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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Close friend died today, only 38 yrs old :(

130 replies

MABS · 04/02/2008 18:13

Says it all really, one of my dearest friends,aged 40 yrs old, suffered a massive heart attack and died immediately. I am in total shock and can't really believe it, he wasn't ill , there was no warning. I am in bits about it .

OP posts:

Heathcliffscathy · 08/02/2008 20:01

so sorry.

Candlewax · 08/02/2008 20:07

I am so sorry.

Mellieandmin · 08/02/2008 20:11

So very sorry MABS, how truly awful for you and your/his family. There are no words. From now till the 21 Feb will be so hard for all of you as it will seem so unreal without the 'closure' of a funereal. Perhaps take the time to write a letter to him, tell him how you feel, tell him anything and everything. Alernatively perhaps try to write down some happy times/memories and photos and encourage your friends to do the same. Write you most favourite story or why you were his friend. I am sure his wife(?)or kids(?) or whoever was close to him wll tresure reading it in the years to come. Perhaps you might just want to keep it for yourself for years to come when it will be perhaps a little less painful and you can enjoy the memories before they fade.

Thinking of you. xx

Mellieandmin · 08/02/2008 20:12

Sorry for the rubbish spellings...

PestoMonster · 08/02/2008 20:24

Sorry to hear this MABS. What a rotten start to the year you've had, first the pneumonia and now this. Hope the funeral goes well and will think of you. XXX

Original poster

MABS · 08/02/2008 22:35

thank you sooo very much

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 09/02/2008 21:15

So sorry to hear this Mabs 9and glitterfairy), my best friend's dh died a couple of months ago, suddenly, same age. Its an awful limbo land between it happening and the funeral and awful that you have to wait for so long.

Really thinking about you and his family, I just remember those first few weeks after my friend died and they were truly, truly awful.

glitterfairy · 11/02/2008 08:16

Thanks twofalls.

How are you Mabs?

Original poster

MABS · 11/02/2008 16:23

Am not great really, think it took a week for it to really hit me.you?

OP posts:

WelliesAndPyjamas · 11/02/2008 16:30

Sorry to hear your news.
It's not easy, having a good friend leave you so suddenly. It took my years to get used to the idea when one of my best friends died very young. But time heals in its own way.
Thinking of you.

Original poster

MABS · 11/02/2008 17:46

many thanks x

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 11/02/2008 18:42

Pretty crap really but frankly at least the funeral is tomorrow and I am not his wife or son.

Original poster

MABS · 11/02/2008 19:47

thinkin of you tmro Glitter, hope its ok. I still have to wait til end of next week, and its a burial..which personally I find more traumatic.

OP posts:

dingdong05 · 11/02/2008 20:03

I'm so sorry

glitterfairy · 12/02/2008 07:28

I agree Mabs a burial is much worse. Thanks for the thoughts and sending virtual hugs to you.

Spent yesterday reminiscing in the car with the kids and cried over them because they were crying as well. Our memories are good ones though and we all are better for knowing him.

Original poster

MABS · 12/02/2008 17:27

how was it Glitterfairy? been thinking of you x

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 12/02/2008 17:46

Pretty awful thanks for asking but a lovely sunny day which really helps. There was a photo of him outside the crematorium with his son in his arms which was heartbreaking and his son was a star supporting his mum and shaking everyones hand even though he is just 13.

I just cried and could have killed myself for blubbing all over my friend when she was being so brave and it was her husband.

I couldnt speak to be honest and had to walk off. I decided not to go to the do afterwards because I had kids to collect and want to see her when everyone has gone and she doesnt have quite as much support around her.

Original poster

MABS · 13/02/2008 19:15

glad you got through it Glitter, well done. Reassure me, does it feel better when its over?

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 14/02/2008 07:14

Yes and as I said the sunshine helped.

I rang his wife yesterday who is coming over on Monday and bringing her son for the day so we both said we could have a good cry and remember him properly. I dont think funerals really allow people to grieve in public and amongst the tears there are some very happy memories.

My friend was a tower of support to me through my awful divorce and I will never forget that even when he was diagnosed he came round to support me. he could be grumpy too and I dont want to make him out to be a saint ever because it was through him being a really good person with normal faults which he often had to overcome that we all loved him.

Take care Mabs and I will be thinking of you.

GColdtimer · 14/02/2008 09:15

Glad you got through it glitterfairy, it sounds so sad. i know what you mean about being the one blubbing whilst the widow is so dignified and brave. What a lovely idea to have the photo outside, so sad though. My friend and I put together 2 huge photo montages for the pub after the funeral and it just felt as if we were doing it for his birthday and he was going to walk in and berate us for it.

Thinking of you Mabs, having to wait this long for the funeral. Everything is in such limbo. From my experience, being 10 weeks on (dd and I taking my friend away this weekend for our own valentine's weekend away!) the absolute horror and shock wears off but you still don't really believe it. I sort of felt that after the funeral was over the proper process of grieving could begin, that probably sounds a bit mad but it how I felt.

Just realised how much I have written. sorry for thread hijack

glitterfairy · 14/02/2008 17:12

Good that you were there for your friend though twofalls. I htink that is what concerns me that people dont forget or let my friend just get on with life. I dont think they will though.

Mabs how are you?

GColdtimer · 14/02/2008 18:07

I know it is always said, but it is true I think - you really find out who your real friends are when something like this happens. It is actually relatively easy to offer support to begin with when everyone is a similar place emotionally and everyone is existing inthe twilight zone, but to keep it up actually takes commitment and sadly all too many people drift back to their lives which is when I think it actually gets harder for the person grieving. It doesn't sound like that will happen to your friend as she has you for starters

I hope you are OK Mabs. Thinking of you (just told my friend about this thread and she just can't believe that so many people are going through this. Which reminds me, she has joined the WAY foundation which provides support for young widows and their familes. She said it has been excellent - they have local outings and a forum and even though she hasn't participated yet, lurking on the forum has been helpful. It might be a bit soon, but something for the future for both of you to suggest to your friends' possibly.

glitterfairy · 14/02/2008 18:38

Thanks twofalls.

I agree but also thought how sad it was that we cannot be present at our funeral when everyone comes together to talk about how loved and precious we were. Sometimes we forget this. My friend was saying how much her husband would have been touched by the amount of people that came and the things they said about him.

Original poster

MABS · 14/02/2008 19:11

sat with his partner all afternoon tday, very drained.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 14/02/2008 20:56

You are so right glitterfairy, at my friend's funeral, all the boys got their guitars out, we sung songs, danced, reminisced, laughed and truly remembered what a lovely person he was. He would have really loved it and would have been so touched too.

Mabs, it IS so utterly draining spending time with the partner. It is very intense, very hard, very sad. I don't know whether you felt this, but time seems to go into a black hole - you don't know what you have done with the time but you know it must have been hard work because you feel shattered. And everyone tells you what a good friend you are but you just feel so helpless and that makes it harder (sorry, might just be projecting here .

I am thinking of you and sending you virtual support, although the act of grieving and supporting the grieving isn't easy, this intensity does pass.

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