Anyone else feeling they don't want any kind of memorial?

[PermanentTemporary]

Struggling with graves :(

Dh's grave. I hate going there. Once in a blue moon I feel calm after visiting but mostly it's just miserable. I've sometimes kept it the way I like it ('natural', plants) but I'm useless at gardening and it looks messy; my FIL hates it like that and wants it smoothly turfed and constantly maintained. It's not supposed to have a big stone but it could have a better grave marker, but it's always the last thing I want to do.

My dad's grave - he was cremated late in 2019 then Covid hit and we've only just finished getting the memorial stone placed. We still haven't managed to scatter his ashes. It's all taken forever.

My mum will probably die soon (had tge call from the nursing home once but she's rallied) and it will all start up again to sort out a grave for her.

I'm completely sick of it. It's such a waste of time and effort. I'd like to be cremated, for ds to go walking and dump the ashes somewhere quiet, and to have no memorial at all. I hope he'll understand. Wondered if I'm just selfish at hating the responsibility of graves so much, or if others feel the same?

I think most people now don't have a grave. I have left instructions for a direct cremation, no wake etc, but I also don't want anyone collecting my ashes, scattering or burying them. They can be chucked away by council staff in whatever is the preferred manner. I'm pretty sure my husband would feel the same.
Whilst the historian in me quite likes reading old grave stones, the reality is that I find them pointless. The deceased person isn't there, just remains, so I would have no interest in visiting one for someone I knew and, as mentioned it's just a burden. Once we are dead, that's it - we're gone and forgotten, which is how it should be.

DGM was cremated and scattered in the memorial garden at the crem. No memorial stone. DGF was navy so his ashes were scattered at sea.
FIL’s ashes are here with us waiting to be scattered. We won’t be having a memorial. I did suggest it but DH says there’s no point.
DH has already paid for a direct cremation for himself & just wants to be scattered.
I also want to be cremated but hadn’t thought what poor DS is supposed to do with me afterwards, he’s a sentimental old soul so would probably want a memorial for me & DH.
I know where DF wants to be buried. It would be nice if he’d made provision for it though. DM said we can roll her up in an old carpet and leave her out for the bin men for all she cares so she’s getting cremated and scattered too.

Unattended cremations are also a great idea. No need to invite people and deal with all that sadness, just collect the ashes.

See, this is where we are all different.

For me, the act of coming together for a funeral is really important. However, all close family members' ashes have just been scattered on the lawn at the crem. They mean nothing to me. I don't feel that a pot of ashes related in anyway to the vibrant people I have lost.

Don't get me wrong. I like the idea of a direct cremation, but I think some sort of funeral gathering is important to most people. We are programmed as social creatures and need to be together - you only have to look at when any young person has been killed, where people with no interest in a traditional Church service or funeral at a crem, need to gather with flowers and candles, and just need to come together.

I will have a direct cremation and I don't even want anyone to collect my ashes. The crematorium can dispose of them.

Need to talk but don't know how to start..

So sorry.. posted by mistake

I feel exactly the same. I'll be having a direct cremation with no ashes returned. I don't want anyone to feel they need to hold on to a momento mori, which at some point down the generations will be thrown in a skip anyway.

I want my family to be able to grieve privately and choose their own ways of remembering me.

My SIL and I had my husband cremated at a "no attendance" service, then scattered his ashes at a natural burial ground. He was a professional gardener, so it seemed appropriate. Neither my SIL and I even want the scattering-they can do what they like with our ashes. (BTW, what do they do with unwanted ashes?)

DM was scattered in a few places that had special meaning for her (sports club grounds, holiday beach etc). There was also a place high at a local beauty spot where DGPs were scattered so we took a discreet coffee cup full of her ashes up there so part of her could be scattered with her parents. Now we sadly have to scatter DF and will probably scatter at the same places, plus wherehis own parents were scattered.
The last person to be buried in the family was my DGGran (mid 1970s) and her DC couldnt agree on wording or anything really so she never had her name added to her husbands headstone although I know she's in the plot.

Another one here who does not want a fuss, DH had a direct cremation and I donated the money saved to the Special School where three of our DC’s attended. I also have a direct cremation arranged when my time comes.

My Dad died and had a direct to crem funeral and we had no service at all. Literally nothing. We didn't even collect the ashes. It was all arranged before he dies and we were all happy with it. It was what he wanted and what my Mum and siblings wanted.

Although we did end up having to pop into a funeral directors it was only because the CO-OP website had an issue taking payments otherwise we would have done everything online.

I can't even remember the date he died now and it was only a couple of years ago. I bet people would be shocked by that but I'm not. I remember all the fun and happy things we did together when he was alive. That's what is important

He was much loved (although irritating!) and I miss him but my memories of him are of when he was alive - I'm not religious or spiritual so once you are dead then your body has no significance. The rest of my family think the same.

We've all grieved healthily! We can talk about him and remember him. We don't struggle to talk about death. I don't think you need a funeral as part of the grieving process.

My Mum, my siblings and I have all asked for direct to crem with no service when we die. We've put it in our wills.

My husband is having a burial and if he does before me then he will have a funeral. I don't object to them , they just seem outdated and strange to me.

My three kids and I all love the beach and swimming. I told them to take my ashes to a beach and dump them in the water. No funeral, no markers, and no expensive coffin to be burned either.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that what happens to what’s left of me after I die is of no concern to me. Told my family that they can do whatever they want.

My husband's ashes are scattered in my beautiful garden. To be honest since it's been such along time l forget they're there, but that's how it should be. He will always be in my heart, and memories. I personally think headstones are a waste of money and couldn't imagine anything worse than being buried in a cemetery. I want to be cremated and my ashes left wild and free in a place l choose.

I don’t even want a funeral. Have arranged direct cremation and hoping to find a company that will just dump my ashes at sea. My family are aware and understand.

I'm be dead, I don't care.

Dh died 6 years ago, I REALLY didn't want a funeral - but actually it was a lovely day (ironically he would have really enjoyed it).
His ashes are still in the back of the understairs cupboard, behind a load of other stuff.

I don't need a place to remember him, I do so all the time.

I do have a headstone for my late DH - he was buried under the yew tree in the very rural village churchyard, just down the road from my home.

Burial was what he wanted - I think - but it was certainly what my DDs wanted and one of them goes there a lot to tend the grave - although that is hard because the churchyard has been deliberately left to grow wild during the summer to encourage wildlife. The DDs love having somewhere to go and remember him, and the GC make little things to put on there - painted stones, little people etc.

However, I do not go there very often - TBH I find it hard as all I can think of is what is now beneath the stone.

Originally the idea was that I should be buried there too (it is a "double-decker" grave) but I cannot bear the idea of his remains being disturbed, so I have asked to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled on the grave.

My Dad the same. Instructed us to scatter his ashes by the sea. It was comforting to think of him being carried by the wind.

My Mum's ashes are interred in a cemetery in her home town which is 300 miles from where I live. I only get there about once every couple of years and I feel guilty about neglecting them but, in all honesty, I work and have a kid with SEND and it's a right faff to get there. I wish she'd opted for scattering.

I honestly don't care too much what happens to me after I'm gone. I'm happy for my loved ones to do whatever gives them peace.

Those who have decided on direct cremation, have you arranged/paid for one in advance? That’s what I want but don’t know if it’s a good idea to sort it out now (I’m 62).

It's a good idea to put plans in place well in advance. Prices only go up, it saves your family having to do anything when they probably would rather not have difficult conversations, and it ensures you get what you want (bereaved loved ones will often worry that they'll look mean or uncaring if they don't put on a lavish funeral).

My father (who passed away over 16 years ago) bought a plot in the local (to my parents) cemetery many many years earlier.

All my family have been cremated. My grandparents ashes (actually) just my grandmothers as no one can actually remember what happened to my grandfathers (!) ashes as well as my dads are buried there.

My mum goes once a week to ‘tend’ the grave.

I live over a 3 hour drive away and TBH I don’t really visit as I find it too upsetting.

My mum seems to think all the family will be burried (well our ashes) there. I’m not bothered. I actually want my ashes scattered at our (me & my OH’s) favourite cafe at the top of the French Alps in the Port du Soleil area (where my OH proposed to me in the snow).

My stepson died very suddenly earlier this year. He had a service and was cremated which was what his brothers and sister wanted for him. It was a lovely send off but the the cost was eye watering. I don’t grudge him this in any way but it focused dh and my thoughts on what we did and didn’t want. We’ve decided on direct cremation and have made our dc aware of this so that it’s not a surprise when the time comes. I don’t care what they do with the ashes.

Just to say that a grave doesn’t have to mean lots of expense or upkeep. DF was buried (his choice). I haven’t paid a penny of upkeep in nearly 30 years, and I rarely visit the grave as it doesn’t mean that much to me (I adored DF, but the grave isn’t how I remember him).

I hear you.

I try not to apply my feelings to other people and just hope that they’re super specific about what they want so I can just roll with it and then even if I hate their choice, I can just tell myself it’s what they asked for. Not that that would help with your FIL unless your husband had specified something about maintenance…

For myself, I not only don’t want a physical memorial, I don’t want a funeral. Remember me, don’t…whatever. I’ll be gone and the best part of me will be in someone’s memories, not beside a plaque.