Dead but not dead

[BornSandyDevotional]

My husband is dying and he's being fucking awful to me.

He has stage 4 bowel cancer with multiple liver lesions.

He's in complete denial.

And is just really, really nasty to me.

He can barely walk

Today he announced that his death in service payment and pension are going to his ex wife.

Am I unreasonable to just ask him to leave?

He's going to need hospice care quite soon

I just don't enjoy being verbally abused all day every day.

My SIL had MND and at the end of her life she was similarly vile to my brother. He was told that this was because she couldn’t process oxygen and carbon dioxide properly and had a build up of CO2 which was causing a change in her behaviour

Is there a possibility the cancer is now in his brain? A colleague's mum had end of life personality changes too, I'm sorry. Talk to the hospice and say you're not coping with the behavioural issues and abuse.

My fil had liver cancer, it sounds like this is a progression of the disease. Their liver stops filtering the toxins in their body and it can cause them to act very aggressive. He needs his meds reviewed. Does he have the district or macmillan nurses involved?

They have two adult children who are lovely.

I asked him directly why he couldn't make the eldest (22) the benifficery.

It's so strange.

He cared for me so much at points. I love him.

It is like a strange really unpleasant person has come to love here.

I want to leave the person he's become.

I was going to say the cancer can travel to the brain, as it’s an abrupt change it’s likely the cancer making him like this. Has he actually altered paperwork or just said it?
Ring the G.P, get Macmillan out.

It’s awful when this happens, it really robs you of the person, I’m sorry x

Not yet. It's all been very sudden.

In January he had acute upper quadrant pain and really extreme weight loss and exhaustion.

He's type 1 diabetic and his monitor was changed.

He was just unwell, mostly exhaustion, and this investigation reveled the metastatic liver lesions.

The primary colon tumor was found a couple of weeks ago via colonoscopy.

I'm just so bloody hurt by the horrid things he's started saying.

Thank you x

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I think that changes in the body's ability to process things can cause everything to go out of balance and it's not unreasonable to imagine that the brain won't function normally if there's too much of one thing or too little of something else. It could be part of disease progression. You say his colour has changed suddenly, sounds like he needs to see a doctor, do you have district nurses coming out? Also very strongly suggest getting in touch with hospice care, they are very holistic and support the family along with the patient, they are wonderful.
This sounds very difficult for you, heart breaking and without knowing everything it's hard to say, but there is just a possibility that the personality change is due to chemical and biological changes which he is not in control of as things progress. You have to look after yourself of course but don't rush into any decisions, take breathers when you can and i would say try to get in touch with hospice.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this , my lovely dad who truly loved my mom was so impatient and at times totally vile to her in the weeks leading up to his death.
He didn't have cancer but was housebound and lost all independence , my mom looked after him so well ,though she just walked around permanently on the brink of tears due to his behaviour , a few times i exploded at him and made it very clear how buggered he would be without her.
Its not acceptable i know ,a similar experience to yours possibly.
I hope things improve for you ,it is very selfish behaviour in my opinion and sadly causes absolute turmoil and conflict with the emotions you are currently feeling.

So a few possibilities come to mind. Could there be brain mets, could this be encephalopthy related to further fall in liver function, could steroids like dexamethasone or prednisolone be affecting his mental state, could he just be overwhelmed by it all and lashing out at those closest to him where he feels safest?

Please do get some advice maybe from Macmillan or the hospice staff. Please try and look after yourself and of course the kids too.

Oh what an awful time for both of you. I am sorry he is like this, but perhaps he is in the grip of other side effects, or progression of the disease. Either way it's YOU who needs support now. Someone here might know if there are charities or other supports for family/carers in these situations. You are human, you cannot understand what is going on with him, you are grieving in advance etc. and you could do with someone (not emotionally involved) to talk to and let it all out to.

I think there may be a lot of anger on his part at his terminal situation, which I'm sure any of us would feel, but not act out as he is, which suggests other things are happening in his body and brain. But maybe not, he could just be devastated and is attacking the nearest to him. Often happens I suppose.

Please speak to your/his GP and be referred for help/counselling from anywhere that will offer it and fit you in. Your husband should be monitored aswell by the home care team if he is that ill. I am sorry you both are going through this.

My OH was prescribed anti-psychotics during his last months because he became impossibly paranoid. I wrote to his consultant and told her some of what I was going through and she got straight back to me and was very supportive and helpful. His behaviors became very disinhibited and he lost many of the social niceties that keep the world ticking along - including sexually. It was very difficult indeed.

Please contact your local hospice - they really do care for relatives.

With regard to financial issues, it may be the case that death in service benefits were considered in the divorce settlement and were always going to go to his ex. He may not have told you because he didn’t expect to die in service. His children could not be named due to strict rules of eligibility.

You said he announced benefits were going to the ex, not that he had changed nominee.

If this is due to financial settlement on divorce he is not being cruel or mean to you. He should have been honest earlier but maybe he thought it would never have been an issue and now his honesty of the true situation feels like a betrayal.

You mention he's jaundiced so his bile duct is blocking with liver metastases and the bile isn't draining. XFiL had this with his pancreatic cancer. His liver will not be processing as it should - toxins and bile build up (jaundice) and may affect his brain function also. Your DH needs to contact the consultant about his jaundice as they may be able to put i a stent put in to help drain if he's well enough.

What options do you have to leave?

Reading your further update it all sounds like a huge shock for you all and very fast paced.

Speak to his care team and get support for yourself too.

Name changed for this... when my wife was dying of lung and liver cancer, she became very abusive to me. She didn't want to go to the hospice, but wanted to die at home. We (the children and I) facilitated this, converting a downstairs room to a hospital room, with a hospital bed, a lift-chair, a TV, and all the accoutrements of terminal illness.

Most of the time, I could do nothing right. It was very distressing. She was okay with the children, mostly, and also with the carers and visiting nurses. I asked a counsellor about her abuse of me, and got an answer that I didn't want to hear: the illness was making her losing her inhibitions, and she was displaying her true feelings. !!! I definitely didn't want to hear that. A nurse said that "it is the cancer talking". The truth, I perhaps, is somewhere in between.

The only good that came from that terrible time was my own personal resolution that, when my time comes, I will not burden the children with my care during my terminal illness, but will move to a hospice as soon as it becomes available. The children can come and visit me when I am cleaned up and medicated and presentable.

OP, I feel for you. Hold onto the idea that it is "the cancer talking".

DH had liver mets with his cancer, jaundice, confusion and aggression can be a sign that your DH needs an urgent review by his team. Do you have a hotline you can call for advice? There is a really supportive thread here called Still the Storm, it's for people who have partners with terminal cancer. I will find the link

I'm sorry op. This is such a hard time for all of you. And your poor child doing gcses while their dad is dying.

Maybe something has affected your Hs brain to be saying those thing? Either way it doesn't make it any easier for you.

Could you find out about some hospice care?

It seems like it's affected his brain (if this is a change on who he usually is). I'm assuming his pension was part of his divorce settlement so she would get that anyway?
Having said all that it seems he needs hospice care sooner rather than later. You need it too. Explain to the oncologist that you can't cope with this change in personality and it must have spread to his brain (likely)
You need to push for him to go in now.

Do you have any district nurse or community palliative care team input? Are Marie curie rapid response involved yet?
You as his wife can call and explain the symptoms. They are there to support patient and his family.

This sounds like some kind of progression of his disease (liver function or brain mets)?
Must be utterly bloody awful for you op and I know I’d be devastated in your situation if my DH said that. Agree you need to call in additional medical support if you can. For what it’s worth, I’m sending a you a hand hold xxxx

If this behaviour is completely out of character then I think his illness has affected his brain, OP. I would speak to his doctors about the changes to his mental health pretty quickly. In terms of him changing his will, he has to have testamentary capacity. If his personality has changed so much, I think you have a case for arguing he doesn't currently have that.

Is he saying he's already made those changes? Would he have been able to do that without your knowledge? Can you look on his laptop to see which sites he's been on? (I know I'll get slaughtered for this but I'm being practical.)

@BornSandyDevotional https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3?page=8&reply=142583101

This is awful OP, and so hard to deal with. Agree with the fact this is caused by toxins or cancer spread to the brain. I don’t think you can ask him to leave when he is so unwell but you certainly tell him you won’t be spoken to like this.