God, I am so sorry. Please, whatever happens, don't blame yourself. I'm sure your son doesn't blame you either. My older brother had terrible mental health problems when he was young. In his late teens, he sort of closed himself off. He had crippling social anxiety and, like so many teenage boys, intense shame. There were awful scenes growing up – my dad yelling at him, my mum in tears. They didn't mean to be cruel. They were just so worried. But no one could reach him. He tried going away to university but came home within days – couldn't cope with the social side. He then did a degree at the local university and lived at home. After that, he didn't work or do anything for years. When someone came to the door, he'd hide upstairs. Not from social anxiety, I don't think, but from shame.
Like your son he was a sweet boy – tall, good-looking, kind-hearted. Girls were attracted to him, and people wanted to be his friend. But he couldn't cope at alI. I suspect it was genetics. My father was avoidant and socially awkward, and he probably inherited those traits.
Looking back, it's amazing that he never turned to alcohol, self-harm or suicide. He didn't have any therapy, and didn't take any medication until he was in his 20s. No one did or said anything that helped. It was probably his inner life that saved him. He was, and is, one of those people who can withdraw into a happy inner world. I know he experienced some terrible bouts of agitated depression, however. Some of them were awful. I remember him not being able to sit down or control his leg movements or stop talking (I believe it's known as psychomotor agitation). Awful. It was like his nervous system had gone haywire.
After my dad died he opened up a bit and began dating. He's a loving brother and always there if I need him, but certain things are taboo. He never talks about sex or relationships, for example, and it's kind of hard to be truly intimate with him.
With all my heart I hope your son pulls through. There is a life beyond this. Maybe your son just isn't suited to being a teenager. I think that's what was wrong with my brother – he hated being a teen, hated all the pressure on him to have fun and socialize and 'achieve things'. Really, he just wanted to be left alone. This was back in the 1990s, before the internet. I can't imagine how awful it must be for a quiet, introverted teenager today. That sense of shame, of failure and missing out, etc, must be trebled by social media.
Now, in middle-age, he's the happiest I've ever seen him. I only tell you this to offer you hope. He's big reader and kind of lives in a world of books and ideas. And he's changed a lot. He's funny, charming, eloquent; on his day, amazing company. My partner says he's the best conversationalist he's ever met. Like I said, some boys just aren't suited to being teenagers. They are too sensitive and introverted. I think he was also too much of an individual. He hated the big group conformity of teenage life.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I merely wanted to reassure you. Twenty years from now your son may be a completely different person. xx