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Bereavement

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My brother is dying

109 replies

CloseYourMouthLynn · 15/06/2022 20:56

My brother is 41 and dying of terminal cancer, he only has a few weeks left. I'm going to see him this weekend in the hospice to say goodbye. How do I do that? How do I live without him? I'm heartbroken. He's my whole childhood.
This is so surreal and incomprehensible.
I'm rambling but hope others may have been through similar with a sibling and can identify.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 16/06/2022 21:38

Yes it's raw.

Someone kindly pointed out to me the other day it's raw for about a year because you have all the 'firsts' without them.

But you learn to go on.

I'm struggling but I know my mum wouldn't want me to be sat at home sad. So I do my everyday thing and talk about her all the time.

It hits at odd times. Like something happens or you see something and you think "must text mum to tell her". Then it hits you you can't. But I'm finding it reassuring she's still in my life in my mind even if not in person.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 16/06/2022 21:43

@itsgettingweird yes I am dreading all the firsts. It's his sons birthday in August, that will be tough. Then Christmas, and so on. I hope we can celebrate his life together for these occasions. But for him to not be there is unthinkable.
I hope it gets easier for you, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were very close.

OP posts:
janesmithsdog · 16/06/2022 21:44

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/06/2022 20:31

I am so sorry, I lost my brother a few years ago at a similar age.

I don’t mean this in a Pollyanna way - it’s fucking awful - but go with the intention to celebrate him, tell him how much you love him, talk about brilliant memories, laugh as well as cry.

What is likely to mean a lot to him, as well as knowing you love him, is knowing that he matters - he touched your life, and others, his memory will be carried on in your kids, in your heart, in your family traditions. Talk about how he’s touched your life.

I am so sorry again, it sounds like you are a great pair, and he must love you very much.

This is beautiful advice.

Queenie6655 · 16/06/2022 21:54

That is so so sad

And he is so young

Sending you lots of good wishes I'm just speechless that sounds so very unfair ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

CloseYourMouthLynn · 16/06/2022 22:01

@Luredbyapomegranate I forgot to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your brother too. The sibling bond is hard to replicate but also I've found it hard when grieving as thankfully noone I know has lost a brother this young.

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CloseYourMouthLynn · 16/06/2022 22:02

@Queenie6655 thank you. Yes the unfairness is hard to come to terms with. My dad is very angry at the world now as you can imagine.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 16/06/2022 22:16

OP, further to my earlier post, I struggled with the grief that my DSs wouldn't know him as well.

DS1 was 9 months when my brother passed and DS2 came along in 2014 so never met him at all. I very much struggled after having DS2 as I couldn't fathom that two souls I loved more than anything, would never meet. It was so utterly unfathomable to me.

But my boys talk about their uncle ALL THE TIME (they're 10 & 8 now). My brother was a musician, loved music, had a couple of albums, and my kids ask to hear it all the time. We watch videos of him and I have a box of memories of my brother, the items of clothing he bought DS1 when he was born. I guess we've done this so much since they were babies that they feel they know him.
We live overseas so when we visit the UK, they see all pictures of him, of us as kids all over my parents home. We're still very close with my SIL and she comes and spoils the kids all the time.

We've kept him alive by never shying away from speaking his name, we tell stories about him, my sister and I laugh at memories that the kids hear. So I think they've formed this picture of what he was like, and my sister in law tells them about the things he loved which they adore hearing. They argue between each other as to which of them is most like my brother, DS1 thinks it's him because they both love spaghetti bolognese, DS2 thinks its him because he loves the guitar.

So there are ways to keep your brother alive, and it does get easier to do this as the years pass.

winterchills · 16/06/2022 22:25

No advice but I'm so so sorry for the awful news.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 16/06/2022 22:33

@Strokethefurrywall that's really lovely and very heartwarming to know how much your son's think about your brother, even though they didn't know him. Must be so nice for you to see too. I really hope I can do this too. I've started putting together a memory box, like the cards he sent when they were born, the bib he got my son, a cardigan he got my daughter etc, so that I can give them something tangible of his to relate to. It will never take away the sadness that they couldn't know him, but I so want them to know how amazing he is. I cried today seeing my daughter hug my son because it was so beautiful but so heartbreaking because I'll never hug my brother like that again.

OP posts:
Lalosalamanca · 16/06/2022 22:49

I read your first post and literally my initial thought was - but love is forever and you WILL meet him again.

So I was glad to see later on you write exactly that in a card to him.

Remembering that love is eternal and holding tight to the belief that you will meet again, will bring some comfort on the sad days ahead. X

Strokethefurrywall · 16/06/2022 22:57

It's true you're in the thick of right now - the anticipation of the harrowing pain you know is coming your way. The dread of saying goodbye, the dread of all the last moments. I know how hard these parts were.

Like you, my siblings (I'm middle of 3) were my life. They are the shared connection to my entire childhood, the "other parts of my heart" as I refer to them. My best friends, my first enemies, my peers and my teachers. Losing them is like losing a piece of yourself, a severing of those shared memories and experiences. So you just have to remember for the both of you now, and the way to remember them is to share them - when you're feeling stronger, it might be worth writing down some of those memories, even snippets to help trigger them. Those are the memories you can share with your children.

Save down any home videos or photos, funny stories that will help bring him to life for them.

Reginaldina · 16/06/2022 23:13

CloseYourMouthLynn · 16/06/2022 21:25

@viques in the card I have written to him, which he may not have the strength to read, I have written how I will love him forever and will meet him again one day.

I remember everything: making radio shows together, dancing to cartoon theme tunes, being drunken idiots at gigs and parties. I just worry that I will forget his voice, how he spoke.

It's lovely that you have lovely memories of your brother.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and sending love, to you and your brother.

Would you be able to record him speaking, so you can listen in future? Maybe record the two of you chatting about the funniest times you had? Tell him you're going to. It was just what you said about his voice; I went to my lovely elderly neighbour's funeral recently and at the end they played a recording of him reading out one of his own poems. The poem was brilliant (it was about endings, new beginnings, life stages, and endings again) and it was so lovely to hear his voice, we cried buckets.

stomachcramps · 16/06/2022 23:19

@strokethefurrywall - that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 23/06/2022 23:01

My brother died at 6pm tonight. We were all with him when he went. I still can't believe it.

OP posts:
CloseYourMouthLynn · 23/06/2022 23:02

After he passed the sun came out. I hope it was him.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 23/06/2022 23:10

I think that the sun probably was him OP, sending lots of love

CatherineCawood · 23/06/2022 23:11

I hope he rests in eternal peace. Look sfter yourself OP. Big deep breaths X

tootsierubs · 23/06/2022 23:14

Flowers so sorry for your loss

Eslteacher06 · 23/06/2022 23:17

Im so pleased you were all with him when he passed. And Im so sorry. The pain you felt and was anticipating was what I felt with my dad and I'm reading this crying for you. Which is daft cause I don't know you!. It will feel utterly unbelievable right now. Just take one day at a time, or even a minute at a time.

Im honestly so sorry for you and your family.

Ruralbliss · 23/06/2022 23:18

That's a huge tragedy for you and his tribe. I'm so sorry for you all.

My best friend died of cancer 30 years ago now when we were in our early twenties. I still can't believe it to this day.

As others have said he will be with you and in your and maybe will fuel you to live life to the fullest for him squeezing every drop of life out of each day because you can and he won't.

Thinking of you and your pain. It's unbearable but you will bear it.

lijhyh · 23/06/2022 23:33

Thinking of you Flowers

Usou · 23/06/2022 23:37

A big hug to you CloseYourMouthLynn.

Things will be very bleak at the moment, but you will get through it.

Yes, I like to think that'll be him too. I've been through similar a few times, and I reckon they give us lots of different signs over the months and years.

Queenie6655 · 23/06/2022 23:38

I'm so very sorry

Will be thinking of you and your family over the next few days xxxxxx

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 23/06/2022 23:40

Lynn

I remember your other thread and I was so sorry to see your post this evening.

I never know what to say because nothing matters at the minute bar the heartache you feel.

But lovely, he went with love all round him. May the memories of that love and the happier times sneak up on you when it feels too hard to bear.

I like to think that we carry those we loved best with us as we go on. Flowers

Strokethefurrywall · 23/06/2022 23:42

I'm so, so sorry OP, but I'm so glad you were all with him.

Right now begins the slog. The part where you move through motions either on autopilot or mentally raging and screaming internally at the injustice. Or crying so hard you can't take a breath and it feels like your heart might shatter into a million pieces.

Your grief is absolutely a wound in your soul. Please please be very gentle with yourself. There are no "shoulds" right now. Please also seek counsel from MacMillan nurses if they're available, or a grief counselor if you have services.

And of course, this bereavement board is a lifeline. Many of us have been there, we understand the pain you're going through.

Much strength to you all at this time 💕💕💕

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