This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I am sorry @Hisredipad . That sounds so hard. A holiday in the sun sounds a wonderful idea. For what it’s worth I think concentrating on your needs and yourself only, is the right way to go.
I’m trying to be much kinder to myself as I’ve always been very hard on myself.
Like you @WearyAuldWumman there were people who said they couldn’t come to the funeral and then didn’t even bother to donate to the charity collection. There is one important friend in particular who promised to visit and hasn’t and I’m sad about that. Because that’s her saying goodbye to our friendship.
@frostyfingers that’s so lovely that you found the hotel booking for your birthday but oh so sad too. Whatever you decide, there he is thinking of you.
I’m so sorry, if it helps at all I know exactly what you feel about hating every single thing about my new life.
I’m having to start thinking about returning to work. I know I’m very lucky to have been allowed this long. People are saying that it will be good for me, and maybe it will. But just doing life and looking after my teenager is almost beyond me.

I wish I could send you all a massive hug. It's hard to express how relatable all of this is.

@Hisredipad well done for getting through your birthday, and I'm so sorry about your family member. People are very flawed. Hope you have booked yourself a fabulous holiday xxx

@frostyfingers oh my goodness, that must have been such a shock to find the hotel reservation. My initial feeling is that it would be lovely to go and feel loved.

I felt like the people who say you're being brave are doing it to make themselves feel better, reassuring themselves that you're ok. Sometimes I said I'm not, I'm just keeping going.

@WearyAuldWumman just thank you for being here, reassuring us that we're not crazy xxx

@Sunshineandbluesky wish I could send you some comfort xxx I found being back at work full time was actually ok - it's almost a rest for your mind to just think about work and have a break from the rest of the shit.

My birthday is coming up, and my boyfriend's is the day after. I'm dreading it. I feel like I need to do something to mark the occasions, and I have no idea what. It's the worst thing on the horizon.

@atiaofthejulii Our birthdays are a fortnight apart. Our tradition was to sit up until midnight, say happy birthday and toast one another. I still do that.

@frostyfingers oh wow. I have no idea how I would feel if I found a hotel booking like that! I think I'd probably go - but it would be so sad

My wife's birthday was the same day as my daughter's (and not her daughter, but my first wife's. So that made it (and still makes it) an awkward day

Sorry for not being around, I’ve been lurking on the edges trying to make sense of life.

I did a huge amount last week, finally got to the end of some things that have been causing me paperwork grief. Allusive family member turned up as if nothing had happened and was bright and very ok, so ive taken that as a good sign and was happy to see them. Other family have kicked off about visiting and being put up and non availability of family while they are here (it’s half term and most of ours have booked to go away with the grandchildren, as you do).

i’m close to throwing in the towel and telling a few family members some home truths. My dad is desperately trying to avert me doing this as he thinks it will cause irreparable damage. He’s probably right, but I’m not sure I care at the moment.

There’s been a bit of an issue with the ashes going into the grave which if I was to tell you about you’d all fall around hysterically laughing and think it was a sketch from something like men behaving badly or father Ted or something. Fortunately, my dad and I have laughed quite considerably whilst we were trying to sort a lot of this out and I do think in the future I will tell others and we will laugh together but at the moment it’s almost scarring.

Oh, @Hisredipad, I'm sorry that you're going through all this.

I can relate to a lot of this. You're much more sensible than I am, so you won't make the mistake that I did.

Short version, a month after the funeral meant to vent on my my private FB page. Did so and deleted after 5 minutes - only to realise that I'd accidentally posted on my 'friends' page. Yes, it was seen by one person. The moral is - do not post whilst on Diazepam...

Yes, in my case the home truths caused an irrevocable split. My only real regret is the stupid way in which I did it. I'm embarrassed to write the above - I'm aware that it was an awful thing to do.

Part of the vent was to do with attempted interference over the ashes, so I do have some understanding over how upsetting this is.

I'm glad that you have your dad's support.

Oh @WearyAuldWumman i do feel for you. Dad’s been on the phone today checking up on me. I’ve held my tongue (so far).

Well, there you go, it all kicked off last night, I’ve been yelled at most awfully. Said person really lost their sh*t, so very calmly ive told them that I no longer am able to put up with them and they are no longer welcome in my home and put the phone down.
just found out they then rang my two adult DC’s and got told the same (I hadn’t told DC’s they rung)
so that’s sorted that problem and I didn’t have to raise it and I can tell Dad today I was most civil and didn’t loose my cool.

Horrible for you @Hisredipad, but at least that's done now. Well done for staying calm and dealing with it.

Wow, @Hisredipad , that's crazy! Sounds as if you and your kids have handled that extremely well. That must have been so difficult. But I guess it's been coming for a while so you were kind of prepared

That sounds horrific @Hisredipad , but at least now you know you don't have to bother with them anymore. People can be very strange.....

I'm feeling emotional today. I've just had a meeting with my sister's Care Home and the county council that (part) funds her care. As her condition deteriorates, they are considering moving her from the home where she's been living very happily for 25 years into a nursing home: a possibility that I had never contemplated. So, although they have concluded that she's OK where she is for the moment, I found the meeting really upsetting. Her decline has been so rapid and I miss having my DW to talk to about it all.

I got home and read this article in the Guardian which has brought me to tears. The article is poignant and the comments just bring home how many people there are out here, with holes in their lives that won't ever be filled

Aye, @Emptyandsad. I've gone through quite a few feelings of "If only..." the past while - mainly relating to my parents and my husband.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister. Are the powers that be taking any consideration of the importance of familiarity?

Ah @WearyAuldWumman , they're not bad people. They acknowledge how awful it would be for her, and for us (because I'm just half an hour away on a bicycle). But they say, quite rightly, I guess, that if her needs become such that her care home doesn't have the skills/equipment/knowledge to meet them, then she'll have to go somewhere appropriate. In the same way that when we get too infirm to live by ourselves, we will have to leave our homes and go somewhere else. But, oh, how we all dread that moment.

I thought I was really at peace with her situation and was coping well.

It appears, not so much....

And you know how everything is connected. My reaction to her situation merges with my grief for my wife and for my mother and for the ending of my first marriage and so on...I'd kill for a hug

Damn, @Emptyandsad . I know how you feel. FWIW, sending a virtual hug your way.

Virtual hugs @Emptyandsad, I feel so very much for you when there’s probably little you can do, and yes it all makes sense from a care point of view but it doesn’t really take on board how your DSis will cope mentally with a move.

Hello all, it's been a while since I posted so I hope you don't mind me rejoining you all.

DH has been away for 3 months now.

I think at the beginning I was forcing myself to prove I was 'ok' and that I could cope on my own. I've been to London, to a concert on my own (something I have never done / would never do if DH was here), to the theatre on a Saturday night on my own. I've returned to work full time, maintained a relationship with the inlaws (although the relationship with BIL is stressing me out and not because we're not getting on but that's a whole other story), went on a bucket list holiday as we had booked this before DH became ill and a whole host of other things.

Now...I feel like I am swinging from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I'm forcing myself out, going for walks, meeting people, planning for the future and other times I want to lock myself away and scream and cry. Ultimately I do not want to do life without him. This life is not what I want. I had a lovely little life with the perfect man. Before I met him I was a mess and he saved me and now I feel like I'm back there again. I just want to be with him.

There is so much to say but my head is a mess. Everything feels so jumbled and I can't think straight. I know that's normal but I need things in my life to be in order and, during normal times, I spiral out of control when I don't have a plan or goals to work towards. I know I'm losing a grip on how well I've been doing and I fear I might lose my mind completely. I just don't know what to do for the best anymore.

Yes, @ByHisSideAlways , in my experience that is a normal way to feel.

At your stage, I was still screaming at four walls when I was on my own. Even now, if I don't have a specific plan or goal, I find myself just wanting to hide from the world.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm still not getting everything done that I need to about the house. I have an online language class scheduled today, so I'm up trying to clear my head for that - followed by a stretch class at the gym.

Since I'm no longer working, my gym sessions are the only real structure in my life. I know that I need to go back to drawing up lists and schedules for myself.

Some days I'm angry at DH for 'abandoning' me, which is ridiculous given the circumstances.

My chuntering on isn't helping you, I know...but just to reiterate that your feelings are normal. Sending hugs.

@WearyAuldWumman no thank you so much it is helpful to hear from other people in the same situation.

I'm just all over the place which I hate. I feel like I'm not in control at all. I am, however, able to put a brave face on when I'm with others and just cry on my own which is fine. Yesterday my manager asked how I was. I responded honestly and said terrible and she said "Really?" Umm yes. I wouldn't have gone out my way to tell her I was feeling terrible but she did ask and I always try to be honest. Sometimes I feel like my grief is too much for others, that they don't know what to say or how to handle me. I don't know how to handle me either so I'm not suggesting they should. I wonder if I should keep these things to myself though as I'm not getting much support and I'm left feeling open and vulnerable.

I'm glad you've got things to fill your time. PIL are retired and don't really have much going on and I think they are really suffering for it. I don't want to be at work and often think I could really be doing with having more time off but I know I would completely fall apart without any kind of structure.

You did the right thing by saying 'Terrible'. In the early days for me it was still lockdown, so I only got communication via telephone: I'd wonder what kind of response people expected me when they asked how I was, and would just say "I'm okay..."

It gives a false impression, and your response was the right one.

I hear you @ByHisSideAlways , it's 10 weeks today since I last spoke to DH, & will be 10 weeks on Sunday since he died and I can't believe it's gone so quickly. I feel like I'm living a double life, slapping on the brave face and going out alot, saying I'm ok to everyone, when I'm not. I'd say I'm bordering on the slightly manic at the moment - busy doing so I don't have to think - but I'm not sure it's the answer.

I had surgery 12 months ago for breast cancer, followed by chemo and radio, which finished at the beginning of July and I just haven't had time to process what happened to me. At a review today they've raised concerns about the scarring and lymphodoema which means more treatment, nothing major but I just don't feel I able to deal with it on top of everything else.

The relentlessness of taking and making all the decisions, and the admin is really getting to me at the moment and I feel like a hamster on a wheel sometimes, but then when I stop it's worse.

I am so overwhelmed at the moment and I just want it all to go away.

everything You say @frostyfingers & @ByHisSideAlways resonates with me too. The early weeks and months were extremely difficult and I honestly have no answers but can say that it’s true time is a healer (of sorts) as I found periods of OK time appeared, sometimes minutes and then hours, the odd day, the odd week even. Difficult times were often triggered by senseless moments, yesterday it was noticing a new book by the author DH liked on the shelf in the supermarket.

As I head towards the year mark in a couple of months time my life has settled and I think would be far better if I hadn’t had to deal with some others grief. Im not saying their grief isn’t valid but I don’t get the need to be in my face about it when we saw them maybe once a year if that.

never has the saying Life is a Rollercoaster been truer, I want to give you both a big virtual hug and say it will get better.

jobs and admin exercises post DH’s passing have slowed and most are finally finished and that has make a huge difference to the point where I just want the year mark to be done and dusted so I feel I can move on. Life is so precious and I know DH wouldn’t want me to waste it being miserable and in honour of his passing im going to go do some of the things we’d planned together.

And I also think that if I could give the younger me some advice it would be that I would have tried counselling a long time ago.

hindsight is a wonderful thing, I’m pretty sure it would have helped, and if it hadn’t I could least know I tried it. Xxxxxx

@frostyfingers it’s so hard, I really feel for you. Dealing with your own health issues must be so difficult. Sending support from me.
@ByHisSideAlwaysI think your response was the right one and I actually think you should congratulate yourself for telling the truth. I do think “how are you?” is a stupid question to be honest because our whole worlds have been turned upside down and shattered into pieces.
I really feel for you both and completely get what you say.
I haven’t been on here for a while. I too have been keeping very busy so I keep the pain distracted. But it’s there physically even when my brain is distracted.
I’m having counselling and I do think it helps. Even if it’s just the indulgence of talking my feelings through for an hour. Although I’m not sure it’s an indulgence as I find it incredibly painful and get very upset. But I do think it’s good for me. I don’t think it’s ever too late either @Hisredipad.
The thought that I’ll never see or speak to my DH again is just too huge for me to bear. The desperate loneliness and crushing anxiety. I just want life to go back to normal.

I found being able to spill those thoughts out to the counsellor was useful. Upsetting at the time but ultimately useful. Being able to say things to someone who's just not going to get upset by any of it is a powerful thing.

And yes I absolutely think it's important to be honest when people ask how we are. Yes it's hard to admit vulnerability, and also we worry about upsetting them. But ultimately I don't think it does either of us any favours to sugarcoat it. (For people who actually care about you, not just random acquaintances!)

When I was 2 or 3 months post loss, I couldn't understand how people could tell me that time would help. I couldn't see how things could ever get better. I do still get very overwhelmed by any minor obstacle. But I am finding longer plateaus between the dips, and I can look further ahead. It does come. It's still shit, but it changes.