How to know if children should attend their father's funeral?

[littlefrenchmama]

Hello,
My best friend's husband passed away very suddenly 10 days ago. She has 2 boys, aged 7 and 10.
They are starting to think about funeral arrangements and the children cant decide whether they want to go or not. One day they say they want to go, the next they cry and are adamant they don't. And they go back and forth like this.
She doesnt know what to do, does anyone have some insight to offer?
Suggestions?
Go and be traumatised or not go and regret it?

Any help would be appreciated.

A child not attending a funeral in my culture would be very unusual, especially if related. Children go to the wake too where the body is in an open coffin (unless it's not open for specific reasons). I think it's healthy for children to attend and be united in grief with other people who loved the deceased. It can help to prices what has gone on.

If it's not the done thing then I can see how it might be tricky. I certainly wouldn't force a child to go, but in my experience I have never heard of a child refusing to go (in my culture).

I was ten and my brother was six when our mother died. Of course we went to her funeral but this is in Ireland where our culture around funerals is very different.

I agree with this. You have someone they know well who is in charge of taking them out/home/whatever if they want to leave at any point. Maybe two people, one per child.

She also needs to grieve, and the funeral is an important part of that.

I have always felt that I wasn’t ‘at’ my dad’s funeral because I had a tiny baby and no-one to leave him with. Between trying to keep him quiet and fit in a feed between Mass and crematorium, and travelling separately because the vintage funeral cars couldn’t accommodate a car seat, it all seemed to be happening at a remove.

on that basis, it would be better if the kids didn’t go, so that she can ‘concentrate’. Could it be streamed or video’d for them to watch with her another time?

@Coriol How bloody nasty. Trolling a bereaved family? Wow

It's a really difficult one. I think I would be very upsetting for them to go as sometimes these memories of funerals are vivid in the mind for years. Could you get a friend to be with them so they could leave at any time or even get there and decide at the last minute not to go. I think that's what I would do.

My children at a similar age did not attend their granddad's funeral, but did attend the wake.

My friends son at a similar age did not attend his mother's funeral and I think this was the right decision, having witnessed the scenes in the church.

A funeral for a young person can be very traumatic, with close family very visibly upset and this could be frightening for a child. Also the widow needs to be able to focus on herself and gain support from family without worrying about upsetting her children, or her children's upset distracting people from supporting her.

I would make the decision for the children and tell them they can attend the wake, so they are included, but miss the difficult part.

Don’t be silly. The OP is not bereaved. She’s posting about someone who is.

I depends on the child. They should definitely be given a choice because funerals are traumatic for kids, imagine losing a parent and then seeing everyone you care about, family, friends etc upset and crying. My son never attended his dad's funeral because it was the last place he wanted to be and I completely respected that. However if they're changing their mind they may regret not going so someone needs to have an open conversation with them and find out what the kids really want to do.

we had my grandmother’s funeral video’d for children who were nervous about going. It only showed the backs of those attending so no close ups of distressed people and focussed on the celebrant, other speakers and music etc
They could watch it live or wait till later and were fine with this. Not expensive, arranged through the undertakers.
But you might find just explaining what will happen, order of service etc will be enough to reassure them about going.

This essentially.

It might be too late now they have already been given the choice but would have been better to say ‘it’s daddy’s funeral, this is what will happen, everyone will be sad because we loved daddy and it’s a chance to say goodbye to him’. Then have a suitable auntie on standby in case they need to leave for a bit (and assuming their mum would stay in the funeral in that circumstance).

I think at that age it would be more usual to go, and there’s more risk they will regret it if they don’t.

also, if they are to stay home with someone they know well then that person also would have to miss it,

I agree with not putting the burden of choice on them and it just being the case that they go, but can leave if they need to.

So very sorry for your and your friend's loss. Poor little lads - my heart goes out to them.

My DS went to my dad's funeral aged 11. They were close and he felt very strongly that he wanted to go. Although he found it hard, he also found it very comforting, especially at the wake (just tea and sandwiches at my dad's sister's house), to be surrounded by people who loved and missed my dad, and to hear stories about him that he'd never heard before. Lots of my friends were there and they all looked after him. It's very difficult if it's the children's father though, especially if they aren't sure whether they want to go. If they do go, I'd agree with designating a couple of trusted adults to sit with them and take them outside if it's too much and making sure they know the plan and can just, say, squeeze a hand if they need to step out. That would take the pressure off their mum.

A lot of good advice on this thread though I think a further consideration is what the other adults at the funeral will be like. It could be traumatic for the children to witness adults openly crying on what is already a desperately sad occasion, so if the children go (and I agree that they should), all of the other attendees must be mindful of their presence and manage their emotions accordingly. The suggestion of having another trusted adult on hand to take the kids out if they find it too distressing is an excellent idea.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This. I was 12 when my father died. I didn't want to go to the funeral but it was suggested to me that I might regret it in later life if I didn't. So I went. I'm 52 now and I agree with this post that funerals are part of the process and helpful in some ways (in particular, meeting people that you wouldn't otherwise have done who tell you little titbits about your loved one). The death and dealing with its aftermath is the difficult part, not the funeral (just my opinion).

I honestly see funerals as part of life and think we make too big a deal of them. I think it is our adult attitudes that make it a bigger deal for children than it could be. For the benefit of those reading the thread - I personally would not give a child the choice but act like it is a given. I would also get the children at funerals as soon as possible so that by the age of the children in this post it is a natural part of life. The first one my eldest attended she was 13 months. My second child was 2.5 at her first. It was natural for them by this age. My grandson went to his first at 4 so the tradition continues (he slept through it all though!)
In your example, given it has been made into a big decision and the choice given to them, I would continue to give them the choice but offer 'why don't you come and if you want to leave aunty x will take you home'.

I think all you can do is listen to the children and if they decide to go have arrangements in case they change their minds last minute.

What is right for one won't be right for another. I went to my father's funeral as a child I also saw him at the undertakers. I am glad I did. Neither of my siblings did and they've never said they regretted their decisions. We were aged between ,8 and 12 and I was the middle one.

Yes

A friend of ours lost her husband very suddenly last year in a road accident. Their children, although a bit older, went to the funeral and were incredibly brave considering the circumstances. I think it can be good for children to get that closure, but very much dependent on the child. As a child I didn't go to my grandad's funeral but I was very young, and I didn't go to my gran's funeral because we were on holiday (complicated situation) which I still regret now.

Definitely they should attend

It would be wrong to burden them by giving them a choice.

They may decide not to and then regret it for the rest of their lives, and it may prevent them fully grieving and going through the bereavement - they shouldn’t have to live with this.

They should attend, being granted every bit of love, support, and flexibility (eg a relative to take them out early if they need it) possible.

Agree funerals should be a natural part of life for children and it’s good for them to get used to it from an early age.

These rituals exist in every society and are what make us human and cope with the life cycle, it’s only making it more difficult for children when we don’t allow them to participate. There is also a lot of love at funerals. Just as at christenings and weddings. Sadness = love. 💙

My 11 year olds father died very suddenly and unexpectedly last year. I was absolutely dreading the funeral and how difficult they would find it.

It was difficult. My child cried a lot as soon as the hearse arrived and all through the ceremony. However, in hindsight it was so so important for them to be part of that. To have a chance to say goodbye and express their grief and to hear people talking about their father was important. I think not going would have caused far more long term confusion about accepting the death than going did.

Although going was difficult, I definitely wouldn't describe it as traumatising. Having been in this situation myself, I would strongly advocate the children attending.

I will continue to comment, thanks, and I hold to my view, after 30 years of living in England, that bereaved people are made extra unhappy, at an already desperately sad period of their lives, by pervading cultural attitudes to bereavement, funeral attendance etc. Report the post if you think it’s inappropriate.

I think they should be encouraged to go. My uncle died when his DSs were similar ages. I think it helped provide a formal opportunity to say goodbye. But definitely there needs to be a friend or other relative who is there able to take them away if it does get too much.
So I'd say something like " let's go but if you don't want to stay then Auntie will be there and take you away"