How to know if children should attend their father's funeral?

[littlefrenchmama]

Hello,
My best friend's husband passed away very suddenly 10 days ago. She has 2 boys, aged 7 and 10.
They are starting to think about funeral arrangements and the children cant decide whether they want to go or not. One day they say they want to go, the next they cry and are adamant they don't. And they go back and forth like this.
She doesnt know what to do, does anyone have some insight to offer?
Suggestions?
Go and be traumatised or not go and regret it?

Any help would be appreciated.

My dad died when I was 5 and I didn't go to the funeral (choice made for me) and it really impacted how I processed it and I think probably made it all harder. As others have said it's important to be part of what the family is going through even if it's really difficult at the time

The problem is the ridiculously long wait times for funerals in the UK.

I took my 12 year old son to his friends funeral but it was the day after he died. There were hundreds of people there to show their respect and for the family to know they weren't alone. It helped him process. We didn't go down to the actual burial though.

Conversely, my beloved grandad died in hospital when I was 12. I was sent to school, without a clue, the day he was dying. Came home, found out he had died, sent to school the next day. I was sent to school the day of the funeral too but wanted to go the funeral. I don't think I said I wanted to go, I kept everything inside as children often do with the big emotional things.
I knew he'd been ill a few weeks earlier but was told he was being treated and would get better. I never got to say goodbye to him and I buried my grief and I started mucking around at school.

As an adult, I couldn't see a photo of him without crying until I was in my 40's.

My Dad died in the summer. For DS12 he stayed at our house with DMIL while we went in the funeral car to the Crem. We had a private cremation service, just family, which was beautiful. Everyone left the chapel first and we had a minute just me, my mum and my dad to say goodbye.
We then went on to the church and had a big service of remembrance with a memorial portrait rather than a coffin. The church was full, he would have been really pleased. DS attended this having been brought down by DMIL and he took part in the service, lighting a candle.
He didn’t come to the wake, my best friend took him home with her for a play with her children. It would have been fine for him there but boring.

I think because it's their dad, they may regret not going if they don't - I think 10 is the age id start assuming they'd go to close family members funerals anyway. But it depends on the child and I wouldn't force them.

Under 10, unless they were very mature and asked to go etc, I wouldn't be expecting them or wanting them really to go to a grandparents funeral for example. But with it being an actual parent, I think they probably should - but it's a really difficult time. I'm sorry for your friends loss x

I don't suppose those children had fortune rot and moved on anyway so I don't doubt it would have helped them being in solidarity with others. Assume these are adults now? I bet the majority were very glad they were there that day!

It would be very helpful if her parents/siblings/friends who weren’t as affected by her DH passing could go for the children - although ideally they sit (eg) the row behind and let your friends and children be together.

They are likely to cry. But not because they are at the funeral, because they have lost their dad. Part of the funeral is about being able to show grief publicly. Would anyone older be kept from a funeral because they will be upset at it?

And yes, this is a big stressful choice for them. Better to just let them know that plans are being made for them to be supported while they are there.

I was 6 when my dad died and have never regretted going to his funeral. Wasn’t allowed to the cremation, though, which does peeve me. I really think I should have gone to that as well, and the wake.

Could they take headphones and something to listen to, or a game to play, which is what a little one did at a funeral I went to recently.
They could also have choice to go out whenever they want, and one adult chosen to go outside after them if they do. There's usually enough outdoor space that they might feel comfortable being out there til everyone leaves.

My two came to my Dad's funeral, aged 2 and 5.

We have photos and still talk.about it (they are now 11 and 14). We talk about it when thinking about the shape of our family.

It's hard but good for the soul to go to a funeral. You say goodbye together and you see all the ways that the person was tethered onto the world, and who you are connected to by that person, and how people react to death.

A small kid (my 2 year old) doesn't have the chops to process all this. But as they grow they have the memory of being there, and it provides all the pieces they need to process death, grief, family etc as they develop.

It's definitely a good thing

So sorry for your friend, OP, and her darling boys 💐

I went to my dad’s funeral at 6. I don’t remember much of the service but I do remember the adults coming together and the wake afterwards and I think it was important I was part of it. Has your friend explained exactly what’s going to happen during the funeral? The children are already very sad and will be traumatised by the death, it’s not the funeral that traumatises in my eyes, it’s part of grieving. Yes adults and children can be very sad but I think it’s important to know that you’re not alone in grief and have a ceremony to mark that grief with others who loved their dad.

For a 7 and 10yo they each need to have a 1:1 adult who isn't related to the deceased who can totally focus on the child's wellbeing during the day. Ideally a godparent if there is an appropriate one (and this is one reason why I think having aunts and uncles as godparents is a bad idea) or similar adult they know eg a friend of mum's.

That way it's possible for them to play the day by ear. Especially the 7yo may not be able to cope with the whole ceremony but would probably want to come in for some of it, but be able to opt out as soon as they need to. It's not reasonable to exorct the widowed mum to deal with these complex needs.

I would make sure the children are able to attend @littlefrenchmama and maybe offer ro your friend that you will sit with the children and let them know that you will take them outside if at any point the service etc is too much for them. Or even if they don't want to go in. Or just sit at the back. They are too young to have to deal with the responsibility of worrying in future years about whether or not they might regret going or not going. A PP put it perfectly.

I've done it before and it allowed the grieving adults to have one less thing to worry about when they had to go through the funeral and cremation. Kids sat with parents, but knew they could ask me to take them outside as necessary.

I would prefer never to have to go to a funeral tbh, I've only been to a couple and won't be having one myself. I understand that some people feel they're really, really important but to me they're not important at all and just expensive, depressing things that need a lot of organising and mean you have to chat to all sorts of people you often don't really want to at that time. DS didn't go to his grandad's funeral as a teen, he went to school instead, he's definitely never regretted it.

With the kids in the OP whatever your friend does, I would make sure it is the same for both kids, I wouldn't take one because they're older or whatever and leave the other because that is the sort of thing that can cause upset in the future.

Oh gosh

My children (9 and 6) attended their grandads funeral this week. It went over DS6’s head but DD9 had a rough time of it. It has given her some much needed closure though. I was there ready to take DS out but he did so well sitting through it. DD9 being there meant my exDP (we went as a family) stayed a bit stronger for her, which he says massively helped him. I was there for moral support and to pay my last respects to my FIL. I had spent some time explaining to the kids what would happen and the order of proceedings which did really help. If you could go to support your friends children and be the trusted adult to take them out if needs be, that might be helpful. We sat on the other side of the crematorium to the other immediate family which really helped as the kids didn’t see anything (eg their great grandparents breaking down) that would have been difficult. I’m sad for them that it was necessary but I’m glad they were in attendance.

In contrast I wasn’t allowed to attend my grandads funeral when I was 10. It has impacted me for life. I understand why my mum made that decision but I regret not being there. I still get emotional about him dying, more so than my grandmother who I was closer to, and I did attend her funeral in my late 20s.

In case anyone is interested the children have decided to go and are at peace with their decision. Some of you shared some very good points and I relayed it to them and it really helped so thank you very very much.

I think they should go, but with a clear plan for if they suddenly want to leave. My niece and nephew went to their father's funeral when they were 6 and 9. It was during Covid so it was screened which meant we also had the option to buy a video recording. My sister didn't want that on her computer, so it's on mine in case the kids want to see it when they're older. No idea if that's still an option these days?

At 7 and 10 they should go.

It will make things worse over time if they don't.

I had a similar situation recently as to whether my 11 year old should attend my mum's funeral. I ultimately decided that if he wanted to attend then he should. My dad lost his father aged 13, he wasn't allowed to attend his father's funeral, and to this day it affects him. I think they should be allowed to attend, but make sure they're aware of the process, also, maybe be prepared, in terms of childcare on the day in case they change their minds. Ensure that they have a lot of support on the day. They're very young and obviously devastated by the loss, the poor souls. My dad spoke to my son in depth about how the funeral would play out, he explained everything. He also made my son aware that I would be upset and crying, but that that is perfectly normal in the circumstances. Hope this helps and I'm sorry they're going through this at such a young age x

Delighted to hear this and thanks for the update! Hope the children get some comfort from the funeral service. It can help with the grieving process x