How to know if children should attend their father's funeral?

[littlefrenchmama]

Hello,
My best friend's husband passed away very suddenly 10 days ago. She has 2 boys, aged 7 and 10.
They are starting to think about funeral arrangements and the children cant decide whether they want to go or not. One day they say they want to go, the next they cry and are adamant they don't. And they go back and forth like this.
She doesnt know what to do, does anyone have some insight to offer?
Suggestions?
Go and be traumatised or not go and regret it?

Any help would be appreciated.

My friends child went to the wake but not the funeral. But he was 2.

What about taking them, if it gets too much then someone trusted takes them out. I would think at those ages it may be important to have had a chance to go.

I’ve not been in this situation but I wouldn’t have thought of it as a choice. I would have assumed they would go. I think it’s stressful & difficult for them to have to decide about this and an adult should have made the decision for them.

I agree that the choice will be stressful in itself.

They have enough on without being told to make the correct choice. It never should have been put to them that they had decisions to make. They need to be looked after.

I would say we will all go together, and stick together, but if they decide they want to leave after a while then eg Auntie Sue will take them home.

Even in the bereavement category there has to be a bitchy comment it's incredible.
English people are not weird, in fact she is not English. She is DEVASTATED thats what she is.

Winston’s Wishes were really helpful when we needed advice https://winstonswish.org/supporting-you/support-for-parents/. Maybe give them a call and have a chat.

She has contacted them, thank you.

They should be offered every opportunity to go. This is one of those things they'll look back on in 20 or 30 years time and regret deeply if the adults let them dictate that they don't go without making sure it's what they really really want. Maybe help them understand what will happen i.e. is it open or closed casket (explain that they don't have to look at the body, can step out whenever they need a minute, etc) as they might not really understand what happens at a funeral or what the point is.

My papa died recently and my DD11 asked to go to the funeral. I was a bit funny about her going. The funeral directors said if a child asks to go it means they're ready to go. She said never to force a child because it can be traumatising if they aren't ready and can then associate funerals either that trauma. Hope that helps xx

I think it might be best for them to go but to have an adult there, on standby, to take them out and away if it is too much.
Children are resilient even in traumatic times.

In my family, and the community I grew up in, children younger than early to mid teens rarely went to funerals, it was considered too much for them. Not even in the 1920s.

This.

My son attended my father's funeral aged 5.

Don't overthink this. It will be fine.

I think this is perfect.

I would also recommend she contacts Child bereavement U.K. once the funeral etc is over, as they can have a long waiting list but can be helpful for the future.

@littlefrenchmama my grandchildren aged 9 and 11 went to their mums funeral and the wake.

I think they should attend the funeral .
they should also have an caregiving adult that they know with them that isn’t their mother.
someone who will be capable of focusing just on the kids.
and will not loose total composure.

i think the funeral is important
even more so when a death is sudden.

they need some support ahead of funeral to help explain what is going to happen- what they will see and what it means.
both the logistics and venue and casket etc, but also that they will see their mum and lots of other people that love their daddy being very upset.
and I think that many schools will have a teacher that has experience of talking to kids about their feelings.
talking to the head teacher now and asking them what support they can offer in the very short term should eb a priority.
they will have experience of helping kids navigating loss. And they know the kids.

obviously it would also be good to help
them get some bereavement counselling lined up, but that might not be something that can happen ahead of the day.

www.childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people

I think someone needs to have a conversation with the kids and explain exactly what will happen at the funeral so they can understand what they are choosing. It helps if there's someone who can take them out on the day if it feels too much.

Where I grew up, literally everyone adult or child went to every funeral of any relative. My DSis was 4 at DGM's funeral and I was 4 at DGF's funeral. It's just normal for our nationality. DD2 went with me to my DF's funeral last year and I had to take her out for some of it but it was the only way I could go so it happened. I don't think the ages are the issue, more that these children have lost their father and need support about how they want to grieve.

They should go, it will be tough but they should go. I like PPs approach that they have the option to leave, however it shouldn't be a frightening thing. A funeral is part of the process, a horrific thing for them to suffer so young and to lose their dad. But the funeral is an important part of their grieving and something they should be part of.

It will be more harmful to them in the future if they were not part of it.

Slightly different, but my grandfather died when my kids were 8 and 5. Their great-grandad. I decided they shouldn't go, but the eldest did come to the wake which tbh she thought was a party. The eldest often ask now (at 15) why she didn't go, but I think it's more a curiosity thing as no one has died since so she's not been to one. I firmly believe it was the right decision at the time.

I took the decision based on a previous experience. Again slightly different as this was my nephew. He had been killed at an RTA at the age of 11. The crematorium was packed with his school class, rugby team etc. The sound of the sobbing from the children was heartbreaking, and I'm sure a memory that has stuck with them for a long time. I didn't want that for my kids, I wanted them to be mature enough and emotional enough to see a funeral as a goodbye, not an extension of their heartbreak.

It's such a hard decision. Are there any nephews/neices/small children? Are they going to the funeral? No other children were present at my grandads funeral, it was a collective family decision.

IMO yes they should go and face this awful event as a family.

The funeral is an extension of their heartbreak, it's not a simple goodbye. Being around others who are feeling the same pain, is all about processing it. We cannot fear being with others who are grieving. They help us process it together. It will have been healing for those children to be there.

From experience in my family the kids were a little older, 9 and 12 and they both went. Younger sibling was 5 and didn't go. It was so hard but probably more so for the adults seeing their little innocent faces and knowing their world had just changed forever. They both coped pretty well on the day and I think they were glad they were there. Seeing the church full to the brim and there to say goodbye to their dad.

Their mum had to be super brave and hold herself together. I don't think I cld cope with my kids attending at that age but wld have to if that's what they wanted.

The youngest sibling was brought along to the meal after and a few family members had their kids (cousins) brought along then too, all the kids running about like nothing had happened.