My brother is dying

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

My brother is 41 and dying of terminal cancer, he only has a few weeks left. I'm going to see him this weekend in the hospice to say goodbye. How do I do that? How do I live without him? I'm heartbroken. He's my whole childhood.
This is so surreal and incomprehensible.
I'm rambling but hope others may have been through similar with a sibling and can identify.

[ItWillBeOkHonestly]

@Strokethefurrywall

I'm so so sorry OP - I lost my brother in 2012. It was the 10 year anniversary 2 days ago.

He was 28 when he died, of cancer as well. The lovely doctors at Royal Marsden told us on 12 June that it was the end, that we should prepare ourselves. And so began that 48 hours of preparing family, friends, gathering together to say goodbyes. We were all with him when he took his last breath.

Oddly, I remember just wanting the wait to be over. I wanted to be able to move past the feeling of helplessness of watching someone suffer and struggle, into the raw grief of death. At least then I could grief for myself and my loss - the grief I'd felt in the run up to it had been all for him, for the fear he must have been feeling, grief for my parents, my sister-in-law.

Without sounding trite, grief, as the old saying goes, is an ocean. At first the storm is raging over you, and the grief crashes over you over and over again in giant waves so that you don't know which way is up. And just when you come up for air, another wave hits you. You have to accept that you have to ride the wave, expect the unexpected.

It's only with time that the ocean starts to calm itself - the ocean is still grief, but with fewer waves, and the occasional big ones. Soon, perhaps after a number of years, the ocean is a flat sea under a warm sun. The wave only comes when there's a birthday or anniversary, or birth. When my brother died, I cried all the days (and nights) for weeks, then one day I only found I was crying at night. Then I cried every other day, then once a week, once a month and so on.

I've personally always visualised his death as a giant gaping hole ripped into our life. At first, the hole is black, ominous and terrifying, the edges raw, jagged, weeping, bleeding and painful to touch. A wound that can't be healed with stitches or band aids. I made a decision to fill that hole with as many positive things as I could. I started singing again, running marathons, performing live. I made a vow to my brother that I would take him with me on my adventures, made him a promise to live a life he would be proud of.

10 years on, the hole is still there of course. Only now the edges are smooth and healed. It's no longer dark and ominous, but a hole filled with light and joy. It no longer hurts to touch.

I'm so sorry you have to start this journey of grief soon, and that you have to watch someone you love so much leave. Please do lean on your friends and family and allow those who love you to look after you.

Is there any possibility you can be there with him at the end? Do you have other family for support?

Gosh, this is so beautifully described. Thank you!

OP, I am so sorry! 😔😔

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Thank you everyone, you're all very kind.
I'm still numb. Hearing my parents wail for their son and his wife asking him not to go, along with watching him fade away will stay with me forever, and I'm utterly changed as a person. I feel like part of me has died with him. However, I am honoured and fortunate to have been by his side until the end: to give him sips of water, to stroke his arm and kiss him and tell him I love him. Now I have to learn to live without him and help my parents to live without their son. I hate that he is cold on his own now.

[rocksonrocks]

I bet the sun was him, OP. I bet every sunset is him too. I bet you'll find him in raindrops and rivers and snow. You'll find him when you laugh and when you cry. You'll find him in moments of joy and in moments of loneliness. He may feel far away but he will always be near you. Meandering in a place unknown where he is still your brother, forever.

I cannot bear to think of the pain soaring through you right now. Keep saying his name, keep breathing your memories of him. Recreate some with your own children and let traditions be born from him. Etch and weave him into your life in every way you can and you'll soon find he's never really far.

Wishing you nothing but peace and contentment on your journey without him. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

[surlycurly]

What a beautifully heart wrenching thread. OP, I'm so truly sorry for your loss- I've cried raw tears reading your posts. And @Strokethefurrywall you have written about grief more eloquently than anyone I have spoken to on the subject in many, many years. You will give solace to many with your gentle understanding of this most complex of human experiences. Love to you both.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I lost my younger brother suddenly a couple of years ago. It was horrendously difficult. He was mid forties with a young family. I don't think you ever really recover, you just learn to live with it. Due to the nature of his illness, he was on life support so I never got to have a conversation with him. I just told him I loved him and willed him to wake up even though I knew he wouldn't. As difficult as it is, take this opportunity, tell him how much you love him, thank him for all the lovely memories. I'm so sorry you're going through this

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I'm so sorry, I missed your update. I'm so glad you were all with him and I hope he rests in peaceful sleep. Remember him with love and light

[Liglig]

I'm sorry you are going through this, sibling wise I have lost a sister before but she was 45 and was found deceased in her flat, so her death was very sudden and a shock. I had lots of guilty feelings afterwards about not seeing enough of her and not being able to help her or say goodbye. I can't imagine what it is like to know a sibling is going to pass away in advance and only know what it's like watching my parents both pass from cancer.

All I can recommend is to be yourself but also make sure to talk and ask your brother questions if need be, talk about everything you have always wanted to talk about. Maybe subtly let your brother know how important he is to you and how much you appreciate him, talk about good times you've had.

It's not easy at all, especially if you are close but you get through it somehow and it takes time, right now just try and make the most of your brother and let him know you are there for him.

[Liglig]

I've just noticed your latest update, I'm so sorry for your loss, I believe the sun coming out was your brother letting you know he is now free from all his pain and a message to not be sad and know he is watching over you from above. I hope this gives you a bit of comfort.

After my mother passed I kept finding coins, like 50 pences and pound coins, not the usual 1p or 2p coins you see, I believe it was her and it made me feel at ease.

[viques]

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Take care of yourself and those around you.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Thank you all, your words bring true comfort. I want to do everything I can to make sure that he is remembered. He was one in a million. My big bro.

[MyFragility]

I'm so so sorry Lynn for your loss.

There are no words. I find that remembering memories and talking about your loved one helps. I also look for things that are slightly unusual in my daily life - such as a beautiful sunset, a butterfly, a friendly bird, a random feather, a song that means something randomly playing on the radio - I like to think that these are little signs and they give me comfort.

I also remember that having the opportunity to say goodbye is also a blessing. So many people don't even have that - so I try and find solace and comfort in everything.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Thank you everyone. Hard day today as my brain tries to compute things. I can't tally up the image of my dying brother with him. With kissing his cold dead body. I feel like I'm living under water. We told my daughter today that he had died so that she knows why I'm so sad and why he won't be there anymore.
I can't believe I won't see him again.
I went to message him earlier and then remembered.
I'm glad he is no longer suffering but I would give anything to have him back.
Thursday seems like a lifetime ago.

[butterfly990]

Sorry for the loss of your brother and childhood partner in crime.

There is a group called Compassionate Friends who are a country wide group who offer support for those that have lost a sibling, a child.

Your sister-in-law may wish to join in time WAY (widowed and young). You initially join online but then get access to a huge community of support both local and nationwide on Facebook.

Big hugs xx

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Thank you @butterfly990 I have seen both of these and they look very good. I have a couple of books now on loss of a sibling as an adult, i do not thankfully I suppose know anyone in my peer group who has experienced this so am seeking any similar experiences. You don't expect to be saying goodbye to your brother at this age. I naively assumed we would grow old together.

[334bu]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Theskyoutsideisblue]

Its a very hard road to travel especially as v few people know what it's like. Also expect a huge focus on your parents. Lots of people will focus on their terrible loss and forget yours. As you can see from my username. I will shortly reach my dead sisters age when she died. It's hard.💔💔💔

[clareth]

I’m so very sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my twin sister to cancer very nearly 3 years ago. We weren’t with her as she passed in the night, the hospice staff found her and called my parents and me in at 7am. I struggled for such a long time with the thought of her dying alone, without us there, but the hospice staff were convinced she went in her sleep and without distress.

Your lovely brother would have felt your love and care and he knew how loved he was.

I took some comfort in knowing she was out of her pain and suffering but it is all so very unfair and especially when young children are left behind.

The grief does still come in waves and sometimes it doesn’t feel very far away at all.
Let it come, let it out, talk about him, remember him, celebrate the times that you had with him.

I’m so sorry you’re on this journey xx

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@Theskyoutsideisblue im sorry for your loss. To lose your whole childhood shared memories is very difficult. All of the secret shared jokes and quirks that noone else will ever know or understand.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@clareth I'm so sorry for your loss and even more profound as you were a twin I'm sure.
I was very honoured to have been able to care for him and witness his final moments although it will forever haunt me.
I'm sure your sister knew how loved she was and if anything like my brother was sleeping soundly and felt no worry or pain at the time of passing.

[TwilightSkies]

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my big brother to cancer in January this year. He was 37. It still doesn’t seem real.
Im so glad we got to be with him at the end and I know he’s at peace now.
I wish you strength and healing as you navigate your grief xxx

[PatrioticPenny743]

Hold his hand, talk about memories you share, I did this, we laughed and cried, I took a photo of just our hands, holding tight, to remind me of that special time we had. I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through, take it a day at a time, and if that's too much, then take it an hour at a time, whatever you can bear, there is no right and wrong to grief. Sending hugs x

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

@TwilightSkies I'm so sorry for your loss. X

[Silene]

I also lost my brother, he was my 'little' brother and we were very close. My sister-in-law was lovely, and I was included in the times at the hospice. I sang to him, though that was incredibly hard, the lullabyes our mum and our granny had sung to us, I held his hand, rubbed his feet, we all tried to talk as normally as possible. It was such a hard time, but I will never forget saying to him, try to rest, and he said, I don't want to miss a moment. You won't forget his voice, he will always be near you. For ages afterwards, when I thought of him, and grief overwhelmed me, I could feel his warm arm round my shoulders. I know people would say, imagination, brain playing tricks, but it was very real and very comforting. Afterwards it will be a great comfort to you that you were able to do this for your lovely brother, it will help you so much. Sending you a handhold and hug, and thinking of you. xx

[clareth]

@Silene I’m so sorry you lost your brother. I used to dream of my sister in the early days and that was comforting to me, I knew it was a dream/my conscience really, but I also hoped that maybe she had been visiting me.

[CloseYourMouthLynn]

Thank you everyone. Really struggling. I can't believe he's gone and I'm quite traumatised by being there when he died and kissing him goodbye. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.