How to support DH through the next steps

[Ihatelittlefriendsusan]

Dh had a 16 year old son who tragically passed away earlier this year. The details are outing but suffice to say it should not have happened, huge amount of negligence involved, in particular by his son, exw and son's medical team.

Dh has had some bereavement counselling and his next run should start in a few weeks. However, his sons birthday and the inquest hearing are all due before then and I am really worried about how DH is going to handle this. And then we get slammed with first Christmas and then the 1 year anniversary.

I am struggling under the pressure of being DH's only real outlet. His parents and Sister have basically left it all to me and then added the weight of their grief when we have seen them.

I am not sure how to help him get through the next firsts.

I have no one to ask because I don't know anyone who has lost a child...I mean it isn't supposed to happen!
I am so sorry to anyone who has been through this, but if you have do you have any tips or things to avoid maybe?

He's been having 121 grief counselling but unfortunately you inky get 8bsessions and then nothing for 12 weeks til you can self refer again...the joy of an overworked NHS.

This was recommended by Compassionate Freinds as a support group specifically for men. But I am worried that he will take on their grief in top of his own in the same way he did with anger.

He seems aware of it at east as a possibility so maybe it will be OK.

Maybe it's easier to feel for other people, especially if he is a kind supportive person anyway? I mean, easier to think 'yes that story is awful, how awful that happened to that person, I feel so angry and sorry for them'. Like he's feeling his feelings at a safer distance than feeling them for himself almost, feeling how he feels - angry, sad, grief-stricken, shocked - but at one step removed by feeling them 'for' someone else. I'm not sure I'm conveying what I mean there.

Yeah you are ❤️

I think thisbisnwhat worries me. He seems to be doing that to deflect from what he is feeling. The way he is articulating it, it feels like he is dismissing his feelings as nit as important or valid because "look how awful this thing is that happened to X"

I think he is afraid of how he feels, like of he admits it then he has to admit that his son is really gone forever and he isn't ready to accept it.

He is doing so much better than I think inwould be in his situation. But I am worried it is because he isn't really dealing with things and is just glossing over how he really feels to function.

Hopefully I am just over thinking it and worrying about nothing.

Popping in for a quick update...dh did so well over Christmas and new year. I have pneumonia so was pretty poorly which I think may have provided a distraction! He has been quite buoyant.

However, one of my best friends in the world who also happens to live next door, died last night. I was told this morning and it has left me devastated. I think it also let out a lot of the emotional baggage inhave over dss death too. I didn't dare tell dh over the phone so had to wait for tonight.

Dd is broken as am I. Dh has taken it ok for now but I fully expect it to hit him over the next few days.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend OP, sometimes it feels like it never rains but it pours

Getting through Christmas is a milestone in itself and it sounds like it went better than you expected?

Honestlynthw last 3 years have been horrific for deaths.

But yeah christmas was definitely a positive!

I wasn't going to post here again but you ladies have been amazing so..

Dh is struggling, the closer it gets to the 1 year mark the more he is shutting down. In part unthink this is because he knows I am.breaking point. I have literally eaten dinner tonight with tears pouring down my face unable to speak because I am breaking.

I am trying to safeguard myself at the moment. Dd is struggling after the death of my friend, they were super close and it's so hard. I need to be on form to look after dd. So I have asked mil and sil to drop him a message to let him know they are thinking of him. Not a bloody word has been said beyond what help do I need to help him. By last weekend nothing had been mentioned, they hadn't been in touch so I told them I was hurt. That they were being unfair leaving it all to me. It has blown up a bit and I told dh I am done. He needs to tell them striaght because I simply have nothing left. I know that's putting more stress on him but he is marginally stronger than me this week.

They seem to think they have done tons but don't ask about how dh is or talk about dss because they didn't have much of a relationship with him (big distance to where they are living) so they don't know what to say. I am so cross...

I have said all along it feels like we are out of sight so out of mind and it now seems that is exactly the case.

Dh is hurt but hiding it and I lost the plot at him and ranted earlier which has just resulted in both of us feeling shitty.

Although dh Has finally caught on to how close to breaking point I am.

I'm so sorry. You are grieving too, you've suffered now two losses. It's not fair that others expect you to be the conduit to your DP, if they want to support him they need to go to the horses mouth. People are so afraid of grief, but that's not for you to make better.

I have nothing useful to add, other than reading your posts really moved me and I hope you and your husband find some peace, or at least respite, after the inquest.

Thanks ladies.

Dh is such a people pleaser so he is now minimising and excusing their behaviours. He knows exactly what Indian to them last week and agreed it needed saying but then tells his sister that he has no idea what was said so can't comment when she is outright lying about what was said. I just feel massively unsupported and like he is chosing them over me. Which given they have done exactly f-a since dss died is just the icing on the cake. Although I am fully aware that my emotions are all over the place so I am not having that row because I'm not sure I trust my rationality about now.

I think the bit that did me was the fact they "didn't know the date would be a trigger". I mean what sort of sociopath do you need to be to not work out for yourself that the date, 1 month before their grandson/nephew died might just trigger a breakdown. But more to the point I bloody spelt it out.

Then we get the "don't know what to say" bs...again inspect out exactly what he needed them to say.

They are moaning about relationship breakdowns and time needed before reconciliation talks...they are literally making it all my fault and that I am the unreasonable one.

I have flat out told him I am done

A traumatic bereavement shows you who people are, as you know too well OP. You haven't got the bandwidth for 'reconciliation talks' with people who don't attempt to support you, whether it's through fear or not caring or whatever it is,the impact for you is the same.

It sounds like your DH can't cope with what a let down the are, so it's easier to attempt to be 'neutral' - which actually to you is him siding against you, as he knows it wasn't 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

Maybe they didn't know, or didn't understand, why the date was hard, but the supportive thing would have been for them to apologise, not to try to justify themselves. But some people aren't capable of that, they can't stand being 'wrong' so someone else has to be wrong instead. But that's not your circus.

That's absolutely what he is doing I think. I don't think he wants to accept what knows they are being so it's easier to sit on the fence and pick splinters out his backside.

I get that peoplemoutside it might not see the date as an issue for him. But when they have outrightly been told and had it spelt out I think it's just a cop out.

I have washed my hands if them. I don't have the capacity for their bull.

I've told him they are his family so he cam deal with them now. I am done trying to shield him from their crap.

It's just heartbreaking because he loves them and he has already lost his world when dss died. And now he is going to lose them because they won't change.

Thanks for the pep talk x

I thought come back and give you a heads up about the inquest OP. He's not going to get his day with the bairns mam. He needs to be prepared for it.

If he hasn't read the reports he's going into it blind. It might be traumatising for him and you to hear the finer details. I urge him to use a charity set up for supporting people through inquests.

It hurts when people don't remember the date. I've been surprised at where support has come from rather that what I expected. You really do see people in a different light. Take a squeeze.

Thanks @gamerchick.

He has read the reports and is aware he won't get justice if that makes sense.

We are going through it all line by line over the next couple of weeks as there are questions to be asked to prevent things happening to others, I.e. breather masks for cpr that only go into the paramedic kit bags if bent which they knew broke them. Sonehy the hell were they allowed to carry on?!

He won't ever get the justice or the acknowledgement that his exw is in any way at fault unless the coroner rules misadventure in which case the police investigation will start.

I think he just wants closure and an official rubber stamp of "this is what caused his death". Currently we have "we think" and "mostly likely"

The legal team were going for death by misadventure in our case. It was found there were missed opportunities to save her. I know it's the legal teams job to wriggle out of it but it made me feel sad they didn't see he opportunity to change things and more covering their arses. As a result we've got a load of stuff changed/introduced.

Write down your questions and take a pad and a pen to jot stuff down. You'll get the chance to ask each professional questions.

Just don't lose your blob like I did with one of them when she lied and get shushed by the coroner

I hope you get justice at the roots. I know things are going on behind the scenes in my case but I doubt I'll get to hear of it. Praying for you.

Thank you xx

We plan to take questions and I will make notes. I am going with him so if he can't do it I will.

I have worked with kids forever so am safeguarding trained and there are soooo many missed opportunities.

The one thing I find weird is his school haven't been asked to present.

Oh my - Ihatelittlefriendsusan - my heart goes out to you and your family.

Given the background situation regarding your DSS mother, have you considered seeking legal representation for the inquest ? I know it's an expense, but I just wonder if it would be worth it to ensure the right questions are put to the right people.

That way as well, you could request the school to be involved yourselves

Ohh no. I wasn't aware we could.

Thanks i will look into it.

So the inquest has happened.

Dh did so well. He did brilliantly giving his evidence and he got in some good questions to the consultant regarding their lack of safeguarding. Even the coroner commended the questions.

They have ruled it as misadventure which dh is struggling with but imo it was the right call.

His exw was a nightmare. Her evidence was contradictory, she lied and tried her hardest to push for suicide as a verdict.

Dh is talking about finding ways to move on and heal.

I still feel so numb.

I've not had that experience myself so I'm sure others are better placed but I'm guessing for me the inquest would be a milestone, and also a looming thing I'd want to be over so in that sense its good it over? Sorry if that's wrong or unhelpful. The only thing I can compare it to personally is a police report, which we waited months for and then was such an anticlimax because it tells you how they died (which we already knew in a technical/factual cause of death way) but doesn't tell you why they died (because that can never be answered properly).

Maybe having waited for it/dreaded it/wanted it to happen for so long feeling numb is reasonable?(well however you feel is reasonable but you know what I mean). The inquest needed to happen but it happening hasn't changed anything. You're still with the same loss.

You are absolutely right @nothingcomestonothing there is a huge relief of "thank God it's over" and DH definitely sees it as the last string having been cut that tied him to his exw. And I think that alone has been very cathartic for him.

I have been so focused on keeping him from completely fling apart I haven't really given myself any time to deal with the process we have been through. I am definitely going to start spending time on myself!

Just an update...we have had a significant birthday for dh recently. He has spent the last year telling me he didn't want to do anything for it as his birthday was 3 days before dss's funeral so it is permanently linked. However being the adoring wife I am, I totally ignored him and planned a huge surprise party for him.

Friends and family from across the country turned yo to celebrate with him.

It was amazing!! He laughed, he danced, he sang with his friends...it was amazing to see

We then had a houseful for Easter Sunday dinner. We got 12 into my very small dining room for a 3 meat roast dinner. By the end, he was all peopled out but he had the best time.

He is still going to Andy's Man Club and the Compassionate Friends meetings, overall on a day 2 day basis he is stable and he coping a lot better.

I still think he is hiding a lot from me in terms of how he feels. But we are doing OK.

@gamerchick how are you doing my lovely?

Ah that's amazing OP, thanks for updating

@nothingcomestonothing dont get me wrong there is always a shadow and there always will be.

I can see it in his eyes when it cones over him, an old school friend of mine invited us to her sons 21st (I'm in denial that I am old enough for people younger than me at school have adults for kids) and he only managed an hour before the "dss will never get to have this" darkness hit him.

We quietly slipped out having prepared my friend of the situation.

We acquired a new dog in Feb which has been an absolute ray of sunshine for him. She is thoroughly bonkers and so high energy so needs a lot of time. The walking and the fresh air is doing him the world of good, and us as a couple tbh.we get an hour a day in the woods with no Distractions to just reset/reconnect.

I am away with work for a few days this week which is out of the norm and it's over the date of the month when dss died so I am a bit worried about how he will cope on his own but I may prep my brother to pop up and check in. I might send him money to take dh out for a beer 🍺

I think sometimes you can predict the things or times that'll be hard, and steel yourself, other times it completely sideswipes you. It's all best guess,.and giving yourself permission to not do stuff which you thought would be ok but then isn't. And also giving yourself permission to find stuff you thought would be hard, doable. I think, maybe not helpful.