Anyone else feeling they don't want any kind of memorial?

[PermanentTemporary]

Struggling with graves :(

Dh's grave. I hate going there. Once in a blue moon I feel calm after visiting but mostly it's just miserable. I've sometimes kept it the way I like it ('natural', plants) but I'm useless at gardening and it looks messy; my FIL hates it like that and wants it smoothly turfed and constantly maintained. It's not supposed to have a big stone but it could have a better grave marker, but it's always the last thing I want to do.

My dad's grave - he was cremated late in 2019 then Covid hit and we've only just finished getting the memorial stone placed. We still haven't managed to scatter his ashes. It's all taken forever.

My mum will probably die soon (had tge call from the nursing home once but she's rallied) and it will all start up again to sort out a grave for her.

I'm completely sick of it. It's such a waste of time and effort. I'd like to be cremated, for ds to go walking and dump the ashes somewhere quiet, and to have no memorial at all. I hope he'll understand. Wondered if I'm just selfish at hating the responsibility of graves so much, or if others feel the same?

I feel the same. My DC know where I want to be scattered.

I feel the same op.

I’d like my ashes scattered somewhere meaningful and that’s all. I understand some people find a grave or other memorial a comforting place to visit but I don’t. It’s not where my memories are.

I’m not bothered by it. My three eldest want a grave to visit (youngest are too young yet for discussions) when we discussed funeral and the likes so that’s what I’ll have

I'm definitely a cremation fan. I hate feeling I have to go to a place or remember a date. I much prefer remembering my loved ones when I want to rather than feeling an obligation. And the cost of maintaining graves is astronomical and I wouldn't want my relatives to have to do that for me.

Ideally I will be euthanised when the time comes (that’s my ideal death if I was unwell) unless I go in my sleep or instantly from a cardiac arrest or aneurysm. I just want a closed cremation the ashes posted to my children or husband and ashes scattered. I wish euthanasia would be legalised in the UK the thought of a nursing home or end of life hospital care terrifies me (I’ve worked in healthcare).

Neither my dad nor husband have a memorial stone. My dad's ashes were scattered at the local cemetery, and my husbands ashes were split between 2 countries. My husband died at our family home so I feel he's always with us. My dad died in a car park which was later built on.

I feel as someone else said, a memorial is not where your memories are. I don't even want a funeral service tbh just a quick cremation. I wouldn't mind my ashes going up in a firework though 😁

We're not a 'grave' family. So far all lost loved ones have been cremated and then ashes scattered on the garden of remembrance at the crematorium, so no fixed memorials. We know the area they're scattered if we want to go and visit but the gardens are maintained by the cemetery.

When your DM passes is is possible to have her ashes scattered/buried in the same place as your DF and have her name added to his memorial?

Oh it's a comfort to see I'm not the only one, thank you.

My mum and aunt used to go on outings in their 80s to tidy up their grandparents' grave and I just hate the idea so much.

Agreed @Namechangealcohol I work in a hospital and currently have 3 elderly relatives in nursing homes - I'm a member of Dignitas and hope for a quicker end.

@SmirnoffIceIsNice it just doesn't feel right - they divorced 30 years ago! My df has a memorial stone in the graveyard where his parents are buried but my dm never lived in that place.

The cemetery we have used maintains all the graves themselves. It's no work for us.

Another family who don't do graves or memorials. I've no idea where my grandparents and uncle are. My parents will go in their local crematorium garden I expect. DH will be more of an issue if he pre-deceases me because his family very much are grave people.

Could you just pass responsibility of your DH's grave (so sorry for your loss) over to your FIL? If you don't get any benefit from visiting or tending to it, you can remember him elsewhere and FIL can tend to the grave as he likes it.

Graves are essentially just a focus - some people need that and others don't. Its not right or wrong just a different way of focusing the mind. My DHs nan carries her husbands ashes everywhere with her (10years after he passed) whereas my nan didn't even pick hers up from the crematorium. There was no less love in the relationship!

I’ve been looking at Pegasus in Switzerland as it seems more accessible. As you know working in healthcare as I did if I know the end is near I would want to go out on my terms. It annoys me that only people with a spare 20k can access it though. The NHS should fund it at least even if they have to outsource to other countries. The cynical me thinks that Euthanasia is bad for big business so that why the UK has not legalised it like more forward thinking countries.

We still have my fathers ashes (died 2017) as my mum isn't ready to part with them. Once mum goes I'll mix them together and I'm thinking of having them scattered in a woodland burial ground not too far from my area. There will be no marker and I probably won't visit - at least not on a regular basis - but it will give me comfort knowing they're back with nature, somewhere nice.

As a family we seem to prefer burials but I only visit the graves when I go to the next funeral. My brother died 3 years ago and I have seen his headstone twice since then. The cemetery maintains the grass and he just has a headstone. But people are different and I know my sister in law goes regularly.

My mother and father's ashes were scattered in the same part of the garden of remembrance at the crematorium (they died 18 months apart). I never visit, there's no plaque. In my view, they aren't actually there.

I've discussed this with adult DC - I want the same for myself. I definitely don't want a burial.

Amongst my father's papers I found the grave deed of his father's grave (he died before I was born). I have no recollection of my father ever visiting it.

My mum died very recently and she wanted a direct cremation so that happened last week. No one attends other than the undertakers but they send the person into the crematorium to music of your choice. It's was the best choice for all of us. We are planning a celebration of life and then will go all together to scatter ashes somewhere mum chose.

I want living memorials, no name, or engraving, or stone, but things left behind me where I have done some good, adults walking around the planet who understand maths better because I taught them well, adult children and grandchildren remembering me with a smile, a water pump somewhere hot and dry that I funded so children have safe water, a legacy to Wild Britain which maintains a small clump of nettles somewhere, where butterflies fly. No names needed on any of it

I basically buried dh because his mum would have been distressed if he were cremated. I would never have got away with not having a memorial for him, and tbh it was all uncharted waters for us - my family are definitely grave people in the previous generations, so are dh's family, and ds was still only 14 when dh died and I thought he might benefit from having a grave nearby. I know he's gone there occasionally without me, though not often I think.

It's all such a minefield.

My mum died two years ago and we don't have a grave and we haven't scattered the ashes yet either. My mum had a strong faith and was very philosophical about death. We had lots of chats about it over the years and she said that when her time came she didn't want any of us to feel tied to a particular area because of a grave. We looked into the idea of a plaque at the crematorium but you can only 'rent' the space for 10 years and even then it's just a teeny little plaque with her name on. I could almost hear my mum saying 'don't waste the money! Just remember me in your heart'.

We were actually talking about the ashes recently though as we know we need to do something - they are still with the funeral director. We've decided to split them into three and scatter them in three places which were important to her. I think this will make us feel as though we've 'returned her' to the places she loved best.

As a family, we've never really felt the need to have 'a place' but I also know that everyone is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it. Some get lots of comfort from a memorial and others find it really stressful.

Perhaps in your situation, turfing is the best idea and then you don't need to maintain the plants? Whatever you decide, you're always going to carry your DH in your heart and that is the most important thing.

I don’t want a funeral and have told my DC to have a direct cremation and scatter my ashes on the cliffs above my favourite beach. However my partner died in November but as we weren’t married or living together his brothers took over all the arrangements. He too wanted direct cremation and scattering of ashes in a specific place dear to him but the brothers wanted a catholic funeral, cremation and internment next to their parents in a town DP hated. Whilst I hate that it wasn’t DP’s wishes it is kind of nice to have a focal point to go and ‘speak’ to him even though I know he isn’t there. So now I don’t know what to do about my own demise 🤷‍♀️

My dad died when I was little and I think there is a plaque somewhere in the crematorium grounds but my mum and I have never been there. I think his ashes were laid there too.
If we want to remember him we go to his favourite place in the countryside, it's a heritage site where he used to volunteer as a guide with the most beautiful views.

I want direct cremation, no funeral - I’d rather the money went to my kids, and then ashes scattered at a place I like to walk my dog

Like others, I have planned a direct cremation and my ashes scattered in 3 places. No headstone, although I wouldn't mind a bench.

Only visited my late husbands grave at the burial. Haven’t been back since and I’ve no idea what it looks like or how it’s maintained. For myself I’m keen to donate myself to medical science and have family plant a tree if they’re keen for a memorial.