they died there

some can cope. Some can’t and move

so imo dying at the hospice was the best place for him and you /your family

the staff are amazing and it usually so peaceful

take things easy.

there is no right or wrong. You do what you feel is best

Winston wishes is great support for children who have had a parent die

much love 💐💐💖💖

I’m so very sorry for you and your family. Please take care of you, you are in shock and need to have people support you. Take all the help you can bear - there are no medals for bearing up at this horrible time. Hugs to you all.

How do you come to terms with the speed of it?

You don’t, you really don’t. I don’t think you ever do. It was exactly one week for us. In the morning, before I took him in for the procedure, we did some housework. He put a load of washing on and it was still in the washer when he died.

I believe what probably happens is that you get used to what’s happened.

I am so sorry for your loss @TheMrsY 💐

I came to say, you put one foot in front of the other and slowly learn to live with the grief.

But I’ve just read your update. I’m so sorry OP. Life can unbearably cruel sometimes. I’m nearly 6 years on from dd dying, and life has lots of happy moments. There are still moments and days where I relive the trauma and wonder why the heck it happened.

But for now, take it an hour at a time and remember your lovely DH. Take care of yourself, I’m sure this is a huge shock. Lean on friends/ family for support with cooking/ daily tasks. The one thing I wish someone had told me is to take my time - it didn’t matter if “stuff” wasn’t sorted instantly (clothes, next steps etc) and there is no right way to do a funeral - do whatever is right for your family.

So sorry for your loss.
My best friend died, suddenly and unexpectedly, when her children were teenagers so I have witnessed/ experienced something similar to what you must be going through. I hope you get the amazing support my friend’s family did from wider family, friends, the school, their GP and her employer and insurance and pension companies who sprang to action immediately to help alleviate financial worries and offer bereavement counselling. Kind people, including neighbours they barely knew, unexpectedly appeared to help them out in all manner of ways.
I thought you may like to hear that each year I’ve seen her husband and (now adult) children become stronger, develop, recover their joy for life and thrive. We all hold very fond memories of their mum close to our hearts but the pain has gradually subsided over time. 5 years on they’re a really close family unit and they’ve coped with a tragic situation incredibly well.
You will too. It will be challenging and difficult - and you will inevitably have days where you think you can’t carry on - but you will; you’ll get through this step by step.
Sending love to you and your children. Please be kind to yourself. You sound like a very caring person. You wouldn’t make anyone else in your situation feel guilty so please try to spare yourself. Save your energy for putting one foot in front of the other.

I am so very sorry for your loss. You've had so little time to process, that I cannot imagine what a shock this must be. Thinking of you, your children, and everyone who loved your husband.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Ime (nhs manager) it’s very common indeed for people to die quickly. Many cancers only become apparent at a late stage and especially in younger adults they can go fast because the body holds up as long as it can and then lets go. People often assume cancer is a drawn out death but that’s not always the case. A lot if people who die from pulmonary embolism for example have an underlying cancer. So you are every much not alone in the speed. I am so sorry though. Really hard to cope with the change. I hope you have good people around you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Hospice care is amazing. Morphine is amazing. Our loved ones are made as comfortable and secure as possible during the dying process.
It is such a massive shock, though. When I lost a parent in similar circumstances I was deeply shocked for a long time. I found that being around other people who’d suffered a similar loss was helpful to me.
At the moment, just focus on getting through each day. Let people help if they offer. Make sure you eat enough food if you can - it’s easy to forget to eat. Stay nourished.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother at just 23 years old and my mum and dad within 12 months of each other . Whilst I agree with everyone who has said you carry on because you have to and that you have to take one step at a time I think it is only right to say that, in my experience , there will also be times when you will fell like you are falling apart . I remember times when I stood in the shower for 30 minutes crying as if I would never stop and times when I wanted to scream and hit out at everyone and everything . Yes you will carry on and you will get stronger but please don’t feel like you are ‘failing’ if at times you do feel like you are falling apart because that is a very real part of what you are going through . Very best wishes to you and your family

I'm so sorry to hear your update. I lost my husband in similar circumstances 6 years ago. The first year was and still is a complete blur. Just do what you need to get through each day. I still miss him every day but the kids are doing great and life is still worth living. Thinking of you and your family tonight x

I'm so sorry for your loss and can't imagine what you and your children are going through right now, life is just so unjust and none of it makes sense a lot of the time. Thinking of you all with a heavy heart and hope you can get through these next few days and weeks 💚😥

I am so sorry. I can relate to this. This time last year everything was fine. My husband of 40 years got the same diagnosis as your lovely husband in June and passed away just before Christmas. I'm not going to pretend it's easy but you'll find, as I did that you have strength you never thought possible. In my experience talking to friends and family was a massive support. Spend as much time with him as you can and say everything you want to say to him. He got wonderful care from our local hospice and his last week was very special with their support. It's a nightmare but one step at a time. Sending love to you and your family

I'm sorry, I didn't read your update before posting, so sorry for your loss. X

so sorry for your loss. My dad died within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with terminal cancer too. We didn't get to say goodbye, it was literally within minutes after he collapsed. He didn't suffer, he didn't have a long treatment plan to extend his life by a few months. To us, his way of passing was the kindest way for him.

I am so sorry to read this. I think bereavement from sudden death is different to bereavement after a long illness, though they are both awful. My dad died suddenly in similar circumstances, within 10 days of first visiting his GP with a pain in his side. He also had secondary liver cancer with the primary in the bile duct (same as a PP), not diagnosed until after he died. The consultant said that you can function on about 10% of your liver, then after that everything shuts down. It helped explain how my dad went from basically fine to not here in the course of such a short time. It was such a shock to us all though, even though he was older, and there was barely time to come to terms with him being ill before he died. I think you will be in shock for a while, so do take care of yourself and I hope friends and family are rallying round for you.