For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Hiya, how are you? Your poor Mum, I bet she is finding it so hard. I know my mum is as well. The weekend has been ok. Friday night I cried myself to sleep but I pulled myself together yesterday morning because we were going to do more work in mum and Dad’s garden and I can’t let mum see me in a state when she feels as bad as she does. So we did the garden all day and stayed and got a takeaway with my mum in the evening. And today we took my mum to a woods not far away for a long walk with the boys. The boys got to run around and go on rope swings. We spoke about Dad but then we always do. It’s like we carry on because we have to but it with such a deep sadness inside. I permanently just feel flat. I’m going to the cemetery tomorrow like I always do on a Monday but I’m taking my two boys as they’re off school for Easter and I think it’s important for them to go too.
I can imagine a kids party was a good distraction. I’ll take any distraction right now. Is it Easter hols for you now too?
Even looking at all the Easter eggs makes me depressed because my Dad loved a big egg, he loved chocolate.
Re the stone. We’re waiting to hear that the stone is in the country as we were told it takes a few months to arrive so still have to decide on wording. I think it’s totally down to you and what you want to put. You can put the age or years but like you, I’m not keen on ether xx

Flat is exactly it. Yes we’re off Easter too and my youngest has decided he wants to go to Easter camp for a least half of it so I’ll get to spend a bit of time with mum. I do a lot for her but I only actually spend a few hours a day with her and I’m so conscious of how many hours she’s alone. We did Sunday lunch there and again I just kept looking at dads pictures. I can’t believe we have to do Easter without them ☹️

Hi everyone, hope its ok to post here. I have just made an account after finding this thread last night and I couldn't believe how many of the posts described exactly how I was feeling.
My dad passed away 4 and a half weeks ago, very unexpectedly. I went to see him every week and on the 3rd March I found him dead on his sitting room floor. (Sorry if that upsets anyone or is too much information). He was only 61, I have just turned 27 and my birthday was the day after his funeral. Like a few others of you I too got the sympathy cards along with the birthday cards and felt so angry at people saying " he would want you to enjoy your day". How on earth could I?
I know people mean well and I have got a good support network around me but people keep saying "it does get better" but how can it be better when he's always going to be dead?
Anyway sorry for the depressing post, I just feel like I want to talk about him all the time and theres only so much people want to hear.

@Emily2602

Absolutely and of course it’s ok to join us! And I’m glad you have. I’m truly sorry about your dear Dad. And only a few weeks ago, it’s so so raw for you. There’s quite a lot of us on here so it can be difficult to remember everyone’s exact circumstances but like you, I have lost my Dad and I’m still in total shock. I can’t seem to overcome it or accept it. Like you, totally unexpected. My Dad was a little older than yours but not a lot really and still not an old man by any stretch. He was 74, fit healthy and well and never poorly or anything. I too saw him and my mum almost every day and my two young boys adored my Dad. He was like a second dad to them both, even my husband used to say that.
My Dad died on the 24th September. I saw my Dad that day in the morning when I pooped round, he was totally fine. Totally normal. I didn’t find him dead and that must be something that you just can’t get out of your head. It must be heartbreaking and Heart-wrenching to find your dad like that. I can’t imagine that, but the next night my mum rang me to say she thought Dad had just had a heart attack and she had paramedics with him in the room. My dad had been out and he came back and later in the evening was complaining of chest pain and he ended up keeling forward with what must have been a major heart attack as he went into cardiac arrest. This was the Thursday night and he died the next day on the Friday in hospital with us around him. But the shock and the unexpectedness of it, I can totally relate to. It’s so hard to accept even when you’ve seen them.
Was your Dad fit healthy and well?
I have been annoyed by so many people saying things like ‘time heals’ and ‘it does get better’. It’s sadly not true. I’m just six months on and I feel lower than I did in the first few weeks. Yes life goes on as you keep waking up each day and if like me you have kids, you have to take them to school etc or go to work but life is not the same, it’s brutally hard without them and you constantly ache for them to come back. I wish I could say something more positive. But please stay on here and hopefully you’ll find some comfort and support from sharing how you feel with us all. Do you want to tell us more about your Dad and what happened? Again, I am truly sorry for your loss, I really do know how it feels as does everyone else on here x

@Emily2602 - I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes, the 'time will heal' and 'it gets better' annoy me too. How do they know how I feel? Their experience is not mine.

Yesterday was hard, but also comforting. We scattered her ashes in the park she played in when she was little, around a huge oak tree. We scattered bee bombs and sunflower seeds too so there'll always be colour there. We can visit and talk to her as it's a real landmark tree.

We all went for a meal afterwards which was lovely. We shared stories and memories. We all felt really close which we haven't been for a while (life & all that). Cousin's daughter is pregnant and we met her fiancé. He's lovely and definitely one of 'us'. I still cried buckets though. We all did.

@iklboo

I was about to post this morning and ask how yesterday went. How did it go and how do you feel today? It is nice having somewhere to go where you can sit and feel close to them and talk. I’m on my way to the cemetery to talk to my Dad now. We’re waiting for Dad’s stone to go down so it’ll be better when that’s down but I go and sit and talk to him every week. I just talk to him in disbelief though, it’s still so hard to believe it’s my Dad who is buried there. I just can’t get my head around it, I must sound like a stuck record.

@LucyintheSky21 - I feel a bit raw today, and flat. How are you? I can't motivate myself to do anything, even get something to eat. DH was saying he's sorry he didn't book today off as we could have gone for a drive somewhere & had lunch. But he's a self-employed driving instructor and mad busy. His diary was booked up even before mum died.

I know what you mean about disbelief. I still think 'oh, I'll message mum about that' (she was very deaf so couldn't hear on the phone). There's just a big empty space where my parents were.

@iklboo

I know the feeling well, I’m feeling fly today too. Just on my way to sit bed talk to my Dad but it’s just so so wrong that I’m having to do this, and so painful. My Husband is self employed too and a driver in a similar kind of role. You will feel strange today. It’s just so unbelievably hard to face each day without them. Whatever you do, it’s just not the same and like you say, the gap or hole they leave is huge. x

Hi @Emily2602, it’s still so raw for you. Many of us understand the feeling so don’t worry about depressing anyone. Your dad was so young, what horrible circumstances. Everyone has some things that people say that drive them nuts, mine was “he’s always with you”. I kept wanting to scream that him being with me but I can’t talk to him or cuddle him wasn’t good enough! Be kind to yourself and take your time, grief seems to be a long journey.
@iklboo your day sounds so sad but so lovely as well. I’m glad you have family around to reminisce and talk about the good times. This part after the funeral does seem to be flat, your past the organisation stage and it hits you all over again. Sending strength

Thanks you @Motheranddaughtertotwo.

The house still needs to be fully cleared out and sold. Most of it has been done. The council were supposed to be collecting a load of bulky stuff at the weekend but didn't turn up. They've rearranged for the coming weekend. Once they've done that we can clear the rest of the big stuff we can't take to tip ourselves. Then put the stuff we're keeping into storage. It's heartbreaking putting two people's lives into bags & boxes.

Thank you for your replies everyone xx
My dad was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in 2018 however we think it must have gone undiagnosed for years as it was only picked up at a random over 55s health check. I took him to A&E twice during lockdown as he had numbness to his hands and legs. Both times he was sent home and told to make a GP appointment, and he had a few appointments but was always quite vague with the outcome and insisted to me that his symptoms were getting better.
He had obviously fallen quite badly and hit his head judging by how I found him. Which makes me think his symptoms were never really getting better and he just didnt want to worry me. Im really struggling to forget that image of him. I went to see him in the chapel of rest and that helped a lot at the time however the old image is slowly creeping back in. I have put pictures of him round the house so I can see him happy and smiling which does help me but I worry people will think im insane having photos in every room. Hopefully I wont need them forever...
I totally get what you say about it all feeling so unreal. In 2018 he had emailed me his funeral wishes, I saved it but didnt open the email at the time as I thought he was at least 20 years too early! He wanted a natural woodland burial, the place he picked was stunning and I love visiting there but I just stare down at his grave in disbelief.
I try my best everyday to be positive for him but I have an overwhelming fear that one day I will forget little things about him as it dawned on me that I will likely have to live my life longer without him than I did with him.
So sorry for going on and on...I could talk about it forever. I have enquired about private counselling but just feel I have a thousand thoughts a second and it helps me to get them out.
Hope everyone is ok today xx

@Emily2602

That’s exactly what I have done. I went and had a big canvas done of my Dad with my two boys de my lounge wall. I then had another canvas of Dad done for the bottom of the stairs and he’s at the top of the stairs on the landing. And I 100% will want and need that forever. He’s my Dad, I will always want to see his face and if that’s the only way, then I’ll take it.
I said the same as you, I remember saying to my mum a few months ago that people will think I’m going crazy, I’ve got my Dad in every room in the house apart from the bathroom. I really don’t care though and it makes me feel better having him all over. He was a huge part of our lives, he IS still a huge part of our lives and he always will be.
I also have a lock of my Dad’s hair in a locket round my neck and I don’t take it off apart from on a morning when I get in the bath or shower so that I don’t get water inside it, then it’s straight back on.
My Dad was buried but we don’t have the stone down yet. I went today with my husband and my two boys and it just feels unreal. I just don’t believe he’s there. It’s so hard. I go to feel close to him and I do sit there or stand and talk to my Dad, but it feels surreal. As time goes on I honestly wonder if that feeling will ever go.
I have avoided counselling as I just don’t see how talking to a stranger about my Dad will help and at the end of the day, nothing will bring him back or change things. I too try to be positive and I middle through each day but with a very deep dark sadness inside me and sort of a bitterness/anger towards the rest of the world. I just never like you thought this could happen to my Dad.
When I go to bed at night seems to be the worst for me. I tend to go over and over in my head the night it happened and when we were with him as he died. I don’t want to remember these moments, and it’s when I do that I can’t stop myself from crying xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

How are you feeling today? Has your youngest started camp yet, and have you managed to spend some time with your mum today?
We went to the cemetery this morning, took the boys as they’re off school but it’s just such a surreal feeling that I don’t think will ever go away. Six months on and I just can’t believe it. I just want to bring him back xx

Last night was horrible. I took a Zopiclone to help me sleep. One of the rarer side effects is auditory hallucinations. I could hear dad shouting 'Help me! Help me!' really loudly and clear as a bell. I shot awake and was about to run downstairs when I realised. It was like a knife to my heart.

@iklboo - I dream about my Dad a lot now. Since what happened in September I dream about him I’d say most nights, although not every single night. The worst bit is when you first wake up and for the first few moments while you come round you don’t realise, and then the realisation hits you that yes this is your life, and yes it DID all happen. It’s horrible. They say that when you dream of a person, it is in fact that person’s way of coming to you, by visiting you in your dreams. Google it. People have told me and so in some ways it’s comforting. I do like to dream of my Dad. Even though it makes me feel sad when I wake up, it is nice to see him just as he was in my dreams. And how he still should be. It keeps him alive for me.
It’s very hard this Easter holidays though, my kids would be normally doing so many things with my Dad that he’s now not here to do. I just hate it.
I hope you sleep better tonight. I haven’t slept well at Alan since what happened, I just can’t sleep and I wake up in the early hours. I’m starting to think it’ll always be like that. My Mum takes Zopicklone to help her sleep too. I recognised the name as soon as you said x

Hi @LucyintheSky21, yes my youngest went to holiday camp today so me and mum finalised dads gravestone. We spent an hour there going through everything and then the minute we got home she told me she’d changed her mind about one of the elements, I could have cried. We went to the cemetery too which was calming at least. I need to go on my own, so I can have a good cry. I’m not in shock any more. I believe that it’s him in that grave and that I won’t see him again and it makes me angry. I’m so angry at the world and I go between utter heartbreak for mum and then such frustration with her. Obviously I would never tell her that but her lack of presence makes things difficult sometimes. It’s all such a mess. I keep looking at dads texts to me and then shouting at his picture that I’d do anything for one more message, one more call, one more conversation. Sorry, I’m struggling this week. I pray every night I’ll dream of dad but I’ve only seen him once.
@iklboo I took sleeping pills for the first six months after dad, you do what you need to to get by.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - How is your son enjoying camp?
I’m so sorry that you’re struggling this week. I know every week is a struggle, but I do know that some weeks, and some days are much harder than others. Did you and your mum agree on all the details for the stone and decide it together? And what about your sister, has she had any involvement in that? Me and Mum have only had one initial meeting just before Christmas about the headstone and we decided certain details but not the wording. I think the wording is the only part we still need to do, but mum was meant to ring mid January to do that and she hasn’t, and won’t. I’m not too worried about it now as I know that the undertaker who is dealing with it is bound to ring mum at some point as I imagine it will be very soon. Did you decide on the wording? It will just be me and my mum deciding all of the details of the stone as my sister as you know is only concerned with her own life it seems. We have still had zero contact since the night of Dad’s funeral and she only randomly rings or texts my Mum, and it’s never to say she will come over and see my mum which is very sad. I think it’s so hard to arrange the headstone. When it’s someone you love so much and someone you knew so well, yet how are you supposed to know what they will have wanted. We never spoke about stuff like that with my Dad. I honestly feel like I have no idea if he would want a black stone or a grey one, a standing up one or laid down stone, and as for the colour of the lettering… how do you know if they’d want gold, white, just engraved etc? It’s another really surreal thing to have to do and choose I think. I wouldn’t even know myself what I would want. Mum has reserved the plot next to Dad. I can’t remember if I told you but I have reserved the one next to Dad on the other side. So it’ll be Dad in between me and my Mum. I feel happy knowing that I’ll be next to my Dad.
It’s interesting that you say you’re not in shock anymore. I definitely still am in shock. I went to the cemetery on Monday with my husband and two boys but there were three men working on the graves really close, and although they were minding their own business, it made us all uncomfortable so we didn’t stay long and it felt like a bit of a wasted visit. How often do you go? Like you, I like to go alone so I can talk and think and cry. If my husband takes me, he will come and say hello to my Dad and then go sit in the car and leave me. I’m definitely still in shock. It’s only been six months but I honestly don’t know when I’ll get over the shock. I still just can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t accept that I won’t see him again. I just can’t.
What are you doing today? Do you find the busier you are, the less you think about things? I feel like I just can’t bare to think about it. It’s hard to explain because I think about my Dad all day but I can’t bare to think of any of the ‘I won’t see him again’ kind of thoughts. I honestly can’t bear it.
Today I’ve booked the cinema to see Sonic 2 with my two boys. They really wanted to see it. For me, I’ll just sit there staring at the screen and think of my Dad xx

Thank you @LucyintheSky21. DS loved camp and is back there today and tomorrow so my plan is to work a bit. I have a day or two that needs to be done and then I can forget about it until school reopens. It’s just another thing I need to do and is weighing on me. I haven’t heard from my sister and I don’t even think she knows we’re arranging the grave, it’s crazy how he was both our dad but our experiences of his death are so different. When it came to his funeral she tried to get involved with little details and I realised then that she really didn’t know dad the last few years. I ended up telling the funeral director that I want dad to have the funeral he wanted not the one my sister wants. It’s all so sad.
That’s really lovely about your graves being together. You’ll be together again. That sounds so heartbreaking but sweet. I know what you mean about colours and all the details. So much choice and all you want is to not be in that position to begin with. Is your mum saying much about it? I feel like a massive part of dads grave is pleasing mum, trying to give her something she has some control over. I do the same with regards to thinking of him, trying to focus on thoughts of him rather than the awful reality of not seeing him again. I hope your kids manage to enjoy the cinema and you find some peaceful time x
@iklboo I hope you had a better night.

Bad night's sleep last night. I didn't take a Zopiclone - doc has only prescribed 10. I woke up every 45 minutes or so all through. I've had better sleep when DS was a tiny baby.

We're putting all the sentimental items in storage this week. I could be 'brutal' and get rid of things not to my / our taste but I just can't. Paintings & drawings by mum, photos, pictures they had up, a clock. We've got rid of a lot of stuff but these things as more personal. A tangible link to them, if that makes sense? The jewellery, spectacle & phones I have here in our house. I can touch those & talk to them.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo - Has your DS enjoyed camp again today? I think it’s a good distraction for the kids to do things like that. Both my DS’s have joined Cub’s recently which they are really enjoying, and I’m so glad because I think with everything that’s happened with Dad, it helps to keep them as busy as possible and distracted. For me, I feel lost and low today. We went to the cinema and the boys enjoyed it which is all that matters, but for me I just feel so depressed inside, no matter what I do. We called in on my mum on the way home for a while and she said she’s feeling so low today without Dad. It makes me feel much worse because I feel like I can’t make it better. I can’t say ‘Mum it will get better’ because it won’t. My mum is just functioning and existing because she wakes up each day and that’s it. Do you feel like this with your mum, like you’re helpless? And like you wish you could just make it better and remove her pain? They are our mum’s, they’re not meant to be in all of this pain.
I feel like I try all day to be ‘normal’ and wear a face for the rest to see while hiding how low I feel, but at some point every day I crack. I just miss Dad so much and I can’t stand it any longer. I just want to turn the clock back and bring him back and make all of this so different. Do I sound stupid? It’s just how I feel. There’s just no give, no glimmer of hope or happiness in anything. I’m trying so hard to make the Easter holidays as good and as fun as I can for the boys but it is hard.
I’ve been thinking about my sister today, and it just hurts that she isn’t there for her nephew’s or for our mum. Like you said, it’s like they are experiencing the grief for their Dad’s so differently to us, I can’t understand it. I feel like they have lost enough, and they have lost their auntie now as well as my Dad. Today I don’t know why I was thinking on it but I was thinking that my youngest is going to be 8 this summer and just how even ten more years with my Dad would have meant he’d have been 18. It’s so young to lose your grandparents and I’m scared they will forget Dad. The boys talk about I’m all the time and my DH says they’ll never forget him but I just hate it. It’s like a constant ache inside.
Sorry for what must like a depressing post. How has your day been, how are you feeling today and how is your mum? Xx

How is everyone. I'm lost & low today like you were yesterday @LucyintheSky21. Completely out of the blue. Well, into it I suppose. No appetite, don't want to read or play games on my tablet. Music is annoying. I'm just lying on the couch with the cats & trying not to think. DS wants to watch some tv with us later but I'm not in the mood. Guess I'll just stick a happy face on for a while.

I've booked some theatre tickets for something we all want to see but I know I'm just compensating. Making other people happy makes me happy. Usually.

It's ten days to mum's wake and I'm finalising the details. Maybe that's set me off?

Hi @iklboo

Sorry you’re feeling low as well, I’ve had another really bad day with it all. And my sleeping has been so bad the last two nights that I’ve had a raging headache for the whole of today as well as yesterday. I know I’m mentally drained but when I go to bed, I’m so so tired, yet I can’t fall asleep for anything in the world. My mind just goes over and over it all and tortures me.
I sit with our cats on a night and I think they’re the only comfort I find. We have 3 cats and my Dad loved cats too. I think the cats can tell when you’re feeling sad and low and they try to comfort you.
Have you planned the wake for your mum? We have a similar thing to plan for this summer, which I’m dreading. We need to finalise the details of my Dad’s stone and then organise a ‘stone setting’ for everyone to get together to see the stone laid and a few words said etc and then an after but again like after the funeral. My mum says it’s what’s normally done and ‘what my Dad would have wanted’ but the thought of doing it feels like it’ll be like my Dad’s funeral all over again. So we still have all of this to arrange.
I hope tomorrow is a better day, although I know none of the days are good for anyone when we have lost so much. x

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - How are you today?

@LucyintheSky21 - you're right about cats. 'My' cat ( we have two) has been glued to me every day I've been low. On better days he sleeps on his cushion & only comes over when he's hungry.

We're having mum's wake in what used to be the local Conservative Club where we had lots of brilliant nights out seeing the 'turns', playing bingo and Open The Box. A proper old fashioned buffet and her favourite music. I'm hoping more for a celebration with nice stories and memories of her than a sombre affair.

I hope you are all okay. Just an fyi, don't accidentally watch James Blunt singing Monsters if you don't want to be in tears. It's lucky I'm working from home!

@LucyintheSky21
Both the stone settings for my parents weren't too bad. You have that year's distance, and don't have to deal with the burial etc. My Mum's was actually quite funny as the Rabbi started to read out the wrong stone and had to be interrupted part way through.