The thoughtless things people say..

[blackheartsgirl]

It’s been just over 3 years now for me.. I have had a huge wobble the past couple of days, about my late dh and my late dm (ten months)

A close friend today who is still married, has both her parents, siblings who live close by and helpful children made me feel like shit as she was quite smug over how she manages her teens, then said you know I’m virtually a single parent as dh works long hours and I do the majority of it all and I just get on with it ( she also works less hours than me)

No one gets it. At all.

really struggling at the moment.

People are often in their little bubble. My partner killed himself nearly 3 years ago. There have been some friends who just don't get that I am not 'better'. I read somewhere that grief is like a wave; sometimes it is lapping at your toes and other times it crashes into.i. Be kind to.yourself OP.

My darling mum died suddenly earlier this year. Lots of people asked me if she had cancer when they were sympathising. It just felt like such a rude and intrusive question, like what business is it of an acquaintance. Someone approached me after a few weeks offering to buy her house. I haven’t even sorted her things even now and this was months ago.
I generally feel that most people were a huge disappointment and I’ve stepped away from them. I’ve become much closer to the wonderful friends and family who were truly kind and caring.

Oh op, some people are just utterly thoughtless. They tiptoe around for a week then you're suddenly expected to be over it.

Two of my children have died and I've had people with kids the same age as mine telling me they hug their kid a bit tighter when they think of my losses, or they say "well at least you know you can have kids/you have other children/you're still young", one woman in particular came to my door to tell me how lucky I was to have even had two children die as she never got to experience being a parent at all.

It's so true that you find out who your real friends are at these moments 💐

The thoughtlessness comes in all different forms so I try not to look for it. Just the fact that people want to ask how you're doing and actually want a summary can be thoughtless. Why do they imagine you'd like to give a CV of how you're coping? Why do they want you to recount the ways that this summer's holiday was very different from last summer's?
Hang in there. Consider, just letting the tears flow when they ask you anything. This will put them off totally.

Oh @FatmanandKnobbin! That really takes the biscuit. Sympathy and NO questions!!

People say stupid things. ALL THE TIME.

I have started just staring at people and smiling. Without blinking.

That's made me feel a bit sick! I can't believe people would be so thoughtless! I'm so sorry for your unimaginable losses!

I'm ten years on now from losing my husband and gradually over time my circle has become smaller and smaller and I've been left with the most wonderful tight friends
I had "so what exactly was it that killed him?" Off a mum at school I wasn't even close to
I had his friends mum sat to me in Asda "oh you don't look as bad as everyone is saying" 🫥
Also I had the "I'm the same as you" even through their kids went to their dads every weekend 😑
Also another saying she was a golf widow 🫠
Take care of you 💞 have a wobble and a cry
I'm sending you a huge squeeze 🤗💞

Most people haven't a clue, can't deal with death and tbh why should they? they've their own lives & worries, other peoples tragedies don't remain at the forefront of their lives for very long, they forget.

My partner drowned many years ago, a few months later i was with a few friends and having a drink in a pub, one started telling a joke about some celeb and drowning (yes i know) half way through, she realised what she was saying and i could almost see her trying to suck the words back into her mouth, her face turned a brighter shade of red than the Merlot she was drinking, i didn't mind.

Its the "friends" who avoided me that i have the greatest disregard for, not the ones that made some stupid unintended remark.

I had this too. I lost my first born baby, my son. He died in my arms an hour after he was born. I had people saying to me 'oh well, you are still young, you can have another baby'. At the time I just wanted to scream at them that I didn't want 'another' baby, I wanted 'that' baby. MY baby that I had just lost. People are well meaning but can be so bloody insensitive.

People reap what they sow and her time will come.

Stay strong, stay positive and focus on the happy times, this should help you one day at a time.

Keep your distance from those who drain you, such as the clueless woman you mentioned in your post. Try to surround yourself with people who are kind and positive.

As the days turn to weeks and the weeks into years, you'll see how time is the greatest healer of all.

I want to thump my cousin every time he says his wife is a single parent during the week as he works away Monday to Friday term time

wtf! I am sorry that all of you have had to endure thoughtless comments too. My jaw dropped at Fatmanandknobbin post, how you didn’t lamp her I don’t know.

people don’t know how to deal with death, and they can never empathise until it happens to them,

I am really surprised at my friend tbh, she was absolutely brilliant when my dh was ill, she helped me in my wedding day (hospital marriage)and took my dd3 in when I was with dh in the hospice and she has been supportive but I’ve always felt that she does have a lack of emotion and imagination.

i got more sympathy and no judgement at the lovely office I clean in the morning, the women there made me cups of tea and gave me hugs without saying anything and told me to just do their bins and the toilets and get off home, they’d survive. And there are 3 fellow cleaners at the afternoon job who are brilliant too.

hugs to you all 💐

My husband died almost 3 years ago. I'm on a massive downer at the moment. I wonder if it ever gets easier.
I joined a bereavement group and 8 of us have been on a couple of trips away. We're away for the 3rd time in a couple of weeks time. But in the meantime, of the 10 of us going to Budapest and Vienna, there are now 2 couples. One is super considerate of our feelings but the other is like a pair of giddy teenagers, never apart, lots of touching and even a kiss whilst out with us. Don't get me wrong I wish them the absolute best, but the reminder of what the rest of us have lost is excruciating. I'm seriously considering cancelling because my pain is still too much. If other bereaved people can't see that then maybe we shouldn't expect it from those who've never endured it.
Lots of love and hugs to everyone in this awful situation ❤️❤️

When I lost my son in an accident someone told me at least he wasn't murdered and I knew what had happened to him so I guess we can both count our blessings that we are very lucky can't we? It's unbelievable what some people come out with and I am so sorry for your loss xx

When my second baby was stillborn, I had some corkers including "well it was natures way" and "at least you were spared a disabled child" as well as the "well at least you can have others". I was literally on the floor with grief and I don't honestly know how people could have been so thoughtless.

My Dad died 18 months ago and again it certainly shows you the relatives you can rely on. Very few. I feel like I'm wading through quicksand missing him.

I was widowed at 46 and feeling like I was struggling to cope with everything I rang a widows support group in my town to hopefully get some support from other widows who were going through similar. I was told "oh dear, you're too young, we don't have any young widows - you’ll have to try elsewhere” that's really helped me!

My brother died very suddenly and my SiL who'd just had a baby said to me "oh well, never mind, we've all got Lucy now" like she could replace my brother with Lucy. I just hope that one day she learns what it's like to lose a loved one.

I lost my little sister at 18yrs old the youngest of My Mums three children. Someone in the village was attempting to comfort my Mum on one of the rare occasions she went out and delivered the line “and you’re to old to have another one” Pretty incredible really.

I can only put it down to a massive brain melt in the face of reflecting on how they might feels.It taught me to always get on the front foot and mention it to prevent the same thing happening to me.

Also as PP have mentioned to really cherish the ones that were there and helped us through as they outnumber the ones who didn’t. 25 yrs now and still miss her. X

Most people haven't a clue, can't deal with death and tbh why should they? they've their own lives & worries, other peoples tragedies don't remain at the forefront of their lives for very long, they forget.

Yes. While there are some awful examples here, in most cases, people just forget. And as a widow myself, in some ways I'm glad they do. Life moves on, and I don't want to be the centre if a pity party for the rest of my life.

I know that my friends haven't forgotten my late DH. But I don't expect them to have my loss at the front of their minds all the time. Which is there it would need to be if they were to constantly be on eggshells, policing everything that pops into their heads, before they speak.

Yes you’re right and I generally just get on, life’s has returned to my new normal and I never mind if friends accidentally put their foot in it, which has happened, and they look horrified, I giggle at thier stricken faces and put their minds at ease and then we have a laugh about it. That’s fine, I do t mind that. It’s just the really shit comments that wind me up saying that their busy married life is akin to widowed single parent hood that upsets me. My close friend really should know better.

Oh gosh, I know people can be clumsy with their words with the bereaved, but these stories are absolutely shocking. I am so sorry that you have all had to experience this when you are so bravely going through the unimaginable.

I haven't experienced the kinds of losses that you all have, but in life it seems to be the dreaded words "At least ...." that you just know are the start of something totally outrageously insensitive.

I know I can't say anything to make it better but just sending you all lots of love, and if you'll accept it, a big hug ❤

I lost my son in April to cancer, he was 13 years old and I have just returned to work.

Yesterday one of my colleagues said everything happens for a reason, and I asked for what reason would my son be taken from me so young? His response was that it will make my life better in the long run as I will now have a better perspective of life! I suppose I understand what he means, I do want to live a fuller life, but I would rather have my beautiful boy.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Your colleague is an idiot.

Did the friend make that comment in the context of a conversation about your bereavement, blackheartsgirl, ie was she in any way trying to compare the two situations (possibly in a thoughtless and misguided way to try and make you feel less bad)?
If the comment was made in that context I would find it hurtful and wrong. But if it was in any other context I wouldn't find anything wrong with it at all.
People all still have their own life dramas, and still want to talk about them, even when they know you have been through a more painful one.
My son killed himself. Friends still talk to me about what their own children are doing. Almost every conversation that involves children would be taboo if they felt they had to keep my own family circumstances at the forefront of their mind as they spoke.

She was definitely making it in context of my bereavement. I think if it was said in another way ie talking about her own problems etc then fine, I’d have more understanding. I do get it’s hard when your partner works long hours or away, I’ve been there but it’s really not the same when you are on your own with no support at all.

im having a lot of problems with my youngest dd14 too, she’s struggling with grief, is waiting for an assessment for asd/adhd and the amount of pressure I’m under is unreal. My friends response was well my kids aren’t like that, you need to be firmer, more organised, get more sleep,blah blah. and then she started banging on about how supportive her dh is (emotionally)

im obviously a shit inadequate parent compared to her