Termination at 22 weeks

[ChickenTonight]

My husband and I have just had the worst week of our lives. Major abnormalities were detected with our baby at our 20 week scan, some of which were confirmed by an amnio shortly afterwards. After several heartbreaking days of soul searching and trying to decide what is best for our family (this is our 3rd child), we took the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I gave birth to a little girl on Sunday. I feel numb, raw, but also experienced feelings of great love and happiness when holding the baby after the birth. I went back to hospital yesterday to say goodbye to her again, and am now finding it very hard to accept that she has gone. I am not regretting our decision to terminate, but can't help feeling so desperately sad about what might have been - and how unlucky we are/she was to have had this happen. I know time will be be a great healer, but does anyone have any experience or tips to get us through these first very painful days and weeks?

God I am so sorry to hear this.

I had the same awful choice to make as you and did the same thing. I found SANDS enormously helpful, look up their forum and there is a thread especially for those in your situation. My baby had Patau's syndrome, which is fatal. I keep a photo of him by my bed.

Saying goodbye is so hard, but as time has gone on I have come to realise that he is always with me - as your darling daughter will always be with you.

Keep posting, we are all here for you and your partner. xxxxx

ChirckenTonight,

did the hospital take photos for you and handprints?

so sorry to hear this. Thoughts are with you.

Dear ChickenTonight,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. The same exact thing happened to me in 1999. 20 week scan, bad new, heartbreaking choice, termination. The choice wasn't exactly a choice. In order for us to do the very best for our son, we terminated the pregnancy. The hospital was fantastic. Dedicated room 2 midwives on at all times. They even made sure to take care of my DH.

A close friend of mine put it in a great perspective for me. She said that if he was 18 years old and got in a horrible car crash and was on life support with no hope of recovery or any quality of life, would we turn off the machines. I said yes, of course. It would have been cruel to prolong his life. She told me to think of my body as his life support machines.

That message helped me come to terms with my loss. In my mind it's against nature for a parent to bury a child. It always hurts. It's such a temendous pain that you think you won't survive. But you do. Life does go on and with 2 children around, you have to make sure life goes on, not just for you but for them as well.

9 years and 2 sons later, it still pains me. I mark his birthday and his due date by quiet reflection, and treat my other sons a little nicer on those days! One day when they're older I will tell them about thier "big brother".

Please contact me on or offline if you want to talk about it. I know exactly what you're going through and would be happy to help anyway I can.

chicken so sorry to hear about your little girl.

I went through this 2 years ago this month. Extremely severe spina bifida was detected at my 20 week scan, it was made clear to me that the baby would probably not survive to full term and would in any case not live very long at all. I had a termination and gave birth to a little boy who was the most beautiful thing in the world. I had mixed feelings on that day as you did. Of course it was so sad but holding him in my arms I felt so happy and lucky to have held him and privileged to meet him.

His problems were caused by medication that I was on, that I needn't have been on, so there was a lot of anger that came later. The first couple of weeks I just felt despair and at one point felt so low I really thought there was no point me being here, I thought my baby needed me and I should be where he was.

It's so easy to say but time is a great healer. I think of him all the time. I now have a wonderful DS 8mo who brings me such joy everyday.

At this time keep talking to your husband, support and listen to each other, take comfort in the children you have. I couldn't talk to anyone for ages, just my parents and my husband, you may feel like this as well.

Thinking of you.

chicken I'm so sorry. I went through something similar but at 16 weeks so it was easier in that it was earlier and I was spared the labour. All I can say is that with grief, you just have to walk right through it. There is no way round it. Walk through it and know that others have walked there before and have survived.

You will get through this but you may not want to speak to anyone. I went into hibernation for about six weeks. Could not speak to anyone other than close family. Do what you have to do to look after yourself.

My dd was born less than 12 months after my termination and I give thanks for her every day.

love and thoughts for your little girl

Oh Chicken. My throat has gone tight and I can't breath properly again. The worst week of my life was back in September. I gave birth to my little boy Oscar after a termination for Trisomy 18 at 22 weeks. Problems detected on the 20 week scan too.

No real tips I'm afraid. It is unutterably sh*t for the first few weeks. I found my grief was most desperate and unbearable for the first fortnight or so, probably while the worst of the hormones are still settling down. After that I was still incredibly sad and only just coping with getting up and having a life etc., but I didn't feel on the edge of madness anymore.

I still miss my little boy , but it is not so bad as it used to be. In hindsight it really helped to have a proper but very simple funeralservice before the cremation, and to have the grandparents there. My little girl was to young to understand anything so we left her with friends. But don't let people rush you into arranging things. She will be fine at the hospital until you are ready to arrange things, be that a few days, weeks or whatever.

I have found ARC (Antenatal Results & Choices) very helpful, though I only discovered them a few weeks after. www.arc-uk.org They are wonderful caring people and offer both emotional support and practical advice and info. There is a helpline, or web forum, and if you like they will put you in contact with someone to support you who has been through the same experience. If you e-mail or call they respond very quickly.

Other people have found SANDS useful but I found it too generic for me. There is something totally specific about the decision to end a life and I found I needed people who really understood that.

ARC will provide an informal counselling side of things but have you been referred to a counsellor by your hospital or GP? If not, I would. It has definitely helped me. I am still seeing her now and it has helped me through the worst patches. Things are definitely getting better, but they are still hard sometimes, but not nearly as hard as it was.

My heart goes out to you and your DH. I can remember the hollow awfulness of it all. The feeling that this was so cruelly unfair. Give yourself time, it won't go away quickly but it will ease. Don't push yourself and take as much help as you can.

Sorry that this is a bit rambling and rather long. So sorry you are having to go through this total crap. If you want to talk more, let me know and we can swap mail addresses. I shall think of your little girl, let me know her name.

I have no experience of this but I could not read and write no reply.

My heart and thought are with all you women that have had such a sad occurence may all your little precious angels rest in peace together happily

Hi, my first son was stillborn at 26 weeks, 5 years ago now. Similar to you but not the same. I would echo what others have said about Sands and ARC. Both are brilliant.

I also helped start a website, which is a friendly place, very supportive. We have members that have had late terminations, stillbirths and neonatal deaths. If you want to join drop me a line (we keep it private to keep weirdos out - there have been a few). kpotts at hotmail dot com is the best way to get in touch with me (but with the symbols not the numbers!)

Finally - things do get easier, but it is very, very slow.

Thank you so much for all your supportive comments and suggestions. It is a great help to hear from people who have experienced similar loss, although of course I wish that none of us had had to go through this. I have been in touch with ARC - who I found to be extremely supportive, and no doubt will be ringing them a lot more in the weeks and months to come. I was lucky to have 2 lovely midwives - and have now met both the hospital bereavement midwife and the chaplain, who were both some help.

I will be getting photos from the hospital, and look forward to being able to put them in a special place to remember the baby - along with other mementos (my eldest has drawn the sweetest and most poignant card for the baby).

At the moment, as I am only 2 days in, I feel that I am dealing with all kinds of hormonal responses. My heart and body needs to be mothering the baby I have given birth to, but it can't. It is very very hard.

Thank you all for your compassionate and caring responses, it really is a great help to know that people are listening and understand.xx

Chicken I am just so sorry for the loss of your beautiful and precious baby girl.

I'm sure words cannot describe how you must be feeling right now and I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through.

My dh and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate our little boy, Harry, at 25 weeks.
The day we were given the news about his condition was the worst day of our lives and I will never forget it.
We then spent weeks agonising over our decision, all the time feeling him grow inside me.

I will never forget the day I held him in my arms, so tiny but yet so perfect. It was the saddest but also the proudest moment of my entire life. Like you I also went back to see him a few days later because I just couldn't cope with the thought of him being on his own. I just needed to tell him that I loved him one last time.
A part of my dh & I died with our little boy that day and we felt like we would never come back from that. We grieved together at the start and we needed each other, we pulled each other through the dark days.

The hospital were brilliant and they dressed him in a little knitted outfit and a little knitted teddy.
They also gave us a memory box with his name tag, photo's and hand & foot prints.
We also put in all of his cards, memento's, a little outfit & a teddy we bought for him.
This is my most treasured possession & I often get Harry's box out and have a little cry. I also have a photo of me & him by the side of the bed.

We also keep the poem in there that we chose for the vicar to read at his cremation.
The hospital arranged everything for us and all we had to do was meet the vicar beforehand so he could go a little way in understanding what we wanted.

At first we were unsure about attending the cremation or having a funeral but we decided that Harry deserved a proper goodbye. This was definitely the best decision for us.
We kept it simple & only wanted close family around us on the day.
I think it really brought it home to those of the family who had been insensitive and who hadn't really understood what we were going through.

We lost our little boy (regardless of the fact it was our decision) on 7th February 2007. That day will be imprinted in my heart forever and I think about him every moment of every day. However it does get easier. Someone said to me that you will learn to carry your little boy in your heart instead of on your shoulders and this is so true.
Nearly a year on I can honestly say that I feel like Harry will always be in my heart, he will always be with me. In the weeks after, I felt like a weight was on me and like I would never be happy again. This feeling does subside and so do the dark days.

Some people may not understand but I find great comfort in having his ashes with us. I can't let him go just yet. Dh's mum keeps bringing up how we must scatter them. But WE will do this when WE are ready and no one will tell us otherwise.

My main advice would be to take each day as it comes. Grieve when you want to grieve, cry, shout, scream, get angry.
Your emotions will be all over the place and you are allowed as much time as you need.
You and your dh will grieve together and separately, this is perfectly normal.

• Don't try to go back to work too soon. I was going insane at home & thought I was ready 2 weeks after having Harry and when I went to the GP to get a 'back to work' note I ended up completely breaking down on her.

She then signed me off for another 4 weeks which was definitely the best thing she could have done for me, that and just being there for me, listening to me.

• You have been through labour and so you must give yourself time to physically recover as well as emotionally.
• Keep all memories of your baby girl. You will appreciate having these treasured possessions for quiet times of reflection.

They could also help your dd's in years to come if you decide to explain everything to them.

• Also consider planting something like a rose bush or an apple tree as this will help you as you see it grow & bloom every year. We planted snowdrops and bluebells as we will find comfort in watching the snowdrops flower in February but also the bluebells flower in May when Harry would have been due.

I am here should you want to talk, rant or need advice/experiences
My email address is helsuk2003 at yahoo co uk
I will keep checking in this thread to see how you are doing.
Sorry it's such a long one but I hope that it's helped you in some way.

xxxx

So very sorry to read of your loss, chickentonight. I hope all the support and posts here are helpful for you. Take care.

ChickenTonight I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, it's such a sad time for you right now.

I lost my first baby at 20 when I went into labour. When I held him I felt overwhelmed with amazment at the sight of my amazing baby and then suddenly it hit my like a sharp blow to the chest that he was dying and we only had limited time with him. The hospital took photos and hand'foot prints which I did look at for the first few days and then I had to put them away as it became to painful to have the reminders. This happened 8 years ago last week and I still feel great sadness about losing him but it did become easier to cope with over time.
In July last year I lost another boy this time at 16 which was a hard sitiuation to deal with in it's self but also brought back the memories of the first mc I suffered. It happened at the start of the school summer holidays and I just shut myself and the girls away from the world for about 4 weeks until I could face people, it still sadens me now but having my girls this time round has made it easier even though they were upset that they lost a brother and now I'm pregnant again the older one (6) keeps saying that she doesn't want this one to die which breaks my heart.
I'm thinking of you and your family and anyone else who has suffered the loss of a pregnancy

Chicken tonight.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am and to everyone else who has been through this.

A close friend of mine went through the same thing 8 months ago.

My sympathy to you and your family.

Chickentonight, am very very sad for you and your little baby girl. I do know what you're going through having been through the same experience myself 5 months ago. The worst time for me was the week between finding out there were serious problems at my 20 week scan to going through the termination at 22 weeks. We gave ourselves time to ask all the questions, and came to the conclusions we'd known all along, but we needed to feel we had covered all ground thoroughly. At the time I felt like I was going out of my mind. I probably was a bit. Like you, I found a lot of comfort in holding my baby boy and experienced an emotional euphoria, which may seem strange given the circumstances. Then there was a certain relief that the physical part of it was over. For the next 2 or 3 months I think I must have been quite fragile although outwardly I was bouyant. I also had a spate of hypochondria where I worried about ridiculous things - mostly health-related. I suppose hormones are rife for a long time and I was pretty run down anyway. I found it helped to talk about it, but that's how I deal with things. With the best of intentions, a lot of people, my family included, didn't want to discuss it and would change the subject. My DH and I couldn't talk about it without depressing each other. I found this site invaluable. It amazes me what women go through to have babies and I feel in good company. I also have a 34 month old DD and she has been my absolute focus. In fact, the week afterwards I decided money was no object against the universal truth of our mortal existence and bought her a stack of clothes and toys. Going to work also helped restore some sense of normality and luckily my work were very supportive at the time. I kept myself very busy and surrounded by people in the immediate aftermath. Again, this is just how I personally deal with things. We also had a funeral quite a few weeks afterwards - just my DH and I. We were dreading it, but although it was unbelievably sad (the casket was tiny), it was a positive kind of sadness, if that makes sense. We were able to say goodbye. We gave our son a song and a poem and will always remember him by those. Someone told me that all those who die young go to heaven and I'm not religious as such, but I'd like to believe there is a God and it comforts me to think my son is with him. We also dreaded our appointment with the consultant, but although the news wasn't particularly good (they don't know what caused it, but is mostly likely genetic and so there is a risk of recurrence, but they don't know how big a risk) I felt strangely optimistic afterwards. Now, I genuinely feel back on track although I may go a bit wobbley if I get pregnant again. I desperately want a brother or sister for my daughter, but paradoxically am terrified of being pregnant so am going about the art of conception in a contriving-not-to hit-the-key-dates kind of way in consequence.

I really do feel for you as everything must be so raw right now. My only advice is to take good care of yourself, apply your usual self-remedies for times of crisis and know that time will make it better.

Chickentonight, I am so sorry for the sad loss of your daughter. Did you name her?

Sadly I am another who has gone through a similar experience. My first son Cai was stillborn 15 years ago at 30 weeks. I have since had 3 more sons who are my world, but Cai is always in my heart and just as special as my other 3 boys.

The pain never goes away, but it does get easier to cope with. Your little girl will always be a part of you.

I feel so sad for you and sad for everyone else here who has suffered in similar ways.

I am a member of the site growlygus mentioned and have been for 4 years. Everyone on there is fantastically supportive and I only wish I'd had that support 15 yrs ago.

Take care of yourself and just take everyday as it comes. The day will come when this won't seem quite so raw, I promise.

Lots of love to you x

There are no words. Your heart must be broken, God bless x

Chicken tonight, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news about your daughter. I am lucky enough not to have had to go through this but a close friend lost her baby in labour at term and this was so very sad. I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength in the coming months.

Thinking too of all the other families who have lost a child in these awful circumstances.

I have no experience of this and am so sorry for your loss.
But a close friend of mine had exactly the same experience as you in November and she says she just gets through each day because she gets up to go to work or look after her daughter and wants to focus on trying for another baby even though she will never forget this little one.
The 20 week scan followed by amnio and she had a termination at 23 weeks. She had a little girl.

She said the midwives called round several times which really helped and she was offered counselling which at the time she wasn't sure whether to take up.

She is a very positive person and in several years I have never seen her stressed or in a bad mood, after the first few weeks when asked she will say she is fine, but her husband doesn't look fine at all. They had a service for the baby at the crematorium and said that helped a lot to say goodbye in a way that we understand when we lose loved ones.

I just thought it might help you to know that there is someone else recently had the same experience and to offer my sympathy and support at this awful time for you xx

I've just logged on hoping to find some help as I appear to be in the same situation as you. Apart from my nightmare is yet to be over. We have just discovered that our little girl has some severe development problems and I am 21 weeks pregnant. At the moment we feel that the best thing to do is not to carry on with the pregnancy but it is the hardest thing. She is still moving around lots and I keep changing my mind - but we have to thing about her quality of life and what it would mean for our family, especially my other daughter. My heart goes out to you as I understand the unbelievable agony you have been through. But you obviously are a very strong person with a lot of courage. If you are able I would like to keep in touch over the coming weeks as I am going to need a lot of help.

Katy77, I'm so sorry you have this dilemma to face too
My son had died when he was delivered at 22 weeks so I don't have the very specific experience of having to make hard decisions but I'm bumping this so that others on the thread might spot your post.
I trust that after your scan results you were counselled by the hospital and also perhaps referred to ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices).
Depending on the nature of your dd's diagnosis you might also be able to find support groups on the net for families who have been in a similar situation.
The help I got from Mumsnet was vital for me five years ago so I hope posting today helps and I hope you get lots of good advice XXX

Definitely get in touch with ARC katy77 - they will help so much. I hope you have been given the details by the hospital.

Any of you that have been through/going through this that would like to join the Baby Loss Support Group would be more than welcome. We are very friendly. I am one of the managers. It often helps to be able to just realise that you are not alone. It is a supportive friendly little group. And from running it for the last 5 years I think it is a 'healthy' community in that the people that leave, leave because they feel strong enough to do so and that they don't need the support anymore.

Drop me a line if you want to.

kpotts at hotmail dot com (but symbols not words!)

Chicken, Katy77, I'm so sorry to hear this. I have very little to add to the fantastic advice above, and can only speak from the experience of terminating at 13 weeks for genetic reasons, which I think must be very different to terminating at 20 weeks +. It's a heartwrenching decision to make but a very brave one if you go through with it. Katy77 do stay on Mumsnet, everyone will help you with this.

It sounds strange but I found comfort in the fact that the whole of range of emotions I was feeling was not only shared by many other patients, but was also acknowledged by the medical profession (so I wasn't going mad). Online I found an article (thesis) written by a midwife who has had many, many years' experience of pregnancy termination and who wanted to get the consultants to recognise what their patients were going through. When I read it I recognised so much of what was being said. Again, this probably sounds strange to many... But do CAT me if you'd like me to send you a copy over e-mail and I will.

Good luck both of you and do keep posting.