How to support DH through the next steps

[Ihatelittlefriendsusan]

Dh had a 16 year old son who tragically passed away earlier this year. The details are outing but suffice to say it should not have happened, huge amount of negligence involved, in particular by his son, exw and son's medical team.

Dh has had some bereavement counselling and his next run should start in a few weeks. However, his sons birthday and the inquest hearing are all due before then and I am really worried about how DH is going to handle this. And then we get slammed with first Christmas and then the 1 year anniversary.

I am struggling under the pressure of being DH's only real outlet. His parents and Sister have basically left it all to me and then added the weight of their grief when we have seen them.

I am not sure how to help him get through the next firsts.

I have no one to ask because I don't know anyone who has lost a child...I mean it isn't supposed to happen!
I am so sorry to anyone who has been through this, but if you have do you have any tips or things to avoid maybe?

How awful, I'm sorry.

What support do you have for yourself? Because you won't be able to help anyone else if you end up broken trying to support everyone else alone.

Special dates like birthdays and Christmas, especially the first year, are so so hard and everyone copes differently. Lots of people find the lead up worse than the actual day.

Sue Ryder's grief guide has quite a lot of information on different ways to cope and how it might affect someone:

https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/looking-to-the-future/coping-with-important-dates-after-a-bereavement/

They also have a guide to supporting someone you love through their grief at Christmas:

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/supporting-someone-bereaved/christmas/

Honestly, not enough but I have a couple of close friends who I can turn to. But the reality is unless you have been through the loss of a child it's hard to do anything really. I also have access through work to counselling if I need it.

It is a literal living hell for him.

Thanks for the links. I will check them out.

The issue I have found is that if you miscarry or it's a cancer related death there is tons of support if you are the mother in the scenario but there is almost nothing for dad's. But if the child dies for any other reason there is very little.

Would he consider these services:

The child death helpline is staffed by bereaved parents, so he would be talking to someone who has lost their child https://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk/

Or the compassionate friends have a website and phone line but also local groups for bereaved parents to meet each other and maybe could put him in contact with parents who lost their child in similar circumstances, I know they have different help for parents who experienced a sudden death or due to an accident or drug use or a crime or an illness, whatever the circumstances https://www.tcf.org.uk/

Thanks @nothingcomestonothing I will pass them on. He has literally had zero support from external agencies.

There is a liaison person assigned by the coroner but she only bothers to update his exw, has only offered support services to her and her dh. Honestly, it has been an absolute shambles.

The only support dh has had is because I put him in touch with the service that support me when my younger sister died of cancer 2 years ago. They only offer 8 sessions and then there is a 12 week delay before you can be re-referred.

I get Westfield through work but I haven't been there long enough so it doesn't cover him yet unfortunately. I need tomspeak to our HR and see if I can have him added so he can access their services.

It might also be worth checking with your local children's hospice whether they can offer counselling - generally hospices only work with families where they were involved before the death but even if they can't help they might be able to signpost. General counselling services or the counselling you can access via the GP isn't always the right fit for bereavement of a child.

Compassionate friends and child death helpline aren't counselling, but having others who have been in the same situation can be a big source of support when people in your life don't get it or don't know what to do or say. Also would you consider support for yourself? You have had a loss and you're trying to support him too.

My friend whose son passed, of a similar age, has found the specific charities who specialise in supporting parents whose children have died the best for supporting her. The generic support available (workplace employee assistance etc) not really geared up to this sort of thing. PP have given the links.

@Whyherewego unfortunately the only ones available around here are linked to expected loss due to cancer or for people who have suffered a loss due to miscarriage or still birth. Anything else locally is heavily geared towards supporting mum but not dad.

@nothingcomestonothing luckily the local one signposted by the GP is specifically geared to bereavement so has been a huge help. A friend of mine uses our local children's hospice as her son has a life limiting and potentially ending illness so I will ask her if she can ask. I suspect that as you say it will be accessible only by those who had involvement prior to death but it's worth an ask.

I am OK with the loss of his son, at the risk of sounding callous, there were issues forming for a while and it was very apparent that something potentially catastrophic was likely to happen.

He had type 1 diabetes and he just couldn't/wouldn't manage it properly. Was massively adhoc at taking his meds, wouldn't engage with his medical team or us. His dm took the opinion of he was 15 (then 16) so could make his own choices. Which disturbingly were her words.

No one would listen to DH when he tried to get support. He was dismissed by school, the medical team etc because his exw would lie and tell them DH was making it up and there wasn't an issue.

Their son was close to being kicked out of school because he wouldn't turn uo. He would tell them he had hospital appointments and if school check his mum would lie and tell them that it was true.

I have been a step parent in a previous relationship. The kids from that relationship are still a massive part of my life. So it's not my first rodeo of being the second family and I have always treated DH's rants about his exw as just that and always fully believed that there was probably a grain of truth but it was twisted by events before me. Their son was very disparaging of his mum. And I have always played the "she's your mum have some respect" line.

But her words and her behaviour over the 9 months prior to their sons death and in the immediate aftermath have been awful. The lies have been ridiculous. But she can be so convincing.

In one breath she was claiming it was suicide and he had taken an overdose and in the next telling everyone that there were no meds in the house beyond the insulin.

Everything she described about their sons behaviour for the 72 hours before his death clearly showed he had been dangerously close to hyperglycemia and she just had absolutely no awareness. It never even crossed her mind. Listening to her was chilling.

The inquest state.ents we have been sent are a complete work of fiction. But we have no comeback on it. There is no option to challenge the incorrect facts. Basic stuff like saying her and my dh had split up early 2007 (their son was born end of 2007) and her getting together with her current dh in 2008...her and my dh didn't marry til 2010 so how were they split up in early 2007?!
All of it is just adding to the trauma for DH.

He just gets so (understandably) angry. And I genuinely don't know what to say.

Oh it sounds so awful and DH must be so frustrated and angry and upset.
Given there's limited local help I'd suggest finding a good therapist or counsellor to support him. He will need to work through a lot here.

OP that sounds so hard, for you both. I'm so sorry

@Whyherewego he is a bloke and talking is not his strong point. But the service he is using through the NHS have been amazing and he has really gelled with the lady who has been assigned him as a patient so he is keen to keep that up once he is eligible again.

@nothingcomestonothing hard would be am improvement I think! Mostly he is OK day 2 day in a coping and functioning way but it has a huge impact on him.

I am so proud of how he has dealt with things. He has tried so hard to not lose his shit and not assign blame.

I just wish I knew how to make things better for him

Does the NHS lady have a private practice ? Worth checking?

Child Bereavement UK have been a great support to someone I know. I’m so sorry that your DH is going through this.

It’s a horrible feeling to carry when you can’t make such pain better for the person you love, but there is not much you can do except continue being there. That does mean you have to actively look after yourself because it is draining being someone’s main source of support when they are going through something so difficult and you won’t be able to keep going otherwise.

Time is going to be the only real thing that will get your DH back to some kind of normality. You could ask him if he wants to do anything for his son on his birthday when it’s close to the time and help make it happen.

Thank you for your kindness.

I have a couple of close friends I can turn to for me so when I need/want to offload I can. And with our employers have been amazing. They have let dh have whatever time and space he has needed. He has been there over 20 years so they have seen his son grow up so they have been amazing with him.

He has a hobby that I am not involved in so I do get a night "off" a week. It is predominantly other women that do this hobby too and they are great with him. They are like family but thwy have kept wverything "normal" for him. They have all stayed in touch with me too and offered their support which is nice

I try to usit this night to do something just for me...I get my nails done or go for a massage. Or I meet up with friends for dinner. It gives me a chance to just be me without having to worry about dh. It is a good respite!

I think the initial raw grief was the worst for me, followed by periods of relative calm and then it knocks you off your feet again often without warning. It's something that is going to walk hand in hand with your DH now for the rest of his life. He needs a good counsellor and over a decent period of time (can your GP recommend anyone due to the circumstances?) and an awful lot of patience.

My only advice is to follow his lead. Let him talk if he needs to; don't push it if he doesn't. And don't take his actions personally - I honestly think that grief does make you go a little mad at times. And I'd imagine that waiting for the inquest is a huge strain - it may ease once this has happened.

My heart goes out to you both. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm and accept that sometimes there literally is nothing you can do. Sometimes it just can't be made better.

Thank you @Patienceinshortsupply I am sorry you have experienced this.

I am very much letting him tell me what he needs.

You are so right about the waves that flaw you. He phoned me the other morning because it just came over him without warning. He had had to stop his car and just sobbed for a good 20 minutes before he could move it again.

He is finding having something to look forward to is helping so we have had booked various things in over the last few months and going into next year for him to focus on. Basically giving him lots of little goals to reach. It seems to be working but the birthday, inquest and first Christmas worries me.

I have reached out to his friends through his hobby and asked them to touch base with him gicen the next couoke of weeks are gonna be really hard. I haven't said specifically that I am struggling with being his primary outlet, but they have come back to tell me they are all here for me too which is lovely.

We have been out with sine friends today which seems to have given him a boost.

I go away for a girls trip next Saturday and am away for 5 days. Other than 2 nights for my hen do it is the only time I have left him since his son passed. He is going to a party on the Saturday night so hoping that gives him a big boost.

That's really good @Ihatelittlefriendsusan . You and he will find which friends are a help and who isn't so helpful.

I hope you have a good trip and a break and he enjoys the party - just leave any pressure to enjoy yourselves off, so go into it that it'll be good and if it turns out not great that's ok too. If you see what I mean, however you feel is ok.

Oh yeah @nothingcomestonothing, we have certainly seen who are fair weather friends and who are in it with us for the long haul! I lost a so called friend who I had asked to be my bridesmaid because i dared to spend Father's Day with DH as he was understandably distraught. She had a total shit fit because I didn't spend it texting her to check she was ok because she was ill.

We spent the day watching shit movies on Netflix, talking about his son, looking at safe ways to navigate through the next few weeks. He cried. He laughed, we ate utter garbage and then when he felt he could face the outside of the house we took the dog and fed the ducks at the local park. A very different day to what had originally been planned, but it was what he needed.

My life has become VERY small since his sons death. I see my parents about once a week, dd daily and colleagues. My hen do was the last time I went out out and even that was low key (not a drinker). I see 2 friends maybe every other month and speak to a couple more as and when. I do know if I need them they would drop everything but I'm not a talker lol. I am the one everyone else comes to for advice rather than the one whonseeks it out.

My younger sister died in 2022 from cervical cancer. I lost 4 people that year and as a result crashed in a bug way. I sought out bereavement counselling (same ppl I referred dh too) and they helped me realise a lot about myself and how I process things. They gave me some great strategies that work well for me and I do ok most of the time.

As for this weekends trip. It will be amazing! Me and dd. My home town, shopping, museums, theatre and lots of downtime. I cannot wait!

So DH is spiralling and I have lost my shit tonight.

He is being awful with me and then acting like he's done nothing wrong and it's all in my head.

He did something infinitely stupid yesterday and I have threatened him with divorce if it ever happens again.

He is drinking and hiding it then denying it.i don't drink at all and my dd is 11 so definitely not her bottle of whisky hidden in a box in the bin.

I don't know how to help him.

He refuses to talk to me but he isn't talking to anyone else either.

What do I do???

I think you need to change the narrative here. You can't fix it or make it better. Your job now is to travel alongside him. Child bereavement UK and local children's hospice will support you both.
Stay strong x

I'm not sure what you can do OP if he won't go and talk to anyone.
Did he get a shock when you made the threat? Or is he still in denial?
He needs help and you can't be the helper.
I'm sorry to hear this update sounds so hard

I'm not sure you can help or do anything really. That kind of self destructive grief is almost impossible to deal with. It may effect your DD too.

My dh lost his som 5 years ago...I don't think he's properly ever addressed it. We got a puppy, he had to look after it, he loved it, she was a pure distraction and is absolutely adored. It gets him out having a dog. But when she dies I think the whole thing might come crumbling down.

Anyway I understand about your world becoming smaller.

Have a real think about what you want for you and your DD. His grief can't take over your lives.

Thanks @BigDahliaFan

I waited til dd was put cold last night and quietly gave him both barrels.

I have told him he either takes proper action to deal with things or I will divorce him. I refuse to take the abuse for something that was absolutely not my fault.

I am the only one who has been there by his side. His parents are errtired so could be, but refuse.

I understand his reason for being angry. I am angry too but I'm not drinking and getting nasty with others.

Compassionate Friends are very good.

i know people who have used their services and who volunteer - volunteers have walked that path themselves, so can really “hear” when people talk.