Dead but not dead

[BornSandyDevotional]

My husband is dying and he's being fucking awful to me.

He has stage 4 bowel cancer with multiple liver lesions.

He's in complete denial.

And is just really, really nasty to me.

He can barely walk

Today he announced that his death in service payment and pension are going to his ex wife.

Am I unreasonable to just ask him to leave?

He's going to need hospice care quite soon

I just don't enjoy being verbally abused all day every day.

Sorry to hear this, sounds like he may have also spread to his brain if he is experiencing mood changes?

I am so sorry you are going through this. As far as the death in service payments go, for my scheme they are expressions of wishes, not necessarily enforceable. The trustees of the fund can look at all the claims on it and if you and your youngest are financially dependent on him then that will be taken into account alongside his expression of wishes. I think that with my scheme children up to 23 in full time education receive support. It sounds like he needs a new medical evaluation and you need more support.

His bloods could be off , he could have brain mets ?
Get a Dr to see him , then decide.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My uncle had a brain tumour and towards the end he was so horrible to his poor wife. But it wasn’t him, it was the disease making him act this way. I know it doesn’t help at the moment but try to see it that way. I’d get moving on the hospice sooner rather than later. You must take care of you too.

I’m so sorry. His Decline has been rapid which makes it bewildering. My DF had exactly the same. Stage 4 at diagnosis, Liver mets. He was very abusive to my DM.
It was a relief for her when he Died 9 weeks later, but obviously she was devastated too.

Get in contact with the hospice now to see if he can go there now. Sounds awful I know, but it can be hard to get a space.
Look after yourself and your DC too
Sending warmest wishes your way

I know well that sense of relief, and it is only now, 5 years later, that I have begun to remember the man I married.
To the OP. Do not take this personally ... the chances are it is his illness speaking. I agree with others that he needs proper medical assessment and a look at his meds. If he will not agree to this there is nothing to stop you getting the medics know what us happening. I did this and help came our way.

I definitely think you need to get medical advice. It sounds as though the disease may be causing the personality changes. I would especially mention the yellow at that's a sign of jaundice and liver problems, but also I would be explicitly concerned about brain mets. I'm so sorry.

Some days, it feels like you're holding your hand in a flame and keeping it there, even though it hurts. An endurance.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. You do your best, instead.

The cancer may be in his brain. A friend died on Friday and he became like this, much to the distress of his family.

You have to look after yourself to get through this. Even if it’s not him but the disease “talking”, it’s still incredibly wearing to have to absorb someone’s aggression. Also difficult for a GCSE candidate to be living in this atmosphere.

I don’t know how hospice admissions work, but speak to them. About the jaundice, the verbal abuse, the character change, your teen doing GCSE exams, how little time or support your DH has had to process his prognosis, and about your very urgent need for respite.

You all need breathing space. He needs medical attention. You’d be crazy to do anything else.

Also contact Macmillan nurses.

He’s in denial and lashing out. He feels out of control and terrified. Perhaps act more from self-preservation for yourself. Accept he’s in denial and stop advising him to see doctor etc, let him sit in the driving seat even if he is making bad decisions. Take breaks yourself, go to work, see a friend, distract yourself. Go along with things to avoid confrontation. Pacify him. It will be over soon.

It certainly sounds lik the disease and maybe the meds he's on are contributing to this very distressing mood change. Despite his denial, he must know on some level that the end is near. His own deep seated issues may also come to the surface now too, he's possibly projecting his own regrets, shortcoming and fears on to you.

Please reach out for help and remind him (and you) that you have had a successful marriage, raised 2 wonderful children and look back on all the good memories to sustain you now. You are now honouring the final part of your vows where you support him in sickness/ until death as difficult as that is.

Lovely post by PP above

Agree this is a great post.

Do you have any children together OP as it’s not clear from your post, you mention your children and his? May that be why he wants to leave his money to his ex expecting she will protect it for their joint children? Not sure he can even do that anyway as surely it’s a marital asset and he’s talking nonsense?

How long have you been together?

I understand this must an extremely difficult situation for you but I don’t see much empathy towards a dying man, assumedly relatively young, dying horribly after struggling with a awful disease for a long part of his life already if he was diagnosed with Type 1 as a child/teen. He must be so angry and yes, it must be hard waiting for your forthcoming death while struggling with illness and a disease like Type 1, in which he’s spent most of his life trying to keep himself alive! I can’t imagine what he’s going through tbh.

Of course that doesn’t mean you have to put up with verbal abuse so agree that you should do all you can to get him in a hospice asap.

Or if that is a non starter, can you get carers/relatives in and stay elsewhere with your DS starting his GCSEs, so at least you all have some space, as I’m sure it must be extremely upsetting for your DS too. It may be easier to cope with popping in to see him rather than living with him and at least that means his wishes are respected and he stays in his own home.

It won’t be for very long.

I’m so sorry, OP. Are you sure this isn’t a case of encephalopathy where the liver lesions can cause behaviorial changes? Might be worth asking his doctor. Good luck

Thank you so much for the kind messages.

We were told on Tuesday that the cancer wasn't operable and that they would try three months of chemo.

Today, however, he was sent to A&E (on the advice of the super Macmillan nurse we met at yesterday's consultant meeting.

He was doubled up with pain.

Emergency CT scan has shown a bowel obstruction.

Originally, 6pm, they were going to operate to facilitate a stoma.

Upon tests, the risk of mortality was originally deemed 19%.

The anaesthetist then said he might not survive a GA.

They're trying a stent tomorrow but I've been told this also carries risk.

His initial CT scan was only approximately four weeks ago

The consultant advised that the deterioration in that short time has been markedly rapid.

He's never been a big man. But to see him today in the observation ward with loose skin around where his biceps were pained my heart!

The decline has been so rapid, I do get the unpleasantness.

Hurts so much though.

He is now under appropriate and urgent treatment.

It might sound hugely cold. But I'm trying to focus on my son's GCSEs and on creating a calm home for him through that.

If this is very out of character I would have a word with his oncology team. It is v possible that he has secondary cancers in his brain and this can make patients behave in very unlikely ways. A scan will clarify this.
Either way I’m so sad you are going through this- must be very hurtful. 🌺

You don’t sound cold at all.

Good that he was admitted. If nothing else they’ll get his pain under control.

You need to do whatever you need to do to get through this and support your son. It sounds very difficult to deal with.

Do make sure that you are discussing this with the school and that you have plans in place with them to support your son.

Just seen your sad update and sending you much strength for the next few days. It's a very tough and scary place for everyone in your family.

It's not cold at all, I found myself focusing on all manner of things when we were at the stage you are at now. Are you getting some support for you? Is the hospice involved?

My hope for you all is that this heralds a speedy end to his suffering. Sending a handhold.

I don’t want o be harsh here and It’s horrible what you’re having to go through, but you say the illness and the change in behaviour are recent. That means he’s only been like this a short period of time and you’re considering leaving him?

the poor man is seriously ill and dying. That is likely impacting his behaviour. I think you should very carefully think about this before you take any action as it does seem pretty knee jerk

Agree discussion with Mac nurse re possible hospice placement might be good for you and husband. Thinking of you both sending love and support.