The thoughtless things people say..

[blackheartsgirl]

It’s been just over 3 years now for me.. I have had a huge wobble the past couple of days, about my late dh and my late dm (ten months)

A close friend today who is still married, has both her parents, siblings who live close by and helpful children made me feel like shit as she was quite smug over how she manages her teens, then said you know I’m virtually a single parent as dh works long hours and I do the majority of it all and I just get on with it ( she also works less hours than me)

No one gets it. At all.

really struggling at the moment.

I don’t mind people talking about their life dramas, another friend has lost her Nan recently plus she’s going through other shit, she’s happily married too but she’s devastated bless her, she was very close to her. She talks to me and says I’m sorry I shouldn’t be talking to you about my loss when you lost your dh. I tell her that she’s being daft and not to be scared to chat to me because everyone’s feelings are valid no matter what the problem is, and she’s grieving. A loss is a loss no matter who it is and yes it is different a profound loss like a child or partner (I’d never tell her that but though, what’s something I hope she’d never have to experience)

im probably saying this all wrong 😂

You're not saying anything wrong!. It does sound like your friend was being a bit smug and insensitive.
I haven't experienced anyone saying anything insensitive to me. The only thing that gets to me a little bit sometimes is when people spend a long time talking about their difficulties(and I try to respond supportively), but then they don't 'get' any of the little cues that it might perhaps be 'my turn' to chip in with my own bit of neediness and get their kind ear and kind responses.

I've put that crudely but I hope you can understand what I mean. Perhaps they are just a bit frightened of coming close to touching on my son's death.

I am sorry @blackheartsgirl . Comments hurt. I lost a twin and I still remember the pain when someone said 'well, at least one of them is okay'. Yes of course, it's like a buy one get one free deal in Tescos. I didn't say it and I know they did not mean it that way. It can still hurt though.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I also have an autistic 14 year old DD and that brings stress in the assessment and SEND stuff let alone on top of 'just' the everyday life stuff and of course grief. You sound like you are doing fantastically in a very difficult situation. I am truly sorry that you are not receiving the support and time to be heard in real life.

"Everything happens for a reason" - like bollocks it does! What an awful thing to say - I am mind-boggled.

Since my OH's death I have found the response of others to be mixed. The best people just give me a hug and let me talk about him (and they talk about him in return) without getting uncomfortable - they understand my need to do this - to not have him written out of my life or the world.

But there have been some shocking responses - one of our best friends with whom we used to go on holiday every year, and who happens to be a vicar, came to the funeral and went off home (about 50 miles away) and never gets in touch. In the four years since he died it is only me who emails - I get a reply, then that is it - zilch. They were among our best friends (or so I thought). I find that very hurtful.

Thankfully no-one has said anything so crudely crass as some of the comments that others have endured; but of course they do talk endlessly about things they are doing as a couple, and I watch them go home from events two by two - I find that very very hard. Not their fault, but it stabs at the heart.

It has been especially hard in the last couple of months as I had a serious illness and coping alone is a huge challenge.

Sending hand holds and a virtual hug to all who have been bereaved. It is a strange new world for us all.

I had huge respect for an older male colleague who came into my office after I was back at work after weeks off following a stillbirth and said "I just wanted to come in and say that I have no idea what I can possibly say". At least he was honest and compassionate and didn't try to avoid me because he was so worried about saying the wrong thing.

'Everything happens for a reason' is a phrase that has no use in any circumstance whatsoever. If I could ban a phrase from every being uttered again, it would be that one. Closely followed by 'be positive'.

I so relate to the couples thing, my friend does nothing without her husband, her kids are old enough to be left like mid teens so I say do you want to go for a coffee or lunch then she says oh no dh is due home soon and I have to get his tea or he’s off today, we want to spend it together. Absolutely fine but it still hurts.

I have gone for walks or to the theatre by myself, no one shares my interests anyway and then well meaning friends say ooo I couldn’t do that, I don’t know how you do it, I have to go with my dh or my mum.. well sweet cheeks I don’t get a bloody choice!

I hate summer, families in the gardens, people in family groups at the beach or stately homes, going on holiday together.

thinking of everybody who feels like we do and have suffered huge losses x

I would have hugged that man. That's basically all I needed from anyone when my husband died. It speaks from the heart and demonstrates that that person fought off all their awkwardness, because they knew you needed your loss to be acknowledged.

Agreed. It was the gutsy and decent thing to do.

Yup. It’s totally untrue - terrible random things do just happen - and it’s not remotely comforting. Maybe it’s a bit different if you are deeply religious, but even if so, keep that philosophy to yourself unless you are absolutely sure the nerves person shares it.

When our adopted son died a “friend” said well it’s not like losing one of your own. Birth son died last year and someone else said, not to me, now she knows what is really like to lose a child! Words fail me.

wtf!! That is truly awful. What is the matter with people. So sorry for your loss

That is beyond imagination .......

I am so sorry for your losses - so very hard.

This.

The worst thing people said when I lost my belived gran last year was…nothing at all. Avoiding me like I had some sort of disease. Giving me space I didn’t want.

My lovely vicar friend was the best. She used to say ‘you talk, I’ll listen. If you don’t want to talk, we can just sit in the quiet. If you want to talk about silly things like work or shoes, I can do that. If it’s too quiet, we can out the radio on’. Was perfect.

Not a word but when my baby son turned one my MIL bought him the twin engines from Thomas the Tank Engine. I had lost his twin..

It wasn't her letting me know she'd remembered, or being thoughtful or showing kindness.

I had a colleague tell me that (when she heard my DH had died the day after we were told his cancer was terminal) that her sister was also (sadly) given a terminal diagnosis but 'she was a fighter and said cancer wasn't going to win and she lived a year after it was expected'.

Also all the 'did he smoke?' comments- as if it makes people feel better if the person somehow did something 'wrong' (he didn't).

I'm so sorry to read your stories, I suppose my loss is less profound than some of the previous posters as it was my dad, which I suppose seems somewhat more in the natural order of things.
It happened relatively recently, but I happen to be pregnant as well and one person said to me that it was just such a shame he didn't live to see his grandchild. As if the thought hadn't occurred to me already.
I know they meant well but christ...

I was in the depths of yet undiagnosed PND, and my health visitor didn’t help matters at all.

I’m not sure why, but the death of my sister was mentioned (she had died 6yrs before my daughter was born). I was sat trying to feed my dd, which I was struggling with, and my HV promptly asked me: “did your sister know she was dying?”.

I must have brought up the fact I didn’t like to sit around in my PJs all day, as it doesn’t help my mood. She then asked me: “is it because your sister would remain in her PJs a lot?”. Ummm, no! I mean, really??

No offence to the lady, but I was relieved to hear she had retired by the time I had my next child.

This is why I get so angry with the talk about "fighting" cancer. It leaves those whose "fight" is inevitably vain feeling they are somehow failing. They have enough to cope with without adding that in.

We don't "fight" cancer - we accept (or not) the treatment and hope to remain reasonably stoic whilst enduring the side effects.

Yes I've had the 'oh I know how you feel my husband works away during the week'. No, it is absolutely not the same thing!
I hated the 'I couldn't do it/you are so strong' comments. Of course you could. Because you'd have to.
What got me for the first couple years, no fault of their own of course, was casual acquaintances who may not have heard that my husband had passed away. So I'd run in to them at this or that and they'd at some point ask 'and how's your husband'? I'd then have to explain.
But my advice to anyone who has a recently bereaved friend, especially one with young kids, is not to say 'let me know if I can do anything', but rather just do it! Don't put the onus on me to ask for a favour. Just tell me you will have my kids for the afternoon so I can do X or Y. Just cook me a couple oven ready meals. Just tell me you will take my kids to school this week.

I lost my mum last November and it’s really knocked me for six. Yes she was 75 and she sadly had cancer and it affected almost as badly ina different way to losing my dh 3 years ago.

it is a different loss but it still has devastated me, my mum was fighting my corner, we were so close and I miss her terribly.

so sorry for the loss of your dad, I lost my dad 17 years ago when my dd2 was 2 weeks old, it still really hurts

I'm shocked at the awful, hurtful comments said to posters here. I guess I've blanked out the things said to me over the years. I'm 8 years on from being widowed but I remember my 'friend' saying that I was lucky I'd have my mortgage paid off when my DH died.
Not the same, but when my DS was born and diagnosed with a genetic syndrome my mother asked 'what does he look like?'
Needless to say I've distanced myself from people who are thoughtless and emotionally immature. My social circle is tiny.
I went through a period of being angry about the lack of understanding but now I know that plenty of people lack any ability to empathise.

People are thoughtless. When my sister was terminally ill, had 2 months to live, my friend said "where there's life there's hope".
I get the sentiment, but there was no hope...
But the worse ones were people who crossed the street to avoid speaking to my mum, I suppose because they didn't know what to say. That's as hurtful as saying something wrong imo.

The most ridiculous comment I had when my Dad died was when my boss called me, and said "Sorry to hear about your Mum" You'd have thought when making a call like that you would at least check that you knew who had died. I was not sure how to respond to that one.

That said I do completely understand why people avoid the bereaved. Not that that is ever the right thing to do. As this thread demonstrates it is so easy to say the wrong thing, and cause more distress without meaning to. At a time when emotions are heightened there often is no right thing to say. I have certainly been guilty of saying the wrong thing, and I kick myself for it, but wouldn't want to say nothing. Not sure what the answer is.

I was on leave to care for my terminally ill husband, but went to see my immediate boss to update her that all palliative treatment had been withdrawn and my DH was expected to die within 10-14 days. Her response? A very abrupt "Don't be so negative. Miracles happen"

I'm a very forgiving person, but I've never forgiven her for that. She was one of those people who would never accept anyone going to her with a work problem. But I never expected her to take that attitude to a personal situation like that. I just gaped at her like a goldfish.