My brother is dying

[rainbowlou]

We have been told he may have 2 days, and day 1 is quickly disappearing.
I just feel so numb, he has us all around him in the hospital right now and we are just waiting for the inevitable.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe for a handhold or for someone to tell me what I can expect over the next few hours?

My parents are dozing on and off but they look so broken.

is is only 50, cancer fucking sucks

I’m so sorry Op.

This part feels like torture. Is he having the correct medications to keep him free of pain?

Your brother sounds like a wonderful man and life is so cruel and unfair.

You and your family are giving him a wonderful gift right now, showing love and peace to support his passing.

I sat with a family member for days watching the deterioration - when I told her that it was ok to go, we were all there for her and to stop being brave, she died peacefully an hour later.

I will be thinking of you - don’t worry if you have conflicting emotions, shock, visceral grief or quiet acceptance. It’s an extremely distressing and surreal time.

💐 I’m so sorry. I went through the exact thing with my brother in 2020, I just held his hand, the image is burned in my mind

You are blessed to have had him in your life - he sounds like a very special man. I am so sorry that you, your parents and your children will endure his loss.

Big Love = Big Grief 💙

I am so sorry for you and your brother. I had cancer at 48. Its good you can all be around him. I hope he has all the pain meds he needs. I would try and offer reassurance that anything he is worried about you will look after, like children or pets (my friend desperately wanted to be with her pet) and that you love him and that it's ok if he has to leave this world. Big hugs to you all.

So sorry to read this. I can’t imagine how hard this is. I hope he continues to be comfortable and peaceful

Hand hold here.

I’m so sorry.

Hearing is the last sense to go, so keep talking to him or play some of his favourite music.

I found this helpful, as it gave me an idea of what to expect - https://www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/death-and-dying-what-expect/last-moments

Look after yourself too.

Massive hugs to you and your family OP. I lost my dad recently and I felt the same way about 'letting go'

I hope you're all doing as ok as possible.

I found MN a massive help, I posted myself and some beautiful people replied and kept me going when I didn't know if I could

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sending big hugs 🥰

I know how tough these time is. You are all doing such an amazing thing. It sounds like your brother is verry much loved and has contributed a lot to the family. Are your DC well supported in this. Feel free to do what ever makes sense in terms of their level of involvement. Winstan’s Wish has some wonderful resources and support for children.

I am so sorry OP, my eyes watered just thinking of you. Sending peace and love to you both X

I don’t understand how a man so unwell can still have breath in his body?

He is clinging on but still very comfortable and pain free.

My children came today, my 23 year old was too upset to see him but my teen sat for about 10 minutes with him.
Very proud of them 🥰

I’m yet to cry, I’m sure the others are silently judging me as they are constantly, I feel like I’m not quite ready to fall apart at his bedside and it will probably happen when he is at peace and I’m back in my own home.

Sending strength and hugs. Crying comes at it's time, feeling numb and a bit surreal is probably more likely right now. It's your body's way of handing the pain.

Take care

Numb and surreal are the exact words I’d use x

Hello @rainbowlou am so sorry you're facing this. I've travelled your path a few years ago when my sister died from cancer at 40. Two things that may well be apocryphal but I'll share anyway. It felt with my sister that she 'should' have died before she did - all the signs were there, but the hospice staff said that sometimes when someone is so young - like your brother - although their body may be ravaged in lots of ways, in other ways it has strength and so 'holds on' longer than you'd expect. I have no medical experience so this may well have been kind words without scientific basis, but it made sense to me at the time.

Secondly, after many nights at the hospice, my sister died after both me and our other sister had gone to bed/home. Again, its probably mythology but I do think about the idea of them waiting for everyone to be asleep before taking their leave.

Mainly, I'm so sorry you're going through this and at the same time you're doing him a huge honour xx

Thinking of you all 💙

That makes sense and does make it easier to deal with so thank you, and I’m sorry about your sister.

i suggested to my family that we leave him for a bit and go for a walk but 2 members of my family are adamant he is not to be left alone at all.
i put it to them that he may be wishing this, but it didn’t go down very well.

Don’t worry if you haven’t cried yet op. I found I couldn’t for WEEKS despite the fact I felt I had died too.

I found I was in full on practical mode and running on adrenaline for so long. Then there was one moment I was alone and boom I crumbled. It was so needed.

Not to say your experience will be the same.

Stay strong Op, one day you will look back and be so grateful you had these moments. You’re doing brilliantly.

Sending you all love strength and peace.

I didn't cry when my Mum was dying in a hospice either. I'd cried when I was told the prognosis and I cried plenty after her death, but during those few final days at her side no tears. I didn't want her to hear me falling apart and honestly me and my sibling were just trying to to be in the moment and chat normally to Mum and each other, often about things that had happened when we were children. We knew she liked hearing us chat away like this.

I’m certain that he will have enjoyed your touch and will have heard you speaking him about his time to go, @rainbowlou. He will
go when he’s ready physically as well as mentally, but meanwhile it’s very difficult for those who are there with him.
I wish him and you peace. I’ve never lost a sibling but have lost both of my parents and know what an emotional turmoil it can be to lose someone you love.

He has gone.

i was awake at around midnight and my mum had switched all the lights off.

She woke up and asked me to check him with my torch and he was lying there peaceful just as he had been sleeping.

Thank you to everyone on this thread that made the last couple of days a bit more bearable and less alone xx

I am so sorry. I am glad he had a gentle passing. It will be tough to lose a sibling at an untimely point and to watch your parents suffer. Take care of yourself and each other. I am so sorry. 💙

I am so sorry for your loss 🥰 thinking of you all x

So sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds an amazing man. I hope it gives you strength in the days to and months to come that you and your family gave him a wonderful gift oflove care and support at the end. It is such a honour to be at someones death.

So sorry Rainbowlou. You did a good job. He knew how much his sister loved him. X

I’m so sorry @rainbowlou Your brother was surrounded by love. Grieving is so personal, I found the page Refuge In Grief so very helpful.
Hand holding still, wishing you lots of love and strength xx