This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Me too

sending love ❤️‍🩹

it’s very debilitating

Just dropping by this thread to wish everyone on here strength in a season that can be full of extremes of emotion, and can bring out the very best in some, and the very worst in others. I hope 2026 softens the sharp edges a little and is kind to you,

I’ve definitely lost my fuse, won’t be suffering fools and a little apprehensive about losing my rag tomorrow and DBro is an insensitive oaf who comes out with the most insensitive comments.

I'm a lot more, shall we say, "robust" nowadays but back when I lost my DH1 a few years, my goodness did people come out with some corkers, which knocked the stuffing out of me at the time. I wish I could have recorded what they said in the moment to play it back to them, to shame them for what they said, but I'm over it now and their card is marked. It showed them for who they were, and how little regard they had for me, hence why I've dropped contact with most of them. Almost all on DH1's side of the house, predictably! Had it been now, I would call them out. One thing bereavement has done for me, is made me find my voice, when before I would tiptoe round things. I don't go out of my way to be hurtful, but I give as good as I get!

@WearyAuldWumman it sounds like we had similar experiences re: social media. It's something I steered clear of, esp when in my most vulnerable state. People can prey on vulnerability, they see it as a form of entertainment and I almost succumbed to it on several occasions. When you're already in a parallel universe from the shock of losing your life partner, it's not difficult to lose normal rational judgement and disclose things that are then used against you. some MNers can be weirdly unsupportive and harshly judgemental towards widows, which I find quite disturbing. There but for the grace of god go we all...

I hope you had a peaceful Christmas and got the sort of Christmas you had wished for. I came home early due to not feeling very well and have been on the sofa since, binge watched Emily in Paris, the Forcythes, watched a few films, Nativity and Love Actually (twice).

I took a wreath I’d fashioned to DH’s grave on Christmas morning. I can’t believe a year has almost passed. (And still so much stuff isn’t sorted - bureaucracy!)

latest grandchild been here today filling my lounge with super cute giggling, can’t wait to be able to drive and pop over there more.

Thank you @Hisredipad . Christmas was good, with my kids and brothers all round for lunch. But for the first time ever, my sister was too unwell to come out and she died yesterday. As you may remember, she's been in rapid decline and by the end (which was not unexpected) she was bed-ridden, non-verbal, unable to feed herself and not very aware of what was going on. So, although her death is very sad, at the same time I am happy that her struggle is over. She had no quality of life

So now I'm back in familiar territory: organising a funeral and reliving a lifetime of memories. Despite her disability (she had Down Syndrome and spent her adult life in a care home) she was well loved, she lived life to the full, travelled widely, went paragliding, rode a tandem, she was up for anything and everything.

But Christmas has been a bit shit

My condolences, @Emptyandsad .

I'm sorry that you're going through this yet again at this time of year. Planning a funeral never gets any easier and I can see from your posts how much your sister means to you.

Had planned to have a much more positive Christmas, but didn't really pull it off. Scotland is getting ready to go bonkers for Hogmanay/New Year, so I have that to get through and then DH's anniversary which weirdly encompasses two days - the actual day and then the official date because of when the paramedics called it.

Immediately after that, there's Orthodox Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I'll have to contact Dad's side of the family. (They were all very good and sent me messages for our Christmas Day.)

I'm supposed to have an online language lesson on O.C.E., but my teacher - understandably - asked me to reschedule, so that'll be the end of that week.

I'm not really seeing people over the season - I've found that if you don't have immediate family, you're pretty much left to your own devices. As I said upthread, I think I'd have been okay had my relative not put his foot in it.

That kind of awkwardness runs in the Scottish side of the family, mainly on the male side - it was very obvious in some of my great-uncles and uncles. The first formal diagnosis - apart from my OCD - was when my cousin's son was diagnosed with Asperger's (as it was then called).

Like his dad (my maternal uncle) he's very quiet but also very bright. He taught himself to play chess as a child. He's not very sociable outside his immediate family but is a very successful electrical engineer.

It's only now that I'm old that I understand that some of the men on the maternal side got through life by self-medicating with alcohol.

The exception was the great-uncle who bought a field, built a 'hut' (actually a bothy - not sure whether he had permission) and planted a garden round it, and had a small illegal coalmine which he used to supply the fuel for the fireplace in his bothy. (He was a colaminer and knew just where to dig. I gather that the seam was pretty close to the surface. Where he lived, you either hit coal or peat.)

He lived with my grandparents but would repair there whenever the house got too noisy for him. While I was away at uni, he had a Shetland pony which used to go into the bothy with him and curl up in front of the fire.

Anyway, I'm meandering.

I know what you mean about the bureaucracy, @Hisredipad - I hadn't settled DH's estate until about 18 months had passed.

I’m sorry @Emptyandsad, that would really knock me back. She sounds fab though and I’m glad she is free from pain.

@Emptyandsad , please accept my condolences, no time to deal with everything is going to be easy but at Christmas in a way it seems so much more difficult.

I’ve had my results, initial findings are good, will probably have a round of radiotherapy in the new year.

Is there any way you can get help around the house while you're undergoing radiotherapy, @Hisredipad ?

I’m so sorry @Emptyandsad . I wish there was more I could say. You talk about her so lovingly.
@Hisredipad I’m so glad the initial findings are good.
@WearyAuldWumman sending you strength for the days ahead.
I’m dreading going into a new year without my DH. It feels like the world’s fallen off its axis. Our wedding anniversary falls between Christmas and New Year and I’m so desperately sad. I’m actually shocked that I can survive such pain. I wish I could go back to last January and start again.
But I know it’s not exclusive to me. So I’m sending support to you all.

Anniversaries are hard. Thinking of you.

I’m ordering a newer version of my current robot hoover. Going to fill the freezer with lots of ready meals from Cook and am fortunate that I have a great friend who lives a few doors away and DD has said she will come and stay.

my biggest annoyance is currently not being able to drive

Hello and can I join you? I’ve been a lurker here for a while now. DH died Feb 2025 after a long, hard struggle with cancer. I was his carer for about 18 mths. I do have family and they have been great, but I do feel lost at times. I don’t like to think too far ahead…..

I’m just so sick of people telling me how brave I am. I don’t have any other choice….. I’m also sick of people telling me they know how I’m feeling…… I can assure you, you don’t……

Welcome @MissMarplesGoddaughter

I know just what you mean. You don't have a choice other than to keep going; if you did have a choice this isn't where you'd be! And grief is such an individual journey...

I tell myself they mean well

I agree with @Emptyandsad people find it incredibly difficult to say anything that doesn't make an already bad situation 1000 times worse. At times I wanted to scream "oh shut up and go away!!!" when people came out with platitudes, the normal "aren't you over it yet?" type remarks, but that was my rage speaking, and I find it best not to say anything, but to do little acts of kindness which can make things a tiny bit better.

none of us have chosen this shit!

I echo all the sentiments here about Christmas, being brave, etc etc. It is truly awful, all of it, every single day. I had someone go on and on about how lovely DH was, how missed he is and how sad I must be, I wanted to scream but just kept nodding and smiling through gritted teeth. I wish I'd had the strength to say that I know you mean to be kind, but you're really not helping. I couldn't have done that without either losing my temper or bursting into tears or more probably both. We have endured it and there have been moments when we have laughed a little and shared memories but most of this last couple of weeks has just been a slog. My friends have been wonderful and I've been lucky enough not to have had people asking if I had a Happy Christmas but it still so very hard.

We were never that keen on New Year's Eve stuff so I will do what we always have done for the last few years - have a nice supper and go to bed, it's just another day as far as I'm concerned. This coming year looms ahead, the thought that this is just the beginning terrifies me, that it's not going to be over, that this is my life for ever, I can't get my head around it at all. I still keep thinking DH is going to come back, despite flashbacks to when he was in hospital - I don't know if therapy of sorts will help or whether I just have to ride it out.

I know everyone's circumstances are very different @Hisredipad but I coped ok with the radiotherapy and wasn't as tired or incapacitated as I'd thought so I hope you aren't too badly affected.

Hello @MissMarplesGoddaughter you’re very welcome to join us although like everybody else here I wish you didn’t have the need to. I’m just a couple of weeks ahead of you and life is spectacularly difficult so please do feel that you can just come and let off steam here if you wish.

@frostyfingers I know exactly what you mean, especially about those who think they know how you feel. I’ve lost my fuse and patience a little in the last few weeks and basically headed into hermit mode.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be okay, but I do find it’s overshadowing The anniversary ofDH’s passing which I’m slightly concerned it’s not going to do my own mental health any good whatsoever.

Wherever you are, and however you feel I do hope you all manage a good New Year and hope that in time to come your grief will subside and allow you to enjoy life again.

Wishing you all a very peaceful evening tonight xxxx

@MissMarplesGoddaughter

Sending hugs.

You've been going through such a lot, @Hisredipad . I recall having to deal with medical issues when I was at the same stage as you. I don't have the words to express what it was like, but I feel for you.

Hello everyone, I dont know how to link but I watched a fantastic podcast with a woman called Mel Robbins and her guest was David Kessler, hes a grief counsellor, and its fantastic, wherever you are on your bereavement path hes just so compassionate and thoughtful. Its on YouTube.

I’m very open with people about how little interest I have in living & how painful life is now so no one’s called me brave. Dh would've drunk himself to death by now if I’d gone first.

One of my patients survived 44 years after her dh died and she hated it, I was so happy for her when she passed at 104.

Well, my DH used to say that he'd be "not long at the back" of me if I were to go first. However, he later told me that if it were to happen, then he'd "just have to get on with it". I think that he was worried that he'd been giving me the wrong message, because he knew that he was gong to go before me. (He was older than me and he was ill.)

He also told me that he wanted me to "get another man" after he'd gone. I have no interest in doing that although - astonishingly to me - interest has been shown. The only man that I want is my husband.

However, I know that he wanted me to keep going, so that's what I'm trying to do.

Thank you everyone for your kind words . 🙏🏻

I thought I was managing ok, but for the last few days I’ve been thinking, this is it for the rest of my life. Realising I’m on my own now and I have to build a different life to the one we planned together. Any advice would be welcome……

It’s been 3 years for me and I still haven’t found a new way of living.

I try to do the things we used to enjoy together but it’s just not as good and the amount of times I wanted to turn around and say sweetie look at this but he wasn’t there and I was acutely aware other people were in a group.

Welcome to our recent additions - I'm so sorry you're here, but hope this place can provide some solace, or at least a padded room to shout and cry in.

I have definitely found therapy useful to try to think about how to carry on without feeling like I'm leaving him behind or losing him again, but to somehow take him with me. I can't describe it in any practical terms I think, it's more of an attitude shift.

The well-meaning "you're so brave" comments - I just am brutally honest and say it's awful and my heart is broken. It is quite astonishing how much pain we can live through.