For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@grosslyunfair I can totally identify with your post. My Mum died just before Christmas and I can’t guess from one day to the next how I will feel. Sometimes I am sort of ok and then other times I feel like everything is pointless. I know this will pass… but I also know it can take years to settle. Grief is so hard.

Sorry not to reply individually to everyone on this thread but I have read your posts and feel for all of you xx

@Ralphiesaurus that's it exactly. Sometimes I'm fine and even a bit manic in urges to do stuff and then other days I can barely get out of bed! I keep telling myself (as do others) to take it one day at a time but it's hard.

Sorry for everyone who is struggling and going through this xxx

May I join you? My mum died last week and I feel so guilty ATM. I didn't see her as often as I should and now I just keep going over how lonely she was and how I should have done more..I try to switch the thoughts off but they start raging about 4am and then I have an upset stomach all morning. I've been on overdrive since she went, to be distracted. She was with paramedics not family. It was unexpected and sudden. Im trying to just accept all thoughts and feelings but it's such an onslaught.i can see why some elderly people don't survive the loss of a spouse; it's so brutal physically and mentally.
I know you all understand and that we all grieve differently, I'm so sorry for all these losses. I think I just needed to offload. Thanks if you got this far!

Hi @Sara237 so sorry for your loss.

Sudden death is a huge shock and I can relate to waking up in the night feeling distraught and guilty for hours. I am sure you did the best you could - I can now relate to how difficult it is having a lonely mother and never feeling you have done enough. It is hard when you have your own life, issues, relationships to deal with. Go easy on yourself. 💐

Having a bad evening, I feel so agitated. Both parents died fairly young last year within weeks of each other after a car accident. There was no illness preceding this so it was a total shock. Some people talk about feeling relief after a parent dies from a long illness. I had none of that and still can not quote believe it is real. They are both gone for ever.
I sometimes feel nothing is ever going to be right again.
i go between being a bit manic and doing absolutely loads of socialising after work, and then struggling to get out of bed and talk to anyone.

@AtticusFrost I feel very similar re the suddenness it's almost unbelievable that I won't ever see her again how can that be ? I'm so sorry you lost both parents at basically the same time you must be lost. I hope you have some good support

I don't know what's triggered it but I keep having flashbacks to my Mum's eyes after she died. The hospice handled things badly after she died and her body wasn't moved for over 8 hours. She looked awful at this point and this is what I keep seeing over and over atm. I don't know how to make it stop

It will lessen , just try to reconcile it with the fact she’s at peace and out of pain etc now. I had similar for a while after watching my dad die, the light just left his eyes and it seemed they instantly became more opaque but now it’s not an intrusive thought if that makes sense just a memory

Cococrab, that sounds awful for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I think at such times, our brains can only process so much and this sounds so traumatic that your body is a bit in shock. This grief process seems to have stages and it sounds like you're in the really acute stage. Is there anything you can do that is absorbing and can give your brain and body a break from the tension? In the early days following my mother's unexpected death, I literally read for hours so I didn't have to think. I think over time, it will become one of the multiple memories you hold, less vivid. I hope you get some peace very soon.

Hello everyone am having a really shity day today. I had a really vivid dream last night that my mum survived sepsis that she recovered and was still alive. In my dreams I felt happiness like I haven't felt in a long time like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but then I woke and reality hit me that it was just a dream. I have been feeling really low all day. I have found myself reliving the dream over and over in my head. It's not the same tho as am awake. It's nearly 2 years since I lost my mum and I miss her so much.

My mum was a huge Roy Orbison fan and I have lyrics printed on the mount for her head stone "In dreams I walk with you, in dreams I talk with you. In dreams, only in beautiful dreams" I can't listen to that song it breaks my heart

Hello sorry I didn't see you reply to my post sorry about that. How are you getting on? Things are pretty rough for me. It seems to go like this tho my dream last night hasn't helped any that's for sure. I just wish I could feel happy in my life am so fed up feeling sad

AtticusFrost

I think that we just do whatever it is that gets us through each day. There's no words really for what you have gone through, are going through its unimaginable. I still have my dad but am terrified of losing him I worry how I will cope when the time comes. I think about it quite a lot. You loose your direction I think when you loose a parent or parents it doesn't feel normal or right, there's nothing normal or right about it. I was searching for a long time for something after my mum died there was a huge hole left and there still is. I don't think you are ever whole again it's impossible to be the person you were before. I think you just survive any which way you can we are all doing the same.

Hello everyone. I'm migrating from the parent with cancer thread. My darling Dad died just over 2 weeks ago, he'd been desperately ill with liver cancer for 6 months. I felt completely numb almost shocked for the first week but blimey it's kicking in now. I feel as if on the verge of a constant panic attack, can't sleep, can't focus even though I'm having to work. And worst of all, I can't get over the thought of never seeing Dad again. His death wasn't kind, he went from a hospice to a nursing home as they thought he had 3 to 6 more months but he only lasted 4 weeks in there. All he wanted was to go home and I'm so sad and guilty that we couldn't make this happen for him. I miss him

Badger1970 I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been reading a lot about the physiological impact of grief as like you, I've felt the internal panic and anxiety since the loss of my mum recently. It's like a tsunami when it hits you and your system is really up against it. I don't know if you can get some time off work to get some rest? I went back too soon but felt a pressure to. The guilt you feel is understandable but feeling guilty and being guilty are not the same and you couldn't have foreseen how the time would be against him. It's such early days, so raw still, I'm on week 3, buried mum yesterday and when I look at her name in the grave and on the service sheets, I know that she's died but day to day, it's still completely surreal. I'm reckoning it'll be months for the brain and body to adjust...just want you to know that you aren't alone in this. Perhaps try to get some support if still not sleeping. And keep reaching out if you need to.

@Sara237 thank you for your reply. It is raw. Brutally so.

Dad is being cremated tomorrow. It feels surreal and as if it's happening to someone else.

Badger1970
Sara237

Hello thought I'd reach out the surreal feeling does last a long time. I used to imagine that my mum was still out there living her life I'd let my mind drift off and imagine her in her house to try to ease the pain a little. I knew I was avoiding acceptance and that came eventually but it does take your mind such a long time to process the loss.

Nearly 2 years on for me and I still haven't let go. I have accepted that my mum is gone no choice really but she died young at just 66 years old and I wasn't ready to let go. None of us are no matter what age your parent is. Eventually the loss just becomes part of you, you sort of absorb the pain, the hurt, the longing and you live with it. For me it sort of sits in my shoulders it's there all the time but I go about my day to day life as best I can. Am still avoiding certain places where I went with mum it's probably crazy but there are certain cafes a d even holiday destinations that I shall likely never return too because it's just too painful being somewhere I was with mum and her not being there if that makes sense.

Hello, please may I join you?

Badger1970 will recognise me from the thread about parents with life limiting illnesses.

My Dad died just over 3 weeks ago. He had lung cancer which had spread to his spine and ribs. He had complications which caused vertebrae to fracture and one slipped which compressed his spinal cord. His body started to paralyse along with his diaphragm. He then caught pneumonia which he wouldn't recover from.

Dad and Mum have been divorced for 30 odd years and he never had anyone else. I'm an only child with him. Mum went on to have another child with her partner.

I'm being supported by my husband, along with friends and family, but I feel lost.
I'm getting on with all the practical stuff and I'm back to work tomorrow. I did mornings last week to get back into the swing of it all.
Dad hadn't stopped working so on top of personal admin, I have a business to sort out too.
Today I feel so achy and run down. My brain won't get into gear.
I don't think that's helped by the rubbish sleep I'm having since he passed.

I miss him so much. It feels unreal that he isn't here. He was only diagnosed in July/August of last year.

A comfort to read all the posts of others. Thank you for writing about your experiences.

@ButnotforLolaHello again. It's absolutely crap isn't it I didn't expect the physical pain that comes with this - I literally feel like I'm walking through quicksand and nothing makes sense anymore.

It's comforting to read what others have said though and know that it's OK to be like this and it's "normal", whatever that is.

ButnotforLola

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been reading a lot about the physiological impact of grief as the body is flooded with the stress hormone cortisol which has helped me to understand why I feel so wobbly, shakey, drained etc. It's so draining on the body, makes us more susceptible to illness and generally wiped out. So I suppose the thing to remember is that this experience is like an injury in terms of our bodies and that's before you think about the emotional impact. It's a massive trauma and the processing of it takes time and care. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lost, it might be part of your brain protecting you from the extent of the shock. Since losing my mother recently, I've felt lost too and I guess the loss of her is part of a loss of my own identity in the way I related to her and myself as her daughter. Everytime I hug my son, I think that I can't hug her and that I should have hugged her more. I'm 3 weeks since she died also. It's early days isn't it? For me, it's only just slightly sinking in. I look at her grave and feel so detached from it all. I guess at this stage, they're still so vivid to us that it's nonsensical that they're gone. One thing that helps me but which may sound strange is dancing. I literally dance the pain out of my body. It's not really the norm in our culture as it is in others but I can see why in some parts of the world people dance at funerals. It's visceral and gets right at it the emptiness. But we all have to find out own way I guess.

Thank you Sara237 for your post.

I hadn't thought about cortisol being higher and the physiological impact.
It is very early days. I get what you mean about dancing. Quite a few times I've just put on an energetic playlist and started tidying. Anything else to distract me I guess.

I went back to work yesterday. It was ok. I've missed a lot over the past few weeks and I've told my boss that it might take me a bit longer to absorb the information given to me.

So sorry for everyone, losing a parent is just crap. I am nearly 3 months in now after I lost Dad completely out of the blue at a young age. It is really reassuring to hear others describe the physiological symptoms, I thought it was just me! I felt like I had whiplash the first few weeks, my neck and joints were so sore. Embarrassingly I also started wetting the bed and that lasted a few weeks too 😬 Although these symptoms have gone I am still physically hurting, a constant ache in my chest. Hugs to you all xxx

It certainly is reassuring that grief can be so physical. I've had chest pains, awful overwhelming anxiety, and every joint in my body has hurt. And I've had horrific night sweats and nightmares.

I'm trying to feel the positive in that I loved my Dad so much for it to be hurting like this.

It's been about 6 weeks since Mum went. Day to day I can manage on the surface but I do have a lot of tearful times especially when I'm alone and not busy with other things. One thing happened last weekend to make me realise how emotionally spent I am - a friend's child called in a panic as his mum was poorly and they needed an ambulance for her and they were stuck in town and could I help. Obviously I did what I could to help the situation but after that phone call it took pretty much all my self control not to burst into tears in the middle of a supermarket. Usually I'm pretty chill and able to help others in difficult situations without a problem.
Sometimes late at night and just sit there and think I just want my mum. To have a last proper conversation with her when she was healthy before her illness took over and she lost her hearing and sight to the level it was at the end. It's made me realise how short a time we really have with the ones we love even though the days seem to stretch out forever.

Lost my lovely mummy in October, it's hard seeing daffodils in the shops as I used to always buy her a bunch for her room at the care home.

It would of been my mums birthday tomorrow I just can't believe she's not here