This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Thank you. I watch a lot of tv, mindless scrolling generally at the same time but I am trying hard to do one or the other. Im also trying to get back into my hobby and I think I need to up my going out to do it rather than sitting here alone doing it so need to find a couple of groups to go to, or perhaps look at doing a couple of different things.

I met a hobby friend today and we had lunch and discussed what we’d like to do regarding new projects but I’m not good at doing anything when I’m on my own.

I'm still struggling to motivate myself. An older widow advised me never to turn down any invitations.

Trouble is I don’t want to go @WearyAuldWumman. I know I should, but when I accept the invitations I feel a bit like I’m going through the motions, and it would be so much more fun if he were with me.

I completely understand what you mean about the car @Hisredipad! I’m now unexpectedly the driver of the “big” car that we bought just before my lovely husband got ill. It was supposed to be his really. It’s got a “boost” button that makes it go like a bat out of hell. I’ve only tried it once on the motorway, most discombobulating. I could hear him laughing in my head ❤️

@BlakeCarrington , yes mine’s got that button too, I haven’t dare touch it. It goes like a bat out of hell without it.

I’m almost scared to reverse the damn thing now, I’ve hit my car on the drive three times now, fortunately at a snail’s place and no damage, I just can’t see what’s behind me, I also have trouble looking over my shoulder, so now I’ve taken to winding down the window and looking out of that and I try not to reverse it when out. I’ve been seriously thinking about changing but I don’t know that I can, emotionally that is.

@BlakeCarrington

I admit that I'm much the same. Since DH died, I've had invitations to three weddings and I did accept all of those, but had to force myself. I'm not so good at nights out.

My old school is having a reunion next week - we're all 65 this year - and I was going to go, but I'm in two minds now for various reasons.

I’m going to family wedding in a few weeks time, I have met up with most of them since the funeral, but they will still be a few that I haven’t seen so I’m a bit concerned I’ll get teary.

I think when I realised the other day it’s now eight months I haven’t had that many invitations to go anywhere or do anything. If I have it’s mainly hobby related.

I do see some family a fair bit, but there’s quite a few others I used to be around a bit, but are no longer. I do know for a fact that one in particular is struggling a lot with the passing DH but I don’t know how to help and I’m actually concerned I could make it worse so I’ve left alone.

It's difficulty, particularly when you're struggling with your own grief.

I think it’s because people aren’t sure how to treat us.. some shy away from inviting cos they’re not sure how to navigate our sadness. And then sometimes they do invite and I’m reluctant to go. It sucks.

I understand your concern about the wedding @Hisredipad, I’d feel the same, and would no doubt cry too. But I guess I’d make myself go, and probably have a good time reconnecting with people if I did, and they’ll understand if you cry a bit, they really will. Or you could just take yourself off with a bottle of wine into a shrubbery somewhere and have a cry. I can barely do makeup these days, so often am I secretly having a cry

I got a bit weepy at DH's nephew's wedding - the groom mentioned DH in his speech - and only a handful noticed. My other nephew laid his hand on my arm.

That was kind of him, tbh im also not quite sure if it’s OK to say have a boogie and a laugh at this wedding im going to. Wonder if it will be seen as inappropriate, should I be wearing widows blacks (that’s a joke, im never seen in black as it’s not my colour).
its a fairly small wedding so maybe I just talk with great aunt Tabitha and her toy boy (she’s 95, and he’s 75) and do my best not to embarrass myself. Im driving dear parents so won’t be drinking so that’s probably a good thing.

My DH's family helped me a great deal - they made sure that I was sitting at the same table as DH's sister, plus his brother's SIL and husband.

They were wonderful - more so when you realise [this is outing] that we only found out about the existence of DH's siblings and nephews about 7 years after we married.

The nephew getting married had a memorial corner at the reception. I didn't know until I saw it: they had pictures of the bride's grandparents, the groom's grandparents and DH. In his speech, the lad even thanked me for travelling down from Scotland.

Ah @Hisredipad ...

The people who care about you will be glad to see you happy - and you're allowed to be happy. The happiness may be fleeting, but please don't let it pass you by because you're worried that others may think 'you're over it'. You're not betraying your DH, it doesn't mean that tomorrow you won't be allowed to be wretched. So if you want to have a bit of a bop, go for it. Forget yourself if you can and don't feel ashamed. Reality will hit you again soon enough.

Call me a hypocrite though, because I couldn't get on the dance floor at my stepson's wedding. My DW's family, in a display of genuinely caring for me, tried to get me up, but DW loved dancing above all else and I haven't danced since she died. So, equally, if you don't feel like it, then don't.

I hope you get to enjoy yourself in whatever way works for you

Aah, I’m the same about dancing @Emptyandsad. My DH loved
it and could fill a dance floor in minutes as people
would join in with him. I can’t join in now, but I remember the times when he was disco king which brings happy memories. Then I cry again.

@BlakeCarrington

I wasn't really a dancer when I met her (unless I'd had taken hard liquor) but she completely converted me. She danced like a child: with complete abandon, joy and lack of self-consciousness, usually laughing while she did it. We went to a lovely Irish club locally every Saturday night where we jived the night away. Good memories, even if they make me greet

Similar with my lovely hubby @Emptyandsad - it was a mixture of having all the moves, some extra comedy moves to make everyone laugh and such fun and enthusiasm, it was impossible to resist joining in. Like you I will always treasure those memories and I hope that with the passage of time I will cry less when thinking of them and remember how lucky we were to have found each other and had those wonderful years, even though they were so unfairly cut short.

Well, I was in two minds, but I've texted the organiser of our high school reunion and my name's now on the list.

I figured that I might regret going, but I'll definitely regret if I don't go.

I went to the one that they had when we all turned 50. This time round, we're all 65. I'm just going to wear the frock that I got for the wedding I attended last month. It's a bit matronly, but so am I!

@WearyAuldWumman i hope the reunion goes well and you’re glad that you will have gone.

I was questioning a friend today about what maybe the modern mourning period might be and she didn’t seem to know so I’m probably back to the, leave it a year, and then maybe…..

I’m hoping that by the first years anniversary I will have conquered a lot of the paperwork and have a better idea of what I am doing. (Which at the moment seems as clear as mud).

It took me a year and a few months, but that's because it happened during lockdown and that held up things.

I lost my darling husband last week, he had pancreatic cancer and was considered well enough for surgery which whilst we were told had a 20% chance of failure were also told to concentrate on the 80% chance of success. Sadly it wasn't too be and after four days in itu we had to say goodbye. It was awful and I'm utterly lost without him. Tonight is particularly hard as it was this time last week we were told they could do no more.

We were together for 35 years, married for 33 and were about to retire - I feel so angry that we have been robbed of our future, and so sad there are things that he'll never get to share.

I'm looking through old photos as we try to prepare for his funeral and they have reduced me to a complete wreck. It's so bloody unfair.

How do you get through this? I really can't see a way forward out of this awfulness.

I'm so sorry @frostyfingers.

There's no real answer - you take it minute by minute. I'm told that it helps if you have family close by. (I've no children or siblings.) Preparing for the funeral was a focus at first.

There were days when I coped by screaming in the house. I don't think that the neighbours heard.

Try to make sure that you have someone with you after the funeral.

Oh @frostyfingers I saw this just as I was about to press post. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you too. But I’m glad you’ve found us. I have found some comfort from the lovely people here.
It’s very early days for me. so I’m afraid I don’t have any advice. Just know that this awful awful pain you feel is understood completely.
This is what I was about to post so please don’t think I’m just jumping onto another topic:
I’ve just had an email to say that a bill hasn’t been paid this month. And it has to be paid by card immediately. It comes out of the joint account but I guess it must be in my husband’s name. It’s something I wanted to keep my husband’s name on so I didn’t inform them.
I’d like to be like the Victorians and wear black for 2 years to show both people and businesses to back off and be extra kind. I may already have said this so please ignore if I have!
I’ve read a bit of the Julia Samuel’s book Grief Works. My brain hasn’t allowed me to read much but she talks about grief being the last taboo and I think she’s spot on. And she says we’ve gone backwards in how we deal with grief.

I know what you mean about wearing black. I actually did for a while.

Contacting businesses can be so difficult - some have bereavement departments, but even then they get it wrong. I think that it was the 3rd or 4th attempt before British Gas sorted out the billing.

@frostyfingers I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. You're going to have some really tough times - you can see a lot of raw grief in this thread, but you can also see that things do change, do settle down. I hope you find comfort in company anyway.

I’m so very sorry @frostyfingers. There is no answer really except take it minute by minute and take all support you can Xx

@frostyfingers im so sorry for your loss, as the others say it’s a one day at a thing time. You get through it because you do, and will often look back and wonder how because generally you live in a cloudy fog but it does lift (and return)

try to keep your body nourished and watered, take offers of help and be extremely kind to yourself, and remember to relax and breathe properly which can be hard.

we are a great bunch, some of us are recently bereaved and others longer but we share a lot we can’t in real life and are supportive of each other and your welcome to post as much as you wish to gain the answers and support you need xx