Anyone else feeling they don't want any kind of memorial?

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Struggling with graves :(

Dh's grave. I hate going there. Once in a blue moon I feel calm after visiting but mostly it's just miserable. I've sometimes kept it the way I like it ('natural', plants) but I'm useless at gardening and it looks messy; my FIL hates it like that and wants it smoothly turfed and constantly maintained. It's not supposed to have a big stone but it could have a better grave marker, but it's always the last thing I want to do.

My dad's grave - he was cremated late in 2019 then Covid hit and we've only just finished getting the memorial stone placed. We still haven't managed to scatter his ashes. It's all taken forever.

My mum will probably die soon (had tge call from the nursing home once but she's rallied) and it will all start up again to sort out a grave for her.

I'm completely sick of it. It's such a waste of time and effort. I'd like to be cremated, for ds to go walking and dump the ashes somewhere quiet, and to have no memorial at all. I hope he'll understand. Wondered if I'm just selfish at hating the responsibility of graves so much, or if others feel the same?

We don't have a tradition of visiting graves in our family so it feels really natural to me to say goodbye at the funeral/ashes scattering and that's it. I have memories wherever I go, and also in places that were special to me and my loved ones.

Dh's family find visiting and caring for graves an important part or grieving and demonstrating their love however.

It's different strokes for different folks. I don't care what dh does with me but we've been talking about woodland burial for him so that there's a grave but it doesn't need maintenance.

Understand completely

My DD died when she was 5 and I hate going to her grave. I hold her memories in my mind. My DM on the other hand is obsessed with wanting to go but she can't get there unless I take her. She does not understand at all my feelings on this.

That’s really sad, sorry you lost your DD.

I think I’m going to ask for my ashes to be scattered in our local woods, where we’ve been a lot since dc were babies. Then if they want to think of me they could go and sit quietly there.

My parents have made it very clear they want the cheapest option possible, with ashes put out to sea at the beach down the road. I want the same.

My mum does want to go into the incinerator to "Ding doing the witch is dead" which I'm not quite sure about 🤔

We didn't for my mom (20 years passed this month).
My dad would be so offended if I asked him what he wants, eek.
Probably best I tell DC to do as they please, but I'm not bothered.

We put my mum's ashes under a cherry tree in our garden. We call it the Elizabeth Tree as both my mum and DD are called Elizabeth so it gives some form of connection without being maudlin.

I've told my adult DS and executor of my will I absolutely do not want a funeral or memorial. I want a pure cremation and to be scattered in the countryside. Cemeteries take up valuable space and I don't want anyone moping over a memorial. I want to be remembered as I was.

My DF died in 2020 and was buried in our local cemetery. I have to pass the cemetery on the way to DMs so I often drive in through the gates, stop by DFs grave and have a quick chat. I often ask his advice. I quite like visiting him. He’s buried next to the path so I don’t even have to get out of the car.

I’ve been quite clear though that I don’t want my own DC to have to maintain a grave after my days. I still feel a sense of responsibility for my grandparents and great grandparents graves. I think that funerals are in general for the living so they can do what they like about that.

I'm the same. I've put direct cremation and ashes to be scattered in my will.

No, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered at sea where I live, and where I scatteres my wife's ashes, if one of my surviving relatives wouldn't mind doing that

I saved a little of her ashes which are shortly to go in the ground with a new apple tree

It’s in my will that I’m to be cremated and that nobody is to have my ashes.
People to only be at my funeral if they have nothing better to do.

I've found having somewhere to visit, whether buried or cremated, has been beneficial. It hurts but going, laying fresh flowers, taking care of the grave/memorial does help to keep their memory alive, though if course it will always be. Getting together with family to go and mark occasions is what we do. If you would like different then I'm sure your loved ones will respect that, personally I would like to leave some sort of opportunity for my family and friends to visit if they wished to. X

I understand.
We haven't had graves for anyone in our family for decades.

I'd rather have a bench halfway up a steep hill, for someone to have a sit down on and have a breather. Or pay for something useful somewhere - a defibrillator could be an example, but a piece of equipment for a sports club they were involved in, or something for their Church, or the Youth Group they volunteered at or something. Even planting a bit of Woodland somewhere, if people want a lasting memorial they can physically go to. Just something useful.

I have never felt any personal connection with ashes after someone has been cremated, for me, it's just carbon and has nothing to do with the person. My mum said "When I die just stick me in a cardboard box" and when she died unexpectedly, we found a beautiful natural burial ground, which just felt 'right'. No marker, although you can find the plot and we could choose the sapling which was planted on it.

We've only been down a couple of times as it's not particularly close to us, but it's a lovely place to walk around and look at the bluebells / butterflies. I'd expected it to be expensive, like burial in a traditional graveyard, but it wasn't, and it feels nice that the money is contributing to creating woodland and protecting wildlife rather than (very non-environmentally friendly!) cremation. Something for future generations, as well as our memories.

My DH died young at 36. He is buried in our village churchyard, under a lovely old spreading copper beech tree.
His gravestone is made of Balmoral stone, which is a warm tweedy speckled brown granite, and reminds me of the old Harris tweed jacket he used to wear.
My children and I still put flowers there sometimes, even 31 years after his death. And he has a white rose and some purple heather planted on the plot.
The stone mason has left space under DH’s name to add my name when the time comes for me to join him.
I rather like the idea of our mortal remains mixing together to nourish the tree, while our souls are reunited in God’s love.

I think ashes scattered is the best option.

My parents died recently, I find zero comfort in their grave. I’ve only been once since the headstone went up. And I know they would hate the thousands it cost.

Wow I think this is a question people don't like to bring the subject up on so well done OP!!! I honestly don't want a funeral. I want cremated with my song choices Bridge Over Troubled Water and You'll Never Walk Alone playing as I have my ashes scattered at sea. As for a church service and hundreds attending no thanks. I just want my close family to attend to send me off.

YANBU

I have 4 siblings. We all have DC. The only person to visit my parents grave is me. I only visit twice a year on their birthdays.

Id have a simple cremation with no fuss but my DC think that’s too cold and they need a service when I depart this world for closure, for them. I’ve agreed to that but I draw the line at them feeling obliged to visit my grave so I have made it clear that I am to be cremated and my ashes are to be scattered in my favourite place.

I agree with you OP.

My lovely mum died 18 months ago quite unexpectedly.
She was cremated, and a year on my siblings and I, and my Dad went back to our home town and scattered her ashes where we used to play as children.
To me, she is everywhere

My DH died during lockdown - so no funeral but a direct cremation, which is what we had always wanted for both of us, even pre-covid.

I have since moved country.

Some of his ashes went into the sea in the UK , some in the sea in the country I am now in & some in the river that runs through the town I live in.

All of that was mostly for the DC.

DH is always with me, he lives in my heart.

And you see right here is what's to love about you lot. I've felt guilty for struggling with graves for the past five years and I find i probably don't need to feel guilty at all. I feel what I feel about dh's grave, and I'll go on finishing off memorials for my mum and dad because that's right for them and there are people who'd be upset if they didn't have somewhere, but quite clearly it's neither odd nor wrong not to have graves, and you have all taken some weight off my heart tonight.

We buried my father at sea. He hated graveyards and loved the ocean. Seems right but my mother was sad.