How to know if children should attend their father's funeral?

[littlefrenchmama]

Hello,
My best friend's husband passed away very suddenly 10 days ago. She has 2 boys, aged 7 and 10.
They are starting to think about funeral arrangements and the children cant decide whether they want to go or not. One day they say they want to go, the next they cry and are adamant they don't. And they go back and forth like this.
She doesnt know what to do, does anyone have some insight to offer?
Suggestions?
Go and be traumatised or not go and regret it?

Any help would be appreciated.

I suggest it is discussed with them that if they want to leave they can and this be agreed in advance with a trusted adult. My friend's dad died when we were 9. She really doesn't remember the funeral but she knows she went and takes massive comfort from that.

How awful for your poor friend.

I would have assumed they would go, but if you're close to her and the children you could offer to be on standby for whatever they want on the day.

I knew two brothers when I was a teen. Their dad died when they were about 8 & 10.
They weren't given the opportunity to go to his funeral (their mum was absolutely lovely and definitely would have thought it was the right decision).
They were really scarred by it and would sometimes bring it up (when drunk). They both felt they hadn't had a chance to say goodbye- he died suddenly- and felt they had let him down in some way.

I think give them the chance if possible.

And yet this bereaved woman isn't English so your opinion is worthless in this respect.

My dad does when I was 7, I didn’t go to the funeral….I’m not sure I was given an option. I wish I had gone. I still wonder about it. My older siblings went.

This sounds like a good plan to me.

It will be a difficult day for everyone but losing a parent at that age is difficult however it happens. The funeral and collective grieving and "ceremony" of that day is part of processing that grief for many.

Having friends and family earmarked to be on hand for OP's friend and (separately) for the DC will be helpful.

@lifebow incompletely disagree, a funeral to me brings closure. There was a 8 week wait between the death of my nephew and the funeral, and i feel the funeral opened everything back up for the children who were there. The sounds for me were awful, I can't imagine what it was like for their parents who then had to taken them home and deal with the grief yet again.

For my grandad, it really was closure after a long illness. I wouldn't have wanted all that opening back up again to my children, hence them not being there.

Again, all down to own opinions. It's a difficult one and tbh if it was my parents at that age I think I'd want to be there, despite the choices I made for my own. This is their parent, not grandparent, uncle etc.

I agree with this. My child attended their father's funeral aged 4. They were surrounded by loved ones to help care for them, but they managed the whole day very well.

My dad died when I was 15 and my brother 12. We didn´t go to the funeral and we have never regretted it. My mum was clear we could go if we wanted to and were ready and if we didn´t it was also fine. My daughter has been to my aunt´s and uncle´s funerals, she was 5 and 6 at each and was fine. I had explained things to her in an age appropriate way and behaved nonchalantly about the subject. But it wasn´t her father. She should assure them, there is no wrong decision and neither means they loved their father more or less.

I’m another one who thinks they should go, but with a family member to look after them and take them out if they find it too much. My children, then aged 9 and 6, went to my DM’s funeral and managed it, despite lots of upset people (including me). We explained what would happen. I am strongly of the view that a funeral is an important part of the process of saying goodbye and grieving for the entire family. Possibly because I didn’t go to my granddad’s funeral when I was 9 (no choice, it just wasn’t the done thing) and I still have a regret 40 years later.

My dear friends ten yr olds did not attend. I think it would have been better if they had personally but everyone is different at times like this. I hope your friend and the family are ok and find peace.

Children I have known of these ages (& younger) have been to their parents' funerals. If nothing else, it teaches them that funerals are not something to be scared of. It can also be a useful focus for the surviving parent, as it gives them a reason to stay grounded.

I think funerals are part of the grieving process. I went to my first at 4 and went to several others as a child/teen of my grandparents. I don't think I found them particularly traumatic, ovee the death of the loved one anyway, and it was important to say goodbye as death can be quite hard to wrap your head around when your young.

Their dad has died and ultimately that's never not going to be traumatic. I don't think shielding them from the funeral is going to reduce the trauma or upset. I would go, with a trusted adult who can take them out if needs be.

Generally speaking children should go, the service should be adapted as necessary to make it suitable for younger children. 7&10 isn't young either, they will likely regret not going in the future

i think it depends on who/how many adults are going. I would consider making the funeral close family only, including the children, and having a larger memorial service later.

I found having a park over the road from the church really helped. We played with one of those big saucer discs after the ceremony - and got drinks and cake from the café. I think it's best that they go, there's a sense of a fresh start after.

I say this as someone who hosts the services, we make space for families with younger children to go to if they become overwhelmed

I was 6 when my dad died so I have been in this situation. My DM chose that I didn't attend - we stayed at my Aunties . That was her choice to make . I think she felt she wouldn't be able to express her grief properly with her 3 DC there ? I do know it was her considered decision and I stand by that . Who knows what's for the best in such a difficult situation?

It helped me understand when I was young.

A lot of good points raised and I have shared them with my friend to help her decide.
Thank you very much.

I would have a good talk to them to make sure they don't feel any pressure. If they don't want to go, it doesn't mean they don't love him any less. They can remember the good times. They could always have a little private ceremony at home, make it special for them.
I have no experience of this at all. It must be such an awful decision. But I wouldn't want them to remember the coffin. It's so hard to know what's best for

There is a process for making a decision like this. You “make” a decision and then proceed with that for a given period of time. Then ‘make’ the opposite decision. Then she will know which is the right one.

For what it is worth, in my culture they would definitely be going at that age.

I think it’s important for them to go. It will help join the dots when they’re older as they can properly process it. I remember not going to a family funeral when I was 9. Still feels incomplete for me. Your friend will need to be prepared for difficult questions such as one I heard a child say at their dad’s funeral, pointing to the coffin and asking, “is daddy in there mummy?” So painful to hear but helpful for the children.

So sorry your friend is going through this. I would think absolutely they should go. My children were 8 and 5 when my Dad died. I had to bring them to funeral home (no childcare-covid) my intention was to bring them to the funeral but not the wake (Ireland, open coffin etc). Anyway at the wake they asked to go in to see Grandad. I asked the undertaker, he said if they have asked let them. They were fine, not traumatised, if anything comforted that Grandad looked at peace. They are 13 & 10 now and a healthy attitude to death.
This is of course different to their Dad but just sharing my experience. My sons friend recently lost his Dad, there was no question of him and his siblings being at wake etc we are in Ireland though so attitudes are possibly very different.

Another one who thinks that this isn't a choice that should have been put on them. I'd expect dc that age to be at their father's funeral but as PP's have said, with a known adult who can take care of them and remove if needed. They are far more likely to regret not going in later years than to regret having gone and the burden of the choice is probably causing them a lot of anguish!