Termination at 22 weeks

[ChickenTonight]

My husband and I have just had the worst week of our lives. Major abnormalities were detected with our baby at our 20 week scan, some of which were confirmed by an amnio shortly afterwards. After several heartbreaking days of soul searching and trying to decide what is best for our family (this is our 3rd child), we took the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I gave birth to a little girl on Sunday. I feel numb, raw, but also experienced feelings of great love and happiness when holding the baby after the birth. I went back to hospital yesterday to say goodbye to her again, and am now finding it very hard to accept that she has gone. I am not regretting our decision to terminate, but can't help feeling so desperately sad about what might have been - and how unlucky we are/she was to have had this happen. I know time will be be a great healer, but does anyone have any experience or tips to get us through these first very painful days and weeks?

sosorry you've had to go through this; it is unimaginable but I know a friend planted a tree in a special place for her son when he died and it grows every year (small memorial plaque underneath it) - it gives her great comfort but I don't think anything takes the pain away.

i have no experience of what you've been through specifically but have suffered a miscarriage - just wanted to post and say that im sending lots of love over to you and your dh...i hope you can find a way through this together. im so sorry for your loss

xxxxxxxxxx

So very sorry to hear of what you've been through.

Look after each other.

xx

ChickenTonight - I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no personal experience but I do know of two couples who have had to make the same decision and for both of them the only thing that really helped them was having another child. I know it's probably too early for you to even contemplate this though. But for them, it did help. You can't replace your little girl, nothing ever will, but I guess for both my friends, the feeling that their families needed another child came back very quickly.

I hope you are able to find some solace in your family and friends and take everything one day at a time.

Chicken/Katy very sorry to hear what you are going through. My experience is different as like Jane my termination was earlier on in pregancy (12 weeks). I would echo what the others say about ARC-the email group can be a fantastic support. I also found mumsnet very helpful when trying to work through the whole array of emotions that you feel-it can feel very isolating for a while in your daily life, as sometimes family and friends do not quite know how to deal with the situation or what to say. I also had counselling which I felt really helped although this is not for everyone.

Katy77, you poor thing. It will be over soon. Don't be rushed. Think everything through. And get as much support as you can from your friends and family. I went through this in August and it's a horrible, horrible time. I kept wishing it wasn't happening, and that I didn't have to go through it. You will be amazed at how strong you can be retrospectively. The weeks after will probably still be bad, but in a different way, and I'm sure it's all part of the healing process. You'll never forget it and it will leave scars, but it will get better. Your little girl will pull you through - mine did. Thinking of you and your family over the next few weeks. xx

Katy77 - I echo everything that Prisma has said. It is a struggle just to pull yourself through these nightmare few days. This is probably the hardest decision that you will ever have to make in your life, so don't rush it. Even though I am experiencing so much heartache over the loss of my baby daughter, I have no regrets about our decision to terminate (although I realise that the regrets may still come, as it's such early days for us). I feel that this is because we took our time making a decision (about 3-4 days) and did think through the alternatives as fully as we were able to. Although, it is so hard to try to look into the future and imagine how it will be, isn't it?

I hope your partner and you are able to support each other. As we live in London, we had some face-to-face counselling at the ARC offices, and we both found it really helpful to speak about our feelings in front of a neutral 3rd party. Would this be available to you - or through a counsellor provided by the hospital?

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Take care xxx

So very sorry for your loss sweetheart x

So very sorry for your loss sweetheart - i cant begin to imagine what you are going through x

Same here, ChickenTonight, no regrets about my decision. In a way, I think ignorance must have been bliss in the pre-scan days - although I'm sure a lot more women and babies must have died in childbirth. An 80 year old retired midwife friend of the family said women used to die as a result of the condition my baby boy had. I hope you're looking after yourself and eating plenty of the naughty stuff (by which I mean chocolate). I love this site - has been such a help to me to talk about this and know I'm understood! x

Dear all
Many thanks for all the words of help and support we are being induced on Sunday. At the moment I am remaining quite strong but am sure all of that will crumble on Sunday and afterwards. But until that time I need to try and hold it all together. Deciding what I'm going to take to go with my little girl - like a teddy bear from my other Daughter and a letter from us explaining how much she was wanted and how hard it was for us to do this has really helped alot. Will log on again next week if feeling up to it. Thanks

Katy - if you read this, lots of luck for tomorrow.

I too send you my dearest sympathy and thoughts xxx

Katy, if you do revisit this thread before tomorrow, we took a really happy photo of our older ds to remind us both that someone we loved was waiting for us back home.
Remember to ask the midwives for valium - you can have some during labour in circumstances like these, and I found it helped a lot.
Thinking of you all XXX

chicken - so sorry to hear of what you and your dh have been through and about the loss of your daughter.

We lost our son in similar circumstances in May after finding abnormalities in May.

I can only say time does ease things but its not easy living thoruhg it . Take all the time you need - seek help if you feel up to it from friends/family, mumsnet - nothing like the sort of intimate but anonymous forum to help vent feelings and support groups (your midwife maybe , ARC, SANDS).

I would also recommend counselling - I was completely anti it and in two minds about going but am glad I stuck with it. Something like this is completely life changing as it alters your perception about the world/yourself forever- counselling was very valuable to help deal with that as well as the grief.

Take care xx

Thinking of you today Katy, and you too Chicken learning to cope with what has happened to you. I am having a quiet moment to think of you and others who have lost. Take care.

hello chickentonight...i'm new at all this but i felt that this was a similar thing to what me and my partner have just gone through..i had a beautiful baby girl, Jasmine on Jan 20th 2008...We found out at our 20 weeks scan that she had hypoplastic left heart syndrome..with a restricted atrial septum...she would have needed open heart syndrome the first day she was born and then again at 2 yrs and then at 5 yrs and basically wouldn't have had a full life..we both decided that a termination was probably the best thing...selfishly i would have loved to continue with my pregnancy but i just knew that wouldn't be fair on Jasmine. I felt like what right did we have to make that decision so i felt so guilty. i also was looking forward to being a first time mum so much..we are having a funeral this week i just needed to be able to remember her for being our little girl.. I can't thank Gloucester royal hospital enough they were so brilliant really helpful and supportive..All i can say is that me and my partner of 6 years are closer than ever and one day i hope we will become parents again..

Chicken Tonight...I am so sorry to hear about your recent loss. I wanted to write to you to let you know that i am in a similar situation. I am currently 15 1/2 weeks pregnant and just found out on tuesday that my baby has Situs Inverses (all of the organs are flip flopped to the opposite side) and Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which is a serious heart defect where the left side of teh heart is severly underdeveloped. The baby, if born, would have to go through multiple open heart surgeries starting with the week the baby was born. This also can never be corrected, just helped. The baby would ultimately only have 2 chambers instead of 4....if every surgery was successful. Eventually a heart transplant would be needed. I don't think this is a quality life for a child...to go through multiple surgeries for teh rest of their life.
I go in for the termination tomorrow. I found out that I was having a girl. I already have a one year old son. I am devastated. Please let me know how you are coping with it all. I am here to talk if you need to.

Mirbs...I just read your message and we are in teh SAME situation. I wish you the best of luck and pray that you WILL be parents soon enough. I am sure you will. Write me if you want to talk or exhange emails.

Hi there - sorry have only just read your message. I am so sorry about your loss. I too have just been through a tx for my third baby due to abnormalities at 13 weeks. We are completely devastated. I have found a lot of support from ARC - antenatal results and choices (www.arc.co.uk). They have a wonderful helpline staffed during office hours mon-fri and there is also a bulletin board like this one where you can share experiences with other people who have been through similar ordeals.

You did the best you possibly could for your baby in impossible circumstances.

With love

Flower68
xxxx

Hi - I am posting this hoping someone can give me some advice. I don't want to upset anyone so please forgive me if I do.

My nanny is pregnant with an unexpected but very much wanted second child. She found out this week that it has spina bifida. I have told her that I do not expect her in work next week - she has got to make some terrible decisions and needs space and time.

However, when should I expect her to return? I can't imagine this is something you get over quickly and would guess that in many ways it's life changing. I want to be as kind and helpful as I can be - she is a valued nanny - but at the same time I can't give her indefinate paid leave and will need to recruit a temporary replacement if she wants to take much time off.

I am hoping that you might be able to give me some ideas as to timings etc. I do not plan to even mention any of this before she has made her decision but I do need to sort out some sort of contingency plan as I do need to go to work myself. If she does have a termination how long do you think it takes before some sort of normality returns and she might want to come back to work?

Thank you all for your help and I'm very sorry if I'm asking personal questions or dragging up painful memories. I'm aware of how awful a time this is for my nanny and want to avoid making it any worse if I can possibly help it.

apologies - will do so.

I have cryed reading through this thread... i have no experience of this but there is some great posts on here.. and i hope you can find some comfort even though your heart must be broken.....

look after yourself and cry if you need to .....

lot of love

xx