Anyone else feeling they don't want any kind of memorial?

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Struggling with graves :(

Dh's grave. I hate going there. Once in a blue moon I feel calm after visiting but mostly it's just miserable. I've sometimes kept it the way I like it ('natural', plants) but I'm useless at gardening and it looks messy; my FIL hates it like that and wants it smoothly turfed and constantly maintained. It's not supposed to have a big stone but it could have a better grave marker, but it's always the last thing I want to do.

My dad's grave - he was cremated late in 2019 then Covid hit and we've only just finished getting the memorial stone placed. We still haven't managed to scatter his ashes. It's all taken forever.

My mum will probably die soon (had tge call from the nursing home once but she's rallied) and it will all start up again to sort out a grave for her.

I'm completely sick of it. It's such a waste of time and effort. I'd like to be cremated, for ds to go walking and dump the ashes somewhere quiet, and to have no memorial at all. I hope he'll understand. Wondered if I'm just selfish at hating the responsibility of graves so much, or if others feel the same?

My mum bought a double plot in the crematoriums garden of rememberance for her and dad when dad died.

I went there for/with mum 3-4 times a year as she liked to visit and place flowers, then for the small ceremony when mums ashes were interred with his a couple of years ago, but I haven't been back since. The crem keeps the gardens tidy and maintained at no additional cost over the initial purchase so there is no need for us to do anything and I dont find any comfort being there, I can think of or remember them anywhere.

When my partner died last year I knew I wanted him cremated and then scatter his ashes but now that I'm sitting here with him in a tube on a shelf with no idea where to scatter him, I keep on looking up how much it costs to bury ashes so that I have a place to go. And I'm thinking I would want the same for me. I don't regret having him cremated as I knew that's what he wanted... I would just like a place to go where I could visit him I guess

Only one member of my family has had any sort of gravestone/memorial during the last 100 years. All the rest chose not to to save costs and future effort by living relatives. Or because they couldnt afford any sort of memorial.

The one that did (gt grandparent) have a gravestone......... that required a payment of a fee for years afterwards until finally my grandparents stopped paying it.

So in a weird sort of way its become a family tradition of ours not to do so and one Im personally really glad about. I want to remember my relatives for the ways I remember them being alive not for the crematorium/cemetary. Grim places I dont want to be near.

It's not selfish OP. My mum had always wanted to be buried, then about 20 years ago changed her mind, saying that her grandparents lie in graves that nobody ever visited or cared about. When my gran died, she was cremated and we just scattered her in a field she lived. We did the same with my dad, then more recently with my mum. I don't think any of us feel it was a selfish thing on their part, and the lack of memorial reduces the 'burden' on us. There is no place to visit, but we remember them in our own ways.

After losing both in-laws within 18 months and helping to arrange/attend
both funerals I'm determined I don't want that for ds.

Ideally I'd be taken straight for cremation without a funeral service and the council can dispose of my ashes.

DH has no memorial, at his request. Died last century. During COVID one of my regular walk routes took me around our local cemetery, and having no grave to visit among all the “Beloved husband”’s always made me teary.

His intention was to save me a job and move me on quicker, but I don’t think it helped at all.

I think that’s something that people sometimes don’t think about.

A friend of mine was widowed young and his wife life very very very detailed plans for her funeral. He didn’t feel like he could deviate from them at all. Which means a piece of music which he used to find comforting he can no longer listen to as it reminds him of the funeral, he hates the headstone chosen and the location of the drinks after means that a local pub they shared is now somewhere he can’t face going. He also really wanted to read a specific poem and he still has days now where he gets a bit upset because he didn’t get to do it.

I think people forget sometimes that they won’t actually be affected by their funeral or memorial but other people will.

This is why I think everyone should leave some guidance, but also stress that their surviving family should do whatever is best for them.

Funerals and memorials are for the living (if they want them). However well-intentioned, it's selfish to leave your survivors feeling that they have no choice about what to do.

Oh do what you want to do... the amount of expensive head stones left unvisited... it's not for others to judge, who cares. Do what you like and what you feel the dead person wanted unless they didn't specify. So many things done for the benefit of others... who cares xx

Funerals tend to be for the benefit of the living but I feel they should honour the deceased's wishes. Tbh I don't think anyone would come to mine anyway except immediate family so not worth the hassle.

I went to my first cremation recently and have to admit I found it traumatic. I know the body is just a vessel but if you've loved that vessel...

Sorry for your loss.

Death and bereavement are traumatic. When you lose a loved one, there is no escape from confronting that loss. For some people- am definitely not saying this is true of everyone- funerals can be part of the process of coming to terms with the loss by sharing it with other people.

If you tell your family you definitely don’t want a funeral (as opposed to saying you’re happy not to have one but leaving them the choice), you are denying them the chance to do that collective mourning, even if it would help them.

Yes I agree. In our religion the family is kept company for an entire week after the funeral by family and friends. Again it's like a ritual that seems comforting.

I've said I want no type of "service" whatsoever, definitely not a church one, as I'm an atheist and there is no need for whatever is left of me to be put anywhere, just bin it somewhere.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone. People don't need yet another thing to think about.

I do want a funeral, a proper one with a ceremony of some kind and a wake. I just don't want a grave.

A lot of people who say they don't want any kind of ceremony around the body's committal are still OK with the idea of a wake. Tbh even if they weren't id still have one even if only a gathering at the pub - I agree completely that funerals are about what the living want.

Coming from a long line of drinkers (but not one myself) I hate wakes that have alcohol.. I dread attending them especially if they are held in a pub or club, because some mourners just get rotten drunk and it leaves no room for other peoples’ grief imo. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want a funeral or wake - because of how I’ve seen some people behave at wakes.

This is how i feel. Die, cremate me, there is one person designated to put my ashes where i want them. No need for anything else.