This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I finally read Richard Coles' book. It wasn't what I expected - very little of it resonated with me: totally different circumstances and a very different background, I guess.

I thought that it was trying to be too hard to be 'literary'. The cousin who sent it to me is also a widow, but a Coles fan.

Minor/daft note: he refers to himself throughout as a 'widow', rather than 'widower'. I wasn't aware that the latter term was no longer in use.

Anyway, I've read it and can now put it in the bag for the charity shop. I've been avoiding it for more than four years.

It was my DH's funeral this Monday, almost 4 weeks after his death and it was both awful and beautiful. The process of arranging the funeral was so stressful with unhelpful (although well meaning) family interventions and phone calls, but I finally got what I wanted for him. There were so many people there, turning up and seeing them all completely terrified me but I was so proud that they were there for him.

We had a private service the following day which was peaceful and quiet but now the reality that he is really gone is hitting so hard - I'm trying to keep busy doing the admin but ringing companies up, changing billing details etc is a devastating process. I've done the Tell Us Once but there are so many more threads to untangle.

Every day I keep having flashbacks of the last time I saw him, moments of the service and the music is going round in my head the whole time. I don't want to let go but I do somehow as it's torture. I can't change the sheets on the bed because he slept in them, I can't put the clothes he wore to the hospital away, I can't finish the toothpaste that he had and so on.

People are asking me to go out, go away with them and stuff which is lovely but I don't want to go away because I don't want to come back and he's won't be there. I went out for supper with some girlfriends and the evening was fine but coming home was horrible, I want to tell him stuff and I can't.

Our boys (adults) are being so strong but I don't want them to feel responsible for me while they are grieving too. I look at older people, around town, shopping etc and feel such resentment, almost hatred, that it's frightening.

I guess this is all normal but it really is awful, I can't see a way out of the relentlessness of it.

It is both normal and awful @frostyfingers . I recall that Tell Us Once wasn't as straightforward as people might think and I still had to inform many companies.

It was a 4 week gap for me too, before the funeral.

I still have things that I haven't been able to dispose of. It's been more than 4 yrs for me. I need to replace the actual duvet, but still haven't. I did wash the duvet cover and it needs to be replaced, but I have it stored.

I still have his hearing aid sitting on the bedside table. I'm supposed to be donating that to a charity that refurbishes them for Bolivia, but it's still sitting there.

The resentment of older people is very normal, I believe. I have an older friend who told me that she resents seeing older couples going around hand in hand. It's one of these things - you know that you shouldn't begrudge them, but it's a reminder of what you've lost.

@frostyfingers it’s so hard isn’t it? I’m sending a big hug.
I still haven’t washed the sheets 3 months later! And have his clothes he was wearing in bed with me. Exactly the same as you with the toothpaste too.
I also feel very resentful of older couples and mentally work out how many more years they’ve had than my DH.
My parents tell me of people they know who have died in their 80s and 90s and I just shrug. They must be horrified by me.
And yes, everything I read tells me this is normal but it’s absolute hell.

Ah yes. I still struggle with seeing people walking hand in hand. I don't resent them but it really brings back to me the enormity of my loss

My copy rolling around on the floor in the back of the car, it’s heading for the charity shop too, I found it a non event of usefulness.

@frostyfingers everything you say resonates with me too, it’s taken 8 months for me to remove DH’s pillow from my bed, I have in just the past few days feel I need to sort his things, but whereas I looked and closed the door/drawer I do have a need to actually do this now. My brain fog is disappearing and the black moods are lifting. I think partly to do with the fact that some huge difficulties with our business are finally being sorted and it’s like coming up for fresh air.

my view on it now is bereavement is a process that has no particular path you follow, we are all affected by it differently and we have to navigate our own journey onwards. Ive almost decided not to do grief counselling as the process through it doesn’t make sense to me and ive decided I don’t want to cry anymore, I’ve cried more than I thought anyone could and I have a need to move on for my sanity.

So tomorrow I’m off to a seaside town in my friends campervan, been out again for a little drive and a bit of reversing this afternoon plus a lesson on filling up the water and emptying the grey waste. The fridge is packed with scrumptious goodies and a rather nice bottle of Prosecco and although probably not as interesting in venue as @Emptyandsad i cant wait to be sited and wandering with the dog along the promenade tomorrow, hoping for a seaside stall with welks etc and maybe a dressed crab for my tea.

I sounds lovely, @OP . I hope you and the dog enjoy yourselves.

Im back, feeling very restored and likely to be heading for a campervan sales supplier some time very soon. The whole weekend was very peaceful and so different it took me away from anything im used to and allowed me to be me in a new place.

the dog was a bit bemused, im not sure he understood where we were but a stroll to the pet shop for a biscuit both mornings helped a lot and I got some shellfish for my tea.

The only spoiler was my brother ringing this evening to say his wife’s father has died and giving me the details of the funeral - have decided I’m not ready for another crematorium even if it’s a different one plus I only met him twice. Feeling it very likely to be triggering which won’t be a good thing when ive just started feeling slightly better.

I'd agree about the funeral.

I saw two about a fortnight after DH's. One wasn't too bad - it was a burial rather than a cremation and I had to stand outside the church because it was still lockdown.

The other was the webcast crematorium funeral of my stepson's BIL. I'd never met the deceased and was surprised that his sister expected me to watch.
It's difficult to explain now, but I felt obligated to do so and really wished that I hadn't.

It was definitely triggering. To my dismay, there was a description of a medical event experienced by the deceased. It wasn't what took him and it was included to thank the people who'd saved him a year or so prior to his death...but it was too close to the way that my husband actually died and reminded me of my inability to save him.

I look back now and I'm astonished by the assumption that I could watch it. When I attended the other funeral - that of my dad's best friend - a family member who was also a funeral director and had to stand outside commented on how difficult it must be for me.

The overall experience of watching the crematorium webcast was deeply upsetting and I wish that I'd had the gumption to say no.

@WearyAuldWumman thank you for sharing that it makes me feel better about my decision

I’m sorry you had to go through that

@Hisredipad

Thank you. I was worried in case what I wrote was maybe too upsetting for you.

I've just remembered that I had another one a few months after we were out of lockdown and I'm angry at myself...An elderly acquaintance needed a lift to a funeral at the same crematorium as my husband's funeral.

I made it clear that I was only driving her there and back. We got out at the overflow car par - I was driving the old van and didn't feel I could park it in front of the building and I agreed to walk her to the door.

When we arrived, she greeted her cousins and introduced me...Then smiled broadly at them and said that it would be okay if I went in with her, wouldn't it?

One relative looked dubious. I tried to protest, but the rest said it was fine, the old biddy gripped me firmly by the arm as if she needed my help to walk and I couldn't cause a scene, could I?

There was hardly anyone there, so I wasn't stealing a seat from anyone.

I made it through by looking at the ceiling, I think.

Good grief. I'd quite forgotten about that.

Don't be angry at yourself. You're navigating stormy waters at a time when your boat is dismasted and rudderless.

People don't understand what you're going through and, as always, they're bound up in their own world. It takes quite some strength to resist their attempts to make you do things that suit them. Sometimes their intentions are good but they're just shockingly insensitive. But in the end you need to put yourself first, because there are few other people who will do that for you. Do the best for yourself and abandon any need you may have to be nice for people. It sounds harsh, but you can do it honestly and with kindness. But you need to be firm

I replied swiftly this morning that I wasn’t ready for someone’s else’s funeral and offered to go look after their animals if they need someone.

I’ve had a good day, a few things have came together today and the fogs lifted a fair bit more today. Im feeling ready to sort a few things I’ve been putting off.

Hope everyone is Feeling well and enjoying the sunshine today. I lit the fire last night as it was quite chilly in the lounge and the dog decided he wasn’t coming upstairs when I went to bed.

Feeling a lot in limbo at the moment, can’t really put my finger on it, I think I’ve dropped into one of those tired holes that sometimes appears without any reason. Last weekend was such fun that this weekend seems a bit drab in comparison.

I’m getting ready for the family coming in the next six weeks. I thought if I started it now, I can do one job a day and by the time they get here, it’ll all be done and ready for them. I’ve got so much junk to get rid of and I’m definitely not putting it back in the cupboards. On Monday there’s a whole load of stuff I’m going to take to the unit where we have our office which for some reason DH insisted on being here but it’s all work related and there’s no need for it to be here.

i’m not loving the house at the moment. I’m in one of those you’ve got to make a huge mess before you can tidy up moments but at least I know that when I move it all next it will be out the door and there’ll be some space in the garage, the shed and the house in general.

Did anyone ever feel they ended up living in two worlds?

There’s the world where I’ve moved on a fair bit I think I have times of happiness and even great joy within that world, generally it’s when I’m out, and with friends that weren’t really connected to DH, we laugh a lot and I am getting my Mojo back with my hobby.

But then I have another world where it’s all quite bleak, lots of tears, et cetera, it catches me by unaware but I’m generally at home alone when it strikes, I have got many many photographs I put up after DH passed away and I wonder if maybe I should reduce them down a bit, are these triggers?

I actually booked a doctor‘s appointment yesterday for next week to have a blood test because I’m actually wondering if my B12 levels are possibly at rock bottom as I’ve had a problem with this in the past, I’m very much tired of crying, I’m very much tired of feeling at rock bottom, I have this sickness in the pit of my stomach thing that goes on for a bit which I took for hunger but I don’t think it is.

The idea of living in two worlds resonates. I might find myself looking forward to a social interaction and then my mood plummets once that's over.

I still have a lot of photos around.

Confession: I still have on the mantelpiece an Order of Service for DH's funeral plus the Order of Service for his regimental drumhead service (where those who died during lockdown were remembered.

I should probably put away the latter and just have the photo on the front of the former framed.

I daresay that they wouldn't be there if it were not for the fact that I'm living on my own.

ETA I had my bloods checked at the pharmacy after the surgery told me that mine were normal. My B12 was right in the middle of normal, but my ferritin and whatever the other one for iron is were right at the bottom edge of normal. Magnesium and Calcium were at the bottom of normal and my Vitamin D was below the line.

I'm on my way back now from my 'big trip'. I'll be home on Tuesday evening. Partly I can't wait to be home and partly I'm scared of it, because then I have to face the reality of life again

Yes, that feels familiar - the balance between the two has shifted, hasn’t it? At first it was all grief and that was very visible outwardly, but now most people see the “getting on with things” side of me, and I do my grieving a lot more privately.

I went away for a few days with my youngest daughter last week - we had a lovely time but I had such a visceral ache of missing J, of knowing what a fun time we would have had there together, I felt I could literally see him there next to me instead of her. That was hard to deal with, I didn’t expect to miss him more when away than at home, but I suppose I’ve got more used to him not being here. I also realised how much I am still crying because I felt I couldn’t cry in front of her.

I’ve got stuff to sort out this week and it’s all feeling very looming and complicated. Maybe if I write a to do list today it will feel less daunting.

@Emptyandsad

I totally understand that. Each time, I've had the idea of the trip to look forward to but then the sinking feeling of getting back to reality.

I just wanted to pop on and say hello and I’m reading your posts but I’m just not able to retain the information and comment at the moment.
I’m plodding on but have no idea how.

Thinking of you @Sunshineandbluesky . Plodding on is very much the way of it - somehow you keep going.

I know that feeling. For me it has lessened, but nevertheless life is not as I thought it would be, sometimes it’s better than it was but other times it’s difficult or different. Awkward to navigate, sending you big hugs. Xxxxx

Another first. A major first. My birthday. Now a week ago. I was ok at the time but 8 days later I’m not. I presume my relationship with the family member who chose to pretty much ignore it means it’s over.
it saddens me more than losing DH at the moment. Those that are departed are gone. Unretrievable. The term final nail in the coffin seems laughably hurtful.

a new chapter starts today I’ve decided. Spent the whole weekend in a depressed state. I can’t live like that.

so I’m gonna pick myself up, dust myself down, put on my old clothes and head to the workshop and crack on with clearing up a lot of the stuff that the staff can’t seem to make some decisions on.

Entering a new time of my life, I’ve decided this morning that enough is enough. I’m going to give up looking after everyone else just concentrate on myself for a while.

There’s a travel agent next to the office yard and this afternoon during my 3 pm tea break. I’m going in there and I’m going to book myself for a holiday.

I feel I need some sunshine on my bones

Oh god @Hisredipad that's hard, and good for you for going to book a holiday. I have a big birthday in a couple of months and checking DH's emails for any missed correspondence I have found a hotel booking confirmation for it. I don't know what he had planned, and really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to cancel because the thought of being somewhere he'd planned but can't be is agony, and another part of me wants to go because he'd organised it.

I do feel like I'm living a double life - the public one putting a brave face on everything and pretending I'm ok, and the private one where I'm a howling mess most nights. What do you say to people who tell you you're being brave - any response seems so trite?

The evenings are horrific, the awful what I call "single person's suppers" and the total quiet apart from the radio or tv. Having always eaten quite healthily, especially over the last 12 months during my cancer treatment, I'm struggling to make sure I eat enough of the right stuff, there is absolutely no motivation to cook a proper meal.

Someone has said that the way they coped was to "say no to nothing" but although I'm doing that, I'm also getting to the point where I'm exhausted and ought to slow down, but then that means sitting at home on my own and I can't face that either.

God I hate this, hate being a widow, hate being capable, hate having to be organised, and hate hate hate being so alone.

@Hisredipad The holiday is a good idea - I totally get the need for sunshine on the bones: I did that last year and booked a trip to Montenegro. (The pics are coming up in my FB feed now.)

I'm sorry that you were let down. I had that with some.

The double life makes a lot of sense @frostyfingers. I look back now and wonder at the people who phoned and asked 'How are you?' when I was organising the funeral that they couldn't [?] attend. I recall squeaking out 'I'm okay.' Now I think maybe I should just have screamed.

I tried saying nothing for a bit and eventually cracked. I'm annoyed at myself for the way that I did it, but I've realised that I've not lost anything by losing those people.

Nearly 5 yrs later I'm doing better than I was but there are some things I'm just not managing on my own and I still need to pull myself together.

Joining the gym helped a great deal because when I'm there I can do physical things without needing to think.

I wish we had a 'care' emoji, frosytfingers.