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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Termination at 22 weeks

80 replies

ChickenTonight · 15/01/2008 11:21

My husband and I have just had the worst week of our lives. Major abnormalities were detected with our baby at our 20 week scan, some of which were confirmed by an amnio shortly afterwards. After several heartbreaking days of soul searching and trying to decide what is best for our family (this is our 3rd child), we took the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I gave birth to a little girl on Sunday. I feel numb, raw, but also experienced feelings of great love and happiness when holding the baby after the birth. I went back to hospital yesterday to say goodbye to her again, and am now finding it very hard to accept that she has gone. I am not regretting our decision to terminate, but can't help feeling so desperately sad about what might have been - and how unlucky we are/she was to have had this happen. I know time will be be a great healer, but does anyone have any experience or tips to get us through these first very painful days and weeks?

OP posts:

NatalieJane · 15/01/2008 11:22

So sorry

No advice, but couldn't read and run.

Please take care of yourself xx

FoghornLeghorn · 15/01/2008 11:23

I have no experience but I couldn't read and not post.

VanillaPumpkin · 15/01/2008 11:25

Oh how dreadfully sad for you. I know you will get some help from others on here. Your emotions must be all over the place. As NJ says look after yourself.
I am so sorry.

MaryAnnSingleton · 15/01/2008 11:25

[sad} no experience here either but wanted to acknowledge your sad loss.

Eliza2 · 15/01/2008 11:25

So sorry to hear this.

BibiThree · 15/01/2008 11:26

I'm so very sorry for you and your dh and the terrible choice you had to make. My only advice is to keep hold of the positives, the reasons you made the decision and the knowledge that you made that decision together and for the best of reasons. It might not help with the grief and loss at the moment, but in the long term it will. I think you are being very brave.

Hold your children close and they will be a great comfort and help to you. xxx

barbamama · 15/01/2008 11:27

Me too, just wanted to say how sorry I was and how moving your post was. I guess the old cliche about time to heal is all I can say.

BritTex · 15/01/2008 11:30

I am so sad to hear of the heartbreak you and your DH are experiencing.
take care of yourselves and your little ones.

StrangeTown · 15/01/2008 11:33

What a terrible decision to have to make. I am so sorry. I hope the pain gets easier to deal with.

peanutbutterkid · 15/01/2008 11:43

Oh heavens, I know 2 couples IRL who went thru the same thing in last 6 weeks ago (one of them was a termination at 23 weeks). Still suffering a lot of grief about it.
I was chatting with one mum this morning. The doc prescribed sleeping pills but she is only sleeping 1-2 hrs a night, anyway. Pills give her vivid REM sleep and bizarre dreams when she finally does drop off, and her other children ensure her sleep gets disturbed a lot, anyway. Not sure the pills are worthwhile, anyway.
She's having a lot of flashbacks from the birth itself. She doesn't regret terminating, either, but the pain getting over it is immense.

I don't know if hearing any of that helps -- although at least you know you're far from alone. If it were me, I would expect it to take months to recover, you may get flashbacks, and sleeping pills may not help.

Scampmum · 15/01/2008 11:53

No experience myself but terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you find someone to talk to who has been through the same thing.

xxxx

Mercedes · 15/01/2008 12:14

Chickentonight - I went through the same thing 15 years ago. Even now as I write it still makes me cry. We named our baby and kept everything we ever had relating to it including the sympany cards (I told most people I'd miscarried as I didn't want to argue with anyone about whether it was the right thing or not or face a disaproving look on someone's face when I was grieving.) I've only looked at the things once when we moved house but I know its there and our baby is remembered.
All you can do now is cry your heart out and grieve for your baby. The sadness does lessen-I remember sitting in a car about a year after the due date and feeling weird and realising that I wasn't sad anymore and I felt lighter somehow. Do talk to people who know what you went through and you and your dp comfort each other. We went away on a fab holiday to Canada as we felt that after so much trauma we needed nice things in our life.
I've never regretted making the decision but only that I was put in a situation where I had to make the decision. As I said I still get tearful when I think about it but I don't see that as bad thing just the memory of my baby.

marina · 15/01/2008 12:15

ChickenTonight, I'm so sorry your dd died.
I had a premature stillbirth at 22 weeks five and a half years ago (we did not have to take the agonising decisions you have experienced but the diagnosis was a horrific shock).
It sounds as though the hospital supported you well and gave you the chance to have the birth you wanted for your dd. I know from experience that seeing your baby takes a lot of the dread away, and spending time with them and holding them helps a lot in the coming months I promise.
You might not have thought to contact them as your baby was born so soon, but SANDS provides good support - online or on the phone - to parents in your situation.
We had a funeral for Tom, which the hospital would have arranged for us had we not chosen to use our own church etc. The undertakers were brilliant - so sensitive and charged us nothing for simple provision of a car etc.
I wonder if the hospital chaplain has been in touch, or maybe there is a Bereavement Midwife?
As to getting through the days and weeks you now face...well, you do. We had great support from friends who survived two neonatal deaths and who told us

everything is normal - anger, guilt, relief, despair
it is OK to enjoy moments with your living dcs, and even to laugh

sometimes you and your husband cannot support each other because you are both grieving, but keep talking - to each other and separately to friends
don't be afraid to temporarily drop anyone who is crass, unsupportive, too needy etc - family or friends. Don't return calls if they are upsetting you.

We got a crabapple tree for Tom and seeing it grow taller and lovelier every year is a huge comfort although tbh I did not think it would be when we planted it five years ago

Sending you lots of love

cece · 15/01/2008 12:15

Chickentonight. So sorry.

33 days ago I gave birth to my daughter Hope - I was one day short of 19 weeks pg. Not quite the same situation as yours as we discovered she had died the day before when no heartbeat could be found. However, I understand many of the feelings you are having.

On the 6th day after her birth my DH had to take me to the GP because I was in such a state. She spent a lot of time with me and gave me some sleeping tablets. I didn't want to take them, but in hindsight the four nights I did take them were extremely helpful in helping me to cope with the following day.

Please CAT me if you would like to talk in private about PM, midwife visits and funeral arrangements. I have also joined the SANDS forum. They are all people in similar situations and there are some ladies there who have had to terminate for medical reasons too.

marina · 15/01/2008 12:16

Mercedes is so right chickentonight - I was told "a year and a day" by the same friends, and indeed once the first anniversary was past, life got significantly more manageable and serene

MAMAZON · 15/01/2008 12:17

nothing can compare to the grief of losing a child.

my deepest sympathies are with you and your family.

marina · 15/01/2008 12:17

oh cece I'm really sorry to hear about Hope too

cece · 15/01/2008 12:20

Have the hospital put you in touch with the bereavement midwife? I have found them a great help and in the early days they visited me frequently at home. I am now having counselling sessions weekly with them. I also had visits from midwives from my community team too. Are you getting these?

Blu · 15/01/2008 12:21

ChickenTonight, I am so sorry about the loss of your little girl, and for the cruelty of the position you found yourself in. I have no doubt that you made your decision with love and compassion.

Have no experience or advice to add to that of Marina and cece, but wanted to send you love and support.

AuraofDora · 15/01/2008 12:26

so sorry to read this and my heartfelt sympathies to you and your family

Mercedes · 15/01/2008 12:27

Cece's suggestion of the bereavement midwife is a really good thing from memory. Our hospital had a social worker who did the same sort of thing and it really helped - going through practical issues like do you have a funeral; what does that entail what could you do etc Gives a structure and focus to your pain that just helps somehow. I also found Sands helpful.

bundle · 15/01/2008 12:29

chickentonight, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. there are lots of excellent suggestions on here. please be kind to yourself, lots of love, xxx

biglips · 15/01/2008 12:30

Chickentonight - im so sorry to hear

kindersurprise · 15/01/2008 12:34

So sorry that you lost your little girl. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

bundle · 15/01/2008 12:35

oh cece I'm sorry to hear about Hope too, xxx

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