24 years since I held my baby boy

[24yearswithoutmybeautifulboy]

I cant believe it's been so long, the days have been so long, but the years so short.

My gorgeous little Scott Dot who fought his way through so many health problems for the first couple of months of his life, only to be cruelly taken after a few short weeks at home.

He was the most beautiful boy, with the biggest, darkest eyes, and beautiful dark hair, and the biggest feet I've ever seen on a baby 🤣 he also had THE biggest attitude I've ever seen in a baby when the mood took him too.

He taught me how to love, and was the first person to ever love me unconditionally, he taught me how to fight, he melted my heart that had been hardened through years of abuse as a child, and I think about him and miss him every day.

I only had him for such a short time, but he was such a blessing to me. He was so loved then, and is still so loved now. He has his little sister with him too sadly, but I really believe they are together.

I'm also going to shamelessly show him off, because if a Mum can't show off her gorgeous baby on MN, then where can she? 😊

Can anyone guess which photo shows the results of the first time I ever dressed a baby? Plus we have the obligatory 90s photo of baby in with a whole bunch of teddies. Then him in his favourite outfit.

My dc and I will light a wee candle and have some angel cake for him tonight, as we always do.

Thank you for reading 💐

I remember your baby too . I think you said that the green top he is wearing was your favourite?

Oh @Eek3under3 I'm so sorry. This just shouldn't happen, I can't understand why it ever does. It's truly a pain like no other.

@catsareme14 yes, the whole outfit with the top, and jeans and socks was my favourite on him, green was definitely his colour. That's the outfit he was cremated in, bless him (apart from those socks, I kept them). Thank you for remembering.

Thank you to everyone else too, those who remember my boy from previous threads about him, it really means so much, and everyone taking the time to post about wee Scott Dot, you're all making me tear up, thank you.

Love for you and your angel xxx

Sending lots of love, he was a cutie and you sound a lovely mum ❤

Oh my goodness what a beautiful boy your Scott was and how blessed he was to have you as his mummy. So sorry for your loss

Such lovely pics. I'm so sorry you lost such a gorgeous boy x

hello - thank you for sharing the photos of your lovely little boy. I just wanted to let you know i’m another person that ‘sees’ him and cares. I smiled when i saw him among all the teddies - and also shed a tear to think you lost him when he was so small.

Gorgeous boy OP, sending love xx

I remember your previous threads, too. What a beautiful boy. He sounds like such a special soul 💙

Thank you, the time you've taken to look at my son, and share some words is so appreciated.

He really was so gorgeous (I might be a bit bias, but I do think his face my have actually been carved by angels 🤣).

His favourite rhyme was hey diddle diddle, he used to love "the dish ran away with the spoon" bit. He would do that little baby thing of snorty breathing and kicking his legs when he knew that part was coming up 😊

If I could do it all again I would take these years of heartache 100 times over just to get those few short months I had with him.

Although I am absolutely devastated that my daughter died some years after her brother, I sort of feel, I'm not sure of the right word, peace? that they are together somewhere (probably ruling the roost), it's comforting to me that they have each other, and they aren't alone.

Feel free to tell us about your daughter if you want xx

He is beautiful. He made you a mummy, and that mummy love is still so strong, I can feel it in your words. Big hugs

So sorry to read this. You can talk about your DD too

he was a super little cutie

What a gorgeous baby, I remember him too. Such beautiful photos. Your post is filled with love for him xxx

Oh my goodness what a cute little guy he was. So sorry to hear about your daughter, too. You are obviously a strong person

That's the saddest thing ever OP I was almost crying reading it. You have been through so much I don't know where you get the strength. Yay are not alone. We on Mumsnet are here for u snd ur babies are looking down watching over u

I also remember your beautiful boy. Your love for him and his sister shines through and I feel humbled by how you have found positives in such tragedies. You sound an amazing mum 💐❤️

Adorable Little Scott, what a little cutie. How blessed his was to have such a lovely caring mummy. Talk about him, show your photographs, smile when you think of his little traits. Memories are there to be held and shared. Sending lots of love.

Only to say he is wonderful and beautiful and much loved 🥰

Oh thank you.

I struggle to talk about dd, her whole short life was pretty traumatic and, even 15, almost 16, years later I can't get my head around it.

Her name was Emma, and she, like Scott, had the most beautiful shock of dark hair and dark, wise, eyes.

Where Scott was found to have one kidney, and some complications due to that (hence the op) he was fine a lot of the time too.

Emma was born just a week or so before her due date. Throughout my pregnancy I knew something wasn't right with her, I just knew it, she wasn't moving right, and I wasn't feeling kicks etc.

The sonographer (who I saw monthly due to what happened with Scott) was so annoyed with me, even said I would need my mental health assessed as I just kept repeating something wasn't right. She also accused me of being paranoid because Scott had died.

Unfortunately, I discovered I was right within a few seconds of her birth.

My dear, sweet, beautiful girl was born just broken.

She had brittle bones, some had broken and reset during pregnancy, some had broken as I gave birth, and she couldn't breathe alone, or move.

When I remember her I always remember the first 10 seconds after her birth, that was the only time I ever saw her without a ventilator on, I didn't notice her injuries, I just saw my beautiful girl.

Shes another one that had an eyeroll that could (and did) reduce a grown up to tears (it was me, she reduced me to tears by eye rolling at my mediocre singing 😊).

She lived for 2 weeks and her whole tiny life was just filled with tests and pain, and being poked and prodded.

When the doctor pulled me aside and showed me the xrays of her ribs, they looked like pieces of thread, she got an infection from the ventilor, and her heart wasn't coping. So I made the very tough decision to let her go.

If I thought for a minute the best thing for her would be to fight so she could spend a life laid in bed, on a ventilator, unable to move or do anything for herself at all.

Her whole tiny life was just so traumatic, my poor darling girl. She was so, so very special, and didn't deserve to go through what she went through.

When I was taken to another room (essentially a cupboard) for privacy while her ventilator was switched off (the only alternative was a 15 minute time slot in NICU where they would put a curtain around us and keep other parents out) I opened a window for her so she could finally fly free. I like to think Scott came to walk her home.

I was so, so lucky to be her Mummy too, and I miss her every day.

You sound like such an incredible person. Your DC are lucky to have you ❤️

Gorgeous boy. I will say a prayer for him and his sister tonight. ❤️. I’m sorry you didn’t get longer with each other.

Oh op, I'm so sorry for you losses. He's such a gorgeous boy, I'm glad you have some lovely photos to remember him by.
Sending you a big hug today xx

Scott Dot was a true Bobby dazzler- absolutely gorgeous! So very sorry for your loss xx

Sending you and your beautiful children love, OP.