The thoughtless things people say..

[blackheartsgirl]

It’s been just over 3 years now for me.. I have had a huge wobble the past couple of days, about my late dh and my late dm (ten months)

A close friend today who is still married, has both her parents, siblings who live close by and helpful children made me feel like shit as she was quite smug over how she manages her teens, then said you know I’m virtually a single parent as dh works long hours and I do the majority of it all and I just get on with it ( she also works less hours than me)

No one gets it. At all.

really struggling at the moment.

Reading through these stories is sobering. You really find out who your true friends are after a major bereavement and learn quick to disassociate with those who utter smart comments.

Some of the things people said to me were “you can’t be sad forever?!” I mean come on… what a shitty thing to say? I have every right to feel sad, thank you very much.

Another one which took the cake was “ Just get over it”. Again, just truly dreadful! This was said by a supposed friend too, couldn’t have cut the friendship faster if I tried!

Some people are just truly oblivious living in their own worlds.

This truly is endless.

I lost my father last month. He had been ill for a while. I went to stay with my parents for two weeks this summer and, three days later, he passed away. My entire "vacation" was spent with my dying father, I would not have wanted it any other way.

My first meeting with my manager after I came back to work (two days after my DFs funeral), first thing he asks me is "Did you have a nice vacation? Other than, of course, the sad thing that happened". I kept it together and told him I was glad to have spent a lot of time with my father, but it was hard for me to believe he actually said that. I kept feeling furious about it for a week afterwards.

That is so, so horrible. I am so sorry for your loss; this man was absolutely out of order!

I lost my friend to cancer 6 years ago (she was 39) and the amount of people who said she was in a better place astounded me. She isn't in a better place, she's dead and the best place for her to be is here with her husband and 4 children all aged under 12 (at the time).

Still makes me so angry now when I think about it.

Sadly these stupid people haven’t a clue and I hope they never do, but my better side I hope no one is cruel to them. My thoughts are with you all you lovely people and you never get over it do you?

I had something similar happen. I was ringing clients to explain why I wouldn’t be working for a few weeks. One idiot started talking to me about special diets which had cured her friend’s cancer. I’m afraid to say that I said ‘his vital organs are failing and there’s absolutely no diet or miracle cure to fix that. He’s dying and his funeral is already planned’. I just didn’t have the time to be polite or nice or hide around exactly what was happening. I just wanted people to understand my situation at that moment.

Another one that really upsets me is.. your DH wouldn’t want you to be sad ffs.

yes it would break his heart to see us all grieving but he would understand why we are devastated

i also feels it diminishes our emotions and it feels to me the person is saying please don’t cry in front of me I can’t deal with it and I’d rather you go and cry somewhere else.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, too. What I needed was help to come to terms with the situation. Not denial of the facts, and criticism. I imagine that you felt the same

Over the 18 months that we knew DH's condition was terminal, the slightly awkward or daft things that people said didn't bother me really. I recognised that they came from a good place. But that one went straight to the gut.

I really struggled when i lost my mum. I had a number of bereavements but this broke me. I remember my counsellor saying that not everybody can give you what you need so you go to the people who can give a little bit of what you need. It sounds like your friend gives practical support but not very good on the emotional. Accept that and find people who are good.

Mother killed herself recently. Everyone's been great, generally.

Funeral yesterday. Talking to her cleaner, who she liked very much. Nice lady but talks a bit too much. She started asking about my mum's dog. I said, 'Oh she's doing ok, pined at first, of course'. Lady then said 'Poor thing, well, she must have witnessed what your mum did...'

Ah fucking hell, really?! I walked off, wasn't getting into that. My lovely aunt heard and stepped in to change the subject. Just a really crass thing to say.

A friend of mine told me this week that a distant-ish relative of hers doesn't seem too devastated by her (the distant relative's) husband's death. She can't be, because she just took their children on holiday, and is doing all these other normal things... Jeez. I did speak up and say- just what do you expect this woman to do? But what I really wanted to say was, oh so how should this new widow behave then in your eyes? It was just so judgey and horrible.

It made me wonder whether she thinks I don't give a shit my mum died because I too have been on holiday and probably appear OK on the outside...

Some of the comments people are making about Mrs Hinch losing her dad are so horrible , I’ve saw people saying how they haven’t lost a parent yet but basically that she is over the top this maddens me as grief is something so particular to you and no one else will have the same experience of it .
Having proper empathy and emotional self awareness seems to be skills which the vast majority of people lack .

My heart goes out to all of you living with bereavement and I am shocked that horrified by the comments people have made, so cruel.

My very dear friend of more than 30 years, died suddenly in August, she wasn’t ill, she was happy, chatting, making plans, then something happened in her brain and she wasn’t there anymore. If I had a pound for every time someone says “at least she didn’t suffer” or “she wouldn’t have known anything about it” I would be a wealthy woman. But it’s the only comfort we, as friends and family, have, I suppose.

The day I suffered the sudden shocking death of a very close relative, a "friend" who called in announced quite smugly: "We are Christians and we believe death is a very big adventure." Unbelievable.

to everyone who has lost someone they love

Just a few days after my husband's funeral, I picked up a cancellation and took my daughters to Dorset for a last minute holiday. It was incredibly healing. We ( they were 21 and 22) had pulled together to give him the death at home that he wanted, and I was so proud of them. Spending that time, the three of us, back in the normal world and enjoying seaside summer, is one of my favourite memories. I remember looking at them on a boat trip, smiling at each other, and knowing that we'd be okay.

What a beautiful and healing thing to do. I'm glad to hear it brought you all strength. There's no single correct way to grieve.

I’ve saw people saying how they haven’t lost a parent yet but basically that she is over the top

A lot of people did this to me when my mum died in traumatic circumstances when I was 20. There was a lot of bullshit from people telling me I was an adult so I shouldn't even be affected by losing my mum! Or that after 6 months had passed I should have "forgotten" her and moved on. (Who the fuck "forgets" their mum ever existed after she dies?)

All of these people still had two living parents and an embarrassing proportion of the people coming out with this shite were in their 50s with two living parents and zero self-awareness about how dependent they still were on their own parents.

I didn't have the life experience back then to recognise that they were fucking idiots so I internalised their cruel judgements and it made the whole thing even more traumatic.

I still don't like allowing people close to me since that experience.

Argh I relate to your post so much! Experienced similar after the sudden death of a loved one- such horrible, tasteless comments about “finally being with god in heaven” “god took them to be with them in heaven” (??!!) etc. 🙄 what utter shite

You'd hope they people wouldn't push their religious beliefs on you at a difficult time and utter bloody nonsense, but somehow they find the strength to do so?! Really disrespectful.

💐 to you. These kinds of comments are the most upsetting.

It is often said that people say the wrong thing to the bereaved because they feel awkward. I believe this is sometimes the case (and that is to be forgiven) but generally I think it's because they cannot relate on any level until it happens to them. In my experience it is borne through total self absorption.

My nearly three year old daughter died from cancer very suddenly

I also got the ‘it was meant to be’ and ‘at least she didn’t suffer’ because she didn’t have chemo

Turned out she had pre cancerous tissue in her lungs. When I asked the doctor why they didn’t give me any symptoms to look out for she said ‘It wouldn’t have made a difference’ except it would have. I wouldn’t have failed to get her to the hospital in time, she would have got proper pain relief and she wouldn’t have been dragged to school every morning and afternoon in the middle of winter screaming when I had to put a coat on her and then eventually not screaming because she just didn’t have the energy

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness

I don't think I have any words that can adequately convey my sympathy for such a loss.

I'm so very, very sorry to hear about your daughter and I hope you are as ok as you can be after such a traumatic event.

Wishing you the best.

I totally get this. My darling dad died 2 months ago, and I saw an acquaintance the other day who went on and on about how her horse had just been put to sleep and how it was like loosing a family member. I get it, I love animals, so I get it, but it really wasn’t necessary to add the family member bit. Ughh.

Uhhh yeah.

A friend texted me last week to ask how I was doing (it was a month ago). I said 'doing ok thanks, some down days' etc. Then she started going on about the death of her cousin's dog in Australia, it was 'devastating', 'absolutely heartbreaking', an utterly terrible week etc.

They say grief isn't a competition but, really, come on.

Yes, this animal loss thing equating to human is astounding.
Happened recently in my book group - one poor lady had just lost her dad a couple of weeks before and then someone else turned up very publicly distraught about her old dog who she had only adopted a few months before. So thoughtless.

My heart goes out to you Blackheartsgirl, I have had the exact same thing happen to me. In defence of your friend I would say that whilst most people can have some idea of what it is like to lose a husband/wife as we have all been alone at some point, not many people have ever been in the situation of having to look after children on their own without a partner. Mostly they will be together with their partner or the partner is still involved in the children's lives. Either way, they are still there.

When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I was devastated thinking of all the things we would miss out but what genuinely never occurred to me was how difficult it would be bringing up the children on my own. Maybe that was stupid of me but when the first crisis arose after my wife's death, it hit me like an express train when I realised I was going to have to deal with this on my own. I am lucky to have support from others but that does not take away from the fact that the responsibility is now mine and mine alone.

So, I suppose what I am saying is it is not surprising your friend just doesn't understand the abject loneliness and despair you feel when you have got all this to sort. The one thing I would urge you to do is to make sure your friend knows how you feel - if they can't take that on board they aren't much of a friend and, I can assure you that when you explain it to them (in my case in very emotional language) it is quite therapeutic. Don't try to sugar coat it, don't try to be reasonable - let it all out!!

Finally, I know you say you are really struggling, I know exactly how you feel, it is so so difficult and there are no easy answers but I am sure you will keep going. I see you say it is 3 years since your husband died, that is the other problem, whether it is 3 days, 3 months or 3 years, dealing with those problems never gets easier - you just get used to dealing with them on your own. My heartfelt best wishes to you.