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Original poster

Need to offload re. funeral

84 replies

wottawottawotta · 06/08/2023 21:31

My mum died last Saturday night. She was 86 and had a brain tumour. She'd been in a nursing home for 2 months.

My Dad was devoted to her and looked after her spectacularly. However, he completely controlled every aspect of her life, and is still the same now she has died. He didn't keep me well-informed about her state of health, didn't give me enough notice to try and get to see her before she died, didn't accept my offers of help with anything when she was alive, and continues to shut me out now she's gone. I went to stay with him 2 days after she'd died, by which time he and my older sister (lives close by, also very controlling) had already ruled out many options regarding the funeral. I had gone up there expecting to have a conversation about the plans, and listen to everyone's thoughts but instead I was shouted down. My sister and I ended up having an argument, and my Dad slammed out of the room.

I have given in completely, of course, as he keeps reminding me that he's lost his wife of 69 years but nobody seems to acknowledge I've lost my Mum. He's making all the arrangements with consultation / help from his friends and neighbours, and not his daughters. I've bowed out gracefully but I absolutely hate the decisions he's making. It's not what Mum would have wanted. He seems to overlook the fact that she and I talked a lot, and I know things about her tastes and religious beliefs that he probably doesn't know. But my voice is not heard.

I'll suck it up. But it's so hard. I'm cross about it and focussing on the pitiful funeral rather than getting on with grieving for my Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 16:32

@Brokendaughter - thank you. You've been very helpful. It's given me something to plan and look forward to.

@EmmaPaella - thank you. I don't really want to go to my local church for reasons I don't want to go into here. I prefer a bit of distance / anonymity. I'll ponder further and do some Googling!

OP posts:
Original poster
wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 16:35

@GetWhatYouWant - I've just Googled and there's a rose variety with my Mum's name. So I'll get the DH onto that as well. Apparently it has a lovely scent, so that's a bonus. Thanks again for the idea.

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 18/08/2023 16:43

Mischance · 18/08/2023 13:22

I am so glad that your Dad feels more at peace now and has slept well. He did it his way and it was right for him, so that is a real positive.

And that's the most important thing.

Zebedee55 · 18/08/2023 16:48

wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 15:13

@CraftyGin - thank you for your post. I'm not bitter, just disappointed.

The funeral directors did indeed offer all sorts of options but my Dad made all the choices. He and my sister were very closed-minded about the church option, despite wanting a vicar. Ended up being a farce really. All the trappings of a church service but in a horrid room that looked like a cocktail bar. Perfectly nice Norman church across the road with all the usual trappings and a proper organ. Non church-goers make lots of assumptions about whether or not they'd be welcome in a church, and whether or not it'd be hypocritical, and I tried to make it clear to Dad and sister that the Church of England would welcome their business. I work in a church, for goodness sake. I know what I'm talking about.

I realise it's not unusual re. the coffin / crematorium but it didn't feel right to me. And I didn't get a say.

But it wasn't about you. It was about your dad saying goodbye to your mum. She wasn't Catholic, you don't seem that close to it, so I don't really get what you want. If you want to remember her, then buy a rose and keep it in your garden.

Mischance · 18/08/2023 16:55

I really think you have to let this go now. The funeral served its main purpose which was to bring peace to your Dad - it succeeded.

How does it help to keep going over what you wanted? Just be thankful that your Dad feels more at peace. Let it drop now and don't even hint to your Dad that you feel dissatisfied.

I am widowed and any such criticisms would have reduced me to a weeping heap.

Original poster
wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 17:08

@Mischance - how does it help you to keep reading and commenting negatively on posts which you don't agree with. I think its quite ghoulish to stalk bereavement boards and actively patronise someone who is grieving. Rather strange behaviour from you.

@Zebedee55 - I've already addressed the religion issue if you"d read the thread. My Dad wanted a religious ceremony but wouldn't go to the local c of e church nor the crem Chapel. And the service we ended up with was not great. I haven't said anywhere that I wanted a Catholic funeral as, indeed, my mother wasn't Catholic. However I want to do something religious myself for her memory, just me alone, and the Catholic Mass intention came to mind. I'm a Catholic convert but not a regular church goer. Happy now?

OP posts:
Original poster
wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 17:09

@Mischance - I am criticising the funeral on an anonymous board to get it off my chest, not to my Dad. Just calm down.

OP posts:
GetWhatYouWant · 18/08/2023 18:47

wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 16:35

@GetWhatYouWant - I've just Googled and there's a rose variety with my Mum's name. So I'll get the DH onto that as well. Apparently it has a lovely scent, so that's a bonus. Thanks again for the idea.

I'm so glad there is one, I think that with forgetmenots at the base of it would look lovely.

Mischance · 18/08/2023 19:49

wottawottawotta · 18/08/2023 17:09

@Mischance - I am criticising the funeral on an anonymous board to get it off my chest, not to my Dad. Just calm down.

My understanding is that you had argued with your father and family prior to the funeral and said that you were not happy with his arrangements. And that he has felt it necessary since to talk with you about it.

You have a right to your grief; as does he. Thankfully it seems that the funeral he put in place has given him some comfort.

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