For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Crunchymum and @Purpleavocado - I posted too soon and didn’t mean to miss you out.

How have you managed today? Sending lots of love to you both xx

Thank you @LucyintheSky21. I've kept busy today cooking lunch for some of my DH's family and his Mum, which was nice. This year wasn't as bad as last year, it will be 2 years in July that I lost Mum. I still miss her and think about her every day, but the debilitating grief has passed. Even though she was elderly, it was very sudden and i think that made the grief much worse. It was different when my Dad passed, he had alzheimer's and repeatedly said he wanted to go, he hated how he was. When he passed, it wasn't exactly a relief, but almost a release from the misery he was in. It took several weeks for him to go as he stopped eating and drinking. We had time to prepare. Hope you all feel a tiny bit better each day, and focus on the good lifetime of memories you have, not so much on the ending x

@LucyintheSky21 I’m sorry yesterday was shit for you. I hope you managed to get through today ok. Did you go to that restaurant?

Today has been another rollercoaster. Some lovely bits with the kids and lunch with mum but this gut wrenching sadness that dad was missing. He would always tell me how proud he is of me as a mum and it stings that he’s not here. Mum and I spent half the day making small talk and the other half crying. It’s now officially been a year and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. It sounds ridiculous after twelve long months but I feel like I’m now past the shock stage and I really do believe it. I haven’t been able to settle.

Sending strength and hugs to those of you missing your mums and of course the rest of you who are grieving a loved one.

@Purpleavocado

Your day yesterday sounds nice, cooking for your DH’s family and I think keeping busy on days like Mother’s Day/Father’s day is the best thing any of us can do. It scares me, the thought of approaching a year or two years, I don’t want it to be that long since I saw and spoke to my Dad. I still torture myself with the thoughts of the last time I saw my Dad after he’d had the heart attack and gone into cardiac arrest, and it haunts me and hurts me like I just can’t explain. I agree though that when it’s unexpected, it’s so hard to come to terms with or accept. I’m just at six months and I don’t think the shock is quite over. I still cling to this small glimmer of hope that he’s still coming back. Must sound barmy x

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

How are you doing today? I’ve just been to the cemetery to visit my Dad’s grave and talk to him. I got upset while I was there today. I just turn up and start talking but I can’t believe it’s really my Dad under there. It still feels so surreal.
We did go for for the meal yesterday, it was a really nice place. A nice pub and the food was really good. My Dad would have liked it. I’m glad we chose to go somewhere different because I’d we had gone where we used to go all the time with my mum and dad, I feel like we’d have been saying things like ‘oh your Dad would have had the pie… ‘ or ‘oh we sat there with your dad last time’ etc. so I’m glad we chose it. I think my mum enjoyed it, but it does feel strange being the five of us and not my Dad. I also got my mum some flowers and we took her for the meal and I’d had a really lovely picture of my Dad made into a canvas for Mother’s Day, which my mum liked.
Did you have a nice lunch with your mum? It’s so hard to enjoy things when you feel all the time that they should be there too. You almost feel guilty if you enjoy the food you’re eating, if you know what I mean. I just feel like it’s all such a mess now my Dad isn’t here. I just miss him so much. I just wish he would come back xx
It doesn’t sound daft after 12 months. What is 12 months, it’s no time at all. Time goes really fast and before you know it, another six months goes by but it doesn’t make a difference when it’s your mum or your Dad that’s gone. I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel at ease with this or that it’ll ever get better. I either feel really low or really angry. xx

@Whisperinastorm

I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from and offer you a little support. My mom had a heart attack and passed away 3 days before my birthday (it was also on the morning of my sisters hen party).

Like you I had the happy birthday/deepest sympathy trotted out at practically the same time. I couldn't imagine ever being able to celebrate again, how could I? It wasn't just my loss - I feel like my birthday is a constant reminder to my family of what they also lost.

The first 2 birthdays I just couldn't face at all. I also felt like I was under pressure from DH as he still wanted it to be a thing for me and I felt like I was ruining it for him.

Last year I felt like I needed to sort of do something so on the anniversary I was prepared. I went and got her favourite flowers and took them to one of her favourite places (the hotel my sister got married and where we all used to go for afternoon tea together etc.) they have beautiful grounds and me and DH just went for a walk round there, I left the flowers in a spot under a tree that was set back a bit but with a beautiful view.

I don't think I could have done it the years before that tbh but last year it just felt right. I wouldn't say that I enjoyed my birthday but at least I felt that I had given myself proper time to allow my self to grieve without the guilt so I could be at peace instead on my bday.

This year I will make plans to actually try and enjoy the day in a low key but fun way. I know leading up to it will still be tough and I will still go and lay flowers at the hotel on the day of mom passing but I also know she absolutely would not want me to forever forsake the day that she brought me into the world either if that makes sense

@finalpunt

I hope you don’t mind me responding to your post above, I know it wasn’t meant for me. My Dad also had a heart attack and it was the day after my 40th birthday. Then he died two days after my bday. I had gone out on the actual night of my birthday with my DH and our two boys, but we were saving the proper celebration for the Sunday when we were going out with my mum and dad for a meal to our family fave place. It was going to be my Dad’s treat. My Dad being rushed into hospital just the next night after my birthday and not making it for the weekend when we we’re all meant to be going out has just ruined my bday forever and I’ve said ever since September that I won’t ever celebrate my birthday again because I will always remember my birthday as being the day before my Dad had a heart attack which killed him. It was just interesting reading what you’d said about it spoiling your bday and you saying you’d never felt you could celebrants it after that. I don’t know if that will ever come for me where I feel I can but this year I will just want it to wash over as another day.

@LucyintheSky21

No of course I don't mind and I am very sorry for what you have been and are still going through.

Please don't think that I am saying you will just get over it in a few years and have a great day again - I am really not meaning to come across like that.

I felt like you did (and I still may once it comes up to the anniversary again) and I still don't feel like it will every be a true celebration. I was on the bereavement thread (under a diff name) as I was really struggling coming up to the date of mom dying and my bday and my DSD was booked in for a csection between the two. I didn't know how I was going to cope looking after my other DGS whilst his mom was having new DGS the day after my mom died and 2 days before my bday.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I was being silly, that it was just what it was and lots of people have things happen around the dates of people dying and I needed to find a way to move forward basically.

What helped me was having a ritual I suppose. My mom was cremated and didn't want a plaque or bench or anything remotely memorial. Both me and my Dad really struggle with this but accept it was her wishes. Having something that I can do to mark the day and allow myself that time to grieve and also feel like I am doing something for mom helps contain it a bit.

I get that overwhelming sense of anxiety at the end of Sept because I know its nearly Oct and that's the anniversary and then the pressure of my bday etc etc. It was crippling. Last year after coming on here I thought about some of the points people made and tried to come up with a plan in my own head so that the grief didn't take over but I was still able to grieve, if that makes any sense?

I still have days and moments where I think I need to let mom know and then remember she isn't here. I still get angry or overwhelmed especially at the moment as I am having some real problems and I really feel like I need her and is isn't here. I just wanted something to do around the anniversary so that I felt I could channel my grief without it overtaking everything. I feel like that is helping realise that actually whilst my birthday will always be a reminder of that awful day, it is also a reminder that my mom loved me very much and would not want me to never have a peaceful birthday and do some of the things I used to enjoy before.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit waffly. Its hard to type out how I feel really about it all. I don't know if it will work or not and I don't think I could have got there before now so I completely understand why you don't want to at the moment

I am glad that is over and done with.

I am a mother without a mother - Mother's day is very weird.

Sending everyone love and light and strength.

It's been a year since my father died. Has anyone's relationship with their surviving parent (if you are lucky enough to have a surviving parent) suffered following their loss? I'm really struggling with my mum at the moment and it feels like I've lost both of them sometimes. We all had a good relationship before. Can anyone relate, please?

@finalpunt

Thank you for replying and explaining xx It’s really hard isn’t it? I think for me, I never expected anything to happen to my Dad. He wasn’t poorly, he was fit healthy and well. It was my birthday on the 22nd September (it was a Wednesday) and the next day I had seen my Dad in the morning… perfectly normal and fine. I’d only called in to say hello and for a quick cup of tea and that night my mum rang me to say I needed to get round there, and Dad had paramedics round him. He’d had a heart attack. He died the next day. So for me, whenever it comes round to my birthday I’ll always remember that it was the next night that Dad had a heart attack and was rushed into hospital. How do you ever forget that. For me, September will always be a dreadful month. I don’t know how I’ll feel in years to come of course, but I know certainly this year and as it stands I’ve sad I won’t ever again, but I just can’t celebrate my birthday. I should have been going out for a meal with my mum and Dad on the Sunday and instead I was having to look for suit jackets for my two boys to wear to my Dad’s funeral, a day I hadn’t envisaged for at least another 10-15 years. x

@astersugar

So sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. It must be really hard a year on. It’s still so soon and raw. I’ve just reached the six month mark after losing my Dad and I feel like the weeks and months are rolling by really quickly and I’m hardly having chance to blink and take it all in. I know I’ll soon be a year on, like you and I know it won’t feel any easier.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling things are a bit strained with you and your mum. How were things before, were you close before? How is your mum following what’s happened to your Dad, is she sort of a shell of what she was before? The reason I ask is because for the moment I still feel very close to my mum. I was very close to my mum and dad and I still feel close to my mum, but she’s unrecognisable from who she was before. It’s like a part of her has died as well. She’s half the person she was before my Dad died, like they completed each other. I’m not really answering your question. I don’t feel any change in my relationship with my mum, but I have heard so many times that families can and do fall apart. My relationship with my sister has fallen apart completely since my Dad. I think I’ve sort of clung on to my mum now as I can’t bare to lose her and she’s all I have left.
Maybe your mum is really struggling without your Dad and feels so lost and depressed with life that she’s detached herself a bit, and maybe this is why you feel like this. Could you talk to her?

@LucyintheSky21 I’m glad you went somewhere different and managed to get through it and make it bearable for your mum. I know what you mean about feeling low or angry. There’s just no light in sight is there. I’m considering starting psychotherapy again, I had a few sessions but couldn’t stick to it because of work. I’m hoping we’ll at least learn to live with our pain at least.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - Nope, sadly no light at all in sight. Did you find psychotherapy helped? Is that counselling? I think I’m time we will learn to live with the pain and it’ll be something we carry around with us. I know that sounds terribly depressing but I can’t imagine a time in my life where i’m ever going to be ok with what’s happened xx

I did find psychotherapy helped, I got to say all the things that sound so ridiculous to someone that has no idea what it feels like. It also meant I put less on my friends which is something I feel a bit weird about. I’m like a broken record and imagine I’m quite difficult to be around. This group is currently my therapy!
I don’t think we’ll be ok with it either, the circumstances will always feel unfair.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

You sound so much like me when I read your threads. I can just always tell how you’re feeling. It’s like it’s me sometimes who has written your post.
I feel really low and tearful this morning, I’m trying to get ready to do the school run but I’ve felt like this since I got into bed last night. I can’t pull myself together. I keep thinking, am I really never going to see my Dad again, and when I really think about it, it hurts so much that I just want to scream so loud and say ‘nooo’. I just want it to stop. My mother in law wants to take me out for a coffee/cup of tea this morning somewhere while the boys are at school, so I have agreed to that but nothing makes me feel any better. I’ll do things to keep busy etc but it’s almost robotic. I look forward to bed time but I don’t sleep well.
The friends thing.., I have been feeling the same way. I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like there’s been a lack of support from them really and I know it’s because they don’t understand. No one mentions it and I just feel depressing to be around, even though I don’t mention it much to them. They’ll ring me and be like ‘how are you’ or ‘are you alright’ in the normal way you’d ask and I’m like ‘well no, not really’ and they go ‘oh why?’ And I end up saying something like ‘why do you think. My Dad’. I have one friend who not long ago sis her motorbike test and is excited about the summer and riding her bike. My Dad’s life and passion were bikes. He used to race when he was younger and won all sorts of medals etc. We will keep his two motorbikes forever as they were his pride and joy. Anyway, my friend at the moment everytine I speak to her goes on about how she’s just done this to her bike and can’t wait to get out on it. It just hurts because my Dad would have been so looking forward to riding his bike this summer. Do people not get it?! My husband also has a motorbike an used to ride with my Dad. He can’t bare to get it out of the garage and take it out as he says it wouldn’t feel right without my Dad. He’s even thinking of selling it.
I also had mum for tea last night and I hated it. Might seem odd. I don’t mean I hated having her here. It just feels really strange having her here without my Dad. It’s just wrong. She should be at home with Dad. And she’s so sad and lost looking which makes my pain worse too.
I just don’t know when any of this will feel ok or right again.
Sorry for the depressing sounding post. How are you today? xx

@LucyintheSky21 I’m sending hugs, don’t ever apologise. This is our reality. I would react in exactly the same way about the motorbike thing, your friends sound quite insensitive. I would tell her that you find it hard to hear.
It’s that constant “Dad should be doing that”. And it could be anything. I bumped into my friends mum with her daughter at church and I burst into tears and told my mum my dad should have been taking my son to church.
I’m glad you have a supportive husband, I bet he feels the loss too. My husband always told my dad that he was more of a dad to him than his ever was. He really looked up to him and that made me love my husband more, it’s like he could see the amazingness in dad like I did.
I’m so similar with mum. It’s not odd, it’s perfectly natural. Our whole lives we’ve known our parents as one, suddenly we’re left with this shell of one of them. My heart breaks for mum but sometimes you need to focus on your heartbreak too. I find it hard being at their house sometimes too. Some days it’s the place I need to be and other times it just breaks me that dad isn’t there where he should be.
I hope you’ve had a peaceful evening.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Thank you for the hugs, I’m sending one your way too. How has your day been, and how are you feeling today?
I went out for a coffee with my mother in law today. I wasn’t feeling up to it, but I’m glad I went as I think I’m better being out when I feel bad about it all. We spoke a lot about my Dad.
You’re right, it is all ‘Dad should have been here to do this’ because they should still be here to do all of the things they did before. It must have been hard for you seeing your friend’s mum at church with your friend’s child. Things like that stick the knife in. My friend with the motorbike, I do love her to bits and she is a good friend, but since this happened I feel quite annoyed a lot of the time with things she comes out with. She is lucky enough to have both her mum and Dad, but doesn’t see a lot of them like I did and they’re not together. I find things people say sometimes really infuriating because you can tell that they just have not a clue how it feels or what we’re going through. I would never say anything because I am too nice where my friends are concerned and I would never want to fall out with anyone. I just sometimes can’t believe how insensitive people can be. When the weather is good and you hear the sound of a motorbike going passed, that sound will always remind me of my Dad. All my friend talks about is her bike and all the riding she can do this summer. All I think of is how my Dad won’t be able to ride his bike again which was his passion and one of the things he lived for. It makes you question things like are they really a good friend or do they just it get it. Not all my friends are like this, but I do feel like none of them truly understand. I have said to that friend when she mentions her bike, ‘oh it makes me think of my Dad and how much he’d love to ride is bikes’, and she then says something nice like ‘I would love to have gone for a ride with him’, which is nice of her to say but I still think ‘stop talking about the bloody motorbike’. It actually reminds me of when we were saying bye to my Dad in the hospital around the bedside. My mum said to my dad something like ‘you ride your bikes in heaven’, and it still haunts me and hurts me to remember her saying that.
I totally feel the same about my Husband, he too looked up to my Dad. They were good friends and always got along but my dad was always showing my husband how to do things and the my did a lot together. I know he feels the loss as well. All the jobs in our house, my dad and husband would do together etc and I completely know what you mean when you say that your husband knew how amazing your dad was. It’s something that really helps me too because I know although not exactly the same, but my husband knows and feels that loss too and knows the enormity of it. He really was the focal point and glue of our family. The head of the family and now we’re all lost without him.
I also feel the same about my mum and dad’s house. A part of me wants to be there because it is my mum and Dad’s house and it always will be. We haven’t moved a thing and all dad’s things are still there, it’s just as it always was. But sometimes it hurts me being there without him. I can’t find a happy in-between. I stand in his garage sometimes where his bikes are and all his things because I want to feel close to him. I still don’t have the answers. I just want to wake up one day to find that all of this has been a horrific nightmare.
How is your mum doing today? xx

Hi everyone,

How are you all doing this weekend? Thinking of everyone on here xxx

We're scattering mum's ashes today. It would have been her 72nd birthday today.

@iklboo

How are you feeling about that today? I’ll be thinking of you. It’s no age to go. I felt like that in Feb on my Dad’s bday, he would have been 74. Taken too soon xx

@LucyintheSky21 - I'm kind of numb at the minute. I was saying to DH last night that I miss her so much. My dad's birthday was in February too. He would have been 75.

We're going for a meal afterwards - me, DH, DS, auntie (mum's sister), cousin & his wife, his son & daughter and daughter's fiancé. It was my cousin's idea to bring his wife & children. I think mainly for support as my mum was his favourite auntie, and his brother's funeral was last week.

@iklboo - our Dad’s we’re very close in age then. Numb is a feeling I recognise well. That’s how I feel most days. On Friday night I was looking at a picture of my Dad and my son just before I went to bed and it got me thinking all sorts and all the things my Dad isn’t here to do now and once I got into bed, I couldn’t stop crying. I ended up crying myself to sleep. It’s so hard. I understand how much you miss your mum, because I’d give anything to have my Dad here. I hope today goes as well as it can for you and I hope you manage to enjoy the meal afterwards with your family. Please update this evening if you feel up to it x

Hi everyone, how’s everyone’s weekend been?

@LucyintheSky21 your coffee with MIL sounds lovely, it’s the best when you can talk about dad freely. I’m sorry you’ve had a hard weekend. My mum is still finding it so hard, she called me earlier crying because she’d forgotten to buy veg and “dad wouldn’t have forgotten, he remembered everything for everyone”. I’m also now finalising the grave. Do you put the age they died or “their years”? I hate the dates because it seems so final but then his age seems unfair too. Mum keeps telling me to put whatever I want and then suddenly getting quite stressed and asking to see all the plans. It’s like some weird sort of dementia where she’s often not present.
I spent Saturday at a kids party which was a nice distraction. I keep wanting to call dad though, there’s now so much he’s missed that I want to talk to him about.
@iklboo I hope you’re coping ok today, thinking of you.