My brother is dying

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

My brother is 41 and dying of terminal cancer, he only has a few weeks left. I'm going to see him this weekend in the hospice to say goodbye. How do I do that? How do I live without him? I'm heartbroken. He's my whole childhood.
This is so surreal and incomprehensible.
I'm rambling but hope others may have been through similar with a sibling and can identify.

[FatArse123]

I'm so sorry for your loss, @CloseYourMouthLynn

OP, my (much) younger brother died of cancer a few years back. You will learn to manage this. The early days of grief can be absolute hell, mad, overwhelming, exhausting. I remember being blown away by raging tornadoes of sadness, I had no idea anything could be so painful, and I spent a lot of time in shock because of it. But it's not like that now, I've gained the capacity to live a happy life with sadness. How you feel will change too.

I understand what you mean about the trauma of witnessing the death, I've found EMDR really helpful for that (it's just a way of processing trauma with a therapist). Talking really helps too - we don't talk about death enough, and I for one welcome it, so please do keep posting if you want to. The sadness will never go away, but you'll find people on this board to support you with it. It can be easy to feel isolated in grief, but you're not alone.

[purpleboy]

I'm so sorry, I've no words of advice, you've had lots already. But just sending you love and strength to get through these dark days.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@FatArse123 thank you and Im very sorry for your loss too. Brothers are so precious, I wish I had told him I loved him every day. I'm grateful that I got to tell him how much I loved him and he said it back a week before he dies, before he could no longer speak and all I could do was feed him sips of water and sssh my 41 big brother like a baby.
I collapsed in tears on the kitchen floor earlier as a song came on the radio that was playing on the drive back home from the hospice after he had died. My 7 month year old son looked very confused. I don't feel like I'm parenting very well right now. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lonely even though I have lots of family and friends. I feel so overwhelmed by it. Thank you for your kind words. Talking about it is helping. I feel like sibling grief is very hard to understand unless you've been through it. I thought he would be in my life forever. X

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

I have started writing things down so that I don't forget anything about the last time we had together, however hard it was.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@purpleboy thank you. X

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Not sure if anyone will read this, but my darling big brother has been dead nearly 4 months now. I miss him so much, my heart physically hurts when I think of him and that I will never see him again, never have a message from him again, never hear his voice, never have another hug.
I go back to work in a couple of weeks (on maternity leave) and I'm dreading it, as people who don't know will ask how my leave was and I will agonise over whether to tell them what happened or not.
I feel like I'll never feel true joy again. How can there be joy when he is not here. My lovely brother.

[Londoncatshed]

So sorry OP. I’m afraid I have no wise words but hopefully bumping your thread so others respond. Sending you strength.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@Londoncatshed thank you. X

[weegiemum]

I'm so sorry OP. My eldest little brother died of a covid-induced heart attack in March, he was only 45. I think of him every day, he was such a wonderful person. He lived with autism and learning difficulties but was a fantastic uncle to my children.

At his funeral, the celebrant said we were all there, not just because we loved him, but because we were one of the people he loved. That has been a real comfort to me, he loved me, and everyone in our family, so much.

I don't have any advice about how you cope with going back to work, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with all this during your maternity leave. But I know how hard it is to lose a brother, no matter the circumstances. You'll be in my thoughts.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@weegiemum thank you, and I'm sorry you lost your brother, what a shock to have not known it was coming too, Im not sure what is worse.

I'm grateful in a way that I have been on maternity leave, I've been able to live in a bubble ot grief but it does make it harder to think about trying to act normally when my whole life has changed.

[BigcatLittlecat]

It is so sad OP, the loss of a sibling is truly life changing! I lost my sister very suddenly last December and it has been the hardest of years! We were with here and I can begin to see what a privilege that was. I cannot say that time is a healer, but there are times when you can smile again. I loved what #weegiemum said about being at the funeral not just beacuse we loved them, but because they loved us too! That brings comfort.
I'm sorry I cant say anything more helpful, please look after yourself though. I'm sending you strength.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@BigcatLittlecat thank you and I'm so sorry that you lost your sister. I was 'lucky' to be with my brother when he died, I know in time I'll be grateful, but for now it still remains a very traumatising event, saying goodbye to him and leaving him was the hardest thing I'll ever do.
I find it hard to identify with anyone around me, as noone I know has lost a sibling so young, you expect to grow old together and to lose that future feels very unfair.

His funeral was a blur but I do hope that he had some comfort in knowing we were all with him at the end, he so wanted to live.

Thank you for your wishes. X

[mrssunshinexxx]

@CloseYourMouthLynn I can feel every word of your grief OP. I'm so sorry you lost
Your brother far too young . I'm probably not a good person to reply I lost my mum suddenly 2.5 years ago and it's still just as painful as the day she died. Life is so unfair

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@mrssunshinexxx I'm sorry about your mum. I find it hard to not have anyone who has suffered grief around me (other than my immediate family) as there is noone who understands how I feel. My husband is lovely but cannot relate to the pain I am experiencing.

[hangryorhungry]

@CloseYourMouthLynn

@FatArse123 thank you and Im very sorry for your loss too. Brothers are so precious, I wish I had told him I loved him every day. I'm grateful that I got to tell him how much I loved him and he said it back a week before he dies, before he could no longer speak and all I could do was feed him sips of water and sssh my 41 big brother like a baby.
I collapsed in tears on the kitchen floor earlier as a song came on the radio that was playing on the drive back home from the hospice after he had died. My 7 month year old son looked very confused. I don't feel like I'm parenting very well right now. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lonely even though I have lots of family and friends. I feel so overwhelmed by it. Thank you for your kind words. Talking about it is helping. I feel like sibling grief is very hard to understand unless you've been through it. I thought he would be in my life forever. X

Have you heard of this support group OP. They might be of help to you. I am so sorry for your loss - your posts cut deep and portray such love.
www.siblingsupport.co.uk/

[mrssunshinexxx]

No one can like you say unless they are living it and of course you don't want anyone you love and care about to experience this pain @CloseYourMouthLynn

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@hangryorhungry thank you, I've not seen this I will have a look. X

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@mrssunshinexxx thank you x

[problembottom]

I’m really sorry to read this. I lost my lovely brother two years ago when my DD was 1, it was sudden. The first few months were a question of survival, I was so traumatised and grief stricken. The pain and loss seemed far too great to bear at first but to my surprise you do learn to live with it and be happy again. I knew my brother would be willing me on. Best wishes to you.

[anothergrievingsister]

Hello, OP -

NC for this post

I am very, very sorry for your loss and your continued grief. Cancer is unspeakable, and watching your dearly loved brother suffer must have been beyond words.

But you had the small piece of good fortune to be able to say good bye, and he to be surrounded by people he loved and who loved him as he was released from his pain. My beloved baby DB who had Covid early in the summer, suffered a medical event (probable heart attack) whilst pursuing the hobby he loved solo and died six weeks ago.
He had many friends, good ones, but never a lasting partnership. Last year he had pursued this hobby in the same place with a woman, but this year he was alone. He was a little bit older than your DB. I am the eldest and he the youngest. I adored him, but didn’t think I should burden him with that, so stayed low key. How I wish I had been more explicit.

He lived far away and was somewhat CV and DH and I saw him briefly this summer for the first time since Covid although we talked frequently. The three of us had a house rented in an area suited for all of our hobbies later this month. I don’t know how I will get through that period. Sometimes I don’t know how I get from one day to the next; at other times I am able to make some attempt to live in a way that honours DB. Words cannot begin to describe how much I miss him

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@problembottom I'm very sorry to hear of you losing your brother too. It's so hard when an entire future is robbed. We should have grown old together, my children should remember him, but now he'll just be a photo to them.
It is comforting to know that it does get easier down the line, thank you for that. X

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@anothergrievingsister I'm very sorry to hear about your brother and to be honest, when I think back to when it was the six week mark it was still so raw, not that it isn't now, but it is already different, not better but less paralysing, if that makes sense.

It must have been such a shock to have lost him with no warning, I'm sorry you didnt have chance to say goodbye. We have almost been grieving for 5 years as his outcome was sadly inevitable, even if we denied it for awhile (or hopeful). To watch him deteriorate and to pass away was very traumatising. That for 5 years, his life was spent in fear is heartbreaking.

My brother left a wife and young son and that is hard. Like you, getting through the things that should have been are so hard to think of. Christmas, birthdays, things we should have done. I hope you're able to celebrate him at the time in which you should have gotten together.
I have found journalling helped and have planted a tree and plaque in my garden. Everyone is different.
But mostly I'm angry that he is not here.

[anothergrievingsister]

Oh, OP, thank you for this reply. I can see that watching your beloved DB decline for five years was a different kind of hell.

There really is no good death when it comes too soon

[meateatingveggie]

@CloseYourMouthLynn I may have already commented under another name..

My darling brother died 2 years ago after a 5 year struggle with cancer. I knew it was inevitable, so did he I think. He had found happiness in his last years after a vile marriage.

You say he was your partner in crime, I have described mine as this, as well as my longest friend, my whole childhood, my past. I have also lost both parents. My brother was the best bloke I've ever known, and I say that as a very happily married woman of 40 years.

2 years on it is less raw. I still cry often, but not daily. It has changed me. I just will not ever get my head around how he could so cruelly be made to suffer as he did. He didn't deserve it.

I hope you find peace. I hope I do, although I may be a step closer. You aren't alone though. This grief is so hard.

[ArseMenagerie]

Just wanted to say that the love you have for your brother shines out of your posts @CloseYourMouthLynn
So sorry for your loss. I’d feel a secret part of me: my identity and childhood would be gone without my sibling and I am sending you so much love and strength from across the internet.
Trite I know but when I imagine the other way - that I had died- I’d want my brother to live well. To have a wonderful and happy life - So your joy (as well as your pain) can be for him x