View open coffin or not?

[Darkclothes]

We have the option of viewing the open or closed coffin for a close relative. Any pros/cons of either decision please? If you viewed one open- did you regret it?

I went to see my Mum along with my Dad in the funeral home. Neither of my siblings wanted to go so I went primarily to support my Dad.

I am so glad I did.

She looked the same really but as if she was a shell almost. It's hard to describe.

But, I am so glad that I went to see her. I feel, for me, it was the full circle and the final moment and (I hate the phrase) closure. I would definitely have regretted it had I not taken that last chance to see her. I remember what she looked like there but it is not a bad memory and I have many wonderful memories of her when she was alive that are far more prevalent and happy.

I saw my Granny and my Mum with the coffins open. Wish I hadn't seen my Granny as she was very gaunt and in a weird satin shroud thing.
But seeing Mum was lovely. I spent about an hour with her playing music and chatting.
Dad then went to see Mum and asked me to go with him. That was weird because he took photos. I never want to see them.
There's no wrong answer, do whatever feels right to you.

It's cultural too. I'm in Ireland and it's normal in my area to bring the body home a few days before the funeral. Our funerals are quicker though and usually within three or four days, maybe that makes a difference? For us it's not strange.

I was 14 when I saw my first body and it was my dad. Id never knew him well so for me seeing the body was good in a strange way as he wasn't struggling to breathe and was peaceful.

If you can't believe they've gone and you need that closure, for example because you weren't there at the time, then it can maybe help.

They don't look asleep imo. There's something definitely "empty" about a dead body to me and they're definitely gone.

But whatever you think is most helpful for you.

It is a very personal thing. I have had to do this twice. Never again. But everyone's experience is different.

I saw my brother in the morgue - not a coffin, which sounds worse to me. I think it helped in the long term as his death was sort of a shock and I still have lots of dreams where he’s alive. Having seen him helps me remember that’s not true - even often during the dreams. Especially in the early days.

My grandfather died when my father was a boy, and he was made to look at the open casket. When my father died I chose not to look.

I went to see my friend's body after she had died of cancer. She was young and looked extraordinarily peaceful. She had been taking steroids and looked in the peak of health to be honest but she was long gone. It wasn't in the slightest bit traumatic or upsetting but I don't think I would view an older person and I'm having a direct cremation so no one will be visiting me.

i tend to go - it helps me process the death. lost two people close to me in lockdown and didn't get to see them before they died or when in casket. still makes me uncomfy in a weird way - like i don't believe they have gone.

recently my mil passed and her death was not a nice one. they did their best at the funeral home but she looked nothing like her as a person - more like a prop for an 80's horror. and it is has unsettled me.

basically no one can tell you - you have to make your own mind up x

I went to see my Dad and due to culture we had an open coffin on his funeral. As you can see by my user name I am still suffering since 18 years since dad passed. He was young 46, I saw him in the chapel of rest he looked less like himself, I saw him as he’d just died - he looked more like himself. I then saw him in the funeral and post autopsy they had sewed his ears on wrong. It didn’t look like him to me. It was so so so sad, it is such a deep grief I can barely look at photos of dad today.

It seems that people have very different experiences, seeing my Mother was an amazingly peaceful experience.

All her pain and swelling had gone and her face looked absolutely beautiful, even in her late 80's.

I am extremely glad I went, it was her beautiful body that had been so strong during life but her light had gone somewhere else.

I have seen a a few dead people. They do make a lasting impression and it is an unsettling one particularly if you have known/met the person whilst alive (even briefly, in my case as a doctor and in other healthcare roles). It is like a strange, sad, off coloured, cold and empty version. Like somebody has somehow constructed an imitation but what they've made is wrong. Nevertheless, not frightening, not disgusting. Peaceful.

And as well as what you see there will be other sensory aspects - the smell will be wrong (even if no unpleasant smells there will be a very different smell than in life) and there will be silence, stillness and a very different feel (if you touch).

Nevertheless I think I would choose to view my own loved ones. I just think if you choose to do so you must be prepared. It is the small details that connect the body to the person they were, like the hair, the hands, items worn. Try to remember that whatever expression you see on the face means nothing. The face changes the most, especially the eyes and mouth. You could consider viewing the body but not seeing the face.

To me it does not feel like seeing the person you knew, it feels like seeing something they've left behind, just a dead body. There's a closure in that but I think maybe it could be upsetting if you are hoping or expecting to see the person you knew one last time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m Irish so spent my whole life going to open coffin wakes since I was a baby! My own 3.5 year old was at one just last week

guess it’s a cultural thing - we are well used to it in our family and not phased at all / in fact I quite like it - to spend some time with the person before they are buried

but get how it could be difficult if it’s not something you are used to

do you think the people coming would
be ok with it or be shocked ?

I've viewed two grandparents after they've passed away and with my Grandad I think it was an important way to accept that he was really gone. With my Granny it was strange, she looked really different with whatever they did to her and she didn't look like her... my mum and I were shocked/upset but also had to laugh as she did look a bit funny (she wouldn't have minded as had a sense of humour and I think with death you do have to make light of things sometimes)

I think it can be helpful for closure sometimes if relatives haven't seen the person in a while or really want to see them one last time. I'm sorry for your loss xxx

My mum died at home so I got to sit with her a good while after her death - I'm glad I got the chance to. We're Irish in London so many of the relatives came over and they did go to see her in an open casket at the funeral home. I didn't go there though as wasn't sure how I'd feel after. My brothers couldn't face any of it and that was their choice.

It depends on your last images. If they were difficult, then there's a chance seeing them at rest will be of some help. If you last saw them when they were well, or in death at peace, I wouldn't risk it.

I was with, and caring for, Mum when she passed of cancer. I stayed with her for the doctors visit and then her removal by the funeral directors later that evening - saying goodbye as she left her house. Id seen her in pain, die and then lie in peace. These are the images that come back to me. I could think of no good reason to see her again in the funeral home and stand by my decision.

However, had I seen her last in pain - it may have been helpful.

Mixed opinions on this thread.

I wonder if it's done to the undertaker's techniques/ expertise in preparing the body.

As per PPs, I'm Irish It's a normal thing for me. But it's entirely a personal decision.

It’s a very personal thing any loved ones I’ve seen have been at their family home (in Scotland) though I know they have had other family members who have asked that the coffin is closed for them coming in which it has been, for me if someone has had a long term illness I take comfort in how peaceful they look but again it’s a very personal thing x

I (along with my daughter, sister and brother in law) were there when my mum died. We went to see her again 10 minutes later.

It was no longer Mum laying there. Sure, it was her body, but whatever it was that made Mum, Mum, had gone.

I'd never advise someone to see the body of a dead relative.

My mums family is Irish. Open coffins are completely normal in my family. I have seen many people at home in an open casket.

Mum died at home in her bedroom. The paramedics put her in the bed while we waited to see if police wanted to attend as it was a sudden death at home (they didn’t) and the funeral directors.

I felt at peace seeing her in her bed. I could tell she wasn’t there anymore. I saw her at the funeral home and we brought her home the night before the funeral. Had prayers and visitors and so on. My daughter was 17 and it took her a while to look at her but she is glad she did. I didn’t feel like I was burying my mum. Everything that made her, her was gone and her body was a shell. We were saying goodbye to her body.

But I also think it’s a very personal decision. It has definitely been right for us. But that doesn’t mean it is for everyone.

I lost my teenage son to cancer in April. I was there when he passed away and he looked very peaceful, he just went a bit pale.

I went with my daughter to visit him in the chapel of rest. It wasn't something I wanted to do more that I felt that I should do.

People say they look like they are sleeping, but my son looked dead. I walked into the room and immediately backed up against the wall. He looked grey and his face seemed sunken and his mouth didn't look how it would normally rest. His skin felt much colder than I expected and firmer too. My daughter left me with him so I could say my own personal goodbye and I felt a bit scared of him. I kept thinking he would jump up and frighten me and I just felt awkward. I didn't see him in his coffin, that would have been a step too far for me, he was on a bed with some kind of net curtain looking blanket over his legs.

My daughter was fantastic, chatting to him and joking about the ugly blanket, she was amazing and she's only 17, but the image of him is not something I will ever forget, but at the same time I don't regret seeing him because it really helped me accept that he was gone. It is such a personal choice to go or not, and not something I would do again.

@Downtoyou I'm so sorry for the loss of your son

Thank you everyone for their replies and thoughts. I would have added more info into the OP- but honestly didn't expect any replies.

We aren't Irish and no one else in the family has had an open coffin. Some family, including myself, feel the deceased would not have wanted this at all, which makes it even more awkward.
The person died 2mths ago in a sudden, non violent manner, so our last memories are happy, doing day to day things. Not in a hospice after a long illness etc.

That's an interesting point @Darkclothes - Irish funerals are on 3 or 4 days usually. 2 months is a long time to us.

I saw my nan the day before she died and she already looked like a corpse, albeit one propped up and moving. It was shocking to see how her face had changed in just a few days. Like a skeleton with skin on and not like my Nan at all.
I decided I didn’t want to see her after her death. I had to try and erase that last image of her and remember her how she had looked in her prime.