View open coffin or not?

[Darkclothes]

We have the option of viewing the open or closed coffin for a close relative. Any pros/cons of either decision please? If you viewed one open- did you regret it?

Omg after 2 months! Wow

yeah in Ireland it’s usually a day or 2!!

Yes two months is so long. I don't think I'd want to after that long - you sort of already have your memories set after two months, if that makes any sense at all.

2 months! Even with embalming, they’re going to look decomposed after that long.

You are of course entitled to your own, very understandable, views but there's no need to use such a disrespectful tone. Especially on a thread where the OP is bereaved and others have shared very personal memories.

I’m so sorry to hear you lost your teenage son. There can’t be anything worse than loosing your child. Sending love xxx

I used to be a funeral arranger so I'm used to seeing dead bodies. It's a very personal decision whether to visit a loved one in the funeral home. My DH died in July and I decided way in advance of him dying that I wasn't going to visit, and I was there when he passed away anyway. However, once he'd died I surprised myself and got an overwhelming urge to see him one last time, almost to convince myself that he had actually died and it was him. I wish I hadn't bothered though because although he looked peaceful, he looked different. The funeral director has to "set their features" so that eyes and mouths don't open unexpectedly, and DH's mouth seemed a different shape.

If you want to visit and don't like the idea of seeing them in a coffin, then when you make the arrangements you can ask to view them on a bed. It's actually a trolley like in hospital, but will be made up to resemble a bed and some people find it more comforting. You have to decide this at the outset though, because once a deceased person has been placed in their coffin they won't be taken out of it again.

This is what we do in Ireland .
We have a wake over two days/nights
person's corpse in coffin.
People approach coffin, say a prayer, then either leave or stay and chat and have endless cups of tea.
All seen as perfectly normal in this part of the world .

Sorry for the everyone’s loss.

No one will be able to tell you how you feel. How comfortable do you feel thinking about death in general?

The first dead body I saw was my grandfather. I was 18 at the time and felt a little scared. I could wrap my head around him being so still, and I could see stitches where they had seen his month together.

The second was my daughter, first as she died and then later in the funeral home. Even though she was obviously dead I felt such comfort from holding her that those memories are still precious to me.

Following her, it was my dad, both at death and again in the funeral home. It was fine, but he looked the most dead of them all. He looked almost like a character in a film with hips jutting out and his mouth just didn’t sit right. His nose had started to collapse. I felt the least when I was with him, but I had done so much crying for him as he died I think there was nothing left to give.

Three separate occasions and I felt different each time. I don’t regret seeing any of them though.

I saw my mother after she died, mainly because I found her after her sudden death and I didn't want that to be my last memory of her. She looked more like herself and so I found a measure of peace from it.

My mother herself always regretted seeing her father after his passing, and I did choose not to see mine. I think you will have to go with your feelings as to whether it will help you in your grief or not.

My family are not catholic or Irish but we have always viewed bodies after a loved one has died, to say a final goodbye. I saw my grandfathers body when I was 10 years old and though I can still picture it, it doesn’t haunt me or make me feel sad. I’m glad I got to see him and say goodbye. I’ve viewed a few bodies since and even sadly had to identify my DP after a traumatic death where the police advised a man to do it instead incase I was too upset by his injuries but once I saw him, I was so glad. Yes, there an injury but he truly looked at peace and not scared or in pain. Had I not seen him myself I think I’d have conjured up all sorts of images due to the nature of his death. Equally, I know people that choose not to view bodies as it upsets them. It’s so personal but something I find comforting. Only you can decide, don’t be pressured one way or another. Sorry for your loss xx

Couldn't really count how many I've seen, as an Irish person. I think my first was a school teacher when I was about 13 or 14. I think the whole school went as a mark of respect! I would be very upset to miss the viewing for a close relative or friend.

I viewed a recently deceased relative and I bitterly regret it. It was horrible.
I'm glad this thread came up though because it's just occurred to me I don't have to do that ever again. I've decided definitely not to see my parents when they die.

When I was a child and my lovely nan died my parents took me and my sister to see her body. I was 9 and sister was 7. I found it helpful because I could see she was no longer with us and it helped me realise it was just her body left but my poor sister was traumatised. It's such an individual thing. Since then I've seen my partners mum and a close friend but they were both still in the hospital less than an after they passed. They both looked very peaceful and I had a sense their spirits were still close by and so i talked to them and said goodbye. The one I will never forget was the funeral of an 8 year old girl in our community who was run over. The family were Catholic and chose and open coffin at the funeral and every was going up to pay their respects so I felt I should too. That was very distressing 😥

I sat next to my beloved gran’s for two hours after she died at home. Helped the nurse move her into a straight position, and waited there until the undertakers arrived. I would totally get someone not wanting to see their deceased relative or friend and would never judge this, yet get that some feel the need to. I have no regrets. It was awful but nowhere near the hardest part of the bereavement journey.

I saw my granny.
She wasn’t there, just a husk.
I wouldn’t want to see a dead body again

Yes, three days at the most.
Two months is a long time.

I would, I find it cathartic and easier to say goodbye. But I'm used to it as it's normal in my family.

I would say no for me personally.
I was with a relative when they passed away and even in that immediate hour after they died they already looked different to me. Sounds a bit dramatic but my sibling and I both said the same thing. I went to the loo for a quiet sob and came back and the change looked so obvious all at once.
I saw an uncle years ago in an open casket and he was so ‘made up’ and rouged that he looked a bit like a shiny clown and not like my uncle at all.
This was probably around 30 years ago now and I’m sure there would be more sophisticated techniques now to but it’s put me off.

I wouldn't, but it is a very personal decision, and very much borne out of what the tradition of your culture is.

I saw both my Mum and my Dad within less than an hour of each of them dying, and I am glad I did. With my Mum particularly, all the strain had gone from her face, and she looked really at peace.

However I know of people who have gone to 'view' a body some time later, and have been horrified.

I saw my dad shortly after he died and it was the worst decision I ever made, the image haunts me to this day but I agree that it depends on the circumstances, my dad was dying for some days so I had closure, however in some circumstances maybe it can help?

OP I would think really carefully about this, perhaps talk to friends or close relatives and ask about their experiences?

For me personally I was sort of forced into seeing the open casket by the funeral director.. who said it is fine and most are unbothered. Anyhow I am still traumatised by this a few years along the line, often seeing this image when in my sleep etc. It’s ruined my life to be honest, all the therapy in the world has made zero difference. I remember not being able to eat for about two weeks and lost a stupid amount of weight. Even now I cannot think about eating certain foods because of the direct correlation with what I saw in that room. I don’t think I will ever be able to get the image out of my brain. I’ve subsequently been diagnosed with PTSD.

However other close friends didn’t seem bothered about it in the slightest so maybe I am the odd one out. Others have also said it helped bring about closure and the chance to say goodbye- I think it’s a very personal decision and won’t be the same for everyone I wish you all the best with what you decide, sorry for your loss 💐

I was with my younger brother when he died (and in the hours after) and saw him in his casket two weeks later, the afternoon before his funeral.
It didn't affect me negatively seeing him after 2 weeks, but I knew then that the very essence of him was gone. His body was just a vessel.

It's a deeply personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer here.

My 3 experiences

I viewed my Nan, I had a lot of pressure from my parents. I wish I hadn’t as it really wasn’t her, the way they made her look, the last memory I now have of her is now that.

My friends brother, traumatic circumstances his body was left unattended too long and it was scorching hot. There was a very unpleasant odour and the embalming, the way he looked was horrible.

Third was my Dad. I really didn’t want to view him but gave in. I’m glad I did. He died in traumatic circumstances too, I didn’t make it, he’s died seconds before I got there. I first saw him in the a&e with lots of blood. Then in the room they lay out bodies in. He didn’t have his false teeth in, his hair was scruffy and he basically look like a stranger. I got the courage up to see him laid out the night before his funeral and I’m glad I did. He looked more like him, hair smart, teeth in which filled his face out and a smart suit, he was a very proud man when it came to his appearance and know he would have wanted us all to remember him as he was laid out not as we saw him in the aftermath of his death.

Every situation is different. Don’t feel pressure though, do it for you.

Also I wanted to add that if you choose to view there’s a very big chance your loved one will look different to what you’re used to. They put on copious amounts of makeup and often lipstick, which was very odd for me. Things like hair style are also different. It can make it seem more unreal with the above factors.

One thing which was also shocking was the overwhelming scent (I’ve heard it’s a combination of lillies and formaldehyde) that lingers on your clothes for days.

Just know that your loved one wouldn’t want you to feel even more shocked/saddened by feeling you have to see them one last time if you don’t wish to. It may be far more beneficial to keep the happy and lasting memories instead.

It's up to you.

I said goodbye to my husband before the undertakers took him away from our house.

I didn't want to view him later, but on the day of the funeral the undertakers asked if I wanted a moment, so they opened up the back of the hearse and I said goodbye again to the closed casket.