Need to offload re. funeral

[wottawottawotta]

My mum died last Saturday night. She was 86 and had a brain tumour. She'd been in a nursing home for 2 months.

My Dad was devoted to her and looked after her spectacularly. However, he completely controlled every aspect of her life, and is still the same now she has died. He didn't keep me well-informed about her state of health, didn't give me enough notice to try and get to see her before she died, didn't accept my offers of help with anything when she was alive, and continues to shut me out now she's gone. I went to stay with him 2 days after she'd died, by which time he and my older sister (lives close by, also very controlling) had already ruled out many options regarding the funeral. I had gone up there expecting to have a conversation about the plans, and listen to everyone's thoughts but instead I was shouted down. My sister and I ended up having an argument, and my Dad slammed out of the room.

I have given in completely, of course, as he keeps reminding me that he's lost his wife of 69 years but nobody seems to acknowledge I've lost my Mum. He's making all the arrangements with consultation / help from his friends and neighbours, and not his daughters. I've bowed out gracefully but I absolutely hate the decisions he's making. It's not what Mum would have wanted. He seems to overlook the fact that she and I talked a lot, and I know things about her tastes and religious beliefs that he probably doesn't know. But my voice is not heard.

I'll suck it up. But it's so hard. I'm cross about it and focussing on the pitiful funeral rather than getting on with grieving for my Mum.

I'm sorry. That sounds really hard. I hope you can find some small time/place/ceremony of your own to say goodbye to your mother in a way that is meaningful for you, and meaningful for your relationship with her, and your knowledge of her wishes.

@Random789 - thank you. I was worried I sound like a spoilt brat, which is probably what my Dad and sister think. I'm on the verge of actually not going (we don't have a date yet) but that would look so bad. I'm definitely planning to do something myself for her. Absolutely dreading the organised event though.

I'm so sorry, OP. My mum died a month or so ago and my stepdad made sure I was involved with everything and we sat down and talked about what mum wanted and met with the celebrant and funeral directors together. Your dad is grieving but so are you. Losing your mum is horrible, I still can't really believe it's happened, and it must be even harder when you are having to deal with this kind of thing.

I agree about finding some way to say goodbye in a way that feels genuine and authentic to you and your mum. It might help to think about the funeral being more about those left behind and think of it more as an event for your dad and sister, and then have some small ceremony or remembrance for you and your mum's relationship and for that to be your goodbye. But it's tough and you are not spoiled. You've lost your mum and it's fucking awful.

I think you'll just have to go through the motions of the funeral. Arguing isn't going to help so I think you need to protect yourself by stepping back and letting your dad sort it.

It might not be quite what your mum would have chosen but I'm working on the basis that most funerals have a fairly standard format and hopefully there's not anything wildly outrageous in his choices.

I agree with the previous poster that you should also do something of your own afterwards that can be your own personal ceremony.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I understand OP. My suggestion - have your own little ceremony for your mum - maybe just you, or you, your DP and your kids. Or a friend.
It can be a reading of a poem or a prayer in a special place, an afternoon tea, a walk on a beach with her favourite flowers thrown in the sea. Say goodbye to her there, celebrate her life in your way in a way that she would have loved and understood.
The funeral is public - and your little ceremony would be private. There's very little you can do about the funeral. Let it go.
In the end no-one can take away from the fact that you and your mum had your own special relationship - and she will always be your mum.
I am so sorry for your loss. And for how this has all been handled.

Sorry - I realise I was so slow to type - everyone else has said similar.

I want to go full-on and have a Catholic Mass said for her. Anyone know how I go about that? I grew up C of E but converted to Catholicism as an adult but am already lapsed (long story). But I trust the Catholics to do it properly.

I'm sorry for your loss, rant away.

The first few days are horrendous. I thought I was quite respectful and hands off trying to give DM the right level of support after my Dad died, but she still managed to find ill in most things I did and said some truly horrendous things.

In the long run, the funeral isn't what people, especially you, will remember of your mum. Let your dad do his thing, and you find your own way to pay your respects.

All the best.

This is going to sound very harsh, so I will start by saying I have been there (twice as I have lost both parents now), I know the physical pain of losing a parent, I know the huge mum/dad shapes hole the leave behind, and I am so sorry for your loss.

You dad has lost his life long partner, sorry but that does gazzump your feelings of losing your mum.

I would have done my dads funeral very differently to what my mum chose, but it was her husband, her choice. I made suggestions if asked and accepted it they were not adopted into the service.

Noone can change how you are grieving and how you remember your mum privatly but the funeral service your dads place. Fighting against that, even silently or privately is just going to cause you extra pain you wont need right now. Go with the fkow for the service do for own thing privately.

I went to a Catholic mass that was dedicated to a family member who'd died and had had a funeral abroad. It was public in that the regular congregation were there, but the priest said some words about the deceased and mentioned the family and friends, and then after most people had left, the priest performed a small ceremony with holy water with the family. I think it was called something like a memorial mass. Just phone the parish office and ask to speak to a priest about it.
Sorry for your loss 🌷

But was your mother a Catholic, OP?

This is my question too.

OP, grieving is for the living. If your dad needs things to be as he needs them, and you need a Mass, both can happen in their time.

The annoying things my Dad has done (short list):

• can't see that my Mum saying she wanted a simple funeral (if, indeed, she said anything at all) doesn't mean it can't also be beautiful, meaningful and dignified
• he wants a religious element but, backed by my awful sister, refuses to have the funeral in a church, or even in the crematorium chapel
• instead it'll be in the 'room above the shop' of the funeral directors, which is the naffest place I've ever seen. It's a cross between something from Gilead and a lap-dancing club. Awful. Naff.
• he wants music so his friend (who plays organ / piano) is going to play for it (which is great) but as there's no organ, he'll have to bring his own keyboard. Obviously the church across the road has an organ ...
• he wants a clergyman, so the funeral director organises that and gets someone in and charges £1k on top of the funeral package - raking it in, as I bet the vicar gets a tiny fraction of that. Obviously the church across the road has a vicar ....
• I'm a musician and also work for a church. I could have advised re. the music, liaised with the vicar / organist, booked some singers to swell the congregational singing. And my colleague offered to design the order of service and print it at work, free of charge (she does this all the time as her job, and is well-placed to do a lovely job). But no, the naff funeral director will do it, and charge extra for it.
• Dad doesn't want to accompany the coffin to the crematorium afterwards, so we all just walk away and leave it and the funeral director will 'deal with it'. I was given no say in this bit.
• Dad dropped casually into the conversation that he's planning to take the ashes abroad to where my brother lives (my brother isn't coming over for the funeral) - no asking me if I mind. I actually don't mind at all, but I might have done. Would have been nice to have been asked.
• I didn't have a close relationship with Mum in recent years (it's always been complicated. Dad is controlling and I've always rebelled about that) but I do know what her favourite hymns were and I do know that she strongly believed in an afterlife. I also feel pretty sure she'd hate the bloody naff Gilead lap-dancing club venue.
• Because Dad has 'simple' on his mind, he's opted for a wicker coffin which is an extra £650 on the bill (the standing package included an oak veneer one). Mum wouldn't have been impressed with that cost.
• He talks all the time about his lovely friends and neighbours and seems to value their opinions above mine. The next door neighbours will probably be running the aftershow party. I'm grateful for that, actually, as it's nice that Dad is surrounded by such kind people but it makes me look a bit stupid that I'm not involved.

Your mother doesn’t have to have been Catholic to have a mass offered for her. So sorry for your loss OP and the shitfest you are having to endure. Any priest will organise a mass for you❤️

@WorryWorryWort - I do see your point, and have been telling myself as much, but all the focus is on him losing his wife, not his children losing their mother. I realise it would have been different had she died when we were all young. The selfishness and stubbornness (not to mention his controlling behaviour) actually makes me less open to being around to support him when all this is over. He frustrated me greatly during her illness, and now the funeral. I'm close to being completely done with him.

Mum wasn't Catholic. She didn't go to church but I know she believed in God. But, mostly it's for me to make up for the funeral that she won't really be having.

I’m sorry that you’ve lost your mum and it sounds like your relationship might have been strained recently which is even more difficult. Anger is really normal after losing someone close. However I really do think you should just try and let it go. It is the norm for the spouse to arrange the funeral and it probably won’t be as you would have liked. He is next of kin and presumably he hasn’t asked you to contribute financially. If he pays the f in real director it’s less worry aa he knows it will alol be done without chasing a friend of a friend type thing. Not everyone likes
chuches. Ideally your mum would have left instructions. Have a mass or memorial separately to remember your mum in your own way.

I lost my Dad in January, and having to deal with my sister throughout his illness and death nearly killed me as well. She objected to every single decision and made every step of the process harder than it needed to be.

Let them get on with it. Your Mum isn't here to see it and it's just one or two hours of one day. It's not who your Mum was, it's about a show for the living. Find your own path to remember your Mum/pay tribute to her in a way that means something to you and no one else.

I've gone back to NC with my sister thankfully, and can slowly feel my stress levels diminishing. If people make you this upset, they're not worthy of a place in your life. I'm sorry you've lost your Mum

Then you can talk about a Mass with your local priest.

The naffness and expense and your dad and all of that, none of it is important. Your distance from your mum and how hard that makes her death, and your feelings about your dad and sister, and all the emotions. That's a lot to deal with. Could you speak to a counsellor, one who understands grief and family dynamics? I suspect your anger is a combination of grief and guilt and frustration and powerlessness.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this on top of losing your mum.

@MrsTerryPratchett - yes I'm recognising these things. I'm trying to arrange counselling as I want to let it all out! I have so much to say!

@MillWood85 - I'm sorry you had a difficult time with your sister. I was forced to be civil to mine for my mum's sake but now Mum has gone, I'm having nothing more to do with her. That's one person definitely cut out of my life and not before time.

@BungleandGeorge I was prepared to do all the admin and the chasing and Dad wouldn't have needed to worry. I'm very good at organising things and used to dealing with clergy. He just didn't want to relinquish control. Frankly I'm not impressed at all with the funeral directors.

@wottawottawotta
sorry for your loss. It’s very difficult when you don’t feel you have any say, especially if you feel you know what your Mum would’ve wanted.

re these two bits from your post above:

• Dad doesn't want to accompany the coffin to the crematorium afterwards, so we all just walk away and leave it and the funeral director will 'deal with it'. I was given no say in this bit.
• Dad dropped casually into the conversation that he's planning to take the ashes abroad to where my brother lives (my brother isn't coming over for the funeral) - no asking me if I mind. I actually don't mind at all, but I might have done. Would have been nice to have been asked

1. is there any reason (other than pissing your Dad off) that you can’t accompany her her to the crem and join them afterwards, if indeed they are going on anywhere?
2. you could ask the funeral director for some of your Mum’s ashes. (Even discreetly if you think your Dad might flip about this). They’ll put aside a small amount for you. Then you couid either keep them at home, or scatter them somewhere meaningful, or have them made into something (there’s lots of options now).

Wow that was a long post of complaints. Wanting a catholic funeral when your mum wasnt catholic rings of a fight for control between you and your dad. Regard of the problems you have with your dad you need to back off and accept the public funeral is your dads place not yours.

Concentrate on your grief and just respectfully go through the motions for the funeral. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.

I don't agree with this atall.

The loss of a husband/wife/life partner is absolutely on level with losing a parent. Especially when everyone is within that same family unit. Nobody gazumps anyone. Nobody grieves worse than anyone else in this situation. It's the OPs mother, not a colleague or a neighbour.

Everyone has a right to be heard and to have a hand in giving the best possible send off that provides everyone with comfort. There needs to be compromise and understanding from everyone.

However, the OP knows her family and knows how far she can push to have a say and how damaging this may or may not be to their relationship. It's very tough OP and I hope you find a resolution and some comfort from the service.

If anyone tried pushing me away from my mothers funeral plans and taking over making big decisions about things like scattering ashes abroad, or nobody accompanying the coffin to the cream, they'd be getting told under no uncertain terms to do one. I wouldn't be respectfully backing off for anyone.

This is the OPs mother. Why shouldn't she be involved and given a say?!

Go and talk to a priest (or vicar) about the whole thing. They will be able both to counsel you and to advise on what you might do.

I don't actually understand how a clergyman is going to be involved in a no -religious ceremony above the undertaker's office though, that sounds very unusual?

You could also try making an appt to talk to the clergyman your father has found.