How to support DH through the next steps

[Ihatelittlefriendsusan]

Dh had a 16 year old son who tragically passed away earlier this year. The details are outing but suffice to say it should not have happened, huge amount of negligence involved, in particular by his son, exw and son's medical team.

Dh has had some bereavement counselling and his next run should start in a few weeks. However, his sons birthday and the inquest hearing are all due before then and I am really worried about how DH is going to handle this. And then we get slammed with first Christmas and then the 1 year anniversary.

I am struggling under the pressure of being DH's only real outlet. His parents and Sister have basically left it all to me and then added the weight of their grief when we have seen them.

I am not sure how to help him get through the next firsts.

I have no one to ask because I don't know anyone who has lost a child...I mean it isn't supposed to happen!
I am so sorry to anyone who has been through this, but if you have do you have any tips or things to avoid maybe?

Yeah I hear that. Mine kept ringing until I knew the dates of the inquest, I haven't heard from her since. But the part of the trust she came from was 'unavailable for those dates'. I was given the option to change the dates but I'm not gunning for them so let it go.

Doesn't really install trust in you. Don't really see the point in them. I go straight to the coroners office if I want info. They've properly got time for you.

I think because there is no reason for him to have gone into ketoacidosis and then cardiac arrest the medical info needs assessing first for cause of death and then depending on the outcome of that depends on whether the police decide or are directed to look into it further.

I think they treat it as unfortunate accident unless the coroner suggests otherwise.

Where dss lived everything ref a child is directed via this liaison woman. We have been told we are not to deal direct with the coroners office, I suspect again this is because there is still potential for police action to be taken.

I'm not sure of that is normal or not. But we are very much kept in the dark. The liaison woman is less than useless. She speaks to dss mum a lot and is fully aware that her and dh do not speak. I tried desperately to act as peace keeper at first, but honestly the woman is unhinged.

I accept that losing your child is utterly devastating and I fully expected and accepted their would potentially be some unusual reactions but when she can't even tell the same lie twice alarm bells ring.

She cleared dss room as soon as the police said they had removed everything they needed to, computers, phones etc. She demanded dh went to help. He turned up and the room was empty. Less than 10 days after his death and it was like he had never been there.

She physically attacked dh. Verbally attacked him at every opportunity.

The day after he died, I had been up for probably 40 hours straight and ended up driving 200 miles home because if she had attacked dh once more I think i would have wound up in a police cell. She was goading him, slagging him and dss off. She told dh that dss had killed himself because he was "terrified of your reaction to him having a bf" dh wasn't unhappy about him maybe being gay. Dh knew, had suspected for years but has a similar outlook to me. It shouldn't matter who they bring home, there doesn't need to be a funfair. Just bring then home and introduce them as your bf/gf as you would if you were heterosexual. Dss knew that and had been as open as any 15/16 yo is.

I really hope they find her negligent. I suspect it is one of the few things that will give dh peace.

Where dss lived everything ref a child is directed via this liaison woman. We have been told we are not to deal direct with the coroners office, I suspect again this is because there is still potential for police action to be taken

I don't really understand this. Has he been sent the inquest reports?

I don't understand anything she's done. Clearing his room so soon to me is weird as I still can't get rid of anything yet but I get that people grieve differently. She doesn't sound very stable in general.

I do hope you both get some peace when it's over.

We have been sent a load of stuff akin to witness statements by the various paramedics, the family statement by dss mum which was bizarrely done in the presence of a senior police detective, but dh's was done verbally over the phone with just the liaison woman. She sent it to dh and he rewrote it cos she hadn't actually written what he had said and her spelling etc was appalling. It had bits of his medicalnrecords but more the diary bits of when they had tried to engage and not reached dss or his mum etc.

I am.not really sure what it all should compose of.

I might see if I can get hold of the info for the coroners office directly and see if we can get some more transparent info on what the process is and what we should expect etc.

Like you i don't understand her actions. Dh can't part with anything he still has. He won't even scatter the small amount of dss's ashes. He wears a vile around his neck every day with some in and the rest is on the bookcase in the living room. At first I found it a bit odd but I don't really notice it is there now. I do make dh take the necklace thing off before he comes to bed cos that is a step too far.

I am so sorry you are going through similar @gamerchick but thank you from the bottom of my heart for talking to me and helping! If I can do anything in return please let me know.

If you haven't got huge amounts of info already you may want to looks at Hempsons podcast which covers inquests and what happens as prep www.hempsons.co.uk/news-category/inquests/

Thanks @whyherewego I will have a look

Just to update if anyone is still reading...

Dh has been going to regular Andy's Man Club meetings and they seen to be helping

His anger seems to have subsided. Or at least he bus nit as angry about everything and anything. He is obviously still very upset about the actual issues which I get and can cope with.

Apparently the guy there told dh that even in the short time he has seen a really difference in him compared to when he first attended.

He seems to have plateaued a lot which has been a massive improvement.

Still reading OP, thanks for updating. It's good to hear things are a bit settled with your DH. Christmas can be a tough time, other special days or anniversaries etc you can choose to ignore but Christmas is unavoidable and in your face everywhere. I hope it's ok for you.

Christmas is really hard for him.

Worse because we really can't ignore it as I have an 11 yo dd who is super excited. Her current plan is to stay Christmas eve with her dad and then they are all coming here for food so will have dh, dd, ex and his 2 older kids (dss & dsd are still very much mine lol) and my brother is also coming.

I'm worried about it all getting too much, but also this is "normal" for christmas so really not sure what is the best route.

Dh so far seems happy tomhave everyone around, I think he is hoping it will distract him.

All you can do is best guess what to do though, isn't it? If doing Christmas as normal seems like the right thing and he thinks it'll be helpfully distracting, you can only go with that.

That's kinda the plan. We are just taking it as it comes currently.

Everyone coming knows the situation so they know that if it gets too much they all need to bugger off.

Dh seems to be using the stories at this man club thing to minimise his loss in an "they have it way worse than me" way.

I am a bit worried that henisnstarting tondeflect how he feels and focus on the tales toldmby others.

I tried to raise it tonight and he got quote defensive. They don't meet next week so will see how he is when it starts back up in Jan but I am starting to feel a bit uneasy about it all.

That sounds a bit worrying. He's had a profound, shocking and needless loss, and that can't be minimised or compared to what anyone else has gone through - in fact, I'd say he's probably had a far worse experience than many. I wonder if he is being truly open with the others at the group?

Keep an eye on him. Grief is a tough road to tread at the best of times, let alone Christmas

Sorry this has happened to your husband and yourself.
It's utterly heartbreaking.
We always light a candle for husband's son, who died in 2021, on Xmas Eve to let him know we are thinking about him and to guide him into our home if that doesn't sound odd as he's obviously always welcome spiritually.
Then we get on with it. Hope that doesn't sound like we try to pigeon hole him it's not meant to.

Is he trying to comfort himself by thinking they have it worse? As in, 'if they've had x thing happen, which is worse than what happened to me, and they're still going, I'll be able to get through this'? Or is he beating himself up for struggling when people who've had 'worse' are apparently functioning?

I think men can cope better when they have other men to talk to.
A man rings my dh or he rings him and has done every week since his son died.
They don't talk about it but can if he wants to.
He knew him before but not a life long friend but he has been a hand hold similar to how your dh is doing with the man club.
Sometimes I think DH might come to a halt but keeping going and one day at a time has been the way.
Inquest time was very hard.

I think he is on the theybhave it worse camp- he says its because they are going through things now in the immediate whereas his son is already dead etc.

It just feels worrying.

I am going to keep a close eye on it.

Which is why he was recommended this Andy's Man Club thing.

Dh is an incredibly gentle person. He will do anything to avoid conflict to the absolute detriment of himself.

He will always put everyone else above himself. Even a total stranger which is why this worries me so much I think.

That might be the best way for him coping or he might hit a wall but by the sound of it let him be and just say you are available if he needs to talk and maybe let him do it his way. We do not know what the pain is so we can't really anticipate just be ready. 💐

Taking on other people's emotions is Absolutely not the best way for him to deal with anything. And neither is belittling what he has been through and minimising it.

You have been amazing support op, please never underestimate how hard it is for you. As for how your dh is coping, everyone is different, there's no right or wrong way, deflecting his grief by realising others are in similar if not worse situations is not uncommon and if it is helping him to realise he isn't alone then i would monitor but not be overly concerned currently. Christmas will be tough, and he may need to take time out but he sounds like an amazing man who genuinely cares about others so he will get pleasure from seeing people being happy even though a piece of his heart is forever missing.

I'm trained in grief counselling and every person is different, you just cannot generalise in patterns, best practice can say a bit it simply is right at an individual level. Men are definitely different to women in my experience

I'd also say your blended setup is heartwarming, reading so much negativity around this it's lovely to hear about a family who makes it work.

Thanks @mitogoshigg

I am going to monitor, this all came about because he was drawing on other people's issues and becoming insanely angry. It was so hard for dd and I to deal with. I amnjustbrrally worried he will take in everyone else's sorrow.

As for the blended setup...it isn't always easy and there are days ex drives me bananas but we all do it for the kids (even though dsc are 21 and 19!)

It might be part of his process? As in, a step on his journey is first to see others have it really hard then after that recognising he has too? Does he voice it to them, that they've got it worse? Just wondering whether hearing from someone who he thinks has it worse, if they said 'no it's not worse, you've gone through a terrible thing too'.

it's hard trying to support someone in this, I'm so sorry you're both in this situation

That's an interesting point, I don't know if he has voiced it to them or their reaction. I will ask him when he next brings it up.

I just know him so well, and he will ignore how he is feeling to support them. If he thinks they are dealing with something worse, I worry he will stop talking about how he feels for fear of upsetting someone.

I'd add in OP that when I went to a group for bereaved parents, I couldn't cope with hearing other stories. It felt too overwhelming to try and process their grief as well as my own if that makes sense? It may be too early in his journey for that, which is why I'd encourage him to talk to someone on his own.