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Original poster

My brother is dying

100 replies

rainbowlou · 21/03/2025 00:07

We have been told he may have 2 days, and day 1 is quickly disappearing.
I just feel so numb, he has us all around him in the hospital right now and we are just waiting for the inevitable.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe for a handhold or for someone to tell me what I can expect over the next few hours?

My parents are dozing on and off but they look so broken.

is is only 50, cancer fucking sucks

OP posts:
CavalierApproach · 21/03/2025 01:00

I’m so sorry, OP. I can barely imagine how hard this must be for all of you. Hope it helps to know people are hearing you.

Fifty, god that’s too young 💔

Butterbean21 · 21/03/2025 01:42

Im so sorry that you have come to this difficult time. In terms of what to expect like birth every death is different.

We move away from life saving into keeping your brother comfortable and keeping pain and distress managed become the top priority. We stop checking blood pressure because we don't want to cause him further distress and want to allow the most time for family to be with him.

Breathing may change, sometimes it can become very rapid and we can try to manage that or as things progress it may slow down or he may stop breathing as regularly as you or I would. It may sound a bit noisy and distressing, that's a build up of phlegm that you or I could cough away but he can't because that reflex leaves the body. This can be really worrying for you but we can give a lot of meds to dry that up or position him to allow that to drain and whilst it can be really alarming for families your brother will be blissfully unaware of it.

You can put the sides of the beds down (check with nurses!) to avoid stretching over and hurting your back and make sure you get plenty breaks to take a breather. It can be very hard at this stage just waiting because you want so much more time with him and you'll never be ready but you also don't want him to be in any discomfort and for this stage to be prolonged for him. Whilst you are holding his hand you may notice that his temperature is a bit off. Some people go very hot and others start to cool down in the arms and feet. This can be a sign that things are progressing for him.

I personally find that some people wait for family to arrive to pass and others wait for family to leave. There's not a lot of evidence of how much people take in at this last stage but I have seen people who have lasted a while at this stage and then passed as soon as family nip to the toilet. We may keep you really close if we think things are coming soon.

When he does pass we can get him all cleaned up and comfortable and you can spend time with him if you wish, some people have more family come in to visit at that stage and that is fine too..whatever you want as a family.

Please look after yourself too and never think anything is a bother to ask nursing staff. I would much rather come in repeatedly and get his pain under control and would be horrified if you thought you were bothering me by asking. He is such a priority in the nursing world and it is a privilege to help families through this final stage. I'm going though this stage soon with a family member and not ready to be on the other side, it's a hard time.

If you have any questions just ask

Catatedog · 21/03/2025 01:47

Also do ask the hospital for whatever you need to feel comfortable e.g. there may be a room to nap in or they may be able to bring some bedding.

Maddy70 · 21/03/2025 02:30

I am recovering from cancer. I know what s fucking cruel disease this is. Please know he knows how much you love and care for him. Hold his hand. Don't be sad, talk about happier times to him, remind him of good memories X I'm do sorry this is happening to you all

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 21/03/2025 02:46

I’m so sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he’s at the stage my Dad was at his last weekend. Keep talking, reminiscing and laughing around him. He may wait until he’s alone to go though.

BereftBeyondBelief · 21/03/2025 02:57

I am so sorry. Handhold here too. You are not alone

Londog · 21/03/2025 03:18

I’m so very sorry for the desperation and sadness that you and your family are enduring tonight . Amidst your grief and pain, your beloved brother will need your strength. Recall some lovely, family memories to him to help him feel so cherished and not afraid, as all that love will carry him forward peacefully, nothing left unsaid.
With love and sincere compassion xx

Buttonknot · 21/03/2025 03:21

Sending love OP xx

LardoBurrows · 21/03/2025 03:27

So sorry you are losing your lovely brother.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/03/2025 03:36

So sorry - you must all be heartbroken. I’m pleased to hear he’s comfortable and has family wrapped around him. He will feel loved right now and will pass peacefully which is a blessing. He sounds like a lovely, interesting man. I’m glad the nurses are caring for you too. If you feel you’d like to share childhood memories with us we’d love to listen.

Remember to breathe, in for 7 secs, out for 11. Xx

ValentinesGranny · 21/03/2025 03:39

I'm sorry you're going through any of this. 50 is so young now and cancer is so devastating.
My brother died when he was 19. I will always believe it hastened my DF's heart related death not long afterwards too. Those were devastating times. The grief was physical at times.
Eventually, you'll forge a new 'normal,' but for now my best advice is be gentle with yourself and those around you. It's easy to get angry when they don't behave in a way you'd wish. Everyone is different and anger is merely a deflection from the grief.
The breathing you describe came a few hours before the inevitable and there was what looked like irritability. We were told this was painless but it was difficulr to watch.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/03/2025 03:45

‘When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight….’

K. Gibran

Original poster
rainbowlou · 21/03/2025 05:47

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I can’t reply to each one individually but it has given me comfort this morning reading them.
He is still here, his breathing is very quiet and faint now.

i am going to find a cup of tea away from his room and stretch my legs.

Thank you all again xx

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 21/03/2025 06:05

I am so sorry. My close friend died on Saturday from cancer, she was 57. Over the final few days her breathing started to change, rattly at times, but not consistent. As her circulation slowed, part of her were very hot, others freezing cold. The nurse said they thought she had an infection, but I think it was just a part of her circulation slowing. My friend wasn’t aware what was going on the last 2-3wks as the cancer had spread to her brain, but I kept talking to her and I took her dog (who is staying with me) to lie next to her. I hope that brought her some comfort.

On Saturday at 11am they said it would likely be Sunday, but my midday she was gone. I arrived 5 mins too late but another friend and her daughter were thankfully with her and said it was very peaceful. I stayed with her for a few hours. It was so very sad, 10wks since diagnosis. Sending so much love, it’s such a hard time.

JillAndJenTheFlowerpotMen · 21/03/2025 06:08

Flowers OP - your brother will know he is loved. That is so important.

Brenna24 · 21/03/2025 06:11

I am so sorry that you are all facing this. He sounds like an amazing person and is well loved by a wonderful family. Right now he will know this and be feeling your love. Hugs to you all.

Fraaances · 21/03/2025 06:14

Just popping in to advise that the agitation your brother was exhibiting earlier does not necessarily indicate that he was in pain, afraid or uncomfortable. It's a very common part of the dying process. It sounds like he's got the people he loves with him and you're doing everything in the most humane way possible so he can go peacefully and comfortably. You're right. Cancer is the worst.

StartupRepair · 21/03/2025 06:30

I am so sorry. I am sure he can feel the love in the room. Just be very gentle with yourself, there is no right or wrong. He may pass when you are not around and that will be ok.

FloofyKat · 21/03/2025 10:56

Been thinking of you this morning, OP. Sending love and strength to help you through the coming hours and days.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 21/03/2025 11:08

Sorry that you're in this position. My brother died of cancer nearly three years ago and we were all with him at the end.
Be really kind to yourselves. Sit and hold his hand, hold each others hands, you will bring comfort to each other. The end is very hard and there is nothing you can do but get through it. The early days are really really hard, but it does get easier as time goes. It would have been my brother's 44th birthday yesterday, and although I am still so sad he's not here, I can think of him and smile.
Wishing you all the best, you'll be in my thoughts. X

Original poster
rainbowlou · 21/03/2025 12:27

FloofyKat · 21/03/2025 10:56

Been thinking of you this morning, OP. Sending love and strength to help you through the coming hours and days.

Thank you, he is still here.

But I wish he would allow himself to go, he is changing in front of our eyes and it seems cruel that he is still having to breathe.

I had some time on my own with him and told him it was ok for him to go.

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 21/03/2025 12:31

I’m so sorry, how heartbreaking. Sending you and your family much strength and love.

LoudPlumDog · 21/03/2025 12:44

I know what you are feeling.

My 21 year old daughter dropped dead suddenly last November. Every day is sad and a huge struggle.

im so sorry you are going through this. It’s a cruel world we live in.

KidsDoBetter · 21/03/2025 12:46

Sending love to you @rainbowlou. Such utter & awful pain to say goodbye to your brother at such a young age.

ohfourfoxache · 21/03/2025 12:52

Sending the gentlest of hugs x