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Original poster

Dead but not dead

95 replies

BornSandyDevotional · 27/04/2025 13:08

My husband is dying and he's being fucking awful to me.

He has stage 4 bowel cancer with multiple liver lesions.

He's in complete denial.

And is just really, really nasty to me.

He can barely walk

Today he announced that his death in service payment and pension are going to his ex wife.

Am I unreasonable to just ask him to leave?

He's going to need hospice care quite soon

I just don't enjoy being verbally abused all day every day.

OP posts:
ParsnipPuree · 27/04/2025 13:11

No you are not being unreasonable to ask him to leave. Tell him his ex w can enjoy him. I’m livid for you and so sorry you’re going through this.

amooseymoomum · 27/04/2025 13:12

yes bad he is dying but sod him let his ex look after him and earn the money she is getting

SilverButton · 27/04/2025 13:16

This is a clear case of "you reap what you sow". He can't be fucking awful to you and also expect you to care for him.

Auldy · 27/04/2025 13:18

This is awful for you. You need to do what you can to protect yourself now but also that will sit comfortably with you when he dies. It's important to reflect on the relationship as a whole. If this is brand new behaviour then as hurtful as it is, it could be caused by the disease worsening. If it's not new behaviour then that's different. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Is there a possibility that he is lying/confused about the pension?

Gassylady · 27/04/2025 13:19

I’m so sorry he is subjecting you to this and adding to stresses. I don’t know if you can tell him to leave but you can surely stop doing anything for him that you currently do.
Do you have kids together and own the property jointly? Who will be his executor? Any chance he has been coerced into making changes to his nominated beneficiary for the death in service and pension? Might be worth trying to get some legal advice and find out the timings of the nominations.

Auldy · 27/04/2025 13:23

I do think more context is required. There are lots of reasons why a first spouse might be entitled to death in service and pensions. It could have been part of their divorce settlement because of the longevity of their marriage or because they have children.

I understand that you are hurting, grieving and angry Op. I hope you have support in real life.

DogeCon · 27/04/2025 13:24

If he needs hospice care soon that would suggest he has weeks or months to live.

Do you think he really means it or is he lashing out to hurt?

Can he actually organise himself enough to change his death in service/ will etc?

If you drop the rope- e.g. invite XW round, what will he do?
Does he have any moral support other than you?

ginasevern · 27/04/2025 13:32

Has he always been abusive or is it a result of the cancer? I know that terminal illness often makes people say terrible things to their loved ones. Also, what's the position with his ex wife. Do they share children? I'm so sorry you are going through this OP but I think more context is needed.

Mischance · 27/04/2025 13:32

I do understand this scenario. During my OH's long drawn out last illness he was insane .... life was a misery. My family do not know how awful it was ... there is much I have not been able to tell them as it is too shocking. They would be appalled if they knew.

Pension wise, with his the rules were that he had to designate who would get the pension. After he died I had to wait weeks for official confirmation.that it was me. Do you know who your OH has designated?

Contact the local hospice ... they see their role as helping family as well. They were my rock.

Mareleine · 27/04/2025 13:34

You don't have to stay with him just because he's ill OP. Even terminally. He's still being an abusive arse. People will beatify him for having cancer, but that shouldn't be your problem. He can fuck off or start behaving himself.

cestlavielife · 27/04/2025 13:34

Tell his medical team
Maybe they can prescribe him something
If you married what does his will say?
You can walk away get a break for any reason

pimplebum · 27/04/2025 13:38

Is this an abrupt change or has he always been like this ?

what made him want to give his money to his ex , does he mean it ? Has it changed his paperwork ? I had to nominate a person to get my death in service and post it off , maybe it’s all guff?

horrible way to end his life , so sorry

StarTwirl · 27/04/2025 13:44

Do you have a joint account ?

if so drain it and put it in your own account then chuck him out

he sounds vile

Crunk · 27/04/2025 13:55

I’m sorry you are going through this. Is this anger new? Practically, he can nominate his ex-wife to benefit but he can’t decide it. The trustees decide and as his wife, you’d be entitled to inform them of your existence. Does he have minor children with his ex? That might matter.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 27/04/2025 14:16

Yes I definitely do think you should tell him, with as much kindness as you can muster, that his ex wife will need to look after him from now on in that case. That it breaks your heart too much to tend to someone who not only is incredibly nasty to you, but also no longer sees you as a wife or next of kin (who death in service payments/pension should go to).

My heart goes out to you - what a terrible situation you both are in xx

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 27/04/2025 14:48

If he's not usually like this it could be the illness affecting his brain. Are you safe? We want to believe that our loved ones would act well towards us when under extreme stress. Abuse of carers happens more than you think according to xMILs bereavement counsellor.

XFIL started to act truly appallingly towards xMIL in the last weeks of his life. He was punishing her for being well and having a future when he knew he couldn't control that he was frail and dying. Outwardly he still made plans. He was always an ill tempered man but his behaviour became extreme and she pretty much withdrew from him and left his care to his palliative care team (to whom he was slightly less rude) as he was so bitter and obnoxious to her. We saw his behaviour and tried to help support her to shield from him. They were married for nearly 30 years and she reckoned in the last weeks she was working up the courage to leave him if he'd not gone into a hospice right at the end. He stretched her love for him beyond her limits. He also made financial threats towards her as he was paranoid she would move on and remarry quickly and spend his money (his vile behaviour was enough to put her off men for life!) I think he was in a way testing how much she loved him v. his money and trying to control her from beyond the grave. Money won't soften the memories of a lifetime spent pandering to him.

I would check your DHs financial paperwork and will if you can and make a decisIon after that. If your marriage was after he last made a will or he assigned a beneficiary (XW or not?) to his pension you'd need to speak with a solicitor about the implications.

nopineapplepizza · 27/04/2025 14:50

Does he want the Death in Service payment to go to his ex wife because she’s the mother of his DC and he wants them provided for, or are there no children in this scenario?

Alfiemoon1 · 27/04/2025 14:58

Is this a change in behaviour or has he always been a bit like this. Could it be his illness or medication if so contact a medical professional.
Whatever the reason though you don't have to stay with him and put up with it

Timeforabiscuit · 27/04/2025 15:12

I'm sorry, as you are currently married to him and caring, you can absolutely make contact with the hospice and start the ball rolling on either potential hospice care or rolling back on what you can do personal care wise.

It's absolutely heartbreaking when the care gets thrown in your face, I know that anti-psychotic medication made the world of difference in DH's case, but it took 3 professionals including a consultant for him to understand that he needed to take them.

How are you doing otherwise? Have you got any support where you can be completely honest and transparent about what's going on?
I was very shocked at the level of violence that was deemed "typical" for end of life care, I suppose it's a case of what else are you going to do, but it's why it's so important to be frank with the hospice and don't sugar coat it.

I don't think I will ever truly know if caring for DH at home was the right call, it was his wish, but I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Energe · 27/04/2025 15:13

I’m not in your position but from the brief OP, you’re not being unreasonable at all.

Original poster
BornSandyDevotional · 27/04/2025 15:55

Gassylady · 27/04/2025 13:19

I’m so sorry he is subjecting you to this and adding to stresses. I don’t know if you can tell him to leave but you can surely stop doing anything for him that you currently do.
Do you have kids together and own the property jointly? Who will be his executor? Any chance he has been coerced into making changes to his nominated beneficiary for the death in service and pension? Might be worth trying to get some legal advice and find out the timings of the nominations.

The house is jointly owned. His ex is quite pleasant. Nothing to do with her.

I just feel exhausted!

It's a horrid thing to say but people who are dying aren't always fantastically kind.

Thank you to everyone for the nice messages.

I'm just a little lost right now, I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornSandyDevotional · 27/04/2025 16:06

Timeforabiscuit · 27/04/2025 15:12

I'm sorry, as you are currently married to him and caring, you can absolutely make contact with the hospice and start the ball rolling on either potential hospice care or rolling back on what you can do personal care wise.

It's absolutely heartbreaking when the care gets thrown in your face, I know that anti-psychotic medication made the world of difference in DH's case, but it took 3 professionals including a consultant for him to understand that he needed to take them.

How are you doing otherwise? Have you got any support where you can be completely honest and transparent about what's going on?
I was very shocked at the level of violence that was deemed "typical" for end of life care, I suppose it's a case of what else are you going to do, but it's why it's so important to be frank with the hospice and don't sugar coat it.

I don't think I will ever truly know if caring for DH at home was the right call, it was his wish, but I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My eldest is 23. He's an absolute delight. And really supportive.

Youngest starts GCSES next week.

I feel like a horrible person because I prioritise that over him just being unkind to me.

I am so fortunate in that I really enjoy my job too. And my manager is lovely.

It's just so difficult.

Today, he is luminous yellow.

I asked him to just talk to a doctor and got yelled at.

It's really helpful to hear about the antipsychotics.

I just feel really broken and lonely.

And I just don't know what to do. Or who to be.

I'm just horrible lonely and sad,.basically.

OP posts:
Backbag · 27/04/2025 16:10

Fwiw, I don't thinknhis employers will pay death in service to an ex wife, unless she has a significant financial dependency on him. He can make a nomination but the trustees ultimately decide.

Original poster
BornSandyDevotional · 27/04/2025 16:11

pimplebum · 27/04/2025 13:38

Is this an abrupt change or has he always been like this ?

what made him want to give his money to his ex , does he mean it ? Has it changed his paperwork ? I had to nominate a person to get my death in service and post it off , maybe it’s all guff?

horrible way to end his life , so sorry

It is an abrupt change. I love him. It's just become extremely difficult.

He just seems to despise me!

OP posts:
bestbefore · 27/04/2025 16:12

Can you speak to his doctors? Sounds like he needs help to be honest