How on earth do people not fall apart?

[TheMrsY]

2 weeks ago, DH was rushed into hospital unwell, sepsis... After a battery of tests they have told me he has secondary liver cancer.
I want to get him home but his infection markers are still way up. I have to wait until the MDT meeting on Wednesday but they've been fairly open that it is unlikely to be treatable as his liver is in such a bad way.
This is such a shock and I am really struggling to process it.
How do people get through this? My heart physically hurts.

Thank you so much everyone, I'm sorry I haven't been back and can't reply to you all individually at the moment. Your words have been helpful. It is good (selfishly) to know we are not alone in how things went. I am still in shock. Yesterday I spent most of the day crying. I am trying to stay strong for my children but I don't have it in me to not cry. I'm a cryer.

@TheMrsY it is absolutely okay for you to cry. And for your children to see you cry too. I know as Mums we try and be strong for them, but you are in this together, and its okay for you to cry together. Its okay for them to see how much this is hurting you too. You are all still in the shock stages of grief and still trying to process what has happened. You have all suffered such a massive loss its going to take time for you all to get your head around this.

Do you have support? Parents/Family/Friends? I really hope you do. Lean on them now as much as you need. And when you feel ready there are some amazing support groups where you can connect with others who have been through the same thing and you may, in time, find some comfort there.

Sending you love. You have not been far from my thoughts since I first saw this thread. ❤

It’s fine to cry. Better to cry then hold it all in. It’s such early days for you but hope you have support via friends and family and school if children that age

It's okay to cry. It's a really useful way of releasing some of the stress from your body. After you cry you might notice that the pain feels slightly less sharp for a period, which also lets your body rest a little.

Don't worry about trying to reply here. Post if it helps you, but if it doesn't then absolutely do NOT feel guilty.

Just do what you need.

I have only just read this thread.😢

I am so, so sorry you have lost your lovely DH in such awful circumstances. The speed of which this happened is dreadful, and it just does not give you any time to process anything at all.

Take each day as it comes, and do what feels right for you and your children.

Sending you <<Hugs>>

I’m so sorry OP. No experience here. Just sending hugs 💛

I’m so sorry OP. You are doing so well in the most horrific of times. Sending love.

Crying is actually good for you. I cried every day for weeks after DH died. I’m still crying now most days. It’s not a bad thing to cry. ❤️

Thank you everyone. The funeral was Saturday. It was an out of body experience. What is weird is that there seems to be an expectation that now he is buried I can get on with it. I don't understand how I am supposed to get on with living when my world has just been turned upside down.

Oh OP. Anyone with any experience of grief will agree that this is almost the hardest bit. I assume you still have the admin side to wade through, and reality is setting in. Somehow the realisation that this is it now is even harder than the initial horror.
Im so sorry you are being made to feel like this. Perhaps you can now take up some of the offers of ‘anything I can do’ or ‘here if you need me’. Would be so much better if there were some who would scoop you up a bit but please don’t be afraid to ask.
Life is so unfair. Im so sorry.

In a way, if anything, this is the hard bit. The distraction of the funeral and laying them to rest is over. Now comes the reality of living without them in your life. The obvious emptiness and void that persons passing has left you with. What do you do now? How do you just carry on with your life when one of the most important people in it is no longer there? You get up and go about your business, on your own. I think losing a partner is like losing a leg.

You have no choice but to get up each day, and keep 'living life' and you do that for your DC's. You will find your way. You will. But it will be hard and you will hate it, and feel sad, and not want to do it. But you will.

There are some amazing support groups out there and other women you can connect with who have been through, or are going through, exactly what you are now. It might be a source of comfort for you to not feel alone in your grief.

People can be weird like that after a funeral, but anyone with experience of close bereavement won't expect that of you. Of course you can't just pick up like nothing has happened.

This period is just a time for getting through each moment as best you can. Don't think too much about anything bigger than that. Just plod one foot in front of the other, and if there are moments where all you can do is breathe then just do that.

It's ok to just 'exist' for a while rather than trying to 'live'. There's a lot for you to process and it won't happen instantly.

So sorry for your loss OP.

unfortunately most will return to their life, out of sight, out of mind.

you get up and try to get through each day as best as you can, you will have bad days, better days, totally shit days and hopefully some better days.

I’m heading for five months without DH and you just cope, one day at a time, as best as you can. I talk about him all the time, I think about him every day, nearly all day, they say it gets easier, I think what gets easier is you have shed loads of things you have to deal with and you slowly do them one by one, ticking them off as you go. Personally I don’t feel I’ve grieved for DH, im expecting a huge wave of something to wash over me, so far it hasn’t come. I don’t do things we did together really anymore and I’ve looked for other things to do, I’ve signed up to a Thai cookery course and I’ve just decided to not rush anything. I’ve still got clothes to sort. He’s not gone in my head so no need to dash about.

just breathe and take it one day at a time. I’ve no set plans to do anything in particular and im only just getting round to sorting the utilities etc, although I did do the councils tax because they have a discount for single adults.

if you’ve not claimed the bereavement support from HMRC do that quickly as it’s time specific.

hugs

It is like losing a leg!!! I honestly can't function without him. I had no idea I would feel this way. I know I didn't have much time to mentally prepare but I have no experience of grief like this. I lost an aunt young, but the rest has been older relatives. I feel completely lost.

Thank you all for the support. I really appreciate the kind words and advice.

I have applied for the bereavement payment, having 2 kids focuses the mind on finances I guess. It's the only bit of admin I have managed to complete so far. I haven't even managed to pack up his work computer to send back. I just keep shutting the door on it.

I am sorry to hear that you haven't grieved after 5 months. I think it is so unknown how it will affect you that you are in limbo. The Thai cookery class sounds like a good way to step into the world.

I can't watch any of the quiz type TV shows we used to watch. It feels so wrong to not hear his voice answering the questions.

So sorry for your loss

Like an idiot I wrote a reply without checking the date.

I won't delete the below in case it is useful for future mumsnetters...

big hugs and

In all honesty the answer to the Q in your OP is - you do fall apart. Falling apart is just what happens. You rely on your family and friends to hold it together, because you can't.

Is there a Macmillain Nurses presence in the hospital where you DH is? There is an area in the lobby of our hospital. I managed to speak half a sentence to them before bursting into tears and they were amazingly supportive and helped me to access all sorts of other help too.

Perhaps I need to start a new thread as it might confuse people.