How on earth do people not fall apart?

[TheMrsY]

2 weeks ago, DH was rushed into hospital unwell, sepsis... After a battery of tests they have told me he has secondary liver cancer.
I want to get him home but his infection markers are still way up. I have to wait until the MDT meeting on Wednesday but they've been fairly open that it is unlikely to be treatable as his liver is in such a bad way.
This is such a shock and I am really struggling to process it.
How do people get through this? My heart physically hurts.

I'm so sorry OP. My sister died of liver cancer, apparently liver cancer is almost always a secondary cancer and my sister also had bile duct cancer.

Please be kind to yourself, don't put pressure on yourself to always hold it together. It's perfectly fine not to, you need to allow yourself to feel the pain so you can move through it.

One step at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

I am so so sorry. Well done on getting him into the hospice, I'm sure it will be a comfort to him that you've been there advocating for him.

Do you have anyone there supporting you?

I am so very sorry. It sounds like you moved mountains to get your DH into the hospice, and I am sure that is a better place to be than an acute ward in a hospital. Sending you hugs.

I can’t tell you how you will get through it. All I can say is that you do.
It’s minute by minute, then hour by hour. My brain seemed to shut down on all unnecessary process and I just concentrated on dh and the time we had. I did whatever it took, whatever he wanted and whatever he needed… until the end. Somehow you just do. Ours brains, body and souls do extraordinary things to get us through.
True, absolute friends will help you, so lean on them now and in the future.

I’m glad you’re getting good support on here, now I wish you weren’t all going through this.
please reach out on here when you need us. We’ve got you xx

I am so sorry you're going through this. Well done for getting into him the hospice. I wish we had managed that for my dh but it went too quickly to organise.
You will cope because you have children. I knew that whilst my husband dying was an absolute tragedy for us all, it would be a greater tragedy for my sons to have a mum who didn't cope and made it a worse tragedy. It was as simple as that. I had to show them it was survivable and life was worth living for those of us left behind.
It doesn't mean you're not falling apart on the inside but you focus on your, your husband and your children's needs and the world somehow recedes. Nothing else matters other than that tight circle and hopefully you are lucky, like we were, to have family and friends who do their best to step up and help you carry on. Much love to you, you will get through this xxx

So sorry OP, was really hoping that they would be able to give you some more positive news and that you would at least get longer. It must be so hard to accept what you are faced with. But you will find an inner strength to deal with this.

You will undoubtedly put your husbands and children's needs first over the next few weeks but try to look after yourself too.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sending lots of love and a big hug x

I am so very sorry. Hugs to you and your family.

I just need to get him home. He wants to come home and they've been saying we need his pain management sorted before we can bring him home. Now we're headed into the bank holiday weekend and I am terrified he won't make it and I will never forgive myself.

I have started the self flaggelation. I am remembering every little argument we had over the last 6 months. Every time I was a grumpy perimenopausal bitch. Every time I went to bed early. I don't deserve him. And he doesn't deserve this ending.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They have been a comfort at almost 3am.

No, it isn't fair. And of course he doesn't deserve this. And neither do you. You haven't done anything wrong. You've just been a normal person, living a normal life, with the man you love. And normal life has ups and downs and grumpy bits. That isn't wrong, it's just human. And you are the human he loves. Really hope you get to bring him home soon. And that in this awful time you still manage moments together where that mutual love can shine through and sustain you both.

You do deserve him, because you love him. Of course you've had moments of being irritated, that's real life.

Neither of you (or your children) deserve what you are facing.

I know it is easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up. Take it hour by hour, minute by minute.

Sending you hugs OP. There are no words I can offer you, but know you are in all our thoughts and this thread is here when you need 💐

I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through.
For what it's worth and having been around patients in similar situations he's not going to be thinking about that, he's going to be thinking about all the amazing times you've had together and the memories you've made.
Thinking of you all.

Wow, much respect to you. What an absolute brilliant Mum you are.

I am so sorry for your loss, it must have been horrendous. I hope that life is a little brighter for you now. ❤

I honestly can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through.

No, you don't deserve this and neither does he and life is so bloody unfair sometimes that you could scream. Please try not to feel guilt over things you can no longer change. It doesn't matter. What matters now is what you do from here and you showing up for your DH when he needs you more than he has ever needed you. Everything else is insignificant at this time.

I hope you manage to get him home where he wants to be.

Sorry to hear your dh illness

as others said you cope as no choice

sounds brutal but the truth

some ways you have it harder as coping with an illness and knowing he may /will die - but you get to say goodbye /sort out maybe wills /paperwork /chat but seeing the one you love in pain

v

my situation and dh killed his self and I found him

total shock. Didn’t know was coming. Never got to say bye etx

neither is good

but you will cope as I said above there is no choice. Friends will say you are so strong. I couldn’t survive /cope the way you ( as in me) did

again no choice. Have to deal with it

time helps. Again other widowed people told me this. I thought what bollocks. But it is true.

life goes on

time heals

you don’t forget but you learn to cope with the pain and loss better

dh and i were 37 when he died. I’m now almost 52. Seems insane he died 14yrs ago

feel forever that I haven’t seen or spoken to him but sometimes almost like yesterday

thinking of you 💖💖

I think most people would struggle with this with their dh op. I'm so so sorry.

We have just gone through this with my father in law in January, particularly with discovering it had spread to the liver. If you have any questions of how things may progress, I'd be happy to answer.

None of you deserve this and it's none of your faults.

You are a normal decent but imperfect human. Feeling guilty and responsible, blaming yourself for every imperfection you can find are a natural response to what's happening - it's your brain trying to process and make sense of what's happening and how, so it can look after you in future. Even though it doesn't feel very helpful right now.

Please balance that with some self-compassion. You do deserve kindness and love.

You are doing the absolute best you can for him right now, that's all you can possibly do and all that matters. The timing of this with the bank holiday is not your fault, it's not under your control.

Please try and step away from whatever implements you're using to self-flagellate and be gentle with yourself.

You’ve already started to grieve. It’s something I went through and am still struggling with. I’m told it’s part of the grieving process. One thing I can say to you is, five months in, it’s gone from awful to bad. I’m hoping for better, eventually.

It’s so hard not to feel guilty about everything at a time like this. My husband went to a hospice from the hospital and really I felt I pushed that decision as I felt he would then get the best care, Dr’s and nurses as soon as needed rather than being at home waiting for care at a time of need. He died only a day after going to the hospice and I feel guilty about that decision I made, I remember him asking if he was going home when in the hospital and that memory haunts me, but I still feel like I made the right decision really, but I wonder if he gave up then.
In a situation like this you can only do what you think is best and what is available to you. You don’t always have the benefit of clear/rational thought or being able to discuss it with your husband, mine was too ill by this past couple of days.
Counselling later is the chance to work through some of these feelings. Don’t beat yourself up!

I am so sorry for you. I look back and have no idea how I got through but I did and you will too. As others have said be kind to yourself, try not to put pressure on yourself, you are doing everything you can. My husband also so wanted to be at home but he died in hospital - in the end these things are beyond us all. I recognise the self-flagellation. As someone else said, your husband knows how much love you have poured and are pouring into him - and we are human not saints. Sending love to you.

Anticipatory grief is a very real thing that I definitely went through with a family member when we were in his final weeks. Are you linked to a hospice? I know he is hopefully coming home but they usually do this through a hospice at home team or similar. Ask now about counselling/support for you and the children. Macmillan may be able to help too (they were useless for us but I’ve heard great things about them in other areas). Your GP will happily sign you off work if needed.

When he is home and if he feels able, people will want to come and see him. You have to be in control of this and make sure firstly that it doesn’t get too much for him and that he gets to see the people who matter to him and say the things he wants to say. Steer clear of the people who want to come and cry all over you both and tell you how awful it all is - you know that and it’s not really helpful!

Make sure you and he get time, just you, to understand his wishes (randomly in the last couple of weeks my family member wanted to see a chaplain), to get things in order and to just … be and hold each other.

Get some breaks if you can. We used to go when the nurses came in to change drugs, wash etc.

My family member wrote letters to each of us that we had after he died. They are of huge comfort. Each to their own though.

It’s unbelievably shit, I’m sorry. Some of us found that we got through by having some control of the above and focusing on practical things (reading them back I sound really bossy - it’s just what worked for me/us so feel free to ignore at will). And some of us did a lot of dog walks in which we walked a long way, having a bloody good cry and getting angry at the injustice of it all. There is no right way but you will get through. Thinking of you.

Remember to eat!

I honestly can't believe it, but DH passed away yesterday evening. We got a call Saturday morning telling us to come straight away to the hospice.
I didn't manage to get him home, and I am really sad for him, but actually the hospice was really beautiful and everyone was so kind and as you said @lennonj there was no waiting for the care he needed. The staff treated him with so much compassion and many of the staff were crying themselves.
@lennonj I am sorry you feel the guilt too - but you are only able to make decision based on the moment. I am sorry your DH was so poorly at the end. That is something I am really struggling with. My DH was sometimes with it and then other times not at all. So we never really got many opportunities to really discuss what was happening.

I still cannot wrap my head around the speed of it all. How it is possible to die from cancer within 3 weeks of being admitted into hospital? @Bhockminsister how do you come to terms with the speed of it all.

@Fallulah not bossy at all, I appreciate everything you have said.

@Elkmoor you are right, many things are beyond us as we just have to give in to that.

@TimeForABreak4 I definitely would like to hear that this isn't as rare as it feels to die so quickly.

Thank you everyone for the support.