Dead but not dead

[BornSandyDevotional]

My husband is dying and he's being fucking awful to me.

He has stage 4 bowel cancer with multiple liver lesions.

He's in complete denial.

And is just really, really nasty to me.

He can barely walk

Today he announced that his death in service payment and pension are going to his ex wife.

Am I unreasonable to just ask him to leave?

He's going to need hospice care quite soon

I just don't enjoy being verbally abused all day every day.

was going to say this! Oensions are a trust and it’s up to the trustees who it goes to so you absolutely need to make sure they know about you!

So sorry you’re going through this. Hope the hospital can make him more comfortable.

Do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this, best of luck to you and to your son for his exams.

Not cold at all! It’s a scary, shocking situation for you all and I think you are doing remarkably.

I understand a little as my mum was terminally ill and was utterly vile to me when I cared for her in my home. It was not what I expected.

Oh. Do go away!

It's terribly frightening and really hurtful when someone you love changes so rapidly.

Forgive me for not being an oncologist or in possession of a personal CT scanner.

But yes. If my husband says vile things about me and to my child, leaving really does seem like a viable option.

How would I know the cancer was so aggressive or its effects on personality?

I wouldn't wish what he's experiencing on my worst enemy.

I won't be joining the throng of well wishers around your bed when you're recovering from your much needed sensitivity bypass.

I don’t mean to offend I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult

Hi OP, I commented a few days back, I hope you are managing to hold up. You don't sound cold at all, you sound like a person who is just trying to get through it, and manage for your son as well as yourself and your husband. It sounds very difficult emotionally and very confusing. One day, hour, minute at a time. Did you manage to get any contact with hospice? I see you mentioned McMillan, hopefully they can offer support to you.
Really wishing you strength - don't rush into anything, it sounds incredibly hard but at the same time you don't want to have any regrets. Breathe. Talk it out if you can with mcmillan, I am very sure they have experienced this many times before. You need the emotional support right now.

Thank you so much. We do now have a Macmillan nurse. Palliative care are supposed to meet with us today. Yesterday, he had two unsuccessful attempts at inserting a stent.

Round 3 is going on currently.

Having the Macmillan nurse involved has been like a weight lifted.

My eldest is coming down this evening.

I will have both of my children with me. That's a really lovely thing for me.

Your advice about taking it slowly is welcome and necessary.

Thanks so much.

If you don't claim PIP yet speak to Macmillan about doing it under special rules, same if you don't have a blue badge for him.

MacMillan nurses are wonderful , I’m so pleased you have their support and your children with you.

@BornSandyDevotional how are you OP? I hope your children and other family are bringing you comfort and you continue to access hospice support.

Thank you so much for asking! The stent was fitted on the second attempt. He was an inpatient for 6 nights. Palliative care tried to engage with him on the ward and he refused.

He's home and very unwell.

I have convinced him, together with the amazing McMillan nurse, that palliative care is not primarily end of life but more about symptom management.

He sleeps practically all the time and there's nothing to him.

Nausea and vomiting (such as it is. Because he isn't eating) are causing him distress and it's so very hard to see someone so diminished.

He has a PET scan tomorrow which, happily, can be done locally.

He's being far less poisonous to me now. Which is a mercy.

He's still in denial. But that's okay, I think?

I am working (work are super supportive) and my lad is now well into the melee of GCSE exams.

I'm sorry if I have repeated myself at all.

It's all a blur.

Thank you so much for asking.

I’m so relieved to hear his behaviour towards you is less unpleasant - and yes denial is a perfectly understandable coping mechanism. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your children to watch.

It is admirable that you are balancing work and exams at the same time. I hope it is a comfort to you all to have that to focus on.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this OP and your poor boy having to do his GCSEs as well. My dad died of cancer hand had some striking personality changes, its just awful and you have all of my sympathy.

It doesn't sound like it's going to be long lovely. Juf be aware and have a chat with Macmillan and maybe the local hospice at home.

Have the doctors mentioned Hepatic Encephalopathy? If his liver is damaged enough that he is yellow I would think it’s a distinct possibility and would explain his abrupt personality change

I’m sorry to hear about your DH’s illness and the worry you and your family are going through, OP. You mentioned that your son is doing GCSEs - do let his school know of the situation at home and ask whether he is entitled to ‘special consideration’ for his exams. I don’t know exactly how it works but it may ensure that this difficult time is taken into account.

The hospice at home and GP came to the house when DF was very unwell towards the end. Do speak to Macmillan as well and Marie Curie nurses may cover your area. We had a couple of nights respite with a MC nurse staying over. If your DH is sleeping a lot (in spite of the stent relieving the jaundice) and not able to keep food or drink down then sadly he may not have long. Sending you strength for the days ahead x

It’s a very painful and frequently cruel process, cancer. I’m glad your husband is enough of himself not to be so toxic towards you.

Loving and supporting someone who treats you viciously (even when it’s a consequence of his illness) is bloody hard going. Hang in there.

It sounds very heartbreaking OP. Can you contact his medical team explain the issues and ask for hospice care as you can't cope with this treatment any longer?

Your DC sitting GCSE exams will most likely qualify for special consideration. That basically means if he's close to a grade boundary they move him up to higher grade. You'll need a letter from his medical team and need to submit it to DC's exam secretary at the school.